NaNoWriMo - Day 7 - Dear Mary

Good morning. It's 10:22 and I'm home. Feeling wonderfully gray today. I love mornings that are slightly chilly and the sky slightly shaded. Today. My jaw is still sore and I'm still taking my medication for the infection in my tooth and the pain in my jaw. Maybe that has something to do with me feeling wonderfully gray.

Right now I am preparing for a reading I have tonight at the Topanga Canyon Library with Ann Buxie and Jean Colomonos. I love reading with them and I really enjoy the crowd at the library out there. Now, am I prepared to read on the theme? Not really. But I will have everything together soon. I'm working on projects from home today, thankfully and I don't have to be in Topanga Canyon until 7. I'll leave much earlier and do some work out there.

I'm just rambling, Mary. This is my first post of the day and words and thoughts just spill out. Don't mind me. Are you like that? Did I get that from you? Do you write or paint, take pictures or draw?

I haven't been in the mood to be particularly creative lately. Even my writing feels blah to me. Forced. But I'm glad I am able to force myself to do it. There have been days, Mary. Days when writing was a dream too far outside of my reach. A dream like the nightmare of getting out of bed. I remember those days. I am so thankful that this is not one of those days. I'll take forced writing over that any time.

The theme tonight is on relationships and I've been going back and forth on what poems and stories to tell. I even thought about you. My relationship with you. Of course I thought about romantic relationships but that's so easy. Romantic relationships are not easy but it's an easy choice. I want to challenge myself a little more than that. Although I am really challenging myself in this relationship I'm in right now. You know by now how I free write. Don't expect me to stay on the same topic for too long.

This relationship though. Let me just say that I have never even been in a relationship for more than two years straight. Never. I was in one where we broke up every six to eight months and that flip flop went on for five years. I sure learned a lot. A lot about myself. Maybe more on that later. Maybe not. This one though. I've been here for a year now. We had a few months when we were not together but we are back. And better. I'm careful not to talk much about my current relationships on my blogs or poems I share publicly. He didn't sign up for this after all. If he wanted his life on a blog he would have one. So I don't give a lot of details. But I do give my lessons.

I have done a lot of work on myself in the past few years. A lot. Even in therapy now. I've worked on healing from the sexual abuse stories that have run most of my life. I have been in denial about how much pain the abuses have caused me. I let the pain surface. I was angry. Angry and more angry. I was diagnosed as being bipolar, thankfully. Thankfully because I needed a name for the trips I was going through. The mental ups and downs that I knew were not normal to everyone. So much luggage I carried into my relationships. So much. So much I thought I was hiding. So much I knew I wasn't hiding but was unwilling and unable to unpack. What would I do with it? Where would I put it? Who would love somebody with what I was carrying?

I started unpacking. The process was painful. The process brought lessons. The process was God. My relationships have run on the same cycle. The names and faces and shoe sizes changed but they were so much the same. Because I was the same looking for something different. At a year into the relationship the feelings would come. The signs would be there. I rarely, if ever chose men who were emotionally available so the signs were easy to read. Easy if I wanted to read. A year and a half I knew it was over and shortly after that it was.

This one is different. I am different. After a year it feels like the beginning of our journey. Not the end. He is not afraid of what I am unpacking. Both of us have stuff. Who doesn't have stuff? I didn't expect to say any of this, Mary.

11:14 and I have work to do. More later, okay?

NaNoWriMo - Day 6 - part 2 - Dear Mary

8:07. I don't know why this thought is in my head. But it is. Grandmommy used to tell me about the time she and...and...who was it? I believe it was one of her sisters or maybe a cousin near her age. They were running around in the house. She was a little girl by the way. They were running around and the house was built in a way that they could run from the kitchen, through the living room and through another room and back to the kitchen making a full circle. There was a full mirror in the living room. As they were running in the circle they suddenly stopped. Both of them stopped. They saw a woman dressed in white with a hat or was it a veil? She was looking at herself and primping in the mirror. Then she was just gone. Just. Gone. She was a ghost. A ghost woman they didn't know. A ghost woman they didn't know they never talked about with each other. But she told me the story. Over and over.

Who was the woman in white, Mary? Who was she? Why did she show herself to both of them? Do you know her? Is that something you would do? Don't do that to me. Don't stand in my mirror and fix your hair and makeup and clothes. Don't. What did that mean? Is that woman with you? Is she where you are?

