New doctor

Oh yeah, I gotta remember to get a new psychiatrist tomorrow. If I don't I'm going to stop going to the facility all together. This doctor and I are not a fit. I've only seen him once and I don't need to see him or hear is stupid remarks again.

Gratitude

I'm thankful for this day. Thankful for waking up. For Uraeus and friends and family. I'm thankful for food and being with V today. Thankful for being back home. For feeling creative. For depression being away from me right now. I am thankful for art and creativity.

Playground Politics / Dressing alike by Jaha Zaianbu

If you have a little sister and your mom dress you in the same clothes like you are twins or something and does your hair the same too then that is not good because you will not look cute when your auntie takes a  picture of you and your sister because you will be frown and mad.

Fasting

I'm going on some kind of fast starting August 3 and ending on my birthday, September 3. Not a full on no food fast because I need food for my meds but a fast including a lot of water, the master cleanse, natural juices. I don't know, it will come to me. I am just feeling like I need to make a major change and a fast before my birthday sounds about right to me.

Home. Mother. Back on meds.

8:23pm. Los Angeles. I'm so happy to be back home. I love spending time with my mother at her house but I also really love coming home. I like my little apartment. Oh, I just remembered who else was released from jail on Orange is the New Black, it was...I just had her name. Her real name. I didn't know her name on the show. The transgender one. What is her name? Anyway, she was the third one released. I knew there were three.

So in other not tv news, I'm back on my meds. I prayed that they would take effect soon and that prayer was answered. These meds make me so sleepy. I've been knocked out all day. I took them last night and went to sleep almost as soon as I took them. I get dizzy on these meds in the beginning too. So I had a nice easy rest day. I thought I was going to have to go down to Long Beach today to take care of the ticket I got but the due date is not until tomorrow. That works out because I have to work in Long Beach tomorrow anyway. Good thing I didn't waste gas going down there today. I guess I'll go tomorrow about noon and then stay at my mom's house until time to go to work. My client lives right around the corner from her.

Now book news. I haven't been pushing my book 365.2013 like I should. I'm going to make a commitment to do something to forward the sales of that book every day. At some point in August I'm going to have another show for it but until then I'll be posting some of the poems on Facebook. While I would love to be the top seller on the press my goal now is to beat my sales from last quarter. That should be easy since they were so low. I aim to change that though. I wanna get this book pushing because Playground Politics is coming out in September and I'll be starting from scratch with that one. It will all work out. Watch it. Watch it all work out.

Law & Order

I love when I see episodes of my favorite shows. Law and Order is on and I am watching an episode that can't be new because it's on Netflix but I've never seen it.

Gratitude

I am thankful for this day. For waking up. For my son, family and friends. I am thankful for peace and ease. For love in my heart. I am thankful for food, for money, clothes and shelter. Thankful to have my meds. For a relaxing day. I am thankful for being thankful.

Bad tags

Oh shoot! I got a fix it ticket for not having my current tags. I was supposed to turn the paperwork in to Long Beach court by the 29th. That's today. I'll go tomorrow. I hope it's not too late. I don't know why I didn't take care of this before. I've had my tags for over a month. Tomorrow shouldn't be too late. Just gotta show the registration and pay $25. Seems like I have to spend money every day. I'm thankful to have it though.

Playground Politics / Going to church by Jaha Zainabu

If you tell your mother that your stomach hurts on Saturday night then you still have to go to church on Sunday morning and you still can not go to sleep in church even if the old peoples choir is not good and the preacher is taking too long.

Orange is the New Black. Tired. Long Beach.

Orange is the New Black was mad good! Spoiler alert!!! Piper gets an early release out of jail! Yep. Also that one Mexican woman who was trying to get pregnant by putting her boyfriend's condom into her vagina, she got out and I think there was one other person. Tastyee was found guilty of killing the prison guard. She didn't do it though. So if there is a next season it will probably be focused on freeing Tastyee. We'll see.

Also, I'm super exhausted today. After my reading last night I went to Ieshya's birthday event at the cigar lounge on LaBrea. It was really cool. I'm glad I was able to go by and support her. I came back to Long Beach and was wiped out. All day. I was going to go to the summer concert on Central Ave. with Lonnie but I just couldn't/wouldn't pull myself off this couch. Maybe next year.

