2008: Sonia Sanchez — Middle Passage

Def Poetry - Sonia Sanchez - Poem for Some Women

What does it mean to be human? | Sonia Sanchez | TEDxPhiladelphia

Happy birthday Sonia Sanchez!

Today is the birthday of Sonia Sanchez! An elder, a mover, an inspiration, a phenomenal poet!

Home. For now. Class.

11:42pm. Palmdale. I'm home now. We leave here tomorrow but in this moment, it's home. I was worried about the class tonight because emotionally I just wasn't in a good place. I'm soooooooo glad I was there! The writers this term are really good. I can tell already by the orientation. They did a free write tonight. I chose a really cheesy topic but it was something I was honestly curious about. They wrote for fifteen minutes on what they expected to get out of the class. Many of them shared and what they came up with in that short amount of time was incredible. I love that they all have different voices. Maybe that sounds weird because they are different people so different voices right? Well, many poets tend to have that...sound. I can't put my finger on it but that same...sound. These people, I know, are bringing their very important and very individual lives to the table. I hope I do them justice. I've been doing this a long time but each class has its own energy. I look forward to Monday and being at the beginning of their books. I went into the class really feeling down and left with my spirits lifted. I don't talk about the students individually so there won't be posts here, or anywhere about them but from time to time perhaps I'll talk in general about the progress of the class. It's been a long day. It really has. I'm about to watch a movie on Netflix and hopefully doze off quickly. Peace, y'all.

Love yourselves.

Step by step

It's been one of those days / and I look and feel like shit / and the thing didn't kill me / again / and I am thankful for moments that come / that remind me that I just might make it / and maybe that's enough / maybe one foot in front of the other is best I can do / and I get scared sometimes / I'm afraid now / sitting in my car / scared to fucking death of going into this classroom to teach poetry / because maybe they will know / maybe they will see the shit that has tried to kill me / maybe they will know how fucking useless I feel on too many days / on today / the thoughts are back / they are wicked and convincing / the tears and clouds are back / people say that you should reach out when you feel down / but really / people don't fucking want to hear it / because they can't fix it / because the clouds will return / because they don't know what to say / because what do you say / what words do you have to convince me to stay / because they don't understand I don't want to die / but I can't live like this either / so here's looking for another way to live / here's wiping my tears and getting out of the car to teach this class / and who better / really / you want to write a poem / you want to release demons / want to tell the truth in your art / I'm your girl / woman really / breathe Jaha / breathe / so here's to me not answering my phone / so don't call because I don't have words beyond these / because I been trying to tell you / because you think hearing about this shit is hard / live it / wake up not able to do one damn thing right / but your life depends on you doing all the shit right / because ain't nobody got time for a sad you can't explain / for a heavy that even if you could lift is coming back anyway / fuck your long ass posts / because ain't nobody reading past the first two sentences / out here wasting everybody's time with this bullshit / bitch you betta teach that class / bitch you betta go to work / bitch don't cause an alarm / bitch you betta rest when you dead / so here's getting out of the car / here's knowing it didn't kill me

Making it a good day

I'm getting off soon and I'm really determined to have a good day. I don't know what that's going to look like but I am set on not being swallowed by sadness and situations I can't control.

Work. Tired. Class.

9:32am. Inglewood. My client woke up early again. I'm so sleepy. I need a few hours sleep with no inturruption. Hopefully I'll be able to get that before my class at 6. I don't feel like teaching this class tonight but whatever. I think my replacement is on his way here. I'm hungry and tired and there is too much on my mind.

Gratitude

I am thankful for waking up this morning
For work
For work later
For friends and family
For Uraeus
For love
I am thankful that God has a plan for my life

Roller coaster

Feels like clouds
Rumble as thunder
Tastes like thistles
I will swallow
The world will not engulf me
The thoughts are crippling
They will not kill me
I will walk
I will run
I will pray prayers like moan
Engine prayers that roar and cry
I will feel the sun on my face again
I will dance again
Today I will rest
And love myself
And speak kindly to myself
Watch me be bigger than this
Again

Needing a nap

I am going to get through this. It's 3:54pm and my client went to take a nap. Well false alarm. He's not taking a nap. He's coming out of the room. I'm ok though. I'm still feeling down but I am doing a good job doing my job. I hope we get some good rest tonight. We need it.

Down. Pizza. Love.

I can't afford this feeling today. The thing about depression is that it will have me believing the negativity the depression tells me. One of the things it tells me is that I shouldn't reach out because nobody wants to hear about it. I know that's not true but I'm kind of believing it. One big trigger for me is working too much. I've been doing overnights and working too many days in a row. I always say yes to the work though because I need the money. I tell myself every time that I'm going to be all right. Sometimes I am. I'm feeling fucked up today though. I'm praying to get through it. I'm praying it will pass. I just did something I know is not good for me. I ordered a pizza. It will be here in 45 minutes. What happened to 30? Remember Domino's used to deliver within 30 minutes? Whatever. I'm not even that hungry. I just wanted some comfort food. It's not going to make me feel comfortable. I'm going to feel ugly and fat.

The other thing is that I'm not sleeping. My client has dementia and they don't live by normal daytime night time rules. They make their own. So he's wide awake from 11pm until like 4am. Then he goes to bed then up again at 7am. He's had breakfast and now he's ready to rest again. I should rest too, while he is.

I'm going to try to take a nap and tell myself all the positive stuff I know. Gonna pray like nobody's business. Gonna watch this Law & Order marathon while my client is resting. I hope I wake up feeling better. I hope you have a good day.

Love yourselves.