Gratitude

I am thankful for this day
For moments
For words I have to encourage myself
Thankful for Uraeus
For work

Working. Depression. Living space.

11:03am. Inglewood. I'm still with my client. I get off tomorrow. Feeling down. Also feeling afraid because I don't have the energy for this. For another cycle of depression. For apartment searching again. I'm tired.

Also, for some reason my right ear keeps clogging up. Breathe Jaha. Fucking breathe.

Work. Client. Awake.

8:31pm. Inglewood. I'm with my client now. He didn't sleep much last night but we had a pretty good day together. His daughter surprised us by having breakfast delivered. Good surprise. Right now I'm watching a movie called Kidnap starring Halle Berry. It's good except I don't like seeing movies about kidnapped Black little boys. I don't like seeing movies with anyone kidnapped but for obvious reasons I definitely don't like seeing it happen to little Black boys.

There is no WiFi here so I can't get on my computer. I've been pulling out posts on my blog that have to do with my journey with depression. I'm coming out with a book next year. I thought about starting from scratch but I have so many posts in my blog I can use. I'm going to be here until Monday about noon. I can go to the library when I leave here and get some work done on it. Monday night is the orientation for CLI this term so it doesn't look like I'll be online until late late Monday night if I'm not too tired.

Well, I'm hoping for some consistent sleep tonight. I hope he gets some good sleep too.

Have a good night all. Love yourselves.

Gratitude

I am thankful for waking up this morning
For work today
For friends and family
Uraeus
Peace
Thankful that God is on my side

Now

I am parked at the top of the hill / facing the sun / soon the sun will hide behind the trees / soon the sky will be a darker blue with red and orange mixed in / I remind myself in this moment that I have everything I need / right now I have enough / enough gas in the car / enough money / food / family / friends / enough love / enough

Inglewood. Overnight. All I need.

5:44pm. Inglewood. To begin, my birthday celebration at The World Stage Wednesday night went well. I had a great time and I enjoyed everyone who went up. I thought I would have a million pictures to post but I really don't have any. Maybe I'll go on other people's pages and pull some photos of the night. I was so busy enjoying myself and talking and drinking and listening and watching folks I just didn't think of the photos. To all of you who were there I say thank you. Also much love to those who wished me birthday love. I am thankful for gifts, calls, hugs, kisses, all of it!

Now, back to my life. I am doing about five overnights with one of my clients. When I got in last night he was in bed. He got up about 11:30pm to eat his dinner. He stayed up until about 5:00am. Went to bed and then got up at 8am. So needless to say I didn't get much sleep last night. I got off at noon and drove to El Segundo for lunch. I was headed to Dockweiler Beach and then made a u-turn for food. I had a nice drive, good food, and a good nap. Ready to work tonight. I hope my shift with him tonight will go well.

I have some things on my mind. Uraeus and I are still looking for a place in the L.A. area. Most of my work is here and so few jobs in Palmdale are calling but he's getting some interviews down here. Also my cousin's niece is coming back to my cousin's place. It was her guest room first. It will be a little crowded with all of us there so, we're looking again. Not today though. Because that's important here. Taking it one day at a time.

I am sitting in the car parked almost at the top of the hill facing the sun. Soon the sun will appear to be hiding behind the trees. The sky will be a darker blue with red mixed in. I am relaxing now. Waiting for the sky show. I am reminding myself that I have everything I need right now. Right now I have enough money. I have enough strength. Enough friends and family. Enough gas in the car. Enough food to eat. I have everything I need right now and that's what I'm going to focus on.

Love yourselves.

Inglewood. Grandma. Day.

9:10am. Inglewood. I'll be at Dietra's today taking care of Grandma. I started pulling essays, poems and musings from this blog to put out a book for next year. I'll post later. Make it a great day.

Love yourselves.

Gratitude

I am thankful for a new day
Thankful for turning 50 yesterday
For a party planned tonight
Thankful for Janice
For a good conversation
For tears
Thankful for Uraeus
Dietra
For friends
Family

Loving Trevor

Watching Trevor Noah with D and Trevor is proof that a Black comedian can tell jokes without saying niggah a bunch of times and without dissing trans people. Take notes Dave Chappelle.

My 50th

8:21pm. Inglewood. Glad I made it to my 50th birthday. Truthfully I'm feeling a little blah though. I'm celebrating tomorrow night at The World Stage and I'm looking forward to that. Today though, was hard. I had a good talk with Janice over the phone. I really needed it. I got to release a lot of shit I've been holding onto for what seems like my whole life. I don't know, maybe it's turning 50 that has me all emotional and rushed about cleaning house and not taking bullshit with me into the next chapter of my life. I don't feel like going into it. Maybe I will later.

I'm at Dietra's right now. Grandma just got home from the hospital and we're about to change and feed her. Also, I'm about to have a few glasses of wine. Today was whatever but I'm about to have a chill ass night. I hope you have one too.

Love yourselves.

Time

On Tuesday I turn fifty years old
There will be a celebration
There will be poetry and stories and friends
Fifty will bring more gray hair
There will be weight loss
There will be a bigger nappy afro
More walking
There will be a new swimsuit
Salads, juice, water
There will be less pizza
A new lover
More money
More work, play, art
More writing
More blogging
There will be a new book
A new place
Swimming, dancing, drinking
There will always be wine
Some down days
Some clouds
Maybe meds
Maybe not
A new couch
More candles
More Law & Order marathons
Netflix, Hulu
More rest
A new doctor
Therapist
Black toenails
Red lipstick
Good conversations
Renewed relationships
New
New
New
Another
Another
More
More
Years

Better space

I give thanks today for those who had love and patience for me when I lived in a very small box that only held room for straight, Christian, Black, mostly American people. I am thankful I don't live in that cramped space anymore. Life is so much better here.