4:10am
I'm in the Blue Room at Mr. Milk's house. The Blue Room is what he calls the guest room in his home. It's called the Blue Room for the obvious reason, it's painted all blue. Blue Chinese knick knacks, blue rugs, blue bed linen, blue most everything.
I'm scheduled to get off at 7 this morning but with this agency who knows.
Yesterday was a long day. Not hard, but long. Mr. Milk requires a lot of attention. Not for his personal needs like going to the restroom and brushing his teeth or feeding or anything like that. He can do all of those things on his own. Which, at ninety-five, is more than awesome. And he still has his own teeth. At ninety-five. But the attention he requires is my FULL attention. He likes to sit in a very, very small room just off the kitchen, a room not much bigger than a walk in closet. It's big enough for one and a half card tables and two chairs. That's the room he calls the Bird Room because he has large framed pitures of birds all on the walls. And when I say all on the walls I mean I dare you to tell me what color the walls are. He also has a bird clock in there with twelve different birds and every hour on the hour a different bird chirps. So, for one o'clock a mockingbird, two o'clock a robin and so on.
He likes to sit in that room from the time he gets up at about 8:30am and talk until the time he goes to bed at 10:30 or 11 that night.
I remembered from the last time I was here he talked a lot and for the two hours I was here that day he, the caregiver who trained me, and I sat there in the room and talked. Well, he and I sat there. She was gracious enough to stand the whole time as three of us could not easily fit into that small space.
I have about three hundred photos that I put into a bag and brought them with me. I knew he would be interested in seeing them and I figured I could stretch the time by showing him some. He looked at each one and I told him the story and location of practically every one.
He wants the entire time filled with conversation. No really, the entire time! At one point I needed a five minute break and so I started emptying my phone of unwanted messages. It was a perfect time, I thought. I mean, we had gone almost seven hours straight talking about...whatever. Finally there was a five second break and so I seized the moment.
M: Are you looking for gold?
Me: Oh, no. Just deleting some messages.
I felt him still looking at me and took that as my cue to continue the conversation. About whatever.
Even when he had his meals he wanted me to be right there. For lunch I stepped into the, I don't know what he calls it, but let's say the TV room, which is right in front of the Bird Room. In fact, you have to walk through the TV room to get to the Bird Room. Only a doorway with no door separates the rooms. Anyway, I stepped in the TV room while he ate his lunch and after three short sips of his soup he was finished with lunch.
M: I'm finished.
Me: You didn't like it?
M: I don't like to eat alone. I don't like to be alone at all.
So at that point I was regretting every time I felt like Clara was getting on my nerves. At least she could reliably take a nap or two during the day. At least she wanted time alone as she read every word of the newspaper. What old person doesn't take naps? I take them.
I knew the day wasn't going to change. He wasn't going to change. I had to. So I got in his world as best as I could. Wondered what it was to be him. At ninety-five. Alone. In this big ole house with rooms that had names and choosing the smallest one with the best light that looked out onto the yard so that I could see the dog when she was out there and count the blue jays as they flew by and the squirrels the dog chased.
Mr. Milk taught college theatre. Seemed to be very well known and there are books around the house where people praised and mentioned him. Then I wondered what that was like. To have out lived all or most collegues. To have achieved so much before the success of Google and Facebook. To not have the luxury of going online to see what the world is up to. The world not being alble to go online and read your blog, your posts, your musings about being a home health aide.
I Googled him. On my phone, read as much as I could out loud about him. He loved it. I just wanted him to know that someone cared. That someone right in his face cared, and would remember and would be impressed. We are human beings. We like to impress.
He showed me a book by a famous actor who dedicated the first part of the his book to talking about him and how he had changed his (the actor's) life.
I read the part about him. I laughed out loud at the funny parts and said "awwwww" at the touching parts and smiled when I saw his name in print. I let him know I was impressed. What did it cost me to do that? Nothing really. What did he gain? Himself, his pride, his floss, his smile.
"Gettin' old aint for sissies." I will never forget that quote from Mr. Minute.
I let myself really get present to how I would feel if there was no one around who cared that I was a poet, a painter, a mother, a sister, a photographer, a friend, an enemy, a lover, a reader, a blogger, a good housekeeper, a human being.
We want to be so spiritual as to beleive that no part of us is tethered to our identies but we are. We care about who we were.
At 9:00pm as I predicted, he started crying and got sad.
Me: What's wrong?
M: I'm sad.
I knew it was because he didn't want me to go to bed.
Me: Why?
M: Because getting old is hard.
I didn't say anything. Who was I to say anything to that? I don't know. He didn't want my two positive young cents on getting old and why it was such a blessing and blah blah full life blah. He wanted to tell me his opinion. So I listened.
M: I spent so much of my life struggling. I struggled a long time. But I made it. I found a way to get through it.
I worked in a grocery store for twenty-five cents an hour. The mom and pop who owned the store would let me open one can of whatever I wanted in the whole store for lunch and so I tasted all kinds of different food. Because I wanted to know. I worked all day and then got two dollars. I kept working too. I worked hard. I'm a doctor you know.
Me: (I assumed he was but didn't know for sure.) Wow. (And that was a real wow. A "no, I didn't know that. Thank you for sharing yourself and with me" wow.)
M: I didn't have money. Now I do. But what is there to spend it on? Why couldn't I have had money when I was young? Why couldn't I have had money while I was struggling?
I raised my niece you know.
Me: No.
