6:33pm. USC. CLI program. The lesson tonight is on inspiration and ways we inspire ourselves. The self talk we give ourselves. Out loud and in our heads. We are free writing for fifteen minutes. Let's see what comes up and comes out in fifteen minutes. Right now I am feeling pressure and these days I am constantly being my own cheerleader. Pulling scriptures I remember from the Bible. Pulling sermons from preachers and teachers I like and respect. Writing poems. My gratitude log every day, well most days, ok, some days, inspire me. I've been slacking on posting in this blog. Even though I pretty much say the same things in the log I am thankful that I can easily come up with things and people I am thankful for. No matter what I am going through I can still be thankful that I am able to see another day to go through it.
I'm seriously too much in my head right now. I have GOT to go back to seeing a therapist. This has NOTHING to do with how I am inspiring myself or what self talk I am giving myself. But it's on me. There is so much going on inside me that I need to let out in a safe space, and this blog is not the place for it. I need a breathing human being in front of me listening to me.
Ok, we only have about four more minutes for this free write. I hope the class has gotten more down than I have.
Black ass poems. Black ass stories. Black ass art. Black ass life. Black ass love. Black ass hate. Black ass parenting. Black ass depression. Black ass mania. And other stuff too.
Monday, October 28, 2019
Sunday, October 27, 2019
Saturday, October 26, 2019
Gratitude
I am thankful for this day
For a good rest last night
For friends
For dinner last night with Sage and Uraeus
I am thankful for a good hangout with Kat
I am thankful for being so well loved
For peace and ease
For work today
For good mental and physical health
For a good rest last night
For friends
For dinner last night with Sage and Uraeus
I am thankful for a good hangout with Kat
I am thankful for being so well loved
For peace and ease
For work today
For good mental and physical health
Thursday, October 24, 2019
Wednesday, October 23, 2019
lift hands
shout out to inglewood / for the forty-three days of living in hotels / motels / never holiday inns / for the thousands of dollars spent / for clean towels / for the lead on a new place / pray saints / shout out to saints / for the books that sold / for the paintings folks bought / for the gigs booked / for the class i teach / for the clients i serve / for waking up at four in the morning in prayer and praise and hustle and worry / for the depression that has not crippled me / the mania that has not convinced me to jump off a bridge / shout out to the meds i haven't taken since june because i swallowed a bunch of pills on some fuck it / shout out to god who let me sleep the whole next day / shout out to family who never ask where i am or if i'm eating / fyi i am eating / shout out to good days / when the hotel fees are paid for the week / when law & order and criminal minds marathons are plenty / shout out / shout out / shout out for the new level up / for this me i did not know myself to be / for this alone that has taught me everything / shout out to my son on this journey with me / for his clear head and heavy hustle / for the lessons he has learned / shout out to the voices in my head who sound like ex lovers who fight with me / on the freeways / late at night / in line at the bank / for the hot showers / the clam chowder soup at the vons on hillcrest and manchester / for that good good drive up atm at wells fargo / shout out / shout out / shout out to the bruno's across the street from mcdonald's / shout out to the french toast special with sausage / shout out goddammit for the high stakes / for knowing that we will sleep inside or outside depending on the sales / shout out for always the sales / for the come through in the middle of the night / shout out for sense enough to give thanks to god / shout out to the gratitude log / for the blog / the journals / the doodles in the margins / my toni morrison books in dietra's garage / shout out to homegirls / to dollar stores / to late night texts / to the journey i wouldn't take nothin' for / to this moment / to the days ahead / shout out for being fly and looking like my shit is together / shout out for together / for fly / for love / for the angels and ancestors who know
Today
This love is vibrant
This alone
This fine alone finally
This staring into myself and finding
Myself
Whole
This alone
This fine alone finally
This staring into myself and finding
Myself
Whole
Gratitude
I am thankful for the blessing of this day
For clean laundry and time with friends
For a full tank of gas and safe streets
Rent for the day
Good conversations
For Uraeus
For food
For a lead on a new place
Art
Poetry
Work
I am thankful for my afternoon nap
For Criminal Minds marathons and wine coolers
For this good AC
For peace in my head
For mental and physical health
For love
For clean laundry and time with friends
For a full tank of gas and safe streets
Rent for the day
Good conversations
For Uraeus
For food
For a lead on a new place
Art
Poetry
Work
I am thankful for my afternoon nap
For Criminal Minds marathons and wine coolers
For this good AC
For peace in my head
For mental and physical health
For love
Monday, October 21, 2019
Gratitude
I am thankful for rising on this early morning
Thankful for new ideas
For a good rest last night
For love and peace
For Uraeus
For a good conversation with Rain yesterday
Friends
Family
Good mental and physical health
Thankful for new ideas
For a good rest last night
For love and peace
For Uraeus
For a good conversation with Rain yesterday
Friends
Family
Good mental and physical health
Sunday, October 20, 2019
Up
5:17am. Inglewood. Up in prayer and hustle. Up working on the new book. Up trying to get that nother dollar. Up thankful to be alive and thankful that Uraeus is alive. Up in love with life today. Up getting ready for work.