Uraeus and I are still in Long Beach. Roshann and her family don't get here until 10 and Reuben is here now with my mother. We will probably leave soon.

Orange

Remember when I said this season of Orange is the New Black was corny? Well I changed my mind, shit's good.

Orange

Ok, this is gross. I'm watching Orange is the New Black. This is the newest season I don't remember what episode. Anyway one of the women wants to have her boyfriend's baby so she asked him to jack off in the guest bathroom in the lobby into a condom. He did. She told him where to leave it. Now she was cool with the woman who cleans the bathrooms and told her where he left it. Of course. The condom and sperm got to the woman and she's all lying on the ground in the library while the other woman is inserting it in her. Just pretend you understood all that.

Love

"Where have you been all my write?" Ieshya Parker

Sis

Charlene if you're reading this I appreciate you coming out last night. It's always good seeing you. Love you, sis.

Playground Politics. Cigar Lounge. Poetry family.

1:03am. Long Beach. I'm just getting to my mom's place. I had a good night last night. I read Playground Politics at Irie Vibes in LA at Tuesday's new spot. It was really cool. It was more than that for me. I'm so honored that folks showed up and participated. After that some of us went to the Cigar Lounge on LaBrea for Iyesha's birthday celebration. A lovely time was had. Was good to see Dietra and George, Kookie and Artus and others. Jessica rode with me.

Poussay

The new season for Orange is the new Black came on last night. I watched some of it. I think Poussay left at the right time because I don't think the show is ever going to be as good as it was. They all left the last prison because of a riot and it was destroyed so they moved to another facility. Now they have all these new characters and new back stories and new guards. Eh, it's ok. I don't know if I'll finish it.

Irie Vibes

1:39pm. Long Beach. Tonight is my reading at Irie Vibes in Los Angeles. I'm expecting to have a good time. Send prayers. I'm reading from Playground Politics and there will be a talk back session after.

Go me

I went back on my meds last night. Happy about that.

The Handmaid's Tale

I finished The Handmaid's Tale today. It was deeply disturbing but I enjoyed every single episode. I need to take a break from binge watching shows. It's so addicting and takes so much time.

Rollin'

3:52pm. Long Beach. I got a new battery today so I'm back rollin'! And it was free because my last one was still on warranty. That's what's up! For some reason, though the battery light in my car is still on. I don't know what that means but at least I know the battery is new. Now to get new brakes.

Raid

The ants have taken over! No, this is not about the movie! This summer they are in every room in my mom's house. Crawling all over me! Yuck! I have the heebeegeebees!!!!

Binge watching

11:57am. I rested well. Back up watching The Handmaid's Tale. This show is crazy disturbing. And I can't stop watching. I'm on season 2. I want to finish it before I go to work today. My goodness, that one scene when the woman was handcuffed to the stove (or whatever that was) and had her hand burned... o my.

Say her name

Nia Wilson 18 years old. Killed on a BART in the Bay by a white man. According to his family he is mentally ill. Isn't that always the story though? It's pretty fucked up. He cut her and her sister. The sister is still alive but Nia is dead. Dead. Say dead three times fast. I dare you. I'm so sick of us dying at their hands. I bet they won't even call it a hate crime because he is mentally ill. I'm mentally ill too. What happens if I kill a white woman on a train? It's too easy. They would take my black ass to jail and throw away the key if I even make it to jail. This world...Fuck.

Cousin

Deon, I miss you, cousin. I hope you're safe. I love you dearly. Let's talk some time today. You are in my prayers.

Denny's. Uraeus. Proud mother.

My mom and Uraeus picked me up from work last night. I got off at 11 so "last night" sounds so far when really it was only a few hours ago. Anyway when they picked me up we went to Denny's to eat. There was this moment when I looked at Uraeus without him knowing I was looking at him. At least I don't think he noticed. He's so handsome! He really is. He's smart and creative and I'm so proud to know him. I'm so honored he chose me to be his mother.

