NaNoWriMo - Day 30 - part 2 - Dear Mary

It's 11:07pm and I'm in my hotel room in D.C., Springfield really. The flight was easy and I slept through a lot of it. Even managed to get a lot of work done. The event at the church tonight was uplifting. So uplifting. Every time I work with them I am so inspired. Renewed. I work with an organization called WomanPreach as the artist in residence. Did I tell you that already? Anyway, tonight Catherine lead the ice break session and even from the beginning I had chill bumps. The women went around in a circle and talked about the social justice issues they were passionate about. These women, these amazing, powerful, passionate women. I should have written all of them down to tell about each one. I didn't though.

Well, Mary, I started these letters to you thirty days ago for National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) and today is officially the last day. I'm glad to say I completed it. I had more to say on some days then I did on others but I did finish. This was my first one. I look forward to doing it next year. I also look forward to April of next year for National Poetry Writing Month (NaPoWriMo). I learned some things about you. The most fascinating I guess is that your birthday is today! What a coincidence! Not that I believe in coincidences. But you know. I will write you more. Perhaps not every day, but today will not be the last day. I do love you. Even though we never met (really). Even though I have never known the sound of your voice (really). Even though there are questions I may never have answers to. All of that is ok. I do love you and I'm glad we got to spend this time together. So glad. I hope you got to know me more too.

It's 11:23 now and I'm quite tired from the day, the flight, the early morning, just tired and I must be up early in the morning. I'm going to go to bed now. Thank you again. For everything.

Before I leave I want to share something interesting I am experiencing. Basically, I'm experiencing normal and easy. Before it was a feeling I used to scare away. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like I couldn't possibly have a moment of my life when it wasn't stress and crazy. And by normal and easy I don't mean easy like I have no concerns. I do. I'm just getting better at recognizing and breathing through my triggers. My self talk is often and loud. Whatever I can do to keep me feeling even.

I'm sleepy. Very sleepy. I know it's the last day of NaNoWriMo but let's talk later, ok? Take care, Mary. Take care.

NaNoWriMo - Day 30 - Dear Mary

It's 6:25am and I am at the Los Angeles International Airport. I'm headed to Washington, D.C. to perform at a WomanPreach event. I am so thankful for poetry. I do enjoy traveling and I probably wouldn't be able to afford to travel as much as I do if I weren't traveling for shows. I am thankful that there are people who enjoy my work enough to fly me across the country to perform. God is good. I'll only be gone for the weekend which is good because I have some events I need to be back in L.A. for. I'm happy this morning. Not even because of circumstances, I just am. I am majorly in love with Love. All of our moments together are such blessings to me. Yesterday I read a blogpost by a woman I know online. She said everything I wanted to say and all that I feel. Her name is Carla and I can't quote her exactly right now but what I got from her was basically, in a marriage, the beauty is that you have someone present for you to witness your life. The good, the bad, the mundane. And you get to be that for someone else. What an honor for someone to say with his words and actions, "I will witness you." And to look at him and say and be the same. A witness. Thank you so much for that, Carla. Love wakes up dark time early in the morning to make his lunch and get ready for the day. Sometimes I get up with him to watch him. To look at him dress and pour sala chips in a bag, heat water for his tea, slice banana for his oatmeal, put juice in his bag, breathe, I watch him be. Sometimes we talk. Sometimes I break the silence with an episode of Law and Order. Sometimes we just...are. Yesterday I read him Carla's blogpost. He loved it too. He is my witness and I get to be his. O Mary, you know how I go on.

In other exciting news, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MARY! This is the day you were born! This day 75 (or is it 76? I'll have to figure it out) years ago, you came out of Grandmommy's womb and met your family. What an exciting time. I still don't know what I'm going to do for your day. Something private and special in my hotel room I suppose. What will you do today? How do you celebrate yourself? I am your witness, Mary. Your witness that you were here and your witness that you are here now. You are. You are here because I feel you and talk to you and will keep your memory alive, sweet aunt.

I just looked out of the window and noticed that it is very foggy outside. Send me love on this trip. It is amazing how these planes fly in the sky in perfect weather, how they do it in rain and fog is even more incredible.

My plane is boarding now. I will connect with you later. Happy birthday again. Enjoy your day!

