Playground Politics / Be quiet by Jaha Zainabu

If your mother says be quiet and you don't then she will say it again louder. If she says it again then it will hurt bad and you won't be able to be quiet after that.

Uraeus. Driving. Rent.

It's 10:00pm and I am at home. Just got here about ten minutes ago. Uraeus and I went for another driving lesson. He's taking his test tomorrow. He's a good, patient driver. I think he will pass. We will see. In other news, I worked today and my shift went well. This client likes to go for rides so that's what we did. Got on the freeway and went south then rode Vermont up back to Inglewood where she lives. She's funny to me. She's ninety-eight years old but will only claim to be ninety-two like that makes a difference. She is super snarky too. And can rag on you like nobody's business. I had on a black jumpsuit today and when she saw me she said "Hmm, some people think that when you wear black it makes you look slimmer" then paused "it doesn't though." Do I need this from a ninety-eight year old woman? No I do not. I laughed it off and we had a good day together.

Fucking rent is due and I don't have all of it yet. I will but I don't yet. I'm so tired of the rent hustle. From the rent I take out groceries and food and gas and after that rent money has drastically dwindled. I'm scratching and surviving though. Good times, yeah. The hustle wouldn't be so bad if I didn't work so hard. I fucking work HARD and OFTEN. And for very little money. Thankfully poetry  and teaching poetry and book and art sales pick up where the job leaves off. But that's a hustle too. I get home so late that all I wanna do is go to sleep and when I wake up it's time to work again. Blah blah blah. You don't wanna hear it and I don't wanna say it. I need some rest and my meds because I'm getting so irritable. It's not showing, at least I hope not, but I feel it. Tomorrow is another day though. I'm looking forward to going to The World Stage because I haven't been in a long time. V is the feature too so that's a double treat. I usually work on Wednesday nights but the client I work nights for I'm not working for her this week.

Anyway, time for me to eat, get some reading in and go to sleep. That is after I scroll through Facebook for a bit. Y'all be easy.

Playground Politics / My life by Jaha Zaianbu

My life is really, really cool and it's fun to be me sometimes. What's cool about me is that I'm always sometimes the tallest person in my class so the kids pick me on there team to play kickball even though I can't kick that far but they can. Tammy can kick farther than I can but they don't pick her because she's fat and mean. It's not bad that she's fat because people can't help it if they eat too much but she don't have to be mean to people. Especially people that don't be mean to her.

But anyways, my hair is longer that some of the other black girls at my school but not all of them. The Japanese girls think I'm cool but I'm not though. I have a little sister and I even like her a lot. One day I'm going to be a very famous writer and if I have time I might be a model and actress and lawyer. I am also going to work at JC Penney because they have cute clothes and I'm going to give my mom a lot of free clothes and makeup too. She is pretty.

Anyways, when I am a famous writer I'm going to write a letter to the president of the United States and tell him that black people have rights too and not to be mean to black people because we useto be slaves like on Roots but we are not anymore! My uncle knows all about everything about black people and he told me. I like to get letters from him. He is in jail so he rights  me a lot. He is not bad. He's fun. My dad is fun too and he is not in jail. When I'm big I'm going to be rich and when I march around to put money in the offering at church I'm going to be up there a long time because I have more  money than they do. I sing in the little kids choir at church but I don't sing loud. I sing soft because the other kids sing better than me but I can run faster than them so it's ok. None of them can sing better than my auntie Janice. She can sing better than anybody and my mom can usher better than anybody. And my grandmother has the most firestick candy than all of the old ladies at my church.

I don't have a boyfriend but oneday I will. Sometimes I think I'm not cute and sometimes I think I am. They say that Donna P. is the cutest girl in school but she is not taller than me. I think she can run faster than me so I don't race her. I have the best writing in my class. One of these days when I'm like 20 years old or something I'm going to travel around the whole entire world and write a famous book about it. Everybody in my class is going to remember me and the boys are going to wish they were my boyfriend but to bad for them because I will be marry already to somebody who is cuter than them and has a faster car and is nicer too. My husband is going to hold my hand when we go to church and the movies. I don't have to give him a kiss if I don't want to. He won't be mad. He will be lucky. I will tell my daughter not to be kissing boys at the park like Lisa useto. She wasn't fass she just like to kiss but not me. I don't like other peoples germs because I might be a doctor one day and a doctor can't have germs. I'm probably going to have a boy too.