Maybe none of this is something you can tell me. Maybe you don't even know what any of it means. It was on my mind and I thought I'd share. I'm...nice...right now. Remember?

Guess what, Mary? Obama won! He was reelected! I just found out. My mother called me shouting. O that's good news to me.

I can rest now. Easily. Now I know. Again, you enjoy your night.

NaNoWriMo - Day 6 - Dear Mary

It's 6:52pm and I am at home. Not feeling a hundred percent today. When I went back to the dentist yesterday she had to file my jawbone that was sticking out! It was so painful. I was on codeine for most of yesterday. Thankfully I didn't have to work. I did work today though and my mouth was so sore the whole time. I didn't want to take anything because it would have made me sleepy. My work is not that difficult but I do have to be awake for it.

I had to get up early this morning because today is voting day. Yes, I voted. I also took my client to go and vote. To me, voting is very important. It's a right we as black people didn't always have. I appreciate that we have it now and I choose it when elections come around. I have a bit of anxiety about this election so I will not watch the blow by blow of how the count is going so far.

I just took a pill and I would love to just lie here and watch TV until I fall asleep. I won't though. I will work more on the photography project and see what happens from there.

Before I forget, I have a correction to make. I told you before that you, Mildred and Bubba were the only ones born in Louisiana but as it turns out, Therman was also born there. Grandmommy and Granddaddy moved west after Therman was born. I didn't know that. See, I learn something about our family every day.

Truthfully, I don't really feel like writing to you today. It's not you, it's me. Like I said, I wanna lie down and go to sleep. I am writing though for a few reasons. I am committed to following through on the NaNoWriMo challenge to write every day. I know that I should write when I don't want to write. I sleep better when I write before I go to bed. Something about getting words out so they aren't on me during my rest. Maybe it's all in my head. Who knows? Please consider this free write my letter to you. I hope you will get something out of it. What I am getting out of writing to you every day is an exercise in keeping my language clean. Even in my free writing. My language is not always clean. I won't give you examples, but trust me. But to you, I cleaned up. I mean I can't be swearing when I'm talking to my aunt can I? Not that you would care. But it's just respect.

I told you that I was on the codeine the dentist prescribed to me yesterday. Well, I have a funny story to tell you about that. I was here alone and felt all loopy and I started to write to you and then I got afraid. Afraid of you. Is that silly? What did you ever do to me? But I was. The apartment was dark and cozy like I like it and I was nice and almost sleepy and in the mood to write, then I had this thought that you were about to start speaking to me. There was even a moment when I didn't want to look in the mirror in the bathroom for fear you would be standing behind me. I told you before that I watch too much TV. Also, remember I was on the codeine. Codeine is medicine that's pretty strong and makes one feel, let's say, nice. I was nice. And spooked. So I didn't write much. I turned the TV on and dozed off until Love came home. I didn't bother telling him.

I am just all over the place right now. This letter may not make any sense today. Forgive me. My rambling. I do that sometimes.

I felt irritated a little bit today. Irritated with a friend. I won't give you the details because, well, just because I won't. It's so nothing but that feeling was on me.

In other news, I love Love. I like him too. Have you ever been in love, Mary? I can't explain what it is. I just hope you understand. Relationships have these phases. They just do. Relationships take work. A lot of work. All relationships. I love coming home to him. I love the space he gives me. I love talking and sharing with him. We don't always have this. We do now, and I love it. I love times like tonight when he is in the other room reading and I am writing and working on some art. It's slightly chilly, my favorite weather. I had a bowl of clam chowder soup, my favorite, and all I can eat with my jaw being crazy sore. Law and Order is on, my favorite. I'm about to be, let's say, nice.

This letter is going to sound rediculous to me later on tonight but oh well. I'm going to get started on my project before I get too sleepy. You enjoy your night, too.

I voted.

Did you?

I love words

Tacit

tac·it  
/ˈtasit/
Adjective
Understood or implied without being stated.
Synonyms
silent - implicit - mum - mute - implied

Agathon

"Of this alone, even god is deprived, the power of making things that are past never to have been."

NaNoWriMo - Day 5 - Dear Mary

Good morning. It's 2:45 and Love and I are home. He's in bed. I'm in the living room. In the dark, quiet, still of the moment. This is my prayer time. My quiet me time where I just sit and commune with Spirit. Maybe you know this. Maybe you have been there all along.

