Prayer

A whisper is a prayer. Looking up at the moon is a prayer. A drive down to San Diego. A walk on Venice Beach. A movie with a friend. Prayer. 90's hip hop is a prayer. Sex is a prayer. A deep, bended knee, closed eyes prayer. A good sermon is a prayer. Come on now sing with me. This womanist body is a prayer. All nappy and black and free. Being black in America is a prayer. You know it is. These breasts these legs these black hands and thighs. Prayer. Prayer. Prayer. Rearing a black son with locks and brains is a prayer. Bow your head with me. A poem is a prayer. Coming up with the rent every month is a prayer. God won't You help me please? Not taking all of the pills is a prayer. Pills are a prayer. This post is a prayer. Come soon sleep. Come soon. A kiss on the back of my neck is a prayer. Do you know that kind of prayer? Death is a prayer. Life is too. Life is a prayer. A song, way Mahalia Jackson sang a song, is a prayer. Money is a prayer. Even this itch in the middle of my back is a prayer. It's all a prayer. It's all gon be all right. Or it ain't. It's still a prayer. Still a prayer.

Come

Somebody bring me a river. Bring me an ocean, a lake. Some water I can walk into and clean myself and come out only if I want to. Somebody tell me what you know about carrying this kind of weight. Not these hips these thighs this stomach. I'm talking about this skin. This black this woman. Tell me how you feel when you see this body done wrong. Somebody bring me a hole to crawl into. One that's made just for me. Where I can use it when holding my stress and yours too get too ...much for me. Where somebody at? Somebody to grease this scalp and lotion these legs. Come through somebody. Come through. Somebody bring me a pen. I can write down all I want to say so don't nobody forget. Come through somebody. Somebody tall or short, fat or skinny, with freckles or without. Somebody with some get up and get ready. Somebody with some act right about theyself. Come through somebody. See these scars. I been here before. Was a wolf and a bear, a bee and a tree. I put in all types of work. I just want to rest now. Come through somebody. Come hold my hand while I fall asleep.

Watching

Today in the park the lady with all the dogs was there. Pushing her sons in the double stroller. Wearing her heels. Like this is a runway. Like this is the Beverly Center. Like her feet are her business. A woman sitting on a blanket with her toddler daughter told her to take her fucking shoes off. Like she couldn't say that a better way. The man threw a football with his son. I think it was his son. They had the same pale skin. The same bow legs. What difference does it make?... Today in the park the woman backing up almost hit the man driving forward. He had to swerve to avoid a wreck. Story of my life I thought. Story of my life. All this swerving I do. All the wrecks I avoided. Ones I been in too. The poet, the comedian, the office manager, the model. All the wrecks. The lessons. Today in the park a flag was waving. I'm all like waving for me? For my people? For the toddler and her fucking shoes? A boy chased a girl. A mother pushed her child on the swing. Today is just a regular Monday. Nothing special about this park except the pine cones are bigger than others. But I need moments like this. Just watching. The dog chase the boy. The baby go down the slide. The breeze hit my cheek. Hear the ladies laugh. This is how I ready for tonight. Tomorrow. For my life.

Clouds

Depression is like menstrual cramps. You are happy and feel good the day after the last day because you are not bleeding and hurting but you know in the back of your being that free aint free. That the cramps will come again. The clouds will form. You just have to feel good while you feel good. And love that. Like really love that. You just have to know that the love you give yourself while you feel good will do you some good when you have no energy to love yourself like you should during the storm.

V. Wyatt. Linda.

Venela Flagg and I went to see Wyatt Underwood today. He's in a nursing facility which means that he's too well to be in a hospital but not well enough to go home. It was good to see him. Send him your love and prayers and let him know how much we miss him and Linda. Also, he said to let everyone know that he's doing "better than awful." Actually he looks good. Smiling that smile and laughing. Send him some love.

Free day

Today I am not depressed. Not lost under a mound of covers and life too demanding wondering if I will have will enough to survive. Not longing for death or poison or pills or gun. God please bless my soul.
Today I am at the beach. Walking on this overcast day. I sipped the sun through a straw. The sadness may return but today I am here. I am enough. A freckled freak show. A beautiful. Today I am a palm tree. A flower. A flame.
Today I am thankful for those who held my head ...when I couldn't lift it to sky. For those who prayed for me when I could not breathe for myself. For the calls the words the love. Today I am a butterfly. A glass of Merlot. Today I am rent paid. A Christmas tree. A new red journal. A pen. I am car washed and floor cleaned. I am dishes put away. Don't come for me. You are not ready. I am a poet.

Today I am Tupac and Mahalia Jackson. I am the blues. Bless this bipolar heart. Bless this lithium this lorazapam this prozac.
Today I am a wish. A ready. A still. A story. A flicker. Pray saints. Hold your hands my way. That should the clouds form again I will live to see another day.
Today I am a whisper. A kiss. A tongue. Today I am a breast being sucked. A haircut. A pedicure. Today I am a green light. A hoodrat a queen. Today I am black thongs and matching shoes. Today I am in these streets trying to function. Today you can't tell me nothin'. Wipe your shoes before you come past my door.
There are days I doubt I will see the next but today I am a forever. A tattoo. I am a knowing. A rock. A river.

