Morning already

Crazy wired up and can't seem to get back to sleep. Not really trying too hard either. So, this is good morning. I'm sitting up in the bed trying to still my mind and breathe. And pray. Trying to think and not think. Visioning and just being. Wishing good thoughts for my son, for the world, for myself. Being easy on myself. I need to walk today. Or swim or something. I need to move. This free write about good morning and what I'm thinking and not thinking and wishing and wanting is good for me.

Free writing is like stretching for me. It's how I let some of the words and thoughts out. How I begin and end my day. What I do in the middle of my day. How I release. How I love myself. Try it. You may find the same thing.

There are things I don't say here. Things I keep in a private journal. No, things I kept in a private journal because I haven't written in my journal in a while. So, the things I don't say here I say in therapy, with friends, to myself in traffic. Or I swallow them and they either pass eventually by turning into no matter words that I release here or they get stuck on the gum I shouldn't have swallowed (or ever chewed in the first place) either.

I have a long day ahead and should close my eyes for a bit. But I won't. I know me. I don't want to go to therapy today. I usually do but today I don't want to. Probably because today I need to. Probably because today I can't say what a great week I had and I would like to. But the probabalys are irrevelant because I'm going anyway. Every time I think about canceling my sessions I quickly shut that thought down because if I start that I will eventually stop going and I know that it's helping me a great deal. I don't have to hide there. I don't feel judged. I don't feel like I'm bothering her with my stories. With my life. I feel gotten, and I need that.

I'm getting up now. Have a great day all. Call someone you're thinking about and express your love, or whatever.

Dear Jaha

Close your iPad and lie down. Just do it.

Shoot with Alice the poet today

It's 11:48pm and I'm at home. Gladly. I had a beautifully long day today. Had a photoshoot with Alice. I love Alice and had a great time with her today. We took some shots in her place, outside her place, then headed down to Leimert Park to get more. As usual in Leimert, especially on a Sunday, we saw a bunch of people we knew. It was a peaceful day. After we were finished I went down to Vibrations for the first part of the writer's workshop. I kinda knew I wouldn't stay.

I had a good day yesterday and I knew I needed to head home and get some rest. I had an exciting day yesterday and last night at my birthday party but I was coming off a pretty hard week. I have to take this minute by minute, hour by hour and be aware of my stressers along the way. That's my path to healing. Or at least my path to coping.

L is back in the hospital. I'll go and see her tomorrow after therapy. I'm sending her the good thoughts I have. I should be resting right now. Resting. But I have to go through this process so I can sleep. Letting the words out. The words that won't stop spinning. Spinning spinning. The nothing no big deal words and thoughts that cloud my head and race around.

It's 12:09am now. I'm editing photos from another shoot while I'm typing on this blog. I'm not tired. I have energy for everything. Law and Order just came on and I can actually edit Alice's photos, then clean the kitchen, write some more. I'm a little more up than I want to be.

I'm going now. This is abrupt. But you're used to it. Enjoy your early morning.

After birthday party

Hello world. Thank you so much to all of you who came out to my birthday celebration. I had an awesome time. I laughed, laughed some more, talked, reconnected and got the best pair of shoes ever from Korlah. Thanks mama!

So glad Selome was there. I shared with her bits and pieces of my slump of a last week and told her that I thought it was because the herbs weren't strong enough. "But how many times did you cheat with sugar?" She quickly asked. I was honest, "A lot. A whole lot." So I'm gonna give it another try. I also cheated on my daily workout. Ok ok, I'll try again next week.

I'm so glad the children in my life were there, my son, niece and nephew. Was glad to introduce my friends to my mother, sister, cousin, brother in law and uncle. Saw some friends I haven't seen since high school. Some were from the church I grew up in. Others from my wonderful world of poetry. I'm thankful for all of them! All of you!

I'm shooting Alice the poet this morning so I had better get up and get goin. It's 11:58am and I need to be in L.A. by 1:00pm. I'll make it.

Enjoy your day all of you. I will. I will.

Vote!

I'm watching a special on Barack Obama with Chris Matthews on MSNBC right now. Enjoying it. This man's journey is incredible. I watched the RNC and DNC and have been talking to people in person and on Facebook about political issues. It still surprises me how many people are so ready to complain about the "system" in America but are unwilling to vote. I keep hearing over and over about how "they" are going to do what "they" want to do anyway. My answer to the people who don't vote is, well yeah!

Uraeus

There is something amazing that happens to me when I open the door and see my son sleeping. He is fourteen years old, almost fifteen, and it still happens.