Netflix and chill

Holy shit, Luke is alive! Wait...what happened to Pussay's character? I know her name is not Pussay on this show but she will forever be Pussay to me. I'm still in the first season where June finally told the Mexican leader (a woman) the truth. That they are prisoners and that it's not all good and no fucking way did she choose to be a handmaid. Duh, bitch did you really think she chose that? Syreta Wiley, that's Pussay's real name. I forgot her character's name on this show. Where is she though? Why wasn't she at the party? Did I miss something? I'm totally sucked in.

Hulu

One of the things about The Handmaid's Tale that is so triggering is that it reminds me that women have always and will probably always be treated like shit. Will this fight ever end? This shit's hella triggering but the writing is so good. I love the characters. I'm not sure this is the best series to watch after watching 13 Reasons Why but whatever. I'm a sucker for a good series. Watch if you can. It's on Hulu.

Episode 5. Hooked. Clients.

I started watching The Handmaid's Tale yesterday. It's so good. I'm only on episode five and I'm already hooked. I'll probably be up all night watching and a bit tomorrow too. Gotta figure some things out though. If my client dies that will be two clients I lost around the same time and I really can't afford that. That's one of the down sides to this job. There's some good freedom but the nature of the business is that the clients leave. One way or another.

Last days. Bible. Ninety.

12:42am. Long Beach. I had a pretty good shift with my client. I think she's in her last days. Bless her heart. We did fun (to her) things like read the Bible. And by we I mean I read aloud. A lot, a whole lotta scriptures. It was cool though. If I live to be ninety years old I do hope my mind is as sharp. I'm scheduled to see her again tonight and hopefully we will have another good night. I need it.

Uraeus

I don't think Uraeus will ever know how much his surprise hugs mean to me.

Long Beach. Meds. Close.

It's 3:56pm and I am at my mom's place in Long Beach. I got my meds and I'm super happy about that. I hope they take effect soon. I have to work again tonight. I hope it goes well. Each day is harder and harder with her. I think it's close to the end.

Prayer

1:00am and I am in Long Beach. I made it through another work shift. It took a lot of prayer.

Long Beach. Going in. Beautiful.

It's 1:52pm and I am in Long Beach still at my mom's place. As much as I wanted to call in this week from my client, I'm going in. This new car battery is not going to pay for itself. I'm praying for an easy shift wit her though. In other news it's a beautiful day. It's hot. But beautiful.

Trying

Bi, I know how useless hate is. I know that we are all human. I'm trying, ok.

Over it

I'm not interested in what men want anymore. I spent too much time on that. I'm interested in what I want. What makes me happy. I'm interested in living. I'm interested in wanting to want to live.

No sleep

It's early now, 4:38am. I'm still up. May as well stay up and get some good pictures of the sun and sky soon.

Squeak

Oh yeah, and I need new brakes for my car too. A battery and brakes, like the main things a car needs. Mkay. So there's that.

Thanks

There were good ones though. Thank you In for being good. Like really, really good and someone I could talk to. Could be with and share anything with. You were/are a dear friend.

One of the reasons

Me: I can't. I have a headache right now.
You: I don't wanna fuck your head.

Remember that, Bi?

A healthy mother

There are days when like I'm strong enough to see myself in the future. I wanna be here, mostly for Uraeus. He deserves his mother. He deserves a healthy mother. And that's what I want for him. A healthy mother. But there are days, there are moments, there are times when it is just tough. When I feel hopeless. When I feel worthless. I'm hanging on though. I am. I'm gon be here. Watch me. Watch me survive.

Abuse

Kh, when you punched the hole in our bedroom wall I should have let you live with it. See the fucking shit for what it was. Your destruction. But I fucking protected you. It's what I did. I cleaned up the mess and put a red, black and green flag over it so we wouldn't have to see it. I swept your shit under the rug like it was nothing. It wasn't nothing. Your abuse wasn't nothing. It was something.

Picker

I never really knew how to pick men. I chose them from my fears and insecurities. I went for safe guys. Guys who wouldn't rape me. That's what I thought was most important. I thought physical abuse was more than mental abuse. I thought I could brush away mental abuse. I didn't think it was that big a deal. It was though. It was a big deal. My picker is fucked up.