M: Yes I did. She pays for your services. She lives in Portland. She's frugal, but that's ok. She doesn't know that my wife and I sacrificed to send her to school and put her all the way through school and buy her things. And now that the shoe is on the other foot, well... But it's ok. It is. It's ok.
I spent so much time collecting things. All these things.
(And he does have a lot of things. His home is like a museum.)
And now what do I do with all of my stuff? I had so much joy collecting this stuff. The school will have my house to sell and give scholarships.
Me: Really?
M: Yes. They can give many scholorships with money from my house.
Me: That's so cool.
Yesterday morning when Mr. Milk got up he called me in his room to hand him a box from the dresser. There were several boxes on dresser and I handed him the wrong one, twice. Finally I got it right and then walked out. As I left I heard him call me an idiot. Harshly too, like he didn't care if I heard him because what would an idiot know about being called an idiot?
But last night. In the Bird Room. From 8:30-10:30. I wasn't an idiot anymore. I was the only person in his world. Until the next caregiver came.
I look at the irionies in the home health care world. We take care of people who, when they were our ages were probably people who wouldn't have cared about us. Black, Mexican, poor (espeically to them). And now we are the only people they have around to talk to. The only people who will take care of them.
And I look at us. The caregivers who sometimes speak badly to the clients and in some cases abuse them. As if we are better than they are when we are the ones who predictably will not be able to afford the services of the company we work for if we should live a life as long as they. Who will be there for us?
Too often we don't look up until it is too late. When will we see that what we do to and for each other we are doing to and for ourselves?
Black ass poems. Black ass stories. Black ass art. Black ass life. Black ass love. Black ass hate. Black ass parenting. Black ass depression. Black ass mania. And other stuff too.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Tuesday morning prayer
6:47am
Thank You, God for waking me up this day. I am so richly blessed. With Your love and kindness. Your friendship and forgiveness. I am blessed in ways I don't even know. Thank You, Mother, Father for living and breathing in me.
Please keep my mind and body healthy. Please keep me sane and loving and peaceful. Especially during this season of home health. It is a struggle for me sometimes to remain at peace in the face of the work I am hired to do.
It is a blessing, I know, to see and know first hand what the elderly in our communities experience on a daily basis. And the elderly that I deal with are only those who can afford the services of a home health aide. There are so many who can't. Please bless them. Please bless the families who are trying to take care of the older ones who don't have the knowledge and skills. Please bless me to do what I can do to share what I have learned and have been blessed with to help others.
"Gettin' old aint for sissies." That's what Mr. M. told me yesterday. Please bless him and his wife. Please give them comfort and peace in their minds and rest in their bodies.
Please bless the elderly throughout the world. Those who feel trapped in the forgetfullness of their own minds, the aches and pains of their bodies, the coldness of their thinning skin.
Thank You for being everything we need. Protector, Friend, Guide, Doctor, Father, Brother, Mother, Sister, Secret Keeper. Merciful Miracle Maker, who You are for us is endless. Thank You.
Thank You for my son, Uraeus. I thank You because I know that there is nowhere he can be that You are not. I thank You because You know all of his thoughts and deeds. I thank You because You are always with him, leading him and guiding him.
Thank You for all of who You are.
And so it is.
Thank You, God for waking me up this day. I am so richly blessed. With Your love and kindness. Your friendship and forgiveness. I am blessed in ways I don't even know. Thank You, Mother, Father for living and breathing in me.
Please keep my mind and body healthy. Please keep me sane and loving and peaceful. Especially during this season of home health. It is a struggle for me sometimes to remain at peace in the face of the work I am hired to do.
It is a blessing, I know, to see and know first hand what the elderly in our communities experience on a daily basis. And the elderly that I deal with are only those who can afford the services of a home health aide. There are so many who can't. Please bless them. Please bless the families who are trying to take care of the older ones who don't have the knowledge and skills. Please bless me to do what I can do to share what I have learned and have been blessed with to help others.
"Gettin' old aint for sissies." That's what Mr. M. told me yesterday. Please bless him and his wife. Please give them comfort and peace in their minds and rest in their bodies.
Please bless the elderly throughout the world. Those who feel trapped in the forgetfullness of their own minds, the aches and pains of their bodies, the coldness of their thinning skin.
Thank You for being everything we need. Protector, Friend, Guide, Doctor, Father, Brother, Mother, Sister, Secret Keeper. Merciful Miracle Maker, who You are for us is endless. Thank You.
Thank You for my son, Uraeus. I thank You because I know that there is nowhere he can be that You are not. I thank You because You know all of his thoughts and deeds. I thank You because You are always with him, leading him and guiding him.
Thank You for all of who You are.
And so it is.
Monday at the Minutes (from journal entry 8-29-11)
8:16am
This morning I'm at the Minutes residence. A couple. He has Altzheimers and I think she does too. I never got a report on them. He's awake and very talkative. Linda, the night shift worker said that she (the wife) doesn't talk much. For some reason I thought they were both in wheelchairs and both needed personal care. As it turns out they dress themselves and take care of all of their personal needs. Thank You! And I thought they were in Pamona. They aren't. Just in Temple City, not far from Pasadena. Thank You! Thank You! I haven't had a case where I didn't have to strain my back every five minutes. This will be a welcome change from Clara.
Actually I did go to Clara's house this morning because that's what my schedule said when I checked it on Thursday when it came out. Since then there were changes made and no one told me. But anyway. I'm here now.
Chad is sitting on the couch watching Scooby Doo and I hear his wife getting up now. What a great feeling not being with Clara today. I needed a break.