NaNoWriMo - Day 29 - Dear Mary

2:37pm. At work. I had an interesting conversation today. The topic was "imaginary radio" from an article a friend read, or conversation he had with another friend. The topic was to prompt us to imagine what works great artists would be producing if they were here and even better, what works would we hear from them if we could hear what they are producing now. Assuming, of course, that they are still producing. I believe they are. What would we hear from Nina Simone, Jimi Hendrix, Marvin Gaye? What stories are Octavia Butler telling now? Do you hear them? Is there a space where you are where you listen to music and dance and sing along? Do you sit at poet's feet and listen to their words and stories? Do you sing and tell stories yourself? Who listens to you? What do you sing about, write about? What pictures do you paint? How do you move when you dance? Is it possible for me to hear art from where you are? Can it only happen in my dreams, my imagination?

NaNoWriMo - Day 28 - Dear Mary

It's 9:23pm and I am home with Love. It's quiet now, after dinner and I am enjoying a movie. Some silly movie about men plotting to kill their bosses. It's dumb, but I'm watching still. I will be up for a while tonight working on a writing project I have not made much headway on so far. Words. Art. Creating. That's what my night will be about.

Today was an easy day. My posts have been pretty dull lately, I know. I haven't been working too hard writing. This will shift. It always does. I just have to write through this phase. I am not the victim of it. I am bigger than this weak writing I've been doing. It will take energy though. But enough about me. Your birthday is in two days! How do you feel about that? Does that even matter to you? I told you that I will celebrate your birthday this year and I will. In my own way, I will. I haven't settled on what I will do, but something.

I'm happy right now. Really happy. Just because. I am appreciating this comfortable. This easy. This period of my life. It seems like things are always moving so fast. Always something to stress over or complain about. That or I'm over excited about something. I'm in such a different space in this season. I'm thankful for it. They say that the measure of the pendulum swing to the left is the measure to the right. I welcome that. I have been stressed and tired for so long I welcome a season of...not that.

It's 9:43 now and this movie staring at me is getting sillier and sillier by the minute and this writing project isn't going to happen magically. Before I go though I want to share how wonderful it was having dinner and watching a movie with Love tonight. I'm not usually home when he gets in but I was today. We sat and talked and found a good movie on television. Well, I liked it, he didn't. But we watched it together and talked and shared simple stories about our day. Just simple, regular, easy. I've waited so long for this. We've had our challenges this year but through all of it he has been there. Dependable, dedicated, friend. I have worked on letting go of negative stories and issues that have prevented me from moving forward in the way I wanted to. I have allowed myself to let pain surface and feel it. I didn't run. I stayed and talked through the feelings. I wrote and painted and took pictures. I did whatever I could. I was finally tired of carrying bags I was carrying. Tired of putting bandages over the bruises. I let them air out and breathe. Finally. I feel the difference in myself and in my relationship. I let my bags tell me lies and I believed them. I believed that I wasn't capable of being in a healthy romantic relationship. That I wasn't lovable. I know that's not true. I know I am lovable and very much worthy and deserving of a healthy romantic relationship. I know the journey isn't over. I am still healing. I'm in the process and I'm thankful for the lessons I've learned so far and know I have many more to go.

I love you, Mary, but I must get some other work done tonight before I get too sleepy.

Talk

Because it’s too easy to talk about how good you are
Then you are in an elevator with a transgender man
And refuse to speak because you don’t approve of how she
Chooses to live her life
Or call him she

So what about your religion if
You can not give your time to mentor
A child or take care of your grandmother
And listen to her stories
The ones she tells over and over

Your money is nothing if it only feeds
Your self
Your poetry is a nuisance if each stanza
Serves to make you seem bigger than you are
All of your stories about you
You
You
So what so much about you

What about the old man down the street with no food and two jobs
The girl around the corner with cancer and no hair no friend
The dog with three legs
The apartment with broken windows

So what about your self
For at least a moment of the day

NaNoWriMo - Day 27 - Dear Mary

It's 3:00pm and I'm at work right now. I took my client for a walk today and thought about you. I wondered what it would be like to go for a walk with you and enjoy nature together. Wondered if you would have preferred warm sunny days or slight cool days with gray skies. Maybe it wouldn't matter to you at all and you would have just loved being outside no matter the weather.

My client loves to touch the trees and smell the flowers. Isn't that wonderful? I love walking with her and watching her reach out to embrace as much nature as she can. There is lesson and love and God in that. So much God.

Today is my kind of day. Cool, gray, Christmasy. Today as we were walking we came upon an elderly woman who was washing her car window and we stopped to talk with her. She was a gentle, short, Mexican woman who spoke to us in her best English. She told us that she came home from church last week to find her car stolen from right in front of her home. "My son bought me this one and it is ok. But I like my car. My old car. But this one is ok too." We will always have to adjust to change, Mary. We get to choose how to react to it. We get to appreciate what we had and adjust to what takes its place. That's life. It's not good or bad. It just is.