I don't think I will have a whole lotta kids like my grandmother did. Maybe just a boy and a girl and they can travel around the world with me and my husband can come too. But he might have to work construction. I will take pictures of the world for him. He will be lucky! When I finish eating my food and writing this famous story about my life then I'm going to go to cheerleading practice. I'm not the best one on the team but I can run faster than all of them except for 2 of them. But my hair is longer than those 2 girls so it's ok. Being a cheerleader is not as important as being a famous writer anyways. Maybe I won't let my daughter be a cheerleader. She needs to be practicing her cursive writing anyway. Sunday I'm going to give a speech at church and I hope I don't mess up. The boys at my church don't think I'm cute but that's ok because they aren't either. If I could have anything I want I will probably pick to be able to sing real good and not to be scared of anything. There is a lot to write about me but I'm not going to tell you everything because I don't know you.

Uraeus. Denny's. Meds.

It's 11:40pm and I am thankfully at home. I worked most of the day and night tonight and then Uraeus and I went out to eat. Just a Denny's date but it was good to be out. So, praise report: my assignment at the job where I was tonight ended tonight (until the next time) and I'm off all week with my Long Beach client and didn't know what I was going to do this week for work. I was praying about that at work today and before I could even finish the prayer someone called to see if I was available for the week. Thank God.

Also, I called my caseworker at the mental health facility where I go to find out what I need to do about my lost medication. I lost my meds, they didn't. He scheduled me an appointment with my new doctor for the 2nd of July and he will work it out. Yas! I can tell I've been off my meds. It's almost been too long. Really it has but I am being super cautious about my thoughts and behavior. I need the meds. Folks can say what they want but I'm much better on the meds than off. I do feel numb a lot but I'm a better mother and communicator and worker with them. And that's what's important.

About to hit the sack so that I can be rested for tomorrow. Be good to yourselves.

Going off meds. Side effects. Lost.

I had been going back and forth with the idea of going off my meds again. I have never done it successfully. Ever. I've tried about four times. Each time I find myself back at the center and then to the pharmacy to get more meds. I sink too low and go to high without them. But I was feeling like I need to feel again. To be me again. I was sure funnier without them. I think. I was a better writer. Maybe. I don't know, I just wanted to feel like myself again. The side effects are getting to me. So I waited about two weeks to get my meds. Then I started feeling it again. That low. That scary low. So I went to pick up my pills. I went to my mom's house that night because I was doing something with my family. I accidently left the pills there and now no one can find them. So it's been about three weeks now. I've been working every day and haven't had time to go get more. I don't even know what the process is to get more pills before my refill date. I've never lost them before. Lost them. That sounds so fucking childish. How could I lose them? Fuck! I'm off Tuesday though and hopefully I can get it settled.

Playground Politics / Beer by Jaha Zainabu

If you drink beer then you will throw up a lot and you will have to get a divorce. Then you cannot live with your wife and daughters until you say that you are very, very sorry.

Ouch

I fell at work last Thursday. Thankfully I wasn't holding my client as I fell. I landed on my already sore back and hope that I didn't do any more damage to it. Pray saints.

Break. New year. Lorazapam.

I had a two week break from teaching my class and on the last day of class we named what we were going to do during the break. Without hesitation I said that I was going to catch up in my blog. I didn't. But I'm here now. So far the new year is treating my kindly and I hope it gets even better. I'm in prayer a lot these days. Prayer for direction for Uraeus. Because these are the years. The questioning years. The finding you own way in the world years. I pray that God will reveal God's self to him and he will know. That he will trust his intuition, the ancestors, God, life. This is my prayer for him.

I didn't get on here to say any of that. It was inside and came out. What can I say, mothers and sons. Mothers and sons.

In other news I just got caught up with rent, yes praise God. But omg that sucka is around the corner again. And keeps coming faster than I can seem to sell art or get paid from my home health gigs. Something has got to shift in this new year. We will see.

I'll be out of lorazapam in two days and I don't have an appointment to see my doctor until the 15 of next month. That's not gonna work. I can't go that long without it. I can't sleep without it and I can't function without sleep. Good good sleep. Not gonna worry about that right now. Gonna concentrate on what's good. And what's good is that Uraeus and I are safe in an apartment, healthy, happy, we have food, we are together. There's more I'm sure. For now though, that's good.

Gonna turn in now.

Uraeus. Birthday. Love.

Happy 20th birthday to my son, Uraeus! I love him so much. He's not on social media but I still wanted to dedicate this post to him. Have an incredible day, love!

Today

Today I will listen to the whole song. Watch the dance until the end. Will laugh until the funny fills my belly all up. I will take pictures of the trees. Way the leaves want to bend and scoop me up. I will pray and give thanks for all the things. Things that hurt, that helped, that healed. Things that made me sing, with my not singing self. Today I will walk without my shoes. Let the dirt between my toes. I will sit and stare at the sky. See what the clouds have to say. I will write poems and tell stories. Will dance and scream. Shout joy all through this place.

Hit me up

I'm finally on Instagram @jaha0903 but I don't know what I'm doing yet.

Breakfast fave

I love scrambled eggs with chunky raw onions and cilantro and grits and lots of pepper and butter. Now you know me a little better.