Chad is very concerned about money. Linda told me that about him. He has asked me seven times in the last twenty minutes if he had to pay me out of pocket or if my services were covered by his insurance.
Me: Yes, one hundred percent from your insurance.
C: Well, that's great 'cause otherwise I couldn't afford it.
They are the cutest couple. Nina, his wife is up now.
C: Here, honey, you sit on this couch so you can stretch your legs and be by the fan.
And she sat. Stretched her legs as the wind from the fan slightly blew her shoulder length gray hair.
Me: Do you want breakfast?
C: Just tea for now.
As I prepared the water for tea I took time to appreciate this moment. I'm sitting at their table writing as they are watching Scooby Doo. I can do this.
8:39am
Uraeus was with his friends on Friday night so I didn't pick him up and I had a therapy session at 11am on Saturday and Red Stories that night and had to be at work at 7 the next morning so couldn't get there on Sat or Sun. On Friday I bought some more school clothes for him so I went up to Bakersfield last night after work and gave them to him.
I was going to drive alone but my mom said she wanted to go. She drove and we had a nice drive and listened to the audio version of the book THE HELP. Very entertaining. I was glad she did drive because I was tired on the way a back. I had spent twelve hours with Clara and still had to be at work this morning at 7. My mom didn't work yesterday. Thankfully she's enjoying herself and is not at the police station anymore.
C: Now, this is all covered by my insurance right?
Me: Yes, all of it.
C: Oh good.
Nina went back to bed and he went to check on her.
C: Honey, would you come and watch TV with me? I would love it.
As she got up he held her and kissed her face. She hugged him back and let her head fall on his shoulder for a moment.
And now they are in the living room. Drinking tea. Watching TV.
Oh, by the way, Uraeus liked the clothes. Except the army fatigue pants. He didn't like those. That's cool. I'll give them to Lynette's son.
9:13am
C: So, you're all paid for by the insurance right?
Me: Yes, I am.
9:26am
Their breakfast has been sitting on the table since 9:15 but she won't eat until he comes out of the bathroom and sits to eat with her.
9:54am
They have finished eating and she went back to bed.
I'm so sleepy. I would love to go to bed. I'm looking forward to that when I get home.
C: Are you all paid for with insurance?
Me: Yes, I am.
I wonder what would happen if I said "No, your insurance doesn't cover me. So far you owe me $200 and by 7pm when I leave you will owe me $1,000."
He is playing a tape of the history of the Red Car. That was the public transportation system in California.
10:44am
Glenda, my supervisor just called and said that they have a "situation" and they need me to go to the Milk residence and do a live in until Wednesday. Don't know what happened but it sounds like Mr. Milk got on someone's nerves and they walked out. Which I can easily see happening. What is crazy though is that I probably won't even be updated on what happened. I'll just walk into the aftermath I guess.
10:59am
Katy just called me! She's a good friend of Debra, my all time favorite client. Now ex client though. I'm not with Debra anymore because she moved out of her place and in with Katy who lives in another county. Katy, the family and the agency in the other county wanted me to work out there but it would have meant that I would have had to quit the agency I'm with and I really didn't want to burn that bridge with my agency so soon. Anyway, Katy just called to tell me how great Debra is doing. I'm so happy for her.
11:07am
Seriously, I'm getting a little bored with watching the Red Car history videos. When each one ends then he has another one. Volume one, volume two, three, four...
See how we are as human beings? Looking for something to complain about.
In a way I hope they find someone else to work the Milk case. I don't really want to do a live in case right now, especially going until Wednesday.
C: So I'm sure glad that I got that insurance plan. I do have it don't I?
Me: Yes, you do.
C: So this is what we have here. Wanna watch it?
(Yaaaayy! It's a video of The Street Car - The Final Years)
Me: Oh sure, I'd love to. That looks really interesting. Street Cars huh?
C: Oh yeah. So um, you're all covered with my insurance right? I don't have to pay anything out of pocket do I?
Me: No, you're completely covered.
C: That's good.
Now we're watching the Final Years of the Streetcar. Yay!
One hundred five million people ride the subway every year. Did you know that?
Wow, he's 83 years old. I didn't know that and would never have guessed. So is she. They both look so good.
C: Where's my white hair right?
Me: Right!
I guess it's true. A body in motion stays in motion.
C: So, I'm gonna take my bath.
Me: Ok.
C: (Coming out of the bathroom walking toward me with his towel) So you're covered with my insurance right?
Me: Oh yes. Completely.
C: We don't have a co pay or anything like that?
11:30am
The other caregiver arrived. I'm not scheduled to be at Mr. Milk's home until 7.
2:30pm
I'm home from the art supply store and now I need a nap. I am so freaking tired. I got in at about 2 this morning then got up at 6 and now preparing myself for a two day overnight with a new client. Who has a dog! I don't like to go to homes with animals. When I trained at that house I left hoping they would never assign me to that house.
I like him as a client but I see how he manipulates the caregivers who work for him. If they leave he cries until they agree to stay longer. He won't take his medicine until they spend way too much time begging him. I don't want that.
It's about 10:00pm and I told him I was gonna go lie down. He got really sad. I told myself not to fall for it and keep shutting the house down. He just came in the room where I'm sleeping and said, "this isn't gonna work is it?"
Me: Why?
M: Because you and I have different hours.
Me: Well, I'm tired right now and I need to get some rest so that I can get up and prepare things for you in the morning.