Me

I'm not blameless. I've been on the wrong side of right as well. Done awful things and been hurtful. Had an affair that I knew was wrong. I wasn't in a relationship but he was. I cared about them but put my feelings and insecurities above that. Above them.

Preacher man

Rev. Hu., I was a girl, you were a grown ass man, preacher. Kissing me like that. All the fucking time. Your tongue deep in my mouth. When I extended my cheek you used to turn my face to you with your index finder and thumb. I was afraid of you. I respected you at the same time. I didn't know who to go to. You were a perv. I wasn't the only one. There were others before me. There were probably others after. Asshole. You were supposed to be someone I could trust. You weren't though. You abused that.

Layers

I know how important forgiveness is. I do. I know forgiveness is for me, not the other person. Forgiveness for me though is not a one and done thing though. It's an onion. There are layers to this. So many layers. This is part of my work. Part of how I let go. I don't even know why certain stories and conversations even still exist.

I remember

Bi, I know you read my journals when I was away in New York. You brought up something I never ever talked to you about. Only my journals. Was that your way of telling me you went through my shit? What is it with men and my journals? Turns out you weren't the only one. You never hit me but you were abusive as fuck. I took it though. I don't know why. I did though.

Baggage

No name, you were a teenaged boy. You were like 17 years old. I was fucking 4. 4 years old forced to suck your pitiful ass dick. Remember me?

Date rape

I don't even remember your name. But we had mutual friends. You called me. I went to your place. I was 22. How old were you? 23? 24? Something like that. You fucking raped me that night. I told my best friend at the time and she wanted me to go to the police but me, fucking me. I thought it would just go away. Just go away like a cold. I still remember that night. How you dared me to tell. Why didn't I tell? What the fuck? Why did I protect you? Maybe I was protecting me. From what though? It wasn't my fault. It was yours. Then I saw you at a Poly football game after that. I sat with our friends then you sat behind me. You fucking leaned into me and asked "what, you fuck me then you don't call me anymore?" I fuck you? I didn't fuck you! You raped me and I was afraid of you and I was afraid of anyone knowing about it. Fuck! Do you even remember that?

Oops

The way these white kids in this show cuss at their parents is...some white shit.

Netflix

This series is triggering me. Bringing up all kinds of shit that I sat on for years. Am sitting on. Holding in. What if I let it out, a little at a time? That's how it comes to me, just a little at a time. I don't want it anymore. I don't want to take it with me.

Time

Win, you were awesome! I miss you. What happened to you? I was too much for you. Too much of something. But you were great. I'm sorry about the time I left you at the Kenneth Hahn Park. In my defense though, you shouldn't have dared me. I know that wasn't much of an apology. I did pick you up though. I was a jerk. I hope you're well.

Riddance

Bi, that night in your car in Leimert Park when we were talking and opening up to each other. I felt safe. At first. Safe enough to tell you about an experience with sexual abuse when I was a girl. What you said to me though, that it wasn't true. It wasn't true, that's what you told me. Why did I ever talk to you again. Stop wondering why I don't want to talk to you when I see you.

Gone

Kh, the hole you punched in our bedroom wall while we were arguing, was that what you really wanted to do to me? Are you still punching holes in walls? Punching people now? Remember you expected me to call the landlord to get it fixed. What was I thinking? Why didn't I love myself more?

Healing

Bi, the way you used to undress me while I was asleep to have sex was abuse that still gets to me. All these years later.

Homo hatred

The homosexual memes of 45 and Putin are so disrespectful to homosexuals. So because they are both jerks they have to be gay? People are horrible people.

Rush

Dw, thank you for being a great friend. A priceless friend. You made me laugh. I loved the time we spent together. It wasn't time for me to be in a relationship though and I felt like that's what you wanted. Thank you though. For being so great. I know that emotionally I was a handful. I know it. I'm still figuring out my own spins. I'm a lot for me sometimes.

There were times when we would talk when I would get really down and you would end the conversations with "Well, you sound good." I never liked that. Of course I sounded good. I sound good. I present well. I wasn't good though. I didn't know how to show you the trouble I was in. I know you didn't mean it the way I took it. It was me. Not you. Not even me really, just life. You know.

