Black ass poems. Black ass stories. Black ass art. Black ass life. Black ass love. Black ass hate. Black ass parenting. Black ass depression. Black ass mania. And other stuff too.
Saturday, August 31, 2019
Friday, August 30, 2019
Thursday, August 29, 2019
Things to tell myself when going through depression
01. Stay in the moment.
02. Think kind thoughts.
03. Don't believe the negative thoughts.
04. Rest.
05. Move around when possible.
06. Love yourself.
07. Believe the clouds will pass.
08. Create something.
09. Say no when necessary.
10. Reach out to someone and talk.
11. Drink water.
12. Eat right.
13. Spend time in nature.
14. Write down feelings.
15. Listen to good poetry.
16. Listen to good stories.
17. Pray.
18. Remember the good qualities about yourself.
19. Keep a gratitude log.
20. Spend time with yourself.
21. Spend time with friends.
22. Be patient with yourself.
23. You can cancel plans.
24. Try to shower.
25. Try to brush your teeth.
26. Get dressed when you can.
27. Allow yourself a Law & Order marathon.
28. You can clean up later.
29. Try to avoid triggering news.
30. Breathe deeply.
31. You do not have to answer the phone.
32. You do not have to check your messages.
33. You do not have to return messages.
34. You can change your mind.
35. You do not have to have a reason to cancel plans.
36. You are not obligated to be around anyone.
37. You do not have to put on a happy face to make others feel better.
02. Think kind thoughts.
03. Don't believe the negative thoughts.
04. Rest.
05. Move around when possible.
06. Love yourself.
07. Believe the clouds will pass.
08. Create something.
09. Say no when necessary.
10. Reach out to someone and talk.
11. Drink water.
12. Eat right.
13. Spend time in nature.
14. Write down feelings.
15. Listen to good poetry.
16. Listen to good stories.
17. Pray.
18. Remember the good qualities about yourself.
19. Keep a gratitude log.
20. Spend time with yourself.
21. Spend time with friends.
22. Be patient with yourself.
23. You can cancel plans.
24. Try to shower.
25. Try to brush your teeth.
26. Get dressed when you can.
27. Allow yourself a Law & Order marathon.
28. You can clean up later.
29. Try to avoid triggering news.
30. Breathe deeply.
31. You do not have to answer the phone.
32. You do not have to check your messages.
33. You do not have to return messages.
34. You can change your mind.
35. You do not have to have a reason to cancel plans.
36. You are not obligated to be around anyone.
37. You do not have to put on a happy face to make others feel better.
Writing prompt
Today is Michael Jackson's birthday. For the writing prompt today write a letter or poem to a musician who has passed away.
Birthday time!
Hey Southern California! I'm celebrating my 50th birthday at The World Stage on Wednesday at 7:30! The show will be hosted by A Kold Piece, food by Divine Bliss and cake by Lala! I will be the featured reader and have selected a great line up of readers. Come through and have fun. Free hugs! Also I'm hosting the after hours set at the Stage at 11. I hope to see you there!
Inglewood. Work. Day.
3:17pm. Inglewood. I'm still at Dietra's taking care of Grandma while D is at work. I'm about to go and feed her. She doesn't have much of an appetite these days but we're gonna try. I miss Uraeus. I'll see him in the morning though. Also, my birthday is like five days away and my party at the stage is six days away. I think it's going to be pretty cool. I don't have much to say now maybe I'll pop in later. Gonna go have a good day. I hope you have one too.
Love yourselves.
Love yourselves.
Gratitude
I am thankful for this day
For a good rest last night
For Uraeus
For Dietra
For Tonya
For friends and family
For good health
For peace
For a good rest last night
For Uraeus
For Dietra
For Tonya
For friends and family
For good health
For peace
Wednesday, August 28, 2019
Easy day. Grandma. Stage.
4:12pm. Inglewood. I'm at Dietra's today with Grandma. In about an hour I'm going to leave to go to the Stage to set up my art. It's been a good money week so far, let's hope it continues. I look forward to hearing the poets tonight during the workshop and the open mic. I hope you have a good night.
Gratitude
I am thankful for waking up this morning
Thankful for family and friends
For Uraeus
For love
For good health
For energy to move around
Thankful for family and friends
For Uraeus
For love
For good health
For energy to move around
Tuesday, August 27, 2019
Monday, August 26, 2019
Dietra's. Grandma. Black Women for Wellness.
8:32am. Inglewood. I'm at Dietra's today. I came here last night after I left Penelope's. P wasn't feeling well so I went to sit with her. Was gonna take her to hospital but she decided not to go. I'm gonna call her in a minute to see how she's doing. Yesterday went pretty well with my client. He sat at the kitchen table for a while staring at a picture on the wall. He did that for a long time. I wish I could have read his mind. The picture was of him and a friend. I wonder if he recognized himself in the photo. By the time I left though, he was back in his big chair eating his food like he wasn't in deep thought a minute before. I love my clients. I do.