He had the saddest look on his face and wheeled himself into his room. The dog, for some reason wanted to stay in my room. I don't know why dogs don't know I don't dig them.
M: Princess! Princess!
I knew that was coming. I carried the dog into his room and put her on his bed. I walked out and went back to "my" room. A few minutes later I heard him crying. Softly at first, then louder, then even louder. I knew it wasn't going to stop until I went in there.
Me: What's wrong, Mr. Milk?
M: (Loud crying) Well, umm... (crying)
Me: What's wrong?
M: It's obvious you don't want to be here.
Now keep in mind this is the same man who when I arrived told me that he didn't want me here and I could just wait in the car. He's always like that with new people.
Me: Why? Because I said I wanted to lie down? Mr. Milk, I got up very early and I'm tired. It's not about you.
I tried to sound sympathatic and steady in my position at the same time. If I gave in and said, "ok, let's play a game of cards, or watch TV or something" then he would always do that to me.
When Lisa, the caregiver from the last shift, was leaving today he said "Well, I won't be here tomorrow."
L: Why?
M: Well, why bother? Nobody likes me and nobody wants me around. I may as well just go.
I really do feel for him but I would be doing myself harm by being pulled into it. I know because I've allowed myself to be sucked into that kind of drama my whole life.
"Gettin' old aint for sissies." That's the last thing Mr. Minute said to me before I left his home.
Me: It sure aint.
It sure aint.
M: Ok. Well then you go to sleep then.
Me: Ok.
He told me tonight that his mother died when he was seven years old. I wonder if it's a trigger for him everytime a woman or anyone leaves him.
Well, now I am going to turn in. This room is a little creepy to me but I'm going to close the door because I didn't like that Mr. Milk seemed to want me to keep it open. Too bad it doesn't have a lock on it.
Ok, as much as I complain about Clara, she's my new favorite. She gives me shit but she aint gettin' out of the bed unless I get her out and she talks straight. That manipulation stuff is one of my personal triggers. I can't stand it and I know when it's happening.
Now I've hyped myself up and I can't sleep. Shoot!
This morning I'm at the Minutes residence. A couple. He has Altzheimers and I think she does too. I never got a report on them. He's awake and very talkative. Linda, the night shift worker said that she (the wife) doesn't talk much. For some reason I thought they were both in wheelchairs and both needed personal care. As it turns out they dress themselves and take care of all of their personal needs. Thank You! And I thought they were in Pamona. They aren't. Just in Temple City, not far from Pasadena. Thank You! Thank You! I haven't had a case where I didn't have to strain my back every five minutes. This will be a welcome change from Clara.
Actually I did go to Clara's house this morning because that's what my schedule said when I checked it on Thursday when it came out. Since then there were changes made and no one told me. But anyway. I'm here now.
Chad is sitting on the couch watching Scooby Doo and I hear his wife getting up now. What a great feeling not being with Clara today. I needed a break.
Chad is very concerned about money. Linda told me that about him. He has asked me seven times in the last twenty minutes if he had to pay me out of pocket or if my services were covered by his insurance.
Me: Yes, one hundred percent from your insurance.
C: Well, that's great 'cause otherwise I couldn't afford it.
They are the cutest couple. Nina, his wife is up now.
C: Here, honey, you sit on this couch so you can stretch your legs and be by the fan.
And she sat. Stretched her legs as the wind from the fan slightly blew her shoulder length gray hair.
Me: Do you want breakfast?
C: Just tea for now.
As I prepared the water for tea I took time to appreciate this moment. I'm sitting at their table writing as they are watching Scooby Doo. I can do this.
8:39am
Uraeus was with his friends on Friday night so I didn't pick him up and I had a therapy session at 11am on Saturday and Red Stories that night and had to be at work at 7 the next morning so couldn't get there on Sat or Sun. On Friday I bought some more school clothes for him so I went up to Bakersfield last night after work and gave them to him.
I was going to drive alone but my mom said she wanted to go. She drove and we had a nice drive and listened to the audio version of the book THE HELP. Very entertaining. I was glad she did drive because I was tired on the way a back. I had spent twelve hours with Clara and still had to be at work this morning at 7. My mom didn't work yesterday. Thankfully she's enjoying herself and is not at the police station anymore.
C: Now, this is all covered by my insurance right?
Me: Yes, all of it.
C: Oh good.
Nina went back to bed and he went to check on her.
C: Honey, would you come and watch TV with me? I would love it.
As she got up he held her and kissed her face. She hugged him back and let her head fall on his shoulder for a moment.
And now they are in the living room. Drinking tea. Watching TV.
Oh, by the way, Uraeus liked the clothes. Except the army fatigue pants. He didn't like those. That's cool. I'll give them to Lynette's son.
9:13am
C: So, you're all paid for by the insurance right?
Me: Yes, I am.
9:26am
Their breakfast has been sitting on the table since 9:15 but she won't eat until he comes out of the bathroom and sits to eat with her.
9:54am
They have finished eating and she went back to bed.
I'm so sleepy. I would love to go to bed. I'm looking forward to that when I get home.
C: Are you all paid for with insurance?
Me: Yes, I am.
I wonder what would happen if I said "No, your insurance doesn't cover me. So far you owe me $200 and by 7pm when I leave you will owe me $1,000."
He is playing a tape of the history of the Red Car. That was the public transportation system in California.
