Memories

I was angry and wasn't
grown woman enough
to articulate my feelings

I punished him with my silence
He wasn't punished
He was grateful for the quiet

Peppermint tea was his favorite
I held the handle
as I handed him the cup

You are a coward
I told myself
A scardicat
Afraid to use your words
What good is all your poetry
if you can't even say

I do not like you anymore

So what
I told myself

I was glad to hear him wince
as he burned his fingers
on the glass

I'm sorry
I said

Knowing all along

Memories

I don't know why I remember certain things when I remember them, but some memories pop up and make me smile. Earlier I was thinking about when Uraeus and I lived in the jungle (and for those of you who don't know, the jungle is an area in South Central Los Angeles. I know you wanna believe I'm artsy and eccentric enough to live in the real jungle with my child, but no.) Anyway, we were living in the jungle and the way my apartment was laid out was like this: the one bedroom was for Uraeus and was in the rear of the apartment, the dining room I created for my bedroom which was next to the kitchen and the living room was my studio / office / tv room / library / living room. It sounds busy, but it worked. 

On the night that I am remembering, my nephew, Reuben spent the night with us. Uraeus slept in the bed with me and Reuben slept in Uraeus' room. Reuben woke up in the middle of the night I guess confused about where he was (I get that way now, a lot.) he stared half asleep half awake walking around and went out the front door. Now, let me say here that going out the front door in the jungle can be a dangerous experience for anyone at anytime, but especially for a young boy in the middle of the night who was not even completely awake. I'm usually a very light sleeper, especially when I have little ones in the house with me, but either he was extra quiet or I was extra tired. 

Reuben opened the door and started to walk downstairs. As usual, there were men hanging out in the stairwell and outside. The men were Country and his crew. In the short story that I wrote for WOMEN IN THE VILLAGE GO 'ROUND AND 'ROUND called The Jungle Story, one of the characters is named Country and that character is loosely based on Country, my neighbor. 

When one of the men saw Reuben, he brought him back up to my place. Reuben had left my door wide open and my bed was easily visible from the front door. The guy walked Reuben into the apartment but didn't want to scare me and so went back to the door and knocked and yelled until I woke up. 

That memory makes me smile because of all of the foul stories told about being in the jungle, the guy didn't touch me or the kids or steal anything or anything like that. He just made sure my nephew was inside safely and made sure I wasn't spooked in the process. Now had that been on some movie, in the same location, you know all kinds of crazy stuff would have happened. That's because, in my opinion, the movies don't portray the very human sides of how we live.

Well the next morning, Reuben didn't remember anything and Uraeus had slept through everything so when I told the story to them they laughed the whole way through and I ended up sounding like the crazy mom / aunt with the funny stories.

'Cause I shake the best

I remember the night my mother announced that she and my father were getting divorced. We were in the house on Cameron St. My sister, Roshann was sitting on the floor below me. I was laying on the couch with my head near hers and my mother was on her knees at the coffee table right in front of us. I remember it was night time.

I wasn't feeling much in those days. Purposely. If I felt tears coming I would fight them off with my contrived, inappropriate joy. Doing cheers was my method of choice. I don't even remember all of my mother's well prepared words.

My name is Robin, yeah. I am a virgo, yeah. Blah blah blah, yeah. Blah blah blah blah blahblah! Hey hey! 'Cause I shake the best, hey hey! "Your dad and I both love..." 'Cause I shake the best, hey hey! "...will always be your father..." My name is Robin and my favorite color is red... "nobody will ever replace..." I'm better than you 'cause you pee in the bed. Hey hey! "...although he won't be livng here..." 'Cause I shake the best, hey hey!

I knew what was going on but I didn't want to hear it or feel it and most of all I didn't want anyone to see me crying about it. So if I had to sit through it, I would not do so without my off beat soundtrack in the background (foreground really). While I don't need that little girl doing cheers during stressful times anymore, I do pull her out every now and then for fun. In traffic. Hey hey! A few times when I was late for work and had to "meet" with the supervisor. 'Cause I shake the best! Hey hey! Sometimes in church when clearly the minister is unprepared (or I just don't want to be there.) My name is Robin... The night I thought I was having a heartattack and had to spend a two days in the hospital. "Hello, Ms. Reed, I'm Dr...." Hey hey! "We're concerned about..." My name is Robin.

