Too much TV news - revised

I am stuck
Held hostage in my room by TV news and no remote
I cannot turn away
I don't even know what channel I'm watching

As if channels matter
As if I need more stories in my head

Too much too sad to watch
To hold to remember
To add to contents of backpack and carry to judgment day

I am too old
Too emotional
Too sensitive
Too hormonal
Too much too something for TV news tonight

I cannot turn away
Do not have energy to write and rewrite this poem
These words are all that you get
All that I will give myself

One story after the next is heavier than the last

One high school girl is stabbed to death by her boyfriend
I have a barrell of sorrow for them both
Yes, him too
His family too
Whether he is sorry or not
Had reason or no

This is a lot
They were only in high school
She was too young to die and too young
To be in a relationship where she would be stabbed to death by her boyfriend

No one can watch this without feeling something
No one can
What happened
What happened

On whose watch did this happen
What is happening on mine
What is going on under my nose
In my face
What can I prevent from being too much for TV news

Another woman is on the freeway
Her truck turned over
Caught fire
Men rushed out
Put the fire out on her burning body
With the shirts off of their backs

There are good men in the world you know
Men who are late for factories and meatloaf
Men who are poor and tired
Men who take their shirts off and rush out of cars
To stop a woman from burning

She lived but her nine year old daughter is dead
Trapped in the truck

And who can hear that after the girl was stabbed to death
The whys won't stop
Because I am a poet
A mother
A reader of Stephen King and Alice Walker
A watcher of Criminal Minds and Law and Order
I am always hunting for whys

A high school cheerleader died at a game
Dropped dead and why
Nobody knows why
What can we do about all of this
Every one has a time to go
But at a game while cheerleading
With skirt and pom poms and megaphone
This makes sense somewhere I suppose
Not here though
Not to me

I cannot turn away because
I might miss one more thing
I hope that there are no more things tonight

But there are always more things

This morning it did but
Now it doesn't matter that the weatherman
Says Sunday will be beautiful
Could he have found another word
The parents of the dead cheerleader
Will not think Sunday is beautiful
Her mother has a funeral to plan
A dress to buy
A smile to fake

It is not the weathermans fault
But isn't it easier when it is someone's fault
And thank God for words and poems
Words instead of tears for me
Tears about the dead cheerleader
And girl stabbed by her boyfriend
And who knows what else there is
That they are not telling us about

Maybe tears are better though
Easier than words
At least the tears will melt away
I will memorize this poem one day
I will stand on a stage and tell a hundred people
About my sadness on this night
And ten years from now someone will say
I know you
I remember the poem about the dead cheerleader
The woman on fire
The stabbed high school girl and the boy who stabbed her
Do that one tonight
Do that one

This will never melt away
Not from me
Not from their loved ones
Never

Suddenly I am so sensitive to everything
Not so strange men lingering little girls too long
Bruises on boys
Tear stains on women almost perfectly hidden

Why and when did this happen
This is what happens when your period stops
Where there was blood
Now there are all of these tears and softspots
In your heart for people you don't know

And cravings for two tacos for one dollar at Jack in the Box

I am too young for this
Too old and too young for this

And now you know that there aren't people you don't know
They are all me and I am all of them
The cheerleader
The high school boy and his girlfriend
Their parents
The knife
The fire
The truck that trapped the nine year old girl

I am the world

And thank the joy of life I don't have to
Make this make sense to you

You get it or you don't
You feel it or you won't
Now they are talking about saving the sea lion on the street
Maybe that means there are no more dead cheerleaders or stabbed high school girls
Or women on fire or daughters trapped in trucks
Then they mention two cops that were killed

And why did they talk about the cops after the sea lion
Shouldn't the cops matter more than a sea lion caught on the street
And how did he get there anyway

5335 are the lottery numbers if you care at all about the
Lottery in California

#maybeillneverunderstand