Hard. Managing. WomanPreach.

It's 9:27pm and I am at home. The past few weeks have been hard for me. Hard for me to...deal...with almost anything. Hard to get in the shower, hard to get out of the car when I get home, hard to get out of bed, hard to care about a lot of things. I have been managing work and doing a pretty good job of that, though I don't know how and it does take a lot out of me. Working with my client and teaching my weekly class and everything I do in between. It got so bad for me last week I went to Exodus to check myself into the hospital. I just got to see a psychiatrist on duty and she just doubled my Latuda meds. I didn't even get the Rx filled. I'll wait to see my doctor on the fifth and see what she says. I do think I need to be in the hospital for a while. I just don't really have the time. That and psych wards are scary.  That's my story. That was my experience the last time I was there. It did help me though. I'm leaving for Colorado this weekend so I won't make any decisions about going into the hospital until I return anyway.

But I'm managing. I give myself that. I give myself brownie points for doing the smallest things. Points for taking a shower. Points for getting out of the car when I park at home in under an hour. Sometimes I don't make it. But then sometimes I do.

I'm looking forward to going to WomanPreach this weekend because I always feel empowered when I'm there. Praying for a good time and that God uses me to speak the words God would have me speak. Here am I, Lord, use me.

This depression hit me pretty hard this time. I'm hoping for and easy lift. That the clouds separate and I see lovely blue skies again. I am believing this will happen soon.  At least I am believing it will happen.

Gonna get some notes together for the show this weekend. Wish me love.

Whisper

When a woman whispers a prayer for you
When she folds the thought of you
Into her clasped knuckles
When a woman closes her eyes
And sets your face next to her list
Of loves and blessings and questions
Know that this is the best pome she will create

When a woman offers her breath as tithe
She is giving the story of her life
May she ever be protected in your hands
Hold her humble like the sky holds the clouds
This is your blessing

When a woman knows her scripture is sacrosanct on your tongue
You have earned a friend bigger than the moon
Stronger than a lion
This is your portion
This love
This kind of ease

Breathing

I'm so easily irritated and overwhelmed today.

A poem a week for 2017 - for week 8 - Black trans sisters

I will say your name
Your whisper of a name
Leaves me breathless
I will call you a girl
A woman
A prayer a poet a breath
I will see you

You did not deserve this death
This dragon life
Killed for the audacity to be yourself

We owe you a life
We owe you a flood
Your life mattered
The way you left this world mattered
And says something about the horror
Of who we are

I will say your name
Ciara McElveen
Chyna Gibson
Keke Collier
Mesha Caldwell
Jamie Lee Wounded Arrow
Jojo Striker
There were others before you
May your ghosts be at rest
May we be strong enough to kill only
The weakness of hate in ourselves
I will pronounce all the syllables of your name
Know you like my blood
Like you
Are me

A poem a week for 2017 - for week 7 - For the love

just loving myself / just being so good to me / cause I deserve some good just like you do too / over here breathing / just in and out letting go what don't do me no more good / sitting here singing songs to myself and writing some too / my hand on my belly / going up and down like a rollercoaster / loving myself / all by myself so I can love you too / so I can give all this so good good lovin to somebody else if they want it / if not I'll just go on my way / my love is good enough for me

just watching the clouds / one look like my face / look like / look like a family reunion / way they come together to make a storm / ain't life grand / ain't it so good / don't bad things happen right on time then go away when they should

releasing / just letting it go / watching these tears fall to my feet / my ugly toes so pretty to me now / all of me so good to me now / take off my shoes run olive oil between my toes / don't it feel good / don't I deserve it / don't you too

Self care day. Chicago.

It's 5:05 pm and I am at home. I am taking some self care actions by just being quiet and alone and in touch with my feelings. I'm much better today. Yesterday I was filled with anxiety. Had a headache and crazy panic attacks. I read something on Facebook the other day that described my anxiety so well. It said something like "Anxiety is feeling like you have to solve all your problems right now." That's how I felt. Thankfully with the sun came the ability to separate everything I was worrying about and break the mountain down into ant hills. Some things I even realized weren't even worth my time and worry. I'm glad because I need the space in my head for other things. Like art and mothering and life and work and love.

Right now I am getting ready to go to Chicago. I leave in the morning and will be there for the weekend. I'm going to another Womanpreach event. I am so honored to be the artist in residence for that organization. That's another post though. What's on my mind right now is a poem I am trying to write about all of the transgender women being killed across the country. I've read about I think seven so far. One is too many. They are women of color and killed by our brothers. It makes me sick. How can you call yourself "conscious" and "woke" and still be a homophobe? You can't that's how. The poem hasn't formed yet but I'm working on it. I want to read it Friday at the show in Chicago. Right now it's called Chyna Doll Dupree Gibson is the fifth transgender woman killed in 2017 - Say her name. I know it's a long title but that's what it is right now. Gonna get back to work.

Love yourselves.