I have to write

Good morning family. It's 5:07 and I am up posting on this blog because...I don't know why really, but I am. I do. I do know why. Because I usually wake up early early. To pray. To breathe. To remember what bill is due. To see how far away from the rent I am. To pray for my son. Uraeus. My favorite person on the planet. I post on this blog and I write often because it takes this kind of work to stay positive. What does that word even mean? Positive. It sounds stupid. But the work is not stupid. It is necessary. You don't know this about me or maybe you do but believe me, without the constant prayer, writing, singing (however badly), painting, drawing, cleaning my closets, washing the dishes, redecorating the house, I can easily slip into a sadness you wouldn't believe and getting out of that is too hard for me sometimes. I know this about me. I'm not on any medication so I keep the sadness away with constant exercise. Not just walking and swimming, but that too. But the exercise of every moment paying attention to myself.

I know when I am not living in my calling. My calling. My God calling of art, poetry, sharing, painting, photography. I know when I am not and if you know me, then you know it too. Except you don't call it me not living out my calling. You call it me tripping. Because you don't know. Because you are not me. Because you don't enjoy your own life enough not to judge everything about my life. I'm going too far. That comment was meant for a few. You know who you are. Or maybe you are too caught up in yourselves to know. Stay on track Jaha. Focus.

I don't know the purpose of this entry. As if I know the purpose of most of them. I am pretending that I don't usually just start typing and just see the story that these sentences will reveal. The purpose of this entry is to get the words out. To release. It's like when I go to the bathroom in the morning and let out what's inside. Same thing. I can't let it build and build. I would explode if I did. And you would too.

At least I know. At least I know this about me. Get to know yourselves and see what you need to do to release. To create space. I need art. I have to write. I have to take pictures. I have to create. I have to praise God. I have to. I have to draw. To breathe. Seriously. The next time you see an artist try to understand that she is living her calling. Don't fix her life with your thoughts. Don't fix her life with your shoulds. Buy her art dammit.

It's 5:27 now and I'm going back to bed for a little while. I love you. All of you. I do.

Jaha Zainabu