I have some running around to do today and also a show this evening downtown with the Black Women for Wellness. V and I are doing that together thankfully. It will be good to spend time with her. I'm about to get Grandma changed, dressed and fed and then I'm out the door. I hope you have a great day. I intend to have one.
Love yourselves.
I have some running around to do today and also a show this evening downtown with the Black Women for Wellness. V and I are doing that together thankfully. It will be good to spend time with her. I'm about to get Grandma changed, dressed and fed and then I'm out the door. I hope you have a great day. I intend to have one.
Love yourselves.
Gratitude
I am thankful for waking up this morning
Thankful for a good rest last night
For Dietra
For Uraeus
For friends and family
Love
Good health
For art
Ease
For getting paid yesterday
Thankful for a good rest last night
For Dietra
For Uraeus
For friends and family
Love
Good health
For art
Ease
For getting paid yesterday
Sunday, August 25, 2019
Issa birthday celebration!
Hello Southern California! I'm celebrating my 50th birthday at The World Stage Art, Education & Performance Gallery on September 4 at 7:30. I will be the featured reader and the open mic is going to be FIRE! The night will be hosted by A Kold Piece, food by Divine Bliss and cake by LaLa DeVille! We are going to have a good time! Also, I'm hosting Creating After Hours at the Stage at 11. Come through, y'all. Free hugs for everyone!
On this day 18 years ago
I was living in Long Beach and was parking my car to go into a thrift store on Orange and Carson. News that Aaliyah had passed was on the radio and I was numb. I felt like I had lost a baby cousin. I miss her and wonder what the world of music today would be like with her in it.
Work. Pleasant. Day.
6:45pm. Inglewood. I'm working with my client now. We have had a good day today. I stayed at Dietra's last night and we got up and took care of Grandma. Feeling better today than yesterday. Plan to have a good night. I hope you do too.
Love yourselves.
Love yourselves.
Gratitude
I am thankful for waking up this morning.
Thankful for friends and family
For safety and good health
Thankful for love
For Uraeus
Thankful for friends and family
For safety and good health
Thankful for love
For Uraeus
Saturday, August 24, 2019
Next stop
Catch me with my paintings Wednesday at The World Stage in Leimert Park at 7:30. I hope to see you there!
Paintings. Dad's letters. 13 reasons.
7:12am. Palmdale. Feeling good this morning. Thankfully I got the money I needed for the snacks for the art show today. I touched up my paintings last night and borrowed a table to place the paintings on. A table was easier than easels. I would have had to get a lot of easels for all those paintings. I hope I sell today.
In other news, yesterday my aunt Pat told me that she still had letters from my father from Vietnam. It pleased me so much that there is something of his still alive in the world. Something he created from with his brain and hands. His perfect penmanship is in the world. His words. His thoughts. It made me happy.
Also, I'm watching the new episodes of 13 reasons why. It's a Netflix series about a high school girl who killed herself and made audio tapes of why she did it. It's about depression and suicide and sadness and teenagers coping. I feel like they should have left well enough alone. It was a good show and now it's about finding out who killed one of the main characters. Of course there are other topics and it's still good but, I don't know. I still think I'm going to continue watching.
I'm gonna get up and check on the paintings. Hopefully they are all dry and the show will go well. I plan to have a good day and I hope you have one too.
Love yourselves.
In other news, yesterday my aunt Pat told me that she still had letters from my father from Vietnam. It pleased me so much that there is something of his still alive in the world. Something he created from with his brain and hands. His perfect penmanship is in the world. His words. His thoughts. It made me happy.
Also, I'm watching the new episodes of 13 reasons why. It's a Netflix series about a high school girl who killed herself and made audio tapes of why she did it. It's about depression and suicide and sadness and teenagers coping. I feel like they should have left well enough alone. It was a good show and now it's about finding out who killed one of the main characters. Of course there are other topics and it's still good but, I don't know. I still think I'm going to continue watching.
I'm gonna get up and check on the paintings. Hopefully they are all dry and the show will go well. I plan to have a good day and I hope you have one too.
Love yourselves.
Gratitude
I am thankful for waking up this morning
For a good rest last night
For an art show and work today
For family and friends
Love
Uraeus
Peace
For a good rest last night
For an art show and work today
For family and friends
Love
Uraeus
Peace
Friday, August 23, 2019
Light
My birthday!
