Mental illness. Can't sleep. Hope.

Sunday, February 24, 2019 1:06am. Pomona. Home.

I have a mental illness. I have to remind myself of this sometimes. I can be on top of the world one minute and filled with sadness and anxiety the next. Yesterday morning and most of the day I was so happy. And I was happy to be happy. I called a friend and shared a funny dream I had with her in it. I cleaned up a little. Ok, very little. But I did do something. But then night came and I got afraid. I don't know what I was so afraid of but I was. Uraeus was at work and there was no one here. I don't mind being alone usually but last night I was terrified. I grabbed my keys and got in the car. I drove to a close drive thru and then parked the car and ate my food. Even in the car it felt like the boogyman was after me. I have felt like this before. I know the feeling passes. But in the moment...well.

I'm feeling better now but I can't sleep. I was feeling really queasy when I got home. I didn't take my meds because I thought it would make me through up. And I wasn't trying to be about that last night. So here it is, after 1 in the morning and I'm on my blog. I don't feel sick anymore though.

I was up like how could I be so good in the day then night fall and I get all afraid of the world? I hope this is not going to become a thing where I'm good in the day but too afraid to be alone at night. I really need someone to talk to. My psychiatrist is good but his job is to give me more pills and I need more than that. I don't know what I need but I think my body is maxed out on pills. Even right now, I do feel better but I will feel better better when the sun comes out. I don't know if there's a pill for that.

I'm going to lie back down and count and pray and recite rap lyrics or something. I hope you're well.

Love yourselves.

Job interview. Pass. Me.

Wednesday, February 20, 2019 2:31pm. Pomona. Home.

So I had an interview today for a regular degular job and didn't get it. Some things come as a blessing because was I really going to climb up and down the ladder scanning stuff and standing on my feet for twelve hours a day and go in to work at 3:00am? Maybe but I'm not sure for how long. The guy asked me to tell him about myself and I thought I was making myself sound pretty good until he hit me with "Well, were going to pass on you at this time." Yep. That was my day. How was yours?

Reading. Better day.

Monday, February 18, 2019 7:06pm. Pomona. Home.

I am taking a quick break from reading Roxane Gay's book BAD FEMINIST. I am performing at a library tomorrow and this book is the theme. So far I really like it.

I'm much better today then I've been. Thankfully it hasn't been raining. I needed a clear sky for a clear head today. 

I have a long day tomorrow so let me finish reading.

I hope you are well.

Pomona. Better day. Hope.

Sunday, February 17, 2019 11:36am. Pomona. Home.

I feel much better today. Last night I said a prayer and started listing things and people who make me happy. I just kept going with the list and fell asleep in that energy. It was good for me.

Today my plans are to do some light cleaning and some reading. I hope I get around to writing but I don't know. I'm going to be easy on myself today. That funky cloud isn't close above my head and I celebrate that.

Take care of yourselves.

Feelings. Thankful. Hugs.

 I'm still feeling some kinda way. But  I'm also thankful. Thankful that Uraeus and I woke up this morning. Healthy. Thankful that my friends and family are healthy. Thankful that my mother made it home safely tonight. Thankful for food and rest. For shelter and clothes. Thankful the car is running well. For deep breaths and safety. For hugs from my son. For heat. For love. I give thanks.

Clean

My problem is that I'm too sober. I haven't had any edibles since the beginning of September.  I'm trying to leep my system clean because I've been trying to get a job. This is some bullshit though.

Sophia. Suicide.

I had a friend once who killed herself. Sophia. We called her Sophie at church. She was in 12th grade and I was in 10th. We didn't go to the same schools. She went Millikan and I went to Poly. But we saw each other at church and sang in the youth choir together. She could really sing.

On May 9 she was home alone waiting for her mother to get home. She had a gun. Sophie had a gun. Where did she get a gun? She shot herself in the head. How long did she think about it? How long did she hold the gun to her temple? Did she imagine her mother's scream?

I wish she could tell me. Was she depressed? See here's what I know about depression, it doesn't fucking go away. The cloud lifts every now and then but that motherfucker comes back on you sure as day. Then people have the nerve to judge you when you explore other options. Imagine living with a pain that was never going to go away. I have thought about other options. Recently as last night. Obviously I didn't go through with it because I'm here. Typing this. I wonder though, about Sophie, after all these years. How long did she hold on to that gun. Because these pills man, be calling me.

I have a son I want to be here for. But I bet Sophie had someone too. Her mother, her grandmother, her sister, her brother. Reach out they say. I reach out all the time. Did Sophie? Reaching out is hard though. You start to feel like a pain in the ass after a while. Besides, you reach out because you need to hear that thing that makes the pain go away. But nobody has that thing. And everybody thinks if you just do their thing you would be cured. Bitch, if I could walk and swim every day with this heavy on my back I would do it. But truthfully the days I can get out and move around I do feel better. But it's temporary, the cloud is there. And yes, I've tried prayer. I pray every day. Do you ask the person with autism or some other physical disease if they've tried prayer.

I'm venting. It's what I do. I talk to myself on my blog. Maybe one day you'll check out more of my thoughts.