Imagine how your parents (my grandparents) felt feeling you move around inside Grandmommy's belly for nine months and finally giving birth to you, holding and kissing and loving on you for three days and then to have to adjust to you no longer being there. Imagine that. They are strong people, to have to live with that and keep going. I never want to know that kind of loss. Life is something, Mary. Something.

NaNoWriMo - Day 26 - Dear Mary

It's 8:35pm and I am at work. It's been a long but easy day and I have about four more hours to go before work is complete for the day. But then is work ever complete? Mary last night was splendid! It was the two year anniversary of my show, Red Stories. We had a wonderful time celebrating. Tamara Blue was the feature for the evening but I had a few other guests perform to open the show. I felt so much love last night. So much. Roshann, Reuben, Therman and John were there last night. I loved having family in the audience, although I also consider many of my friends family.

It's the Christmas season now. People have their homes decorated with lights and trees and other ornaments. Although I'm not one to decorate with holiday decorations, I enjoy seeing them as I drive along the street.

Today was therapy day. I was very tired this morning and didn't really want to get out of bed, but I did go. As usual, I'm glad I did. I shared about some shifts in my life that I will not be specific about here but I am riding the waves of the shift.

I don't have much I choose to say right now and I have a writing project to work on with a deadline coming up soon. There is always something to do. Always.

I plan to celebrate your birthday this year, Mary. Has anyone ever celebrated your birthday since you left? You ever hear or feel people sing or cheer for you? Counts your years or the years you've been gone? How would you like me to celebrate you this year. November 30. Perhaps I will light a candle for you or buy a cake. Maybe gather with family or write a letter to you. I haven't decided yet, but something. I hope you will feel it. I surely do.

NaNoWriMo - Day 25 - Dear Mary

It's 7:14pm and I'm at Vibrations. It's the second anniversary of Red Stories tonight and I've been running all day and haven't stopped to write to you. I don't even have much time now. I am so thankful for all of the people here. The people, love, joy, words, all of it. We will talk later Mary. I will tell you all about it.

NaNoWriMo - Day 24 - Dear Mary

6:19pm and I am at home. I saw two friends today. They are sisters. I've known them since middle school and haven't seen one of them since high school the other I recently saw at my birthday party but before then, it was high school. It was so great catching up and meeting their lovely children and the husband of one of them. Time goes by so quickly. Do you feel that? Does time ever go by with you? How do you mark time? How does each day pass where you are? What is like the sun, the moon? I will always have questions.

I asked about another friend from high school they were closer to than I. Today I found out that she passed away last year. I was shocked. She was only 40 or 41. She had high blood pressure and they think she died of a heart attack. At 41? She was in a coma for six months and then eventually died. I was saddened by this news. She had three children, two of them teenagers and one girl around 5 or 6. Apparently she was living with a lot of stress. Stress is a killer, Mary. It's pressure and negative energy that we store and store and it becomes a part of us. It gets into our blood, our pores, our minds. There are so many triggers around us. I feel it too. I've learned to breathe. To consciously inhale and exhale. To purposely push it out as best as I can. I am no master though. I just do what I can.

The small amount of time we have on this planet is so precious and we don't know when it will end. Just something happens one day. Just our breathing gets short, hands get sweaty, chest starts tightening and then the time is over. Just over. Not over. But different. Forever. The older I get the more particular I am about my actions and words toward others. I know that my last words to someone are my last words to them, if and until I see them again. There are many areas in my life I need to grow and do much better. Every day though, I am doing what I can.

What were the last words you heard? At only three days did you even understand words? Did you understand love? Could you see love in Grandmommy's eyes? Who held you last that you remember? Did you have goodbye words of your own, in your own way?

This life is not for us to understand, I suppose. Just moments for us to experience and take in and do the best we can with. All of the life experiences I am so curious about, are they clear to you? Do you understand? Do you wish you could share your knowledge and wisdom with us and you can't? Are you waiting patiently for us to know too?

How is Lena, Mary? Is she where you are? My high school friend who passed on last year. She was so sweet and kind. I wish her peace now. I hope she is well and relaxed. That she is free and can see and feel and love her children.

It's all so much. Or maybe I make so much of it. Either way, here we are.