Memories 6 - Uraeus - Just things

When my son was in the first grade he was in a math competition in his class. Easy rules. Whoever answered the math questions correctly first was the winner. The winner of this fierce competition, that lasted twenty minutes (maybe), would get a package of flexipencils. Twelve of them. I mean, FLEXI-PENCILS! TWELVE OF THEM!

When I picked him up from school that day he got into the car with a solemn look on his face. I knew that he did not win. I felt…sad? because he felt sad. I knew that he knew the answers to the math questions. All of them. I was also aware of what he made the prize mean. Him receiving flexi-pencils from the teacher that day in front of his peers would have meant (to him, and to his classmates) that he was smart, wonderful, special, a great person. The list goes on. Uraeus, my wonderful son, is already awesome, already incredible, already all of it. Flexi-pencils, by the way, are just pencils that bend. And not all the way mind you. But more than regular pencils do. A package of twelve I think are $1.29. The ones with SpongeBob’s face on them are sixty cents more, I think. Anyway, flexi-pencils do not define Uraeus. But of course I understood the desire to win.

I began to think about how often we chase things and people and prizes because someone gave them a special meaning and we dedicated our lives to achieving them without stopping to recognize that these prizes, all of them are flexi-pencils. Understand here that I am not saying that flexi-pencils are meaningless. Instead I am saying that they mean exactly what we make them mean. The prizes in our lives mean what we make them mean. The hardships we go through mean what we make them mean. We shape them with our words, our dreams. What we believe.

memories 3

him: I don't think that what you do will ever be enough to take care of anybody.

me: (thinking) wow.

Memories 2 - the bus stop

when i was 18 i looked about 15
i was sitting on the bus stop in the valley
a white man who was probably 40 but looked 50
parked his car in front of me
got out and sat on the bench with me

i didnt want to show him i was afraid
so i sat there
i should have run
but i didnt

he unzipped his pants
jerked his penis
asked me if i learned about masterbation in school

i looked at him
rolled my eyes and said
thats nothin

he zipped his pants and left

Memories - Sophia

i was in high school when sophia shot herself
herself
shot
her
self

beautiful sophia
who left us too soon
too young
high school graduation
real world
then dead

i sang with sophia
in the church choir
then she was gone
laughed at her jokes
admired her beauty
listened to her big girl stories
and then she was gone

sophia
only three years older than i
sophia who was beautiful
then gone

none of us knew how to handle
her death
we couldnt wrap our church girl brains
around suicide
bold lines arond sin
became blurry

we didnt know what to do with
her death
death

neither did they
the big people who knew
everything
and everyones silence served
no one

They grow up so fast

Uraeus, at 10 almost 11 was watching TV and I started rubbing his back. "Mom, stop. please!" Then regretfully turned around and put his hand on mine and said, "I'm sorry. It's not you. It's me."

Memories

Big Pam pushed me down on the playground and the next morning Grandmommy took me to school. She walked me alllllllll around the playground looking for Big Pam. I saw her, but I told Grandmommy she wasn't there that day. I was afraid for Big Pam. Grandmommy said, "Oh, I know she's here. That's her over there. But you don't wanna say nothin'."

How did she know?

Bed making

I was a young girl
My mother made a bed for me
Best bed I've ever had

Don't remember why
Every night the trip
To Builders Emporium
On Del amo
In Carson
Near Mildred's house

It's not there anymore
Not the store
Not the bed

The memory won't leave
Wood
Nails
Stain

Pride

Memories 2

Dad: Hello.

Me: Hey, Daddy.

Dad: Hey, Honey! How you doin'?

Me: Fine. I was just callin'.

Dad: That's ok. So, what's goin' on?

Me: Nothin' really.

Dad: You got a boyfriend?

Me: No. Not right now.

Dad: Why not?

Me: I don't know. I just don't right now.

Dad: Hnuh. It was a cute guy down at the sto' that mighta been good fa you.

Me: (laughing)

Dad: (laughing) He might still be down there, I don't know.

Memories

Dad: Hello.

Me: Happy birthday!

Dad: Thank you, Honey!

Me: I called you yesterday but couldn't reach you.

Dad: I didn't get no message from you.

Me: I couldn't leave a message. The phone just rang and rang. The machine didn't come on.

Dad: That's 'cause you didn't let it ring long enough.

Me: How long was I supposed to let it ring?

Dad: Fifteen times.