A poem a day for 2013 - day 220 - New again even still

I will sit
Right here
In this knowing space
Knowing
How love I am
How loved
How held
How God's breath I speak
I am never alone
I always have the moment
Even when I forget
I speak life
I speak safety
I speak words wrapped all around my belong
I speak myself here
I plant myself in this now
I am connected to this world
To this wind
I am here
I am stay
I am walk
I am smile
I am thankful
I am forgive
I am forgiven
I let go
All grudges
All hate
Every stone
Watch me move so free
You won't even know
This new me I will become
Watch me flower
With all this forgive I have for you
You can't do nothing to me now
Look at how much I know
Look at how much I love and grow
Look at how much smile I have
For how love I am
Now

A poem a day for 2013 - day 219 - Gratitude

I am thankful for friends
For V Kali
For easy conversation
With a woman sister mother friend who loves me
Who keeps my secrets safe
Who hears my stories
Who gives me hers

I am thankful for this day
For my body in motion
For busses that come on time

For my son
For the sun
The grass in the park
The trees
The walking path
I am thankful

For this day
This moment
For ideas
For words
For work
For work with words

I am thankful for love
Water
Food
Peace
Ease
Life

A poem a day for 2013 - day 218 - Dear Uraeus

I love you
I love you so much
I am proud of you
So proud of you
Of how brave you are
The way you walk into a room a read people
Like you just know
The way you trust yourself
Your kind and generous heart
How beautiful you are
You are my favorite person ever
You just are
I am so blessed
To rear a child I could be friends with
My hope for you is that you are happy
Happy
That is important
Not what you do
Do what makes you happy
Love who makes you happy
See as much of the world as you can
I wish this for you
If this will make you happy
Love yourself
Love yourself so much
I love you, honey
I love you so much
I do

A poem a day for 2013 - day 217 - Days. Deadlines. Words.

Some days are reserved for words
Just words
Just stories
Letters carefully arranged and rearranged
To create and recreate
To inspire and educate
Words to dance to and stretch
Words to remember
Words to remind myself
Of myself
Words and thoughts and musings
To leave to my son
To share with the world
To recite or not
Words need emptying sometimes
Escaping my brain
Words to rest on
To run to
To believe in

Me

Gratitude

I give thanks today for waking up
For getting dressed
For my functioning limbs
For moving
Walking to the bus stop
For chatting with a friend on the way to work
I am thankful for friends
For true friends
I am thankful for false friends being revealed
I am thankful for thawing out from the numb
From information
From revelation
I am thankful for prayer
For God's love within me and all around me
I am thankful for moving forward
I am thankful for sharing words, thoughts and ideas with my mother
Thankful for family
I am so thankful for my son
Thankful for his heart
His giving, loving heart
I am thankful for who he is and who he is growing into
I am thankful for my life
For art
Poetry
For peace

A poem a day for 2013 - day 216 - Dear preachers

It is hard enough being a teenager
Please stop giving the children in your congregations
Fodder to bash the gay teens at their schools
These children don't need your quotes
About how fast they are going to hell
They don't
They need love
They need to be heard and understood
They need protection
Like your children
Like your children do too

Btw

I'm celebrating my birthday every day in the month of September! Yep.

A poem a day for 2013 - day 215 - And then nothing

I wish he lived
I wish he never got in the car that night
I wish the killer got caught
I wish I told him I liked him too
I wish high school didn't come with this
I wish I wasn't afraid to go to his funeral
I wish we could talk some more on the phone
I wish I knew which college he chose
I wish I can stop picturing a bullet through his head
I wish he wasn't afraid
I wish he had a picture of me
I wish I had one of him too

Gratitude

I am thankful for this day
Thankful for great rest
For a pleasant evening with friends
For love, compassion and joy that surrounds me
For peace in my head
For the best of friends
For my son
For the workshop I'm attending today
For simple
For easy
For bliss

A poem a day for 2013 - day 214 - More

Sadly and thankfully I have lost a friend

I will write about this until whispers no longer encroach my quiet

Until her words stop coming back to me and pricking my stomach like that

It my fault

I listened for years as she told me intimate and painfully private stories

Of her other friends

Business of theirs I should have never known

It was silly of me to think my stories would be safe in her lap

I am annoyed with myself for letting so much slide

The way she came into my circle and befriended my folks

And was messy in each relationship

I have known her over sixteen years 

And I never thought I would never ever want to see her face again

But I don't

This is not a pause

This is a forever

I have never been the kind of woman who had to search her lover's pockets

I always knew what I should know about someone in my life would be revealed to me

And it always has been

Same with sister friends 

When I was supposed to know how toxic she was for me then I would know

Now I know

I forgive fast for myself

Maybe too fast

Not for my family though

When my blood is not safe in your mouth 

I am slower at forgiving

I get there though

But this is not about forgiving

This is about knowing that none of this 

Was ever about me

As a lonely human this is who she is

A woman who is terribly afraid of being alone

Who uses people's business as currency

The old me would have swept my feelings about this under the rug

Pretended to be bigger than it

I am a newer me

I am a me tired of sweeping

Tired of stories building in my stomach

If you didn't want to be the mean girl in my story

You shouldn't have been the mean girl in my story

Maybe this is the worst poem I have ever written

Maybe I am more concerned about the words, thoughts and feelings out of me than in

My shit stinks too

I don't hide that

I am not the victim in this

I don't pretend to be

I am just hurt

Hurt by the memory of sharing space and coffee and tea and time and secrets

Like friends do

I am hurt because during a really hard part of my life 

I took a fucked up situation and made the sweetest lemonade I could

I am hurt because I shared those stories with her

Only to hear them come back to me from someone else

Teased and twisted

Jabs at my mommy hood, my life

Been thinking about conversations that ended in laughter and hugs

To find out that as soon as my back was turned 

She told another 

And the laughter and hugs were lies

Instead there was anger and despise 

I must promise myself not to reread this

The poet in me will shudder

It bothers me to hear how I was never there for her

How she was always there for me

I guess it's true

The person keeping score always wins

Always

I didn't call, she said

The day she lost her house, I didn't call

I don't remember truthfully

Perhaps she is right

I would have taken her call though

Had she wanted to talk

So much I didn't do

According to what I hear

We talked six times a day

That sounds like a lot when I look at it

But we made each other laugh

We lifted each other up

I thought

There was time

There was space

I keep telling myself

For her to tell me about myself

Tell me

Me

It's ok though

Because this will pass

I didn't call, she complained

On the day she moved in with her sister

My bad, I guess

The depression gets me sometimes

I go through periods when choosing to stay here on this planet

Is the full time job I have

I love words

fer·ment   (fûrmnt)

n.

1. Something, such as a yeast, bacterium, mold, or enzyme, that causes fermentation.

2. Fermentation.

3.

a. A state of agitation or of turbulent change or development.

b. An agent that precipitates or is capable of precipitating such a state; a catalyst.

v. (fr-mnt) fer·ment·ed, fer·ment·ing, fer·ments

v.tr.

1. To produce by or as if by fermentation.

2. To cause to undergo fermentation.

3. To make turbulent; excite or agitate.

v.intr.

1. To undergo fermentation.

2. To be in an excited or agitated state; seethe.

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[Middle English, from Old French, from Latin fermentum; see bhreu- in Indo-European roots.]

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fer·menta·bili·ty n.

fer·menta·ble adj.