Hey Southern California! I'm celebrating my 50th birthday at The World Stage Art, Education & Performance Gallery on September 4 at 7:30. Come and have cake with me! I will be the featured reader and the line up is FIRE! Also, I'm taking over the night at Creating After Hours from 11 - 1 at The Stage. Maybe there will be cake left, maybe there won't be. 50 y'all. 50!
Feeling better. Low energy. Gonna chill.
12:29pm. Palmdale. Feeling better today. My energy is still a little low but I'm lighter than before so that's cool. I have an art show tomorrow and I'm not really ready for it. I have to touch up some paintings and still want to create another new one. I've been trying to get up and get it done all morning but it's just not happening. I also said I would bring some snacks for tomorrow but I won't be able to do that unless I get some money which I don't have right now. Thankfully I have enough for gas to get to the show and then down to work this weekend. Hopefully I'll have some energy tomorrow because it will be a long day. The art show is from 12 - 3 in Santa Clarita then I work with one client in Inglewood from 5 -9 then I go to another client also in Inglewood from 9:30 until the next morning then head to Inglewood client1 at noon to 9. My client in Beverly Hills called for me to be with her Sunday night but I'll be working. I haven't worked with her in a month and I really miss her. I want to see her soon because she turns 103 in a few weeks and she's still amazing. She does have dementia but she still carries on a good conversation and she always says how happy she is to see me. I'm always happy to see her too. Well, I'm watching a Law & Order marathon right now and I'm going to give myself a couple more episodes and then I'm gonna get up. Maybe it's good my energy is low because I do need to rest. Gonna chill. Have a good day.
Love yourselves.
Love yourselves.
Gratitude
I am thankful for waking up this morning
Thankful for feeling better today than I felt yesterday
For Uraeus
For family and friends
For peace
For love
Thankful for feeling better today than I felt yesterday
For Uraeus
For family and friends
For peace
For love
Healing dream
The night before last I was feeling down. I went to sleep and had a dream I don't really get but I did feel lighter when I woke up. In the dream I was in church listening to the preacher speak. The preacher was a very tall Black man with a deep voice. He was talking about Amos. I don't know the story of Amos so I don't know the significance. But he kept mentioning him. I don't know if it was Amos or the preacher's soothing voice that had me feeling better the next morning but I am thankful for both.
Thursday, August 22, 2019
Developing
Vida and Charlotte are having problems in their relationship. They have been together for three years but Charlotte has only recently told her father about them.
Page (14)
Vida and Charlotte are quiet as they ride in the car. Charlotte is staring out the window as Vida drives.
"Hey, watch out! You almost hit that guy!"
"Babe, I got this. What's wrong with you? Why you so jumpy?" Vida asks.
"I'm not jumpy. The guy was crossing the street and you barely stopped. Are you high or something?" Charlotte is clearly upset and they both know it is not just about the guy crossing the street.
"I'm not high. What the fuck? You been acting quiet and irritated since this morning. I do something?"
"Everything's not about you, Vida. Besides, I'm not irritated. I'm a little bothered that I'm running late for work. I can't be late. I was late yesterday. Fucking Brian watching every move I make." Charlotte lights a cigarette and starts to smoke it as she rolls down the window and cuts the ac off.
"I prefer the ac. You know I hate it when you smoke in my car. And Brian? Brian is your boss now?" Vida gets on the 405 northbound headed to A Safe Place, a home for developmentally disabled adults in Culver City.
"No but he thinks he is. Since Rita quit we're the only two staff in the house so of course that means I'm doing all the work and he's doing all the directing." She blows another puff of smoke out the window then throws the cigarette outside.
"You gotta say something to your supervisor or something. Look at you. You all uptight. You can't work like this. You not even gonna be that late."
"V, late is late! Just drive ok? It's not you...it's just...It's not you. It's nothing. Let's just get there." Charlotte turns the radio up and closes her eyes.
"Hey, watch out! You almost hit that guy!"
"Babe, I got this. What's wrong with you? Why you so jumpy?" Vida asks.
"I'm not jumpy. The guy was crossing the street and you barely stopped. Are you high or something?" Charlotte is clearly upset and they both know it is not just about the guy crossing the street.
"I'm not high. What the fuck? You been acting quiet and irritated since this morning. I do something?"
"Everything's not about you, Vida. Besides, I'm not irritated. I'm a little bothered that I'm running late for work. I can't be late. I was late yesterday. Fucking Brian watching every move I make." Charlotte lights a cigarette and starts to smoke it as she rolls down the window and cuts the ac off.
"I prefer the ac. You know I hate it when you smoke in my car. And Brian? Brian is your boss now?" Vida gets on the 405 northbound headed to A Safe Place, a home for developmentally disabled adults in Culver City.
"No but he thinks he is. Since Rita quit we're the only two staff in the house so of course that means I'm doing all the work and he's doing all the directing." She blows another puff of smoke out the window then throws the cigarette outside.