I hope you're well.

Michelle!

Happy birthday to you, Michelle! I love you so much! I saw your pictures of you at the beach today. You looked really happy.

The beach is always a good idea. I'm in a much better space today than I was last night.  I'm glad the sun came out and there was no rain. It makes a difference. Though I am feeling better I still don't have a lot of energy. So I'm in today just resting. Resting and looking at your wonderfully smiling face. I hope you enjoy the rest of your birthday and we will celebrate another time.

I love you sister.

Pray

Gonna sleep now. Gonna pray I feel better in the morning.

Talk

I never do this but I told my mother how I'm feeling. I feel freer. It made me glad I have someone in my family I can talk to without having to wear a mask.

News

I just read that this 66 year old white man shot and killed this 15 year old black boy because they had words in front of a store. He had no remorse and was quoted as saying something like "another piece of trash off the street." I want this to be fake news. I can't handle this tonight.

Pomona

I'm home now. I picked up Uraeus from work and we made it in. I don't feel like taking my meds but I know I should tonight.

Release

I'm glad my family doesn't read my blog. I can say how I feel without making them sad.

Fear

I'm afraid to be alone right now. I'm afraid I'm going to take all of my pills. I don't want to leave Uraeus. I don't want to live like this. I do want to live.

Hurting. Protecting.

The hard part is pretending to be ok. Every time I talk to my mother I just want to tell her how I feel but I don't want to make her sad. There is nothing she can do about how I feel. I don't talk to my family about it. I'm really hurting though. I'm already taking a shitload of pills. I don't need to be in a hospital for them to give me more.

Parked. Crazy. Stuck.

Friday, February 15, 2019 8:43pm. Montebello. Parking lot.


I had to come down to L.A. today and on my way back to Pomona I got crazy overwhelmed on the freeway.  I'm sitting in a parking lot typing this. I called V and talked to her for a minute then I didn't want to talk anymore. Or listen. Or feel. Or be. The hard part about depression is that when this cloud lifts another one is coming. And they keep coming so fast. One heavier than the last.

Now I'm stuck somewhere in Montebello gritting my teeth so hard it's giving me a headache. I know I don't have to be here. I have friends and family but I don't want to be around anyone.  I feel like a burden.

I want to disappear.

This this

Thursday, February 14, 2019 2:20pm. Pomona. Home.

This too will pass
Watch this pass
This depression
This sadness
This heaviness
Watch it blow away in the wind
Watch it melt in the rain like cotton candy

For now I am in bed
The world and the rain are too scary for me
The meds leave an after taste I can't handle right now
Under the covers is the safest place for me

The down has no schedule
It just comes
It just destroys
But this will pass
And it will come again
That's the thing
That's what makes this sad a heavy

I will be ok
Watch me be ok
The heavy is back
The voices are back
But watch me be ok
For a spell

Pomona. World Stage. Thea.

Wednesday, February 13, 2019 11:53pm. Pomona. Home.

Just getting in from The World Stage. Thea Monyee was featured. It was a good night.

I'm fighting off this down feeling. Maybe it's the rain. I don't even feel like taking my meds tonight. Just wanna wrap up in this blanket and go to sleep. And that's what I'm gonna do.

Love yourselves.

Good class. Next Red Stories.

Monday, February 11, 2019 10:22. Pomona. Home.

I had a good time in class tonight. I usually do though. Oh, Penelope told me that that incident with Liam Neeson happened like forty years ago. Don't know why it's coming up now. Anyway as I was saying, we had a good class.

Gotta find the next spot to have Red Stories. We are skipping February. The lace we wanted to have it in Watts will not be available. It will work out. 

I want to stay up and do some reading but I'm going to turn in instead

Love yourselves.

Pomona. Gratitude.

Sunday, February 10, 2019 7:21pm. Pomona. Home.

Today I am thankful for my life. For the world and my spirit being brighter in the day. I am thankful for my son, my mother, nieces, nephew, brother in law, I am thankful for my family. Also my friends. I am thankful for a full tank of gas. For the way love shows up. I am thankful for dreams. I am thankful for getting books and winter clothes out of storage. Thankful for my meds and this space heater and these warm fuzzy socks. This sleep is about to be on. Thankful for on sleep. Thankful for the decision to clean out the car and room in the morning.

Until later.

Love yourselves.

Dream. Bubba. Wedding.

I had a dream the other night that I was walking through the Lakewood mall with my Aunt Janice and we ran into my uncle (her brother) Bubba. Now Bubba died in like 1991 or so. He looked really good. He had on a white T-shirt and some jeans which is what he usually wore. He hugged us and we were all happy to see each other. He told Janice that he heard that she was about to get married. She agreed. He was happy to hear that and said that he was so sorry he wouldn't be able to make it. She said that was ok and that she was just glad to see him.

Crazy thing about this dream is that Janice is about to get married and lives in Lakewood.

The ancestors are always with us.

Pomona. Uraeus. Lives.

Saturday, February 9, 2019 7:08pm. Pomona. Home.