10:44am
Glenda, my supervisor just called and said that they have a "situation" and they need me to go to the Milk residence and do a live in until Wednesday. Don't know what happened but it sounds like Mr. Milk got on someone's nerves and they walked out. Which I can easily see happening. What is crazy though is that I probably won't even be updated on what happened. I'll just walk into the aftermath I guess.
10:59am
Katy just called me! She's a good friend of Debra, my all time favorite client. Now ex client though. I'm not with Debra anymore because she moved out of her place and in with Katy who lives in another county. Katy, the family and the agency in the other county wanted me to work out there but it would have meant that I would have had to quit the agency I'm with and I really didn't want to burn that bridge with my agency so soon. Anyway, Katy just called to tell me how great Debra is doing. I'm so happy for her.
11:07am
Seriously, I'm getting a little bored with watching the Red Car history videos. When each one ends then he has another one. Volume one, volume two, three, four...
See how we are as human beings? Looking for something to complain about.
In a way I hope they find someone else to work the Milk case. I don't really want to do a live in case right now, especially going until Wednesday.
C: So I'm sure glad that I got that insurance plan. I do have it don't I?
Me: Yes, you do.
C: So this is what we have here. Wanna watch it?
(Yaaaayy! It's a video of The Street Car - The Final Years)
Me: Oh sure, I'd love to. That looks really interesting. Street Cars huh?
C: Oh yeah. So um, you're all covered with my insurance right? I don't have to pay anything out of pocket do I?
Me: No, you're completely covered.
C: That's good.
Now we're watching the Final Years of the Streetcar. Yay!
One hundred five million people ride the subway every year. Did you know that?
Wow, he's 83 years old. I didn't know that and would never have guessed. So is she. They both look so good.
C: Where's my white hair right?
Me: Right!
I guess it's true. A body in motion stays in motion.
C: So, I'm gonna take my bath.
Me: Ok.
C: (Coming out of the bathroom walking toward me with his towel) So you're covered with my insurance right?
Me: Oh yes. Completely.
C: We don't have a co pay or anything like that?
11:30am
The other caregiver arrived. I'm not scheduled to be at Mr. Milk's home until 7.
2:30pm
I'm home from the art supply store and now I need a nap. I am so freaking tired. I got in at about 2 this morning then got up at 6 and now preparing myself for a two day overnight with a new client. Who has a dog! I don't like to go to homes with animals. When I trained at that house I left hoping they would never assign me to that house.
I like him as a client but I see how he manipulates the caregivers who work for him. If they leave he cries until they agree to stay longer. He won't take his medicine until they spend way too much time begging him. I don't want that.
It's about 10:00pm and I told him I was gonna go lie down. He got really sad. I told myself not to fall for it and keep shutting the house down. He just came in the room where I'm sleeping and said, "this isn't gonna work is it?"
Me: Why?
M: Because you and I have different hours.
Me: Well, I'm tired right now and I need to get some rest so that I can get up and prepare things for you in the morning.
He had the saddest look on his face and wheeled himself into his room. The dog, for some reason wanted to stay in my room. I don't know why dogs don't know I don't dig them.
M: Princess! Princess!
I knew that was coming. I carried the dog into his room and put her on his bed. I walked out and went back to "my" room. A few minutes later I heard him crying. Softly at first, then louder, then even louder. I knew it wasn't going to stop until I went in there.
Me: What's wrong, Mr. Milk?
M: (Loud crying) Well, umm... (crying)
Me: What's wrong?
M: It's obvious you don't want to be here.
Now keep in mind this is the same man who when I arrived told me that he didn't want me here and I could just wait in the car. He's always like that with new people.
Me: Why? Because I said I wanted to lie down? Mr. Milk, I got up very early and I'm tired. It's not about you.
I tried to sound sympathatic and steady in my position at the same time. If I gave in and said, "ok, let's play a game of cards, or watch TV or something" then he would always do that to me.
When Lisa, the caregiver from the last shift, was leaving today he said "Well, I won't be here tomorrow."
L: Why?
M: Well, why bother? Nobody likes me and nobody wants me around. I may as well just go.
I really do feel for him but I would be doing myself harm by being pulled into it. I know because I've allowed myself to be sucked into that kind of drama my whole life.
"Gettin' old aint for sissies." That's the last thing Mr. Minute said to me before I left his home.
Me: It sure aint.
It sure aint.
M: Ok. Well then you go to sleep then.
Me: Ok.
He told me tonight that his mother died when he was seven years old. I wonder if it's a trigger for him everytime a woman or anyone leaves him.
Well, now I am going to turn in. This room is a little creepy to me but I'm going to close the door because I didn't like that Mr. Milk seemed to want me to keep it open. Too bad it doesn't have a lock on it.
Ok, as much as I complain about Clara, she's my new favorite. She gives me shit but she aint gettin' out of the bed unless I get her out and she talks straight. That manipulation stuff is one of my personal triggers. I can't stand it and I know when it's happening.
Now I've hyped myself up and I can't sleep. Shoot!
Sunday at Clara's (from journal entry 8-28-11)
7:30am
I'm at Clara's. I don't feel like it today. Don't feel like Clara, don't feel like being here. Didn't mind getting up this morning, didn't mind the drive. But don't feel like Clara's drama. I gotta pray. Gotta shift my mood and feelings. Nothing has changed. She hasn't changed. I have. It's up to me to shift.
I got here at 7 and at 7:05 she was already calling me. I did get a good laugh as I read through the notes from the other caregivers. Esther wrote the other day that she was having a really hard time with her and that she told Esther to leave the room and bring in a nurse who wasn't stupid. That was funny because I can so see her saying that.