Love yourselves.
Love yourselves.
Gratitude
I am thankful for seeing the dark of this early early morning
Thankful for friends
For shelter
For food
For books and art to sell
For work
Love
Ease
Thankful for friends
For shelter
For food
For books and art to sell
For work
Love
Ease
Saturday, October 19, 2019
Morning. Art. Getting back to poetry.
5:57am. Inglewood. I'm feeling good this morning. I had a beautiful day yesterday. The way God keeps showing up in my life! Yes, Lord! Yes! I got up this morning and painted and it felt so good. Now I need some more canvas panels. Gonna stop by Michael's to day and get some before work. I also need to work on some more poetry. I haven't written poetry in weeks. At least that's what it feels like. I'm working on my book these days. About to get to that now. I hope you have an amazing day today.
Love yourselves.
Love yourselves.
Gratitude
I am thankful today for seeing this beautiful early morning
For the candles lighting the rooms
The quiet
For Uraeus
For life
For being able to again
Again
I am thankful for Sage
For ease
For art and words
For the sky
For peace
For good mental and physical health
For the candles lighting the rooms
The quiet
For Uraeus
For life
For being able to again
Again
I am thankful for Sage
For ease
For art and words
For the sky
For peace
For good mental and physical health
Friday, October 18, 2019
Up early. Getting it done. New space.
3:01am. Inglewood. We in a new place. A room in Inglewood. I love it. Easy parking. Great space. Really clean. Not as expensive as the place before. God is good. I'm meeting a woman who works for the city of Los Angeles who is working on some project or another and she's using the art of local artists. I don't know the details. Anyway she's buying a painting from me. We're meeting this morning at 9:15. Heeey! I super proud of Uraeus. It's his business and something I'm not posting here, but he's the bomb. I'm up earlier than I want to be. I have painting to do and touch ups on old paintings and advertising to do and work work work. I'm signing off now but I wish you all a good day.
Love yourselves.
Love yourselves.
Gratitude
I am thankful for this early rising
For friends who love me and friends I love
I am thankful for my family
For Uraeus
For words and art
For this new room
For peace and ease in my head
For friends who love me and friends I love
I am thankful for my family
For Uraeus
For words and art
For this new room
For peace and ease in my head
Thursday, October 17, 2019
Up. Fires. Ready.
6:35am. Los Angeles. Good morning, loves. I had a good sale yesterday. After my morning prayers I started painting. I was a little stressed from not having sold anything on Tuesday. I didn't let it knock me out and just started painting. It was about 8:30am and needed money by 11am checkout. I posted the painting I did and was blessed to sell it before the paint even dried. Won't He do it! I have some small fires to put out today. I don't know that they are small though. They feel pretty big to me. I'm up early though and I'm feeling ok and ready to work. There is stuff going on. Stuff I don't want to post. Pray though. Ok?
Love yourselves
Love yourselves
Wednesday, October 16, 2019
Stuff
6:59am. Los Angeles. My client died Monday night. I have a lot on my plate. I only have super choppy sentences. I still keep a gratitude log. I just do it in my head. Maybe one day I will post them again. I'm getting back into posting words on this blog. I'm working on my book. Right now it's called Journey of a Free Woman on Hold. It's about hanging on. About depression. About clouds. About the pockets of happiness. It's about stuff. I hope you like it. I only have time to work and get money. I am tired. I am mentally really tired. I haven't been on my meds since June. I am fucking spiraling. I don't want to go back into hospital. I am afraid of going back on my meds. In June I took a bunch of pills. I don't know why. Maybe I know why. I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to. Really talk to. I know I do. There is nobody I want to talk to. I feel like nobody is going to understand.
Monday, October 14, 2019
Free write. Class. Writing again.
6:55pm. USC. I'm in class right now and the free write topic is to write about something I made it through. It's been a while since I have posted anything in this blog except pictures and paintings and I think this is a good time to jump back into words. I miss writing. I miss words. My writing muscle is getting flabby. And so am I. But that's another free write.
