A poem a day for 2013 - day 226 - Hallowed be thy name

Free writing is prayer and poetry is spirit
It is space with ears ready to listen
It is wrinkled reaching fingers daring me to love
Anyway always because
It is everywhere and forgiving
It whispers and reminds

Poetry is vault that will hold my secrets safe
Until I am ready to unshatter the slavery of my remembering
I can say anything
Do you have a friend like that

My grandmother used to end her prayers in the sweet name of Jesus
To ensure they broke the clouds
I understand
Why waste blood words of whispered chatter
Only for God to turn a deaf ear
We feed the mouth of our devotion with practice
I get it
Poetry will hear me if I end my stanza in the name of Alice Walker
And so will God
I know

Goddess bless
Goddess forgive
Goddess keep me near the cross
Forever connected to knowing Your will
To speaking Your love
Father correct me
Father save my life
Mother rub my head and strenthen my feet
How You wipe 'way my tears and curl my mouth into smile
You happy my heart and pretty my face

O Mother/Father thank You for words
To shapeshift into prayer
Thank You for thump
For pound inside my heart
Turn these verbs into vapors
Sprayed 'cross my bed
So I sleep
So I dream
So I write
So I alive like You created me to

At 7th and Fig

A poem a day for 2013 - day 225 - Forward

I took the sweetest walk today
I am a poet
It was not the sweetest
Though it was sweet and a walk
I felt joy
Or some kind of happiness
Feeling my legs move
Stretch out one in front of the other
The air feather easily down my lungs
My eyes my fingers my whole body
Keenly aware of my surroundings
The children on the schoolyard
The old Mexican woman on the bus stop selling food
I wish I could remember what it was
I should take a Spanish class again
I did pretty well in my classes so many years ago
Learning vowels and requests like
Time and food
Donde esta la biblioteca
Ella es mi hermana
A dog passed me today
I kept walking
I felt some kind of love for the dog
That is odd isn't it
Some kind of love
I have always been so afraid of dogs
All dogs
Size and bark never did matter
Today I was not afraid
I kept walking
I kept hearing sounds and smelling morning air and food
I kept adjusting my shoulder bag
From one arm to the next
I like my things with me
In case I choose to read while I am out
Perhaps take a picture of something peculiar
Write a note
Gloss my lips
Send a text
I don't know
Some poems about nothing
Are the sweetest poems I have

A poem a day for 2013 - day 224 - poem 2 - Sister. Friend. Space.

I can love
I can see you as the human being you are
With lessons to learn
With love to give
Yourself
I can forgive
I can know that you have no access to be another
Way
My heart can stretch out to you
Those windows tinted
Dark as they are
Your world is the box you built
With the locks you bought
I can care
I can reach
I can see
Possible

A poem a day for 2013 - day 224 - Time change

I am spending this week being as quiet as I can
Writing out old stories that no longer serve me
Stories that never did
I am spending this week loving myself
Spending time forgiving
Forgiving myself and others
I am the victim of nothing
I am spending this week being in love with myself
I am spending this week letting go
Being happy
I am spending this week changing my mind

Gratitude

I am thankful for being home

A poem a day for 2013 - day 223 - Mental health day

Because taking care of myself
Is the full time job I have
For my son
For the sun
And all the moons I have left

In the back

5:00pm

Every woman has her thing. And if you are a woman and you don't have a thing, get one. Mine is blogging. It eases me. It gives me something to do with my hands. My somewhat nervous hands.

My blood pressure is usually alarmingly low. So low that at my last visit to the dentist she wouldn't put me to sleep because my pressure was so low and didn't want to risk it. That's what she said, risk it. Is that ok to say in front of the patient? Today it was not high, but higher than usual. So it was good. That's good.

I ramble. I word on and on when I am waiting. I write. I write words and lists and phrases. When I am waiting. When I am somewhat nervous about waiting. Nervous about whatever.

It's my blog I can write what I want. I'm so glad my family doesn't read my blog. Well, some but not the ones who would have something to say about me posting the personal things I post.

"Love me or leave me alone." Who sang that?

Back again

My mental ups and downs lately, the heights and depths and frequency, have me on enough alarm that I am in the waiting room at Hospital again. I told myself two years ago that I would never be back. I also told myself that I didn't need the medication. So I tossed the pills into the ocean or left them at an airport or something. But right now I do. I need something to even out the wires in my head. So I'm in the waiting room. I'm a bit paranoid. Afraid of being "taken." I'm even enough today. I present well enough in general. I need something to help me sleep. I rarely sleep. Lately, I have been sleeping even less than rarely.

The volunteer just told me that they were going to be calling me soon. It's 4:32pm. Lets see how soon  soon actually is, though I'm in no hurry. I am thankful for iPads and free wifi. And volunteers who come out to give advance notices.

4:36pm. Calling me now.

It's official

www.so-i-blog.blogspot is my new blog obsession. These photos actually make me ooooooohhhhhh out loud.

A poem a day for 2013 - day 222 - Pause

When all this stops
We can play then
Sing songs on the radio
We can dance all night long

I'm too afraid now
All the stuff going on
Noise in my head

I need more time
For the roller coaster to slow
For sleep to catch up
For ease to be easy

A poem a day for 2013 - day 221 - Awake

Yesterday was the worst and the best

It was sinking and brain crashing

It happens 

It seems to be the cycle of my regular

Sky ups and I am wide arms and fingers spread

I am love and every way of happy

I was not every way of happy yesterday

I was afraid

I was tears

I was not this again

Paranoid 

Lost

I was heart crumble and fire

Spin

Drown

I am tired 

Of that kind of way

Of those kind of days

I am thankful still 

For yesterday

For the best

For a long drive with my son

For the laughter he brings to me

For honest chatter

For talks about the whatever

For the 11pm stop at the local taco truck

For the absolute best chicken quesadillas and cinnamon horchatas ever

For the easy that finally landed

I was one of those women

You know

Who could do it on her own

Without the meds who could bypass the downs

I am not one of those women

Not now

I am thankful for clear days like today

Yesterday was not today

I get afraid sometimes

That I will get stuck in one of those downs

My son deserves his mother

I have work to do

Here

On this planet now

I am thankful 

For friends I can call

Who listen and know

Who care and hold space for me

How ever I am