Layers. Still.

Hey Bi. You're a fucking joke. I hate you. Still. After all this time. I can't stand running into you. I hate that old conversations we had pop up in my mind. Remember the time we were living together and you told me that my cramps during my period weren't that bad but I just had a low tolerance to pain? You're an asshole. Fucking man telling me about the pain during my period. I have very few good memories of you.

Because reasons.

I called a suicide hotline a couple weeks ago. Well I didn't call, I texted. Thank God for the texting option. Anyway, it was a joke. The guy told me that I was strong and that I would make it. You don't fucking know me Frankie if that's even your real name.

Help

My fucking car battery died. I had to call AAA. The shit's just dead. He started it up for me but told me to get where I was going and leave it there. Gotta get a new one. Do I have time for this? Is a battery in the budget? No. Shit no.

Tread lightly

Hello everyone, welcome. This is where I exorcise my demons. My bad stories. My good ones. My dreams. My reoccurring thoughts. About life, men, relationships, sex, motherhood, fathood, beauty... Hope you enjoy.

Lines

Haaaa! In 13 Reasons Why one of the characters said "I have substitute teacher arms." That is hilarious. I feel her pain though. So do I.

The African

I was just thinking about the time I had a date with this African guy. He was a friend of one of my coworkers. We were talking and I don't remember how we got on this conversation but we started talking about date rape. Yeah, why not? That's what you talk about on dates right? Anyway he said that in his country (I forgot where he was from) there was no such thing as date rape. He said that men pursued women and women were expected to resist for a little while. They were supposed to say no at first and act like they didn't want it. The men were supposed to keep pushing. Dude, shut the fuck up. But he didn't shut the fuck up. He kept going. On and on about the sex roles of men and women at the beginning of a sexual relationship. Needless to say we didn't get anywhere. Hopefully he's learned some truth.

Long Beach. Mom. Netflix.

It's 7:03pm and I am in Long Beach at my family's place. My sister's family is out of town so I'm staying with my mom to keep her company. Right now I'm watching 13 Reasons Why. It's a Netflix series. Pretty dark. About suicide. High school students. It's good. In one of the shows someone started this list. The list! Best ass. Best lips... You know, the list. It's super weird how far apart boys and girls, men and women are sometimes. The girl in the show who killed herself was on the list. Best ass. She didn't like it and while that's not the reason she killed herself, that was part of it. The girl's mother found the list in her bedroom after Hannah (the girl) died. When the mother showed it to her husband the mother was all, she's being bullied... and the father was like no, it's a compliment. No dude, it's not a compliment. Like when men think it's a compliment when they catcall women. Nope again. And yes, it's a big deal.

Playground Politics / Going to the store by Jaha Zainabu

If your auntie ask you if you want to go to the store then you should go because she probably will buy you something. But if you go with your grandmother then she probably will not buy you something because she thinks it cost too much even when it's on sale. If you go to the store with your grandfather he for sure will not buy you something because he only wants cigerattes and that's all.

Home. Good day. Snapping fear.

Hello loves. It's 8:18pm and I am at home. Thankfully at home. Had some running around to do today but I'm so glad to be home now. Today was not a good day emotionally for me. I keep going through extreme emotional experiences. From one to the far opposite. Yesterday I was extremely up and creative and today I barely have enough energy to do anything. I still don't have my meds. Soon come though. Soon come.

I need to take off next week from one of my clients. I'm afraid of snapping at her. I don't want that but it's not good for me to be there until I get back on my meds and am in a better space. I need the money though but... Money will come. It just does. What's most important is that I'm not out in these streets looking and acting all the way crazy going off on folks.

I have a reading next Saturday at Irie Vibes for my book Playground Politics. I'm looking forward to it. I've gotten really good responses from it on Facebook. The book doesn't actually come out until September but I'm starting the readings now. Why not? There is so much good conversation about it now, just gonna go for it. Also I need to order some of my books to sell. The book from World Stage Press called 365.2013 A Poem a day series. I'll sell that at the reading on Saturday.

I hope you are well and taking care of yourselves.

Big hugs.