I have a mental illness. I have to remind myself of this sometimes. I can be on top of the world one minute and filled with sadness and anxiety the next. Yesterday morning and most of the day I was so happy. And I was happy to be happy. I called a friend and shared a funny dream I had with her in it. I cleaned up a little. Ok, very little. But I did do something. But then night came and I got afraid. I don't know what I was so afraid of but I was. Uraeus was at work and there was no one here. I don't mind being alone usually but last night I was terrified. I grabbed my keys and got in the car. I drove to a close drive thru and then parked the car and ate my food. Even in the car it felt like the boogyman was after me. I have felt like this before. I know the feeling passes. But in the moment...well.
I'm feeling better now but I can't sleep. I was feeling really queasy when I got home. I didn't take my meds because I thought it would make me through up. And I wasn't trying to be about that last night. So here it is, after 1 in the morning and I'm on my blog. I don't feel sick anymore though.
I was up like how could I be so good in the day then night fall and I get all afraid of the world? I hope this is not going to become a thing where I'm good in the day but too afraid to be alone at night. I really need someone to talk to. My psychiatrist is good but his job is to give me more pills and I need more than that. I don't know what I need but I think my body is maxed out on pills. Even right now, I do feel better but I will feel better better when the sun comes out. I don't know if there's a pill for that.
I'm going to lie back down and count and pray and recite rap lyrics or something. I hope you're well.
Love yourselves.
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