I shared last night at Red Stories how we as human beings are often not present to how generous others are with us. Clara doesn't get the generosity she is given by the caregivers here. She doesn't get that when she calls we could just leave her in the room calling. We don't, but she's not present to how much we give to her.
At Red Stories I invited the audience to be aware of the generosity of the performers. The storytellers and poets and musicians who share very intimate details of themselves. Details and sharing intended to help the listeners in some way. Through inspiration, encouragement, information or entertainment.
Also as performers we have to be mindful to appreciate what the audience gives to us. They give us their attention and time. They give us their money and energy. They give encouragement, inspiration, tears, they spend money on gas to drive to the shows and back home.
In this moment I recognize that what Clara is giving, whether she is aware of it or not, is an opportunity to be a contribution to her. I know that I make a major difference in her life. In the time that I'm here. It is my blessing to be the one praying and caring for her as anything I do for and to anyone, I am always only doing to and for myself.
When I complain about her, somewhere inside of me there is my complaint about myself. Even if the complaint is as simple as why don't I have a different job where I'm not dealing with her.
I really have to pray because this coming weekend I'm scheduled to be with the Minutes. They are a married couple out in Pamona. Twelve hour shifts Saturday and Sunday. I'm not looking forward to going all the way out there two days and taking care of two people and I was just informed that I don't get paid for two. That's a huge issue for me. I have to speak with someone in the office tomorrow because... yeah no.
I'm at Clara's. I don't feel like it today. Don't feel like Clara, don't feel like being here. Didn't mind getting up this morning, didn't mind the drive. But don't feel like Clara's drama. I gotta pray. Gotta shift my mood and feelings. Nothing has changed. She hasn't changed. I have. It's up to me to shift.
I got here at 7 and at 7:05 she was already calling me. I did get a good laugh as I read through the notes from the other caregivers. Esther wrote the other day that she was having a really hard time with her and that she told Esther to leave the room and bring in a nurse who wasn't stupid. That was funny because I can so see her saying that.
I shared last night at Red Stories how we as human beings are often not present to how generous others are with us. Clara doesn't get the generosity she is given by the caregivers here. She doesn't get that when she calls we could just leave her in the room calling. We don't, but she's not present to how much we give to her.
At Red Stories I invited the audience to be aware of the generosity of the performers. The storytellers and poets and musicians who share very intimate details of themselves. Details and sharing intended to help the listeners in some way. Through inspiration, encouragement, information or entertainment.
Also as performers we have to be mindful to appreciate what the audience gives to us. They give us their attention and time. They give us their money and energy. They give encouragement, inspiration, tears, they spend money on gas to drive to the shows and back home.
In this moment I recognize that what Clara is giving, whether she is aware of it or not, is an opportunity to be a contribution to her. I know that I make a major difference in her life. In the time that I'm here. It is my blessing to be the one praying and caring for her as anything I do for and to anyone, I am always only doing to and for myself.
When I complain about her, somewhere inside of me there is my complaint about myself. Even if the complaint is as simple as why don't I have a different job where I'm not dealing with her.
I really have to pray because this coming weekend I'm scheduled to be with the Minutes. They are a married couple out in Pamona. Twelve hour shifts Saturday and Sunday. I'm not looking forward to going all the way out there two days and taking care of two people and I was just informed that I don't get paid for two. That's a huge issue for me. I have to speak with someone in the office tomorrow because... yeah no.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Awwwwww
So Uraeus was at a football game with his buddies at his school last night and I called (of course). At the end of our conversation I said "I love you" and he responded with a soft "love you too." I said, "I understand, you don't wanna say 'I love you' loud enough for your friends to hear. Which, I really did understand. Then he said in the loudest most wonderful voice, "I LOOOOOOOOVVVEEEEEE YOOOOOUUUUUUUU MOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM!"
Housekeeping tip 1
If you clean your home before you go to bed and make sure it's clean before you leave to go anywhere, then it will always be clean.
Red Stories day!
Good morning friends and family. I'm up getting ready to do the running around that I do the day of Red Stories. I love this day. Tonight Alice the Poet and Sandra Loraine Coleman will be the features. I'm looking forward to the stories that they will tell. Of course, I'll let you know about it. If you are in the area, come on by. The show will be at Vibrations 2435 Manchester Ave., Inglewood, CA 90305. 7pm, $10 cover. I do look forward to seeing you there.
Thursday at Clara's 7a-7p
3:30p
C: Did you get the mail?
Me: Yes, there was none (really there was but I was instructed not to give her anything but the junk mail).
C: That's a major crime you know. Someone could lose their house or something because they didn't get the mail for one day. That's the problem you know, these people come from other countries where they don't have good laws. We're not living in Tujuana you know.
Me: No, we're not.
She just won't stop with her racist comments. Yesterday we were watching a show and there was a black man and white woman married. She said "Will you look at that girl, how do you think her mother must feel?"
Me: What about his mother?
C: Well his too. Don't you go thinking I'm a racist or something. I voted for Obama you know. I'm just stating that people need to be with their own kind. That's not being racist it's just the way things are.
Except the people taking care of her everyday are black and Mexican. What if we only took care of our own kind?
C: Did you get the mail?
Me: Yes, there was none (really there was but I was instructed not to give her anything but the junk mail).
C: That's a major crime you know. Someone could lose their house or something because they didn't get the mail for one day. That's the problem you know, these people come from other countries where they don't have good laws. We're not living in Tujuana you know.