NaNoWroMo - Day 23 - Dear Mary

It's 11:24 and I'm home. Home sweet home. I spent the day with my wonderful son and family. One of the experiences I cherish the most is watching movies with my family. Your family, Mary. Do you get that these are your people too? These are your faces and voices and opinions too.

I wish I had something profound to share with you today. I don't. But I couldn't go to bed without writing to you. These days at home with the people I love the most have been blissful. I have so much to be thankful for. I know I do. I have things in my life I'm thankful for yes, but mostly it's the people who I call family and friends that have me glowing and mushy and cliche tonight.

Right now my mother, uncle, son, niece, nephew are sitting around watching a movie and laughing. I was there too but had to leave to shut my eyes for the night. These are the times I hope to always remember. These are the moments that feed me when I am starving for something to hold onto.

I wonder what would have made you laugh, dear aunt. What movie, joke, story would have made you cry, remember? If you were here, in the flesh, you would be seventy-five years old now. Seventy-five. Still young enough to tell stories about your yesterday. Old enough to see your children and grandchildren grown. I never thought about that before. I would have grown up with your grandchildren. What would they have been like? What about your children, my aunts and uncles? Do you think about these things? Are these human thoughts too beneath you now? Maybe you had children anyway. Perhaps there is a man who loves you and holds you now and children and grandchildren where you are. Perhaps. You are right, Mary. I don't have a clue.

Last night when Therman, my mother, Love and I were talking, Therman asked an interesting question. He asked if we thought your personality would have been more like Mildred's or Bobbie's. Either way would certainly have been a winner because both women are amazing. Both are creative and kind. Funny and gorgeous. Mildred is more the wife and mother. The nurturer with the quiet but rock strong spirit and the most sincere smile you have ever seen. Bobbie is an awesome woman too. She is bright colors and loud, free spirit. Fancy dresser and bold talker. Your sisters, Mary. Your sisters.

We talked about you. Played guessing games and what if and maybe maybe. I guess we will never know though. But you were there with us. There in our conversation. We love you. We do. In the best way we can. I hope you can feel it. There where you are.

NaNoWriMo - Day 22 - part 2 - Dear Mary

O Mary, it's 11:08pm and Love and I are just getting in from having Thanksgiving dinner with my family. I have so much to tell you. I know that I won't go into the story as deeply as I would like because I want to chill before going to bed. That and there are conversations I still need to process.

Here are some of the things I want to tell you though:

1. Therman told me that your birthday is November 30, 1937!
2. I was in Rustin, Louisiana with my grandmother for a reunion and I remember her taking us to visit a graveyard. Therman was there too and he told me tonight that your grave was one of the graves we visited! O my! I do recall being there but not going to your grave.
3. My grandmother, your mother was twenty years old when she had you. I always thought she was much younger.

We talked about you tonight, Mary. We did. Were you there with us? Could you feel us, hear us? What part of today was your favorite? The children are all getting so big aren't they? I am thankful for you. Thankful for your life. Thankful that you are a part of me.

More tomorrow but I wanted to get that out as soon as I could.

O Mary, I love Love. Can you tell? What do you think?

NaNoWriMo - Day 22 - Dear Mary

It's 1:27am and I got in from work about twenty minutes ago. It's been a long day. I have one more week of the long days and then my schedule will go back to normal. These days have been easy though. I'm just breathing now, Mary. Breathing. Unwinding from the day and appreciating the moment.

Tomorrow, today rather, is Thanksgiving day and I'm looking forward to being with my family. Laughing, talking and sharing stories. And taking pictures, lots of pictures.

I had a good conversation with Therman this evening. Thinking about it now. About growth and releasing drama and old stories. That's what family does. They help you see life in a perspective that sets you straight and able to walk further on your journey. That's what I appreciate about family.

Later on today we will share things and people we are thankful for. As for me, right now, I am thankful for my friends and family. For Uraeus. For Love. Usually around this time I say how fast the year has flown by but this year it doesn't feel like that. This year feels like it took a whole long year to get to this point. I am thankful I made it. I am thankful that I am mentally well and at peace. My body and spirit are well and I am happy. I am writing, painting, performing and working. I have food, shelter, clothes, a car and entertainment. I'm able to laugh and cry, run and play, read and rest. I have a wonderful and full life with room for more. I am thankful. I am greatly loved and appreciated. I have so many people I love and cherish. I am well. I have challenges and triggers and lessons still to learn and I am even thankful for those. I'm thankful for this moment. This moment with you, typing these words. Having these thoughts. Sharing memories and blessings. Sigh...thank You, Mother/Father God. Thank You.