Sophia. Suicide.

I had a friend once who killed herself. Sophia. We called her Sophie at church. She was in 12th grade and I was in 10th. We didn't go to the same schools. She went Millikan and I went to Poly. But we saw each other at church and sang in the youth choir together. She could really sing.

On May 9 she was home alone waiting for her mother to get home. She had a gun. Sophie had a gun. Where did she get a gun? She shot herself in the head. How long did she think about it? How long did she hold the gun to her temple? Did she imagine her mother's scream?

I wish she could tell me. Was she depressed? See here's what I know about depression, it doesn't fucking go away. The cloud lifts every now and then but that motherfucker comes back on you sure as day. Then people have the nerve to judge you when you explore other options. Imagine living with a pain that was never going to go away. I have thought about other options. Recently as last night. Obviously I didn't go through with it because I'm here. Typing this. I wonder though, about Sophie, after all these years. How long did she hold on to that gun. Because these pills man, be calling me.

I have a son I want to be here for. But I bet Sophie had someone too. Her mother, her grandmother, her sister, her brother. Reach out they say. I reach out all the time. Did Sophie? Reaching out is hard though. You start to feel like a pain in the ass after a while. Besides, you reach out because you need to hear that thing that makes the pain go away. But nobody has that thing. And everybody thinks if you just do their thing you would be cured. Bitch, if I could walk and swim every day with this heavy on my back I would do it. But truthfully the days I can get out and move around I do feel better. But it's temporary, the cloud is there. And yes, I've tried prayer. I pray every day. Do you ask the person with autism or some other physical disease if they've tried prayer.

I'm venting. It's what I do. I talk to myself on my blog. Maybe one day you'll check out more of my thoughts.

I hope you're well.