Me: No, we're not.
She just won't stop with her racist comments. Yesterday we were watching a show and there was a black man and white woman married. She said "Will you look at that girl, how do you think her mother must feel?"
Me: What about his mother?
C: Well his too. Don't you go thinking I'm a racist or something. I voted for Obama you know. I'm just stating that people need to be with their own kind. That's not being racist it's just the way things are.
Except the people taking care of her everyday are black and Mexican. What if we only took care of our own kind?
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Da Poetry Lounge
I went to Da Poetry Lounge tonight on Fairfax and Melrose. The poetry was cool. I haven't been there in a few months and it was good seeing the large crowd of young folks sitting on the stage and filling the seats. I only stayed for the first half and enjoyed myself. There were four performers that really stood out for me. I don't remember any of their names but they were good. Plus Brotha Gimel was awesome as usual (dj) and Shihan hosted the first half and was his funny self.
I wish I had my notebook with me and I could have captured more specific moments of the night but...I didn't. It's about 11:30pm and the second half ends at midnight so they're still going at it about now. It's been years since I've seen the second half but I'll try to make it some time this year.
I'm off to bed now. Goodnight all.
I wish I had my notebook with me and I could have captured more specific moments of the night but...I didn't. It's about 11:30pm and the second half ends at midnight so they're still going at it about now. It's been years since I've seen the second half but I'll try to make it some time this year.
I'm off to bed now. Goodnight all.
Surprise surprise!
I waited until late last night to find out where I would be working today and then finally logged in to get my schedule only to find that I'M OFF TODAY!!!!!! Yes!
Today I will catch up on some much needed promotion for Red Stories 9 this Saturday featuring Alice the Poet and Sandra Lorraine Coleman! Seriously, you don't want to miss it. I am so looking forward to the stories that will come out of theses sistas mouths. If you don't know it's at Vibrations at 2435 Manchester Ave., Inglewood, CA 90305 at 7pm and $10 cover.
Also on my agenda today is to catch up on some writing and sleeping.
Oh, I started a new blog at jahaspoetryandstories@blogspot.com. I just pulled many of the poems and stories from this blog and put them there. Mostly so if folks want to read my poetry and stories without going through my daily journaling and musings they can.
So, friends and family, enjoy you today!
Today I will catch up on some much needed promotion for Red Stories 9 this Saturday featuring Alice the Poet and Sandra Lorraine Coleman! Seriously, you don't want to miss it. I am so looking forward to the stories that will come out of theses sistas mouths. If you don't know it's at Vibrations at 2435 Manchester Ave., Inglewood, CA 90305 at 7pm and $10 cover.
Also on my agenda today is to catch up on some writing and sleeping.
Oh, I started a new blog at jahaspoetryandstories@blogspot.com. I just pulled many of the poems and stories from this blog and put them there. Mostly so if folks want to read my poetry and stories without going through my daily journaling and musings they can.
So, friends and family, enjoy you today!
Me with Lynette
So how do I introduce Lynette to you? I guess this isn’t really an introduction because I mentioned her several times on this blog. We have known each other for about fifteen years. We met when I had a recording session with her producer boyfriend (now ex beau). After the session she cooked for the crew and she and I laughed and have been encouraging each other and making each other laugh since then. Our boys are also about the same age. Actually her twins would have been born the same month had they not come a month early.
Right now I am with Clara. For more information on Clara, read previous blog entries. Right now Clara is occupied putting her makeup on and things are pretty quiet around here so I thought I’d get as much of this interview (conversation) done as possible. I called Lynette about five minutes ago but she was busy with lunch and we agreed that her turkey burger need not be included in this session so let’s see if / when she calls back.
5:30p
L: (By text) Is this a good time?
J: (By text) I’m sleepy now.
Right now I am with Clara. For more information on Clara, read previous blog entries. Right now Clara is occupied putting her makeup on and things are pretty quiet around here so I thought I’d get as much of this interview (conversation) done as possible. I called Lynette about five minutes ago but she was busy with lunch and we agreed that her turkey burger need not be included in this session so let’s see if / when she calls back.
5:30p
L: (By text) Is this a good time?
J: (By text) I’m sleepy now.
Friday at Clara's (from journal entry 8-19-11)
11:14a
At Clara’s. Been here since 7a. Good day so far. We are sitting in Clara’s living room talking.
C: What I miss most of all is driving. You know in this town you’re lost if you can’t drive around to the grocery store and such. You know The Canyon has a beauty salon now. That’s a really good retirement home. I’ve considered living there but I don’t want to deal with all of that now.
She took her teeth out so understanding her is harder than usual.
C: You know my father was born in Canada and my mother is in London. England at that time was over one quarter of the world. Can you imagine that? Little England? Of course the Mexicans are taking all of our jobs now, but Ireland is a pretty good place to live.
Me: Oh yeah?
C: Well sure. In fact Americans are so well loved all over the country that in Ireland if they see an American they walk up to them and give them a hug.
Me: Really?
C: Well sure. Everybody loves Americans. Have you been to Vancouver?
Me: No.
C: Well you ought to go. It’s just over the border. Be sure you have your papers with you though.
She’s putting her makeup on now and usually asks me to put her eyebrows on. I don’t like doing it because they always come out crooked.
C: You know, Helen and her husband moved out by the beach.
Me: Yes, I know.
C: Of course he’s away most of the time. He has grown children from another marriage. He’s a grandfather you know. I have three nieces but only one has a child. I think every woman should have at least one child. (Pause) Well you just kinda wonder what the future is going to bring.
