The talk. V Kali.

Before my class yesterday I saw V. I took her to run a few errands. Well that sounds like I was doing her a favor but she was the one who blessed me. I needed her energy, her wisdom and words, her ears listening to feelings I couldn't express, her eyes looking into mine. I needed all of her. We met in 1992 at The World Stage and we were connected from day one. I really love that woman.

I've been heavily triggered lately and am in another cycle of depression. This one scared me. They all scare me but this time because usually I feel like I'm walking through mud. I'm moving slowly but at least I'm moving. This time I just felt stuck. This time it wasn't mud, it was quicksand.

I was explaining this to V and was telling her that I just didn't think I had the energy and strength to fight to get to the other side. And it is a fight, by the way. I can give myself a few days of being stuck on the couch but after that I have to move. For me, after a few days I actually HAVE to move. I have to work. I have to hustle. I have to perform. Teach a class. Take care of a client. Something. The way my money is set up I can't just ride this depression out on the couch. I know. I know all the sayings about how important it is to rest and take care of the body and mind. I know. AND I gotta get up and make that shmoney. I haven't met a landlord yet offering an extension because I'm super down right now. See this the reason a whole lotta Black folks be sweeping depression under the rug 'cause ain't nobody got time for that. Until we snap. Until we kill ourselves. Until it gets so bad that no matter how our money is set up or who the landlord is or what bills are due, we just can't fucking go anymore. And we out here, pushing ourselves to the limit like our lives don't matter.

I was explaining to V how I just couldn't see light. One of the things I love about talking to her is that she listens to me. Doesn't judge. Doesn't try to fix it. She listens. She sees me. She said something yesterday I don't remember her ever saying before. In a calm and concerned voice she simply said "I hear you. I really hear you. I just can't see myself standing in front of a bunch of people talking about you in the past tense. Let's unpack this. Unpack the stories." And those weren't just words because she has time and will hold whatever I unpack.

I'm thankful for her. So thankful our paths crossed. Thankful for our connection. I'm thankful she's part of my tribe.