Happy place

New place. Good news. God is good.

I'm so happy right now! My cousin called me to tell me that Uraues and I can stay with her in her house in Palmdale. She has extra rooms and an extra bathroom. God is good. We will be heading up there on Wednesday when we leave L.A. Uraeus is applying for jobs down here in L.A. and my clients and other work for me is here so I'll be commuting which is cool. At least our chapter of motel living is over. I hope it's over. Again, I'm super happy. If you've been following our journey and praying for us and sending us love we appreciate it and it worked.

I hope your day is going well. Mine sure is.

Love yourselves.

Yikes

We had an earthquake while I was parking to go into the store. It shook pretty hard too. I really hope there are no more today.

Dietra. Caregiver. Love.

9:25am. At Dietra's. I'm up now writing and getting ready to go to work. I'll leave in about an hour. Thankfully my client only lives about ten minutes from where I am. I pray we have a good day together. This is the fourth of July and I expect that the fireworks will be going off. I hope it's not too crazy. I don't enjoy the fireworks. At all.

Well, yesterday I did get some new art supplies but I didn't end up painting anything. Also, I didn't go to The World Stage last night. I was tired and super unmotivated. I was taking care of Dietra's grandmother when she got home from the center yesterday and that was a challenge. Getting her up the stairs in her wheelchair and getting her to eat. Then going to the bathroom and into bed. I was already tired but that was work. She is not a problem. She is beautiful. She is also ninety-nine years old and fragile and afraid. Afraid of being touched. Afraid of standing up. Afraid of falling. I get it. I feel for Dietra because she has been taking care of her for years. Every day. And she takes GOOD care of her. Maybe you say that she is her granddaughter and she should. But what I'm saying is that she goes above and beyond just her basic needs. She puts hard work and love in the care she provides. On top of that she works a full time job which means she has to get up early in the morning to to get her dressed and ready for the van to take Grandma to the center. This is love work. The work she does is work nobody sees. She doesn't get recognized for any of this. This is a thankless job. I know. I do it. And often the people we work for say mean and hurtful things to us out of fear, or loneliness, or just being old. There is no apology that follows. We suck it up and continue being a blessing. The difference between Dietra's job with Grandma and mine with my clients is that I get to go home when my shift is over. She is never off the clock. If you know someone who is a caregiver to a friend or family member or loved one, especially one that lives with them, check in on them. Go by and sit. Bring a meal. Help them clean or give relief where you can. Believe me it helps. I know that life. I took care of my grandfather who had dementia. The work is not easy.

It's about time for me to get out of here. I hope you have a good day. I plan to have one.

Love yourselves.

Gratitude

I am so thankful for waking up today and seeing this beautiful day
I am thankful for Uraeus
For Dietra
Friends
Family
For shelter
Work
For words
Art
Poetry
I am thankful for food
For my mental and physical health
Love
Peace
For my clients
For happiness
Energy to keep going
Patience

Sometimes I am afraid of getting old

I am a caregiver
So I see a lot of old people
I feed them and wipe them
I hold their fragile hands in mine like a whisper
I count lines in their faces
Most of my clients have dementia
So I repeat phrases over and over like an Anita Baker tune

I have damaged my back
Lifting them and turning and sitting them up
Sometimes they don't know who I am
I am afraid that I won't recognize my loved ones one day

I am afraid of looking into my son's eyes and only thinking
He is a nice enough man
Afraid he might drop me
Afraid he might become a stranger with my face wiping my face
Cleaning my feces
Moping my urine
What if I forget his name
My name
The day of the week
The president
That my favorite color is red

I love them
All of them
Ms. A will be 103 in September
She always tells me that I am a sweet woman
She tells me that she talks to her papa about me when I am gone
The kind worker I am
My sweet face and pretty dress
Ms. A does not know my name

Mr. K just turned 86 and is funny and tries to make me laugh
And so I laugh
He is confused when I take him in the bathroom to change him
I ask him if I may pull his pants down
He is private about his privates
I understand
He still has to be changed

Ms. R was always rude to me
Nothing I did was good enough
Her tone was always nasty
Her words were unkind
Until the day she died she was mean
What if I am like her I think sometimes
What if I am so mad at God
For sentencing me to days and weeks and months in bed
That I spit in faces hired to care for me
I don't want to be Ms. R

Mrs. C was my favorite
We went for walks
And she would kiss the flowers on our path
Tell the dogs that she loved them
Tell me she loved me too
Maybe I could be Mrs. C

In two months I will turn 50
My hair is turning gray
My waistline is disappearing
My knees ache a bit
My son reminds me that I told him this story or that before
I wonder who I am turning into
Wonder if I will be a joy or a burden
Wonder if grandchildren will want to hear my stories
And fix my hair
Watch detective shows with me

Mr. P used to remind me that getting old ain't for sissies
And I understand
Can only imagine the courage it takes to not remember yesterday
Or an hour ago

I have chosen to live in the moment
Appreciate the blessing of 49
I stare at my reflection and appreciate this new woman
With hair thinner than before
With charcoal under my eyes
And flesh under my chin
She is beautiful I think
And I let go my fears
One after the other
They melt away like easy as cotton candy in the rain

Dietra's. Grandma. Art day.

8:41am. At Dietra's. Dietra and I just got her grandmother cleaned and ready to go to the center today. It's an ordeal. Getting her out of bed and to the bathroom. Getting her cleaned. Dressed. She's resistant to all of it. Dietra has a good system though and has been taking care of her for a long time. I'll be doing it by myself when D leaves for vacation in a couple of days. Pray saints.

Today I have to get some art supplies and show some new work. Praying for some sales soon because I need them. I'm taking the art I have up to the World Stage tonight. I hope it's a good night. There isn't a feature tonight so maybe the open mic will be a little longer. I haven't decided if I'm going to read or not. I have decided though that I need to write more new poetry. I've been so caught up in my life that I haven't been writing. I'll get back into it today.

I'm feeling well today. Feeling inspired and hopeful and ready to put some work in. I'm still thinking about the good day I had with Uraeus yesterday. We were in a good mood and we were just freely talking and it felt good. We even had lunch at the neighborhood park. Those little things are so special to me. Neither of us have any plans to be outside today so hopefully I'll be able to create some art.

I plan to have a good day and I hope you have one too.

Love yourselves.

Gratitude

I give thanks for waking up this morning
For witnessing this new day
For Dietra
For Uraeus
Friends
Family
Art
Words
Good physical and mental health
For love
Peace
Energy
Growth

Angry black women

I happily unfriended a brother today who said that Kamala Harris needs to be careful because she's starting to sound like an angry black woman. I'm NOT a Harris supporter and I'm also NOT a supporter or friend in any way of men, especially black men, who call black women angry black women. I hate that. Oftentimes people don't hear us unless we are shouting. That's also a problem. It bothers me when just because we express ourselves affirmatively we get called angry. I used to work for an agency, a home care agency, where the black women were given the worst clients and the worst schedules. When we complained about it that's what the owner of the agency called us, angry black women. Yes he was a black man (yes he was married to a white woman). Women given the least amount of respect in the country are black women.

Looking for a room for rent

Curtis's airbnb is booked for the month so we won't be going there. I really want to have a room for rent by the end of the month. I'm ready to unload my car and BE somewhere.

Hello Los Angeles

I'm looking for a room for rent. Private bathroom preferred but not a must.

Congratulations, Coco Gauff!