Me: Yeah.
C: Well, only George Bush knows. Only him and a few others who are rich and think they can do whatever they want. (Pause) You know, Helen’s husband is a business man. He can handle anything. Helen is sharp too.
Me: She is.
C: You know, I have this big place so if you need a place to stay then you just let me know. I’ve been through the depression you know. My mother remarried you know. I don’t think she wanted to, but it was the thing to do. A good man is hard to find, you always get the other kind. Do you know that song?
Me: No.
C: (Sings song)
Me: Did you get along with your stepfather?
C: I wouldn’t call it getting along. I didn’t have any feeling for him. There aren’t many men who love other people’s children enough to raise them. (Continues song. A good man is hard to find)
C: So I started to tell you why I divorced my husband. After we had the baby the war was over and he didn’t have a job and kept drinking. So I divorced him. And a good man is hard to find so I didn’t want to get married again. And for our son I would have stayed with him but he was just one of those men who just if he opened a bottle he had to finish the whole thing. I didn’t feel like I had the right to have a man who drank too much to the head of the family. He was a good man though. But you know…
Me: Yeah.
12:30p
Me: Kim Kardashian’s wedding is going to cost ten million dollars.
C: Whoever is charging that should be sued for that much.
I’m watching Access Hollywood right now and they are discussing the suicide of Russell Armstrong (Taylor’s husband) on the reality show The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. It’s a sad situation. Reality TV is a sad situation because the television shows go so far into the lives of these people without, it seems, taking into consideration the impact on them.
1:14p
C: (Waking up from nap) Help! Help!
Me: Yes, I’m here.
C: Yes. I think I left the iron on!
Me: No. The iron is off.
C: And you’re sure?
Me: Yes.
2:00p
I made her lunch (crab mean with kidney beans, steamed vegetables and juice).
C: This looks good.
Me: Thank you.
C: But where is the mayonnaise?
Dear black home health aides,
If you have a white client that you have to cook for then please remember that white people love mayonnaise. I know that mayo on broccoli, cauliflower and carrots does not sound good, but they like it.
At Clara’s. Been here since 7a. Good day so far. We are sitting in Clara’s living room talking.
C: What I miss most of all is driving. You know in this town you’re lost if you can’t drive around to the grocery store and such. You know The Canyon has a beauty salon now. That’s a really good retirement home. I’ve considered living there but I don’t want to deal with all of that now.
She took her teeth out so understanding her is harder than usual.
C: You know my father was born in Canada and my mother is in London. England at that time was over one quarter of the world. Can you imagine that? Little England? Of course the Mexicans are taking all of our jobs now, but Ireland is a pretty good place to live.
Me: Oh yeah?
C: Well sure. In fact Americans are so well loved all over the country that in Ireland if they see an American they walk up to them and give them a hug.
Me: Really?
C: Well sure. Everybody loves Americans. Have you been to Vancouver?
Me: No.
C: Well you ought to go. It’s just over the border. Be sure you have your papers with you though.
She’s putting her makeup on now and usually asks me to put her eyebrows on. I don’t like doing it because they always come out crooked.
C: You know, Helen and her husband moved out by the beach.
Me: Yes, I know.
C: Of course he’s away most of the time. He has grown children from another marriage. He’s a grandfather you know. I have three nieces but only one has a child. I think every woman should have at least one child. (Pause) Well you just kinda wonder what the future is going to bring.
Me: Yeah.
C: Well, only George Bush knows. Only him and a few others who are rich and think they can do whatever they want. (Pause) You know, Helen’s husband is a business man. He can handle anything. Helen is sharp too.
Me: She is.
C: You know, I have this big place so if you need a place to stay then you just let me know. I’ve been through the depression you know. My mother remarried you know. I don’t think she wanted to, but it was the thing to do. A good man is hard to find, you always get the other kind. Do you know that song?
Me: No.
C: (Sings song)
Me: Did you get along with your stepfather?
C: I wouldn’t call it getting along. I didn’t have any feeling for him. There aren’t many men who love other people’s children enough to raise them. (Continues song. A good man is hard to find)
C: So I started to tell you why I divorced my husband. After we had the baby the war was over and he didn’t have a job and kept drinking. So I divorced him. And a good man is hard to find so I didn’t want to get married again. And for our son I would have stayed with him but he was just one of those men who just if he opened a bottle he had to finish the whole thing. I didn’t feel like I had the right to have a man who drank too much to the head of the family. He was a good man though. But you know…
Me: Yeah.
12:30p
Me: Kim Kardashian’s wedding is going to cost ten million dollars.
C: Whoever is charging that should be sued for that much.
I’m watching Access Hollywood right now and they are discussing the suicide of Russell Armstrong (Taylor’s husband) on the reality show The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. It’s a sad situation. Reality TV is a sad situation because the television shows go so far into the lives of these people without, it seems, taking into consideration the impact on them.
1:14p
C: (Waking up from nap) Help! Help!
Me: Yes, I’m here.
C: Yes. I think I left the iron on!
Me: No. The iron is off.
C: And you’re sure?
Me: Yes.
2:00p
I made her lunch (crab mean with kidney beans, steamed vegetables and juice).
C: This looks good.
Me: Thank you.
C: But where is the mayonnaise?
Dear black home health aides,
If you have a white client that you have to cook for then please remember that white people love mayonnaise. I know that mayo on broccoli, cauliflower and carrots does not sound good, but they like it.
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