Uraeus left last night with his father and step mother and sister. To have a child, Mary, is to have your heart beating outside of your body and to trust, with all your trusting, that the world knows and values that it's your heart. Every moment with him is precious. Every moment of life is precious. I forget that sometimes. I forget it with my language, my self care, my actions toward others. My life is about re remembering it every time I forget.

I have to go back to the dentist this morning because there is still a piece of the tooth that she pulled sticking out of my gum. Poking my cheek every time I move my lips. My mouth was numb when I left the office yesterday so I didn't notice it. But last night...yes. Thankfully they are a twenty-four hour office. I had never heard of a twenty-four hour dentist before. Look at God. So I will be there this morning and then return home to work on the projects I meant to work on yesterday since I'm not scheduled to be with my client today. Look at God.

I have a feeling, Mary. I don't know what it is. But it's there. I haven't judged it to be good or bad but it's a thing in me I can't describe yet. I don't know, it will reveal itself soon enough I know. Or it will go away.

NaNoWriMo - Day 4 - part 3 - Dear Mary

3:26pm. Home from the dentist's office. I had to get my tooth pulled. It was badly infected. Thankfully it was way in the back. Now though I have to get an implant to go where the tooth was. This is not interesting, I'm just keeping you caught up on the day to day of my life. Much of my life is not interesting. Some of it is though.

Well, I had a really good nap. Remember I said I had a lot to do this weekend? It's not going to get done. That's how it is. A plan is just a plan. Sometimes life has something else in store for us.

I was in a film, Mary. Yes, really. It is a documentary about poets in Los Angeles. The screening is today. It starts in about thirty minutes in Inglewood. I'm not going to make it. My lip is still numb. My absent tooth is still hurting and I'm hungry and can't eat. I'll have to miss this one. The name of the project, if you're interested, is Writer's Block. Maybe you already know about this. Maybe there is nothing new I can tell you.

Oh, so I woke to describe a dream to you that I had last night. I don't know why I didn't remember to do it this morning. I dreamt about iron skillets. There were a few of them large, medium and small. They were old and rusted. There was a voice telling me how to clean the skillets and make them like new. Was that you? Whoever it was was in my home and we were at my sink in one part of the dream. In another we were outside in a garden where I found the skillets. I don't know what any of that means. I'm not even much of a cook. What does the dream mean? Do you even have a clue? Who was speaking to me? I'm taking what I can get from you. I asked for dreams about us conversing at the bank of a river and instead I get rusted cookware. It's ok though. Maybe it's all important. Maybe none of it is.

NaNoWriMo - Day 4 - part 2 - Dear Mary

It's 10:57am. I am at home but am on my way to the emergency dental office. I have such a wicked toothache. The filling fell out of my tooth and I need a root canal or something. I'm no dentist. It takes luck I may not have to get in to see the dentists at USC, that's a college where I get my dental work handled. They only take the first fourteen people and I would have to be there at spend the night o'clock to be seen tomorrow. Besides, I don't have tomorrow. My tooth is hurting so badly. It started a while ago but I've been just keeping it clean and taking pills for the pain. Pills aren't helping today. I've been trying to ignore it and something happened about an hour ago and a crazy pain shot from my tooth to my head and it won't go away. Mary, was that you telling me to get this handled today? Sometimes it's just best not to be human. These bodies require so much maintenance. If you ever come back as a human, Mary, then be sure you have money and medical and dental insurance. It's very important. It just is. President Obama is really trying to do something about this medical insurance crisis going on in America. So many of us are not insured and it is difficult to get quality care. He's running for reelection and I hope he gets it. Nobody is perfect but I would sure like to see him in office again. In America, we vote on Tuesday. If you have any influence over this thing it would be great if you used it in his favor.

The pills are finally starting to take affect. I need to close my eyes for a second then head to the dentist. Thankfully my son's dad is going to pick him up today so I don't have to deal with that drive on top of this pain. I don't know how I would do it today because the pills make me sleepy and I can't be sleepy on a six hour drive. Also thankfully Love is driving me to the dentist so I can rest in the car. It's 11:24 and my appointment is at noon. I'll write to you more when I get in the waiting room.

11:59 and I just finished filling out all of the paperwork at the dentist. I am the only patient in the waiting room. My tooth hurts so badly my stomach hurts. What's up with that? I always get nervous at the dentist's office. Today though, I just want to get this problem solved. Sleepy now. The pills are really working. 

