A poem a day for 2013 - day 174 - Praise for new day to again

Here's to waking up again
For showering again
Remembering the ups and ocean of yesterday
And being grateful for life new today

Even when I sink so low I know that I will die
To sink to the thought that being swallowed whole by whale
Is option
I do not
I do not die I swim
I am a swimmer
Big up to my ancestors
I hold my breath and swim to air
And rising above sea level is the same as heaven to my lungs
Because for the moment I am free
Free to again again

Do you know what it is like to question every thought
Every emotion you ever have
To be afraid to reach out because you do not have a pain someone else can measure
Because it is easier for them to tell you it is all in your head
Than to sit through an episode with you because
Aint nobody got time for your that
Because your that is different from their that
That you had time for

This is the path
Always wondering if this sinking is the journey
Into depression
Into the mud of hiding and fixing a smile
The pull to stay awake and be social and pretend that the triggers aren't triggering
But they are
They are firing off like July
Like war
Like family

Do you know the courage it takes to
Be vulnerable enough to express disappointment
And hurt feelings to be reminded that you
Are the sensitive one who takes things the wrong way
And so what about the wrong way
A left turn will get you to the main drag
If you ride it long enough and ask the right questions
But we don't
We shut down
We dismiss
I quit
Trying

I self evaluate
I check in
I recall labels stamped long side my body
Like medication
Bipolar
Depression
Hyper mania
Too sensitive
Be trippin'
Moody
Paranoia
Tears won't stop
Sleep won't come

It is easy to sink in all this wash
This spin
To give up
To leave
To leave leave

It is easy to blame it on my moody
When the only problem is my mouth
That won't open and say
Hear. Me. Out.
When the only problem is my nice
That won't make a scene
Because good girls sit pretty
And you remember that your scene is disruptive
But a Holy Ghost shout is a dance
And sometimes it's not me
Sometimes it Really. Is. You.

And I wear "too sensitive" like badge
Because at least I feel it all
At all
And playing nice is growing too old school for my capabilities

Then I wake up
Feel my hands
And these hands aint new
These the same hands
My feet and legs too
This face these eyes this nose
And I honor Creator for making me me
Because I wouldn't be nobody else

Because I am the same me who can at least shake a hand
Give a hug
Fix a sandwich if I aint got a dollar to give
I am a pullin' over somebody if I see you on a bus stop
Take these shoes
This blanket
This whiskey for your chill

I wear empath like saint
I know what to say when
And when not to say what
Baby, I can sit with you
Lay your story in my lap
I will listen and believe
And if it is all in your head I will know
Your head matters
Like ground
Like the wall against your back
Like water
Like real life
Like God