It's world suicide prevention day. Why I stay.

I stay for myself. Because I am not finished. Sometimes I am not reason enough. I stay for my son. Mostly my son. I stay because I am not a past tense. I am a now. I stay because I am afraid to leave. Because I want a better story for my son. Because there are more stories to tell. Because there are more books to write. More paintings to paint and sell. More sex to have. More hugs to give away. Because my nappy afro is not big enough yet. Because I am in a hotel room in LA and this is no place to die. To leave. To not be. Because my son has not finished his film. Because there is an apartment out there with my name on it. Because my poetry class just started. Because my students have books to write and publish. Because I have weight to lose. Because ain't nobody trying to die fat. Because I have not accused the ex of rape to his face. Yet. Because my license is still suspended. Because. Because. Because. Because all the reasons. Because swallowing the pills did not work. Because I need a pedicure. Because there is no. One. Reason.

I'm gonna survive

For myself
For my son
My friends
My family
My God
My art
My world

Because

Sitting is God's work too.

Writing prompt

Write about a time you had to start over.

The talk. V Kali.

Before my class yesterday I saw V. I took her to run a few errands. Well that sounds like I was doing her a favor but she was the one who blessed me. I needed her energy, her wisdom and words, her ears listening to feelings I couldn't express, her eyes looking into mine. I needed all of her. We met in 1992 at The World Stage and we were connected from day one. I really love that woman.

I've been heavily triggered lately and am in another cycle of depression. This one scared me. They all scare me but this time because usually I feel like I'm walking through mud. I'm moving slowly but at least I'm moving. This time I just felt stuck. This time it wasn't mud, it was quicksand.

I was explaining this to V and was telling her that I just didn't think I had the energy and strength to fight to get to the other side. And it is a fight, by the way. I can give myself a few days of being stuck on the couch but after that I have to move. For me, after a few days I actually HAVE to move. I have to work. I have to hustle. I have to perform. Teach a class. Take care of a client. Something. The way my money is set up I can't just ride this depression out on the couch. I know. I know all the sayings about how important it is to rest and take care of the body and mind. I know. AND I gotta get up and make that shmoney. I haven't met a landlord yet offering an extension because I'm super down right now. See this the reason a whole lotta Black folks be sweeping depression under the rug 'cause ain't nobody got time for that. Until we snap. Until we kill ourselves. Until it gets so bad that no matter how our money is set up or who the landlord is or what bills are due, we just can't fucking go anymore. And we out here, pushing ourselves to the limit like our lives don't matter.

I was explaining to V how I just couldn't see light. One of the things I love about talking to her is that she listens to me. Doesn't judge. Doesn't try to fix it. She listens. She sees me. She said something yesterday I don't remember her ever saying before. In a calm and concerned voice she simply said "I hear you. I really hear you. I just can't see myself standing in front of a bunch of people talking about you in the past tense. Let's unpack this. Unpack the stories." And those weren't just words because she has time and will hold whatever I unpack.

I'm thankful for her. So thankful our paths crossed. Thankful for our connection. I'm thankful she's part of my tribe.

The journey continues

6:10am. Palmdale. I'm feeling good this morning. Uraeus and I are moving from Palmdale today. Special shout out here to my cousin Tonya who gave a place to stay. Much, much, much love. I look forward to this transition, this next chapter of my journey. I'll be posting. Have a good day today.

Love yourselves.

Gratitude

I am thankful for waking up this morning
Thankful for rising early
For Tonya
For Uraeus
For good health
For safety
Money
Art
Words
For family and friends
For my journey

Developing

I haven't been working on my story Page in a while. I have all the reasons and excuses in the world but they don't matter. It's time to pick it back up. It's just after midnight now so I don't think I'll do it right now but maybe later in the day or tonight. We'll see.

I'm working on Page dating. I don't really know what that looks like right now. She's not much of a computer person so it won't be an online dating thing. I would much rather have her meet someone out somewhere. But where? I don't know where. But somewhere and somehow she meets a man and they go out on a date.

Ice Cube - No Vaseline (N.W.A Diss)

Right now

Gonna love myself so good / so good as I can / so good as can be

Clouds - personification poem

The clouds are greedy
They want all of me too much of the time
They do not give me much time or peace in my body
My body
My body does not belong to the clouds
My brain is mine
My brain does not belong to the clouds
The clouds are angry
Like my smile was their death sentence
Like my happiness sealed them up in a bottle
I am not so lucky
I do not win every fight
But I do resist
Every time
The clouds darken my mood and feed off of my anxiety
They are hungry as babies
They have grown so
Some days they almost cover the sky
Their prickly arms and hands cover my face
My eyes
They block my path with their feet and toes and long toenails
I feel their thumping hearts
Feel blood rushing through their viens
They are alive
They live in my closets
Under my bed
Leave traces of their heaviness all on my couch
I will keep fighting
They will not win
They will not kill me
They will not

Sonia Sanchez: A Course on the Black Woman