The spiral, a poem, I think

This is the spiral
As best as I can describe it
This episode taken from journal entry dated
Friday, September 9, 2011, 7am

I am at home
That is how I begin my entries
When, what time, where
But this entry is not about right now
Not yet

This is about yesterday
My tender sore spot of a yesterday

I was in my room
With plants, lamp, freaking FOX news
Lit (or is it lighted) candle
Pictures of my son, my mother
Mirrors, my clothes, a bed, fan
Pillows, sketchbooks, journals, poetry cds, me
I was in the room with me

I got up yesterday morning with a sore back and went for a walk
I love walking
What it does for my body, my mind
I have been in so much pain lately
I haven't had the desire to walk
Only sleep
As if I could sleep
Lately maybe four hours a night
It's like I'm nine months pregnant the way I try to find a
Comfortable position in bed

I had a good walk
My body is shifting
Hormones
All that
Beginning menapause

3:00 yesterday evening real life came crashing down
It didn't really
But it felt like it
Suddenly I felt like I had been running for the past twenty years straight
Then took a deep breath at the top of the mountain
There I was, poor girl, bent over
Sighing heavily with my hands on my knees
Sweat dripping off my forehead
And just as I cooled off
Hit with a tumbling rock

Hit with the stress of twenty years
Hit with the memory of being tired
From putting the positive spin on every hard time
Like it can't just be bad sometimes
Tired from always having the right words to say to everyone
Who called me with their bad days

You don't feel the bruises until you stop fighting you know

I stopped fighting
I didn't know I was fighting all along
But I know now
And I stopped
On a dime
Stopped denying when I was hurt
When my energy was depleted
When I was plain wo out

Somewhere along my journey I made up or agreed to
That if I admit to any pain
Then I was denying the power of God
I'm not though
I'm not
Sometimes I just hurt and God is still there
Living and breathing in me
Those two facts are separate
And the same

And no it doesn't mean my spirit is wrestling with my flesh
And listening to that kind of judgment makes my stomach hurt
But I don't say anything because letting the conversation dissappear
Is easier than the discussion

I should have taken the nap when I felt the spiraling
It's a sinking kind of feeling
Like I'm on an elevator and I'd like to go to the twenty-thrid floor
And I am rising and rising
Then some idiot gets on and pushes the button to the basement and down we go
But I don't say anything because riding it out is easier than the discussion

Then suddenly we are lower than the basement
And I don't know where I am anymore
And the idiot elevator envador is not on the car anymore
It's just me
With plants and mirrors and lit or lighted candles and FOX news and no remote

The sinking was my cue to climb my sore back onto my bed go to sleep
I medicate myself with hot showers and naps because
Pills are too tempting
Too tempting
But that is another poem

In short I am just afraid I could rationalize myself into something
I won't be able to write about later

I didn't take the nap
I didn't lie down because yesterday was Thursday
My check comes on Thursdays
And I have bills to pay
Gas to put in my car
A jacket and jeans to buy for my son

And my web designer keeps sending me reminder texts
Because my renewal fee is past due
And he doesn't know that I don't need that right now
And the sinking is serious

That's really what it feels like
Not drowning
Drowning is more dramatic
Drowning is a concious gasping for air
I didn't even know I wasn't breathing until later
When Val told me to breathe

Dear all of you
If you feel the sinking and you can take a nap
Don't do like I did
Take the nap
Forget your website that nobody visits anyway
If you lose it because you missed the renewal date
Then pay the extra money to get it back up later
Or not
Besides, you won't lose your domain name
Nobody wants to be you anyway

I waited for the mailperson who didn't deliver my check yesterday
Sinking, queasy
I opened my mail from three days ago
And what I go and do that for huh?

I was already feeling vulnerable and should have taken the nap
Instead I opened the bills
Because that's what mail means now
Because who writes letters anymore
There was one in particular that sent me sinking lower that I already was

From the hospital
The breakdown
Because maybe if they break it down it makes sense
It doens't though

Pharmacy $2.00

Medical supplies $55.00
Because latex gloves and the plastic cups to pee in have gone up

Laboratory $21.00

Chemistry $574.00
I mean, the doctor was cute, and he laughed at my joke
But I wouldn't call that chemistry
And should that be on my bill or his?

Hemotology $163.00
Because I have such a rare blood type I think

Urology $250.00
Because testing my urine is really hard
Even though we did that in school and it was like nothing
But whatever

Ultrasound $4,480.00
What's crazy is that the ultrasound was to check out my uterus
But the fibroids were so big they covered my uterus so the tech couldn't even see it
Now to me, I should get some kind of pass or don't pay
Don't you think?

Emergency room $1,540.00

Doctor's fee $636.00

For the grand total of $7,721.00

Dear President Obama...

And so to avoid the sinking
I went to my emotional default and gave myself the "It's all good" speech
That I have tucked safely in my bra in case I forget any part
I never forget though
And when I'm giving it to myself it's especially harsh
And accompained with guilt power points

*You can handle this!
*You've got it easy!
*Your ancestors were slaves and had to endure way worse than this!
*You're a punk! A sucka!

I'm trying but can't seem to put into words the emotional sinking
It's like, you even drink just a little too much and the room spins
It's like that except the room isn't spinning
It's going down but not as fast
There is a sudden fatigue
The not feeling like dealing with one more thing
The desire to scream
But why bother

I called Val because the words were better
Outside of my head than in
And I knew they would be safe with her

But. Noth. Ing. Hap. Pened!
I pushed out through the tears

Something did happen
She shot back
Gently though
The way a friend/aunt/mother/friend can do
Shot back the meat of what I needed to hear
As if sandwiched between butter biscuits

The stress of your life happened
It all catches up with you
It's like when you're lifting as much weight as you can lift
Then you can't lift anymore and then it all comes crashing down on you

And those are the words I was looking for
That is what I was looking for
To feel understood

I am not in the sinking vortex I was in yesterday
I made it through
I am telling you this because I am not the only one who feels the overwhelm

Words are my outlet
I can put words to my feelings
Maybe these words will help you or someone you know
Even if it helps to know that you are not the only one

I woke up this morning in prayer
In prayer for the man or woman sitting in an office today
Who may feel the sinking and can't leave to take a nap
Doesn't have medication or meditation or church or temple
Or spiritual outlet or someone to call

I don't have the answers
But I do know what it feels like when the feelings bottled inside come out
When carrying another extra pound is too heavy

I have God, art, poetry, friends, family
I have my words to share with you
And this may sound like one long fat rant
And maybe it is
But hear it like it's your own
The details change
But you've got your own life you are carrying around

The voices accuse us of being weak
We are not
Only someone as strong as us could carry what we carry
And make it look so easy