Monday at Clara's (from journal entry 9-19-11)

8:05am

At Clara's today. I haven't been here since the 11th. She is sleeping now. What the fuck is that smell? It smells like a toilet full of shit spilled all over the floor. Seriously. I can't find it. I'm walking around the house like I'm on an Easter egg hunt looking for the prized shitty egg. My life has come to this. Me looking for the shitty egg. That's kinda funny to me and I'm glad it's funny and not something that sends me spiraling into whateverhood.

C: Help! Help!

Here we go.

9:09am

She's in the living room on the couch reading her newspaper and eating the breakfast I brought her.

C: All the comforts of home with half the abuse.

We laugh. She tells that joke everytime I bring her food. It doesn't cost me anything to laugh.

C: Regis died his hair a different color. Hello! Hello!

Me: Yes.

C: Well, someone bought Sears.

Me: Oh yeah?

C: Yes.

Me: Who bought it?

C: Some Armenian name I don't know.

And then it hit me. No one bought Sears. The Kardashian sisters have a new clothing line they are selling at Sears and they have been putting out these "Kardashian's take over Sears" ads. I didn't bother to explain because...you know.

In other news, I've been going back and forth, thinking, praying and regarding the fibroids I'm going to go ahead and have the surgery. I have to have the consultation first of course. I'm going on Thursday. I was going Tuesday but I'm shooting the Tree People at noon out in Beverly Hills and yes, shooting before consultation. Anyway, it works out because my hours have been cut like crazy. Praise God my photography events have been building.

Suddenly I am so crazy hot and sweating. Hot flashes are starting again.

Also, I'm featured at Lion Like in Pamona on Wednesday. I think I'll record myself because I never do. Record myself that is. Oh, and Red Stories is this weekend. Yay! Red Stories always makes me happy.

I've been in this space where I don't feel like talking to anyone. Well, I shouldn't say anyone because I always feel like talking to Uraeus and my visit with Laura on Saturday definitely fed my soul. My therapy session also went well. I don't talk about my sesions because, well, they're mine and not yours. I will say though that the sessions provide the safest place for me beside my own prayer time to peel away yet another layer of the shield I've built around myself. There I can see the pattern in which I've lived my life from a different perspective. Kind of me outside of myself, still me knowing myself as myself. If any of that makes sense.

What the hell is Whoopi wearing on her head? The View is on and Clara likes this show so this is her quiet hour. Unless they start talking about something she doesn't understand. Then it's on.

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I've created a 30 day writing assignment for myself and anyone who wants to challenge themselves with the essays.

Day 1: Imagine that there is an angel beside you every moment. Write a letter to your angel talking about whatever you want, but in the letter mention three wishes you want granted.

Day 2: Remember an uncomfortable moment in your childhood and write a letter to someone who was either involved in the situation or knew about it.

Day 3: Write a letter to someone who has bullied you in some way.

Day 4: Write an article to be seen in your town's newspaper expressing your views on corpral punishment.

Day 5: Write a letter to your parents expressing where you think they would want you to be in your life right now and describe where you are.

Day 6: Describe a moment when you stood up for yourself.

Day 7: If you were an actress/actor, describe the role you would like to play in a movie. Why?

Day 8: If you had to be on stage in front of a thousand people for an hour, what would you talk about?

Day 9: Describe the area of your life you consider to be working the best. Why is it working? When was the moment it began working? (Examples of areas of your life are finances, health, family, romance...)

Day 10: Describe the area of your life you feel is working the least. Why is it not working as well as you would like? Has it ever worked?

Day 11: Describe a fight you lost. A fight could be physical, spiritual or mental.

Day 12: Describe how you handle conflicts in your life. Give examples.

Day 13: Write an article explaining what you love about your life.

Day 14: Describe how you have grown mentally and spiritually in the last twenty years.

Day 15: Write an essay about the one thing you said you would never do and then either did, witnessed someone you know doing, or could imagine yourself doing if and only if...

Day 16: It is said that the occupations we hold in our adult lives is in some way inspired or triggered by something in our childhood. (Example, a child lived with a sick sibling who eventually died and the child grew up to become a doctor/nurse.) Describe how this relates to you.

Day 17: Describe a way that you could have your favorite hobby be your full time job. What would you have to give up? What would you gain? What would be the costs and benefits to your family?

Day 18: Think back and describe a moment in your life where if you had done this instead of that then your life would be totally different. Or if this had happened to you instead of that happening.

Day 19: If you indeed reap what you sew then look around yourself and describe what you are reaping right now in your life.

Day 20: Describe ways that you would suggest we fix the American economy.

Day 21: If you were leading a writing workshop what would be the 30 day writing exercise you would give to your class.

Day 22: If you live to be 99 years old, describe where you will live and how you will be living.

C: Help! Help!

Me: Yes.

C: Is Oprah finished yet?

Me: Yes. Her show is.

C: Well she oughta be finished. She's the wealthiest woman in the country you know. She should give someone else a chance. You know, she probably started as the poorest woman and now she's the richest.

Me: Yep.

C: But she can't lose the weight can she?

Me: She looks good though.

C: Yes, but no matter how much money she makes, she can't lose the weight. She's either that much or more.

Me: Well...

Day 23: Look among your friends and family and describe the life of someone you know whose daily activities would be hard for you to do.

Day 24: What cause would you be inspired to dedicate your money, time, energy and much of your life to?

Day 25: Write a letter to your kindergarten teacher describing who you remember yourself to have been when you were in her class and who you are now.

Day 26: Think of a lie you told and write a letter to the person you told the lie to and tell the truth. And tell why you told the lie.

Day 27: Think of an animal or insect that you don't like or are aftraid of and describe a day of yourself as that animal or insect.

Day 28: What product would you not advertise for no matter how much money they would pay? Why?

Day 29: Write a letter to yourself as if you were 100 to yourself as the age you are now.

Day 30: What can we do as adults to prevent school bullying?

2:17pm

I put thought into these questions and topics and will try to complete this exercise myself although maybe not in 30 days. But then again, maybe I will. It would be a good challenge for me.

I have less than 5 hours to go. The day has gone by pretty easily.

C: Wow, look at the size of her! Are you sleep?

Me: No, I'm right here.

She is often pointing out overweight people on television. My grandfather did that too. Except not just on televeison. "Ooooh wee! She's a big one!" Was the phrase he repeated often. Even if the person he was talking about was right in the same room.

C: How cold they possibly eat that much? You tell me.

4 hours and ten minutes to go.

3 hours and 40 minutes to go.

...