Today my son walked to work. It's a very short walk but he takes a short cut through a very short alley nonetheless. I don't care how short the alley is. An alley is an alley as far as I'm concerned.

As he was walking I thought about Liam Neeson's remarks the other day. His friend had been raped by a black man and so he, Liam, star of Taken and other action films, took to the street and was going to have a go at it with any black man.

And they wonder why we fear for our lives and the lives of our children and loved ones. Liam is not the first to scowl the streets looking for a black man,  or wan. Police do it, neighbors do it. It's a thing.

Thankfully my son is safe and at home. But how many aren't? I can't go a day without seeing a missing black person ony Facebook timeline. I pray for all of us. That means all of us. May we grow to be better humans to each other. Anday someone tell Liam Neeson's old white self that he is probably lucky he didn't find someone to fight because he may have gotten his old ass kicked

Pomona. Down. Storage.

Thursday, February 7, 2019 4:58pm. Pomona. Home.

I woke up feeling pretty down so I did the opposite of what I should have done. I stayed in the bed. Too much sleep is never good for me. I did feel better after Uraeus and I went to the store and got food. That's what I needed, food.

It looks like we are going to have to empty our storage in L.A. I really want to keep it because I don't think we will be in Pomona more than a year. But right now it's an expense we can't afford. The storage is mostly filled with my bookcases and books and clothes. But I want those things and want to take them with me when I go to Bakersfield in September. I think that's part of what I was down about, having to do all that moving again. And we have to do it before the 10th. Anyway,  up and feeling a bit better.

I went to The World Stage last night and Conney's was featured. It was magical. After the show, Jessica held an after hours writing workshop until 1am. I got so much out of that. I didn't share because what I wrote was personal. I'm so glad I stayed.

I'm going to get into some writing now but I hope you're all well.

Love yourselves.

President. Stacey Abrams. Woman.

I watched the President's State of the Union tonight. I don't know why I always feel like I have to watch but I do. Nothing surprised me. The black guests he had needing his saving and the white family was a victim of people here illegally. He didn't mention Jussie Smollett the black and gay actor who was attacked and had a noose tied around his neck by some white MAGA hat wearing terrorists. But really, I didn't expect that. I did like the Democratic women wearing white. I also like Stacey Abrams speech after the pres. Loved her in her red. Loved what she had to say. I wish she would run for president. I would stand with her. Are we ready for a strong, black, single woman? I don't know.

Work. Kristoff. Death.

Tuesday, February 5, 2019 9:53pm. Los Angeles. Client's house.

I'm at work for another hour. It's been an easy night with my client. I'm still all into Kristoff's death. I keep reading all the articles that come across my timeline. I want to know how he did it. I know it's none of my business. I know that dead is dead. Suicide is deeper than dead. Suicide is a decision. One of the biggest decisions one can make.  Lord knows I have thought about it. Too many times. The thought of Uraeus has saved my life. Many times.

Here's what is scary for me regarding Kristoff, years ago his son Julian killed himself while he was in a mental facility. I don't know if Kristoff had mental issues himself but if he ever considered suicide before I wonder if it was the thought of Julian that had him keep living. I greatly fear that if something happened to Uraeus I would follow through with the thoughts I fight off almost daily.

Maybe I'm not making sense. Maybe this is something that only makes sense to me. I don't know. I know I can't stop thinking about him though. I hope he is at peace now. I pray for Julian's mother, Mia. For their friends and family. I pray for myself.

I hope you all are well.

Young. Restless. Suicide.

I found out in class tonight that Kristof f St. John, the black actor from Young and the Restless as well as other shows, killed himself. His body was found this morning. It was said that he was still grieving the loss of his son who died by suicide years ago while he was in a mental facility. This hit really hard. I don't know why it touched me the way it did, but it did.

After the classes complete separately we come together to hear the guest lecturer. Tonight was Dennis Cruz
He's an amazing poet and he talked about his mother's suicide. On top of this one of the students in the fiction class is writing a book called Suicide Notes. This was a lot of suicide talk for me for one day. A lot.

In other news, I work with my favorite client tomorrow. I pray we have a good day.

I hope you're taking care of yourselves.

Be well.

Pomona. Rain Wilson. Defiance.

Sunday, February 3, 2019 9:05pm. Pomona. Home.

Last night I went to L.A. to see Rain Wilson's play I Feed You Defiance. Rain is a friend but I don't speak as her friend when I describe her incredible ability to speak and give life to words and our stories. I'm a fan.
A big one. Defiance was a play about six or seven women giving advice and expressing love to their black and brown sons in this day and age where the police or world don't seem to give a damn about them. There were tears and triggers everywhere. I'm so glad I caught it last night. The theater was packed. They even had to put chairs on stage. I'm also glad I caught it last night because Rain left today. So I was able to get my hug in.

I slept most of today. I'm reading Wednesday at The Stage for Conney's feature so I thought about what piece I'm going to do for that. Even thinking about writing a new one. Other than that I didn't do much.

The Rams lost the Superbowl if you care anything about that. I don't really
Although it would have been nice to see L.A. win, I'm cool.

I took my meds and I'm already sleepy. I hope you are well.

Love yourselves.