NaNoWriMo - Day 4 - Dear Mary

Good morning to you. It's a beautiful day here. I'm in Long Beach, California. When Grandmommy and Granddaddy had you they were in Louisiana. I don't remember where though. I think Mildred was also born in Louisiana, maybe Bubba too, but I don't remember. Later, they moved to California. Your siblings would be better at a timeline as to when and where they moved after you were born. They reared their children in southern California, except for Poon, who grew up in Louisiana, then eventually moved to Alaska and made a life there with his family. I don't know when or why they chose Alaska. But they did. Anyway, your parents lived in a few places in California. They lived in an apartment in San Pedro then moved to central Long Beach where they had a house on Orange Ave. then moved to the west side of Long Beach. After they passed away, my mother and step father purchased the house where they lived on the west side. My step father passed away but my mother still lives there along with my sister, her husband, their two children and new dog. It's a beautiful thing. Last year, I moved back to Long Beach. Not in the house. It's a beautiful thing. Just wanted to give you some history on your family.

You know, having a child die is probably one of the greatest loses a human being can experience. I know it was very painful for them to see you go. It takes a long time to heal from something like that. During the healing process one begins to even ask one's self if going on is possible or worth it. They did it. However they got through the loss of you, they did it. One never gets over it. It's something that would stay on anyone. Losing you just became a part of them. Though Grandmommy was more vocal about your memory than Granddaddy, it affected him too. Maybe you can tell the differences in their personalities now that they are there. Are they there? With you? Was there a reunion? When your mother laughs does her belly still shake? Does she have a belly? Does your father show all of his teeth when he smiles? Are there teeth and smiles? O the mystery.

While we're on the subject, my father is there. Do you know him? His name is Joseph but some people call him Skip. If there is a place there where men laugh and tell jokes and drink and build things with brick, then my father is there. His jokes will be the funniest ones. That's how you will know him. He has the best stories.

Mary, today is Sunday and I still have so much to do. I'm behind on two projects and I must get caught up this week. I'm determined not to leave this house until I've made a major dent in both of them. I did get a lot done yesterday, thankfully. I must get back to work. I will connect with you later. Okay?

NaNoWriMo - Day 3 - part 2 - Dear Mary

Good morning, Mary. It's 10:10 and I'm at home. So happy to be home. Home with Love and Uraeus. I slept so well. I knew that I would. That long drive has a way of setting up a good zone out for me when I get home.

I had several dreams last night. I remember bits and pieces of a few. The one that stands out the most is a dream where I saw a woman's dead body lying on the dark night street next to a dumpster. The body was under a white sheet but I could see her big black Afro coming out of the sheet and the rise of her breasts. For some reason I wasn't afraid when I saw it. I just stood there alone and stared at the body. Isn't that awful? Isn't it awful that a woman's body was lying under a sheet next to a dumpster? Who covered her up? Why was she there? Isn't it awful of me not to be afraid? Instead of fear I only had questions. I wondered about her life. If she was killed or just had some accident in an alley. That's right, it was in an alley. What a horrible place to conclude one's life. For a really quick moment I wondered if I was the woman. You know, like in the movie Ghost when the recently dead guys didn't know that they were dead and they just stood there watching their bodies? Maybe you don't know about movies. Mary, why would I think that was me? Even for a moment why would my imagination even go there? That woman didn't even look anything like me. I blame you though, really. I mean, if you would just come to me in my dreams and answer all of the questions I have, I wouldn't have had such a horrible thought. Please know that I am only (slightly) kidding.

Anyway, how was your night? Do you have nights?

As much as I would love to spend an hour or so writing to you today, I can't. It's the weekend and I have so much to do. I haven't even gotten out of bed yet to begin any tasks. I will take moments here and there to jot down notes to you. Perhaps we will have more time in the middle of the night. That's my favorite time to write anyway.

Again, good morning, Mary.

NaNoWriMo - Day 3 - Dear Mary

Its 1:13am and I am at home. Just got in from picking up Uraeus. As always, it was a long and sweet journey. I wish I could remember the jokes Uraeus told. I'm tired. I can't. I stole glances of him sleeping though. That never gets old. Did you ever have a baby, Mary? Do you know what it's like? To look over at your son, to see his chocolate face, his locks sneaking past his eyelids? It is a sight that heals.

I am very tired and I must rest. You are welcome in my dreams. Please join me by some river. Let's talk on a rock, a blanket, under a tree. Where ever. Tell me about your life. Tell me about air over there.

I am very tired, sweet aunt. Very. I will rest and connect with you in my dreams. If not there, when I awake.