Something I made it through is a month of living in a hotel. Two hotels actually. We found another one near Cal State LA that is better looking, with better cable and is less expensive than the one we were in before so we took it. Things are improving. And things are still the same. Ain't that life? But we made it out of September. October 10 made a month since we left my cousin's house in Palmdale. Rent is due every day or every two days or however many days I can pay for at one time. And you know, truthfully, I wouldn't trade anything about this experience. I've spent a lot of money. That was the choice I had if we were going to sleep indoors though. I'm getting my paperwork together to show potential landlords how much we are able to pay and getting my money together too. I have literally had to come up with about $120 every day for the place and food. Before that's something that would have scared me shitless. It doesn't anymore. We made it every single day last month. We slept inside every night. We ate good food every day. We never ran out of gas. I didn't have to borrow from anyone. We made it through last month and I thank God that God was watching over us. I know a place is coming our way. I know more art sales are coming. I have shifted my focus from selling books and paintings to murals. I am still selling books and paintings though. But what I'm pushing right now is murals because I get more money for them.
My assistant just announced that we have two minutes left of the free write. I really didn't do the full assignment but hey. The lesson tonight was on descriptive writing and using the senses in writing. I didn't do that anywhere, but I do honor myself, as I honor each student for getting the story out. I'm glad I did. Well, that's the alarm. I'll chat more.
Something I made it through is a month of living in a hotel. Two hotels actually. We found another one near Cal State LA that is better looking, with better cable and is less expensive than the one we were in before so we took it. Things are improving. And things are still the same. Ain't that life? But we made it out of September. October 10 made a month since we left my cousin's house in Palmdale. Rent is due every day or every two days or however many days I can pay for at one time. And you know, truthfully, I wouldn't trade anything about this experience. I've spent a lot of money. That was the choice I had if we were going to sleep indoors though. I'm getting my paperwork together to show potential landlords how much we are able to pay and getting my money together too. I have literally had to come up with about $120 every day for the place and food. Before that's something that would have scared me shitless. It doesn't anymore. We made it every single day last month. We slept inside every night. We ate good food every day. We never ran out of gas. I didn't have to borrow from anyone. We made it through last month and I thank God that God was watching over us. I know a place is coming our way. I know more art sales are coming. I have shifted my focus from selling books and paintings to murals. I am still selling books and paintings though. But what I'm pushing right now is murals because I get more money for them.
My assistant just announced that we have two minutes left of the free write. I really didn't do the full assignment but hey. The lesson tonight was on descriptive writing and using the senses in writing. I didn't do that anywhere, but I do honor myself, as I honor each student for getting the story out. I'm glad I did. Well, that's the alarm. I'll chat more.
Jungle Flowers 3
JUNGLE FLOWERS 3. Unfortunately, we lost Yuri's father, then her brother and then her mother. That was an incredible amount of loss for our dear sister. Jennifer was living out of state and couldn't be here. But she was here. We are always with each other. Especially during those hard times. This is a painting of us in front of the church at Yuri's father's service. Imani and I sat at a table together and shared beautiful stories as we lifted Yuri in love.
This painting is 12" x 16" acrylic on canvas panel. $150. It can be yours! PayPal jahazainabu@gmail.com, cash app $TheRedTea, Venmo TheRedTea
This painting is 12" x 16" acrylic on canvas panel. $150. It can be yours! PayPal jahazainabu@gmail.com, cash app $TheRedTea, Venmo TheRedTea
Jungle Flowers 2
JUNGLE FLOWERS 2. My favorite memory of THE JUNGLE FLOWERS is the last time I remember us all being together. Jennifer was twisting Imani's locks, Yuri was doing some gymnastics moves and I may or may not have had too much wine. We spent the night recasting The Wiz with people we knew. We had a ball!
This painting is part 2 of the series. It's 12" x 16" acrylic on canvas panel. $150. It can be yours! PayPal jahazainabu@gmail.com, cash app $TheRedTea, Venmo TheRedTea
This painting is part 2 of the series. It's 12" x 16" acrylic on canvas panel. $150. It can be yours! PayPal jahazainabu@gmail.com, cash app $TheRedTea, Venmo TheRedTea
Jungle Flowers 1
JUNGLE FLOWERS 1. Imani Tolliver, Jennifer Patrice Bowens and I all lived in an area of Los Angeles called The Jungle. Yuri Besselle Hinson was Jungle by association. We called ourselves THE JUNGLE FLOWERS. We brought our own special kind of peace and sage and flowers to a part of town that wasn't always so peaceful.
This painting is the first in a series. It's 12" x 16" acrylic on canvas panel. $150. It can be yours! PayPal jahazainabu@gmail.com, cash app $TheRedTea, Venmo TheRedTea
This painting is the first in a series. It's 12" x 16" acrylic on canvas panel. $150. It can be yours! PayPal jahazainabu@gmail.com, cash app $TheRedTea, Venmo TheRedTea
Saturday, October 12, 2019
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