Workin it out

Good morning all. It's 5:24 and I'm awake. I'm feeling much better than I did yesterday. Yesterday was rough. The episodes are getting deeper. Perhaps I shouldn't have taken myself off of the medication so soon. Or at all. I like the idea of the herbs I'm taking but truthfully I don't know if this St. John's Wort, fish oil, b 12 concoction is strong enough to manage the flips of my mind.

I was afraid yesterday. I'm always afraid when an episode lasts more than three days. My thoughts get low and believable. I get afraid to call. I get afraid to ask for help. I tell myself that there is nothing that anyone can do anyway. In my rational moments I know that's not true.

In a clear moment two weeks ago I planned a birthday party for myself. Yesterday I was overwhelmed by the thought of it. I thought I would wake up today like I have been waking up, like not feeling like doing anything but stay in bed. Even though I do get out of bed. My life is not such that I can afford to just pull the covers over my head because I'm having a moment, or a week. What has me anxious is the work it takes to act like everything is ok in front of the people I love. Maybe that's why yesterday was so hard. The party is tonight and yesterday I was so afraid I wouldn't be able to do it. Wouldn't be able to pull myself together.

I did though. Pulled myself together. I went to my son's football game and laughed with him on the way home. The day is early but I think I will be fine tonight. Glad I didn't cancel it. I do have to find some healing method to treat this illness because I'm not willing to go back on the medication that I know I need and the herbs don't seem to be strong enough. The episodes are stronger than before and it's harder to pull myself out of it. Plus I'm going through the ups and downs at the same time. Maybe I'm only fooling myself when I pretend to be ok in front of others. Maybe they know I'm off and just don't understand what's going on. Maybe I'm just paranoid.

I'm going to try to get some more sleep. But thank you for...listening.

Oh FLOTUS!

Michelle Obama was amazing tonight! I held onto every word of her speech. She was moving, inspiring and witty. She was beautiful and humble and believable. Thank you, first lady. Thank you.

DNC 2012 tonight

The Democratic National Convention 2012 starts tonight. Michelle Obama is speaking tonight. Looking forward to hearing her.

Which one are you?

There are people in the world who powerfully live their lives and then there are those who spend time telling them how they should do it differently.

The shoulds

I have a low tolerance for people who make comments about what other people should be doing with their lives. I keep thinking, like, isn't there something going on in your life that you should be doing to make it better? Life is too short to should other people!

My birthday

Good morning all. It's Saturday, September 1 at 3:37 am. If you know me or have followed my blog at all you are not surprised that I'm up and writing at this hour. This is the God hour. The hour the thoughts come. This morning I am thinking about my birthday coming up in two days. On Labor Day, Monday, September 3, 2012 I will be 43 years old. Thank You, Mother / Father God for blessing me to get this close.

I'm having a party on Saturday, September 8 at Vibrations (home of Red Stories) and you are invited. Yes you. Please come out and celebrate with me. Vibrations is at 2435 Manchester Blvd., Inglewood, CA 90305. It's a potluck so any dish, drink, snack you bring will be greatly appreciated. It starts at 8pm and I don't know how long we will be there.

As for my gifts, here is what I want:
1. If a brother comes up to you and asks you to buy his cd, if you can, buy it. Please look in his eyes and say hello. Ask about his family and listen to his work.

2. If you know a sister living with bipolar or any mental illness, call her today. Especially if you haven't heard from her in a while. Checking on her Facebook page is not enough. She knows better than to show her true feelings on Facebook. Ask me how I know.

Call her and if she is having an episode just listen. She is not asking you to fix her, be her therapist, minister, healer. Listeners are more valuable than you know. Give her a safe place to express. Let it be ok that she cannot explain to you what's wrong.

I have lived with the mania and the depression of bipolar II for so so many years but was only diagnosed this year. I have known for many years that something was ...not right. But because I couldn't explain the episodes, I hid when I felt them coming. I hid from the people who loved me the most. I still hide from my family. It's my way. I don't want them to feel helpless. I feel like they wouldn't understand, because I don't even understand and during an episode I am not in a space to explain. I don't want to be judged when I come back to even. I don't want every emotional expression to be dismissed as an episode. The reasons I hide from the ones who love me go on and on. How am I right now? I'm well. I think this is coming up because this has been a pretty heavy week. I went to not one but two funerals TODAY. That's a first for me. I have never heard of anyone going to two funerals in the same day. I questioned whether or not I should. I went and am glad I did. For myself and for the families.

Now it is 4:06 am and I am still writing. Sitting up in bed. With "Love." And I am very private about us so... But I am up, writing. Letting these words out of my head so that I can sleep. These whatever words about birthday and bipolar II and hiding. These words and thoughts I don't plan but just come in the God hour asking to be set free.