"You gotta say something to your supervisor or something. Look at you. You all uptight. You can't work like this. You not even gonna be that late."
"V, late is late! Just drive ok? It's not you...it's just...It's not you. It's nothing. Let's just get there." Charlotte turns the radio up and closes her eyes.
ugly
about time time i handed him the hot mug of tea without a napkin
not like i wanted his hand to burn not like i cared if it did
about the sex i had with a husband who wasn't mine
like my freedom meant we were both free
about driving across the 10 after too many glasses of wine
like i get to play with someone else's life
i know there is always a way to let go my pain without causing another scar
i know that i have done things that i cannot just sorry away
but i am
about things i am not ready enough to say in a poem
because words
because what are words
because words will be spoken over my ashes
words about the angel you made me out to be
but none of us are perfect baby
especially not me
not like i wanted his hand to burn not like i cared if it did
about the sex i had with a husband who wasn't mine
like my freedom meant we were both free
about driving across the 10 after too many glasses of wine
like i get to play with someone else's life
i know there is always a way to let go my pain without causing another scar
i know that i have done things that i cannot just sorry away
but i am
about things i am not ready enough to say in a poem
because words
because what are words
because words will be spoken over my ashes
words about the angel you made me out to be
but none of us are perfect baby
especially not me
Home is gold - blitz poem
Love a woman
Love a home
Home not for sale
Home houses joy
Joy is motto
Joy is normal
Normal like Black folks
Normal every day
Day we push
Day we pull
Pull covers at night
Pull dreams through sleep
Sleep under roof
Sleep under stars
Stars guide the way
Stars light the path
Path to freedom
Path to understanding
Understanding is key
Understanding is wealth
Wealth builds more homes
Wealth builds nations
Nations for us
Nations we own
Own ourselves
Own our minds
Minds are free
Minds are power
Power is practiced
Power is forever
Forever is heaven
Forever is endless time
Time is always
Time is now
Now is eternal
Now is the moment
Moment is standing
Moment is fluid
Fluid like running
Fluid like water
Water is free
Water is life
Life continues
Life changes
Changes are necessary
Changes are gold
Gold is currency
Gold is precious
Precious
Love a home
Home not for sale
Home houses joy
Joy is motto
Joy is normal
Normal like Black folks
Normal every day
Day we push
Day we pull
Pull covers at night
Pull dreams through sleep
Sleep under roof
Sleep under stars
Stars guide the way
Stars light the path
Path to freedom
Path to understanding
Understanding is key
Understanding is wealth
Wealth builds more homes
Wealth builds nations
Nations for us
Nations we own
Own ourselves
Own our minds
Minds are free
Minds are power
Power is practiced
Power is forever
Forever is heaven
Forever is endless time
Time is always
Time is now
Now is eternal
Now is the moment
Moment is standing
Moment is fluid
Fluid like running
Fluid like water
Water is free
Water is life
Life continues
Life changes
Changes are necessary
Changes are gold
Gold is currency
Gold is precious
Precious
The RAINFOREST though?!
The Amazon rainforest is on fire and it's hardly being reported! What kind of world is this?
Art show Saturday!
Hey Southern California! I'm having an art show this Saturday from 12pm - 3pm at 28353 Willow Canyon Court, Santa Clarita, CA 91390. I'll be showing and selling art with three other women. Come check us out!
Gratitude
I am thankful for waking up this morning
Thankful for a good dream - something about a preacher and a really good sermon
Thankful for Uraeus
For family and friends
For writing today
For love
Thankful for a good dream - something about a preacher and a really good sermon
Thankful for Uraeus
For family and friends
For writing today
For love
My journey through depression
It's 7:00am and I am at home. At the place I am calling home right now. It's temporary. Isn't everything temporary? That's the good thing about people who live with depression, we know it's all temporary. Right now I'm sitting on the couch in the living room. The sun is shining through the blinds reminding me that I am still here. I can see the dining table and the open kitchen. I see the plants and the coffee table and television and rug. There is a sliding glass door to the backyard. To my left there is the living room (the other living room, the one no one goes in) and front door. There is a hallway leading to the restrooms and laundry room and bedrooms. Oh yeah, there is a refrigerator and a pantry in the kitchen filled with good food. I'm in my cousin's house. I have family. I have food and work and friends and talent and some money on my EBT card. The guy at the gas station even said I was beautiful. Heeeyyyy! All this to say that yes, I am blessed. What does that even mean though? Blessed. Is it like lucky? Is it like favored? Because I don't think I'm favored or lucky. I'm certainly not "too blessed to be stressed." I'm like other human beings on the planet. I'm like the animals too. I'm like the butterfly and the lizard and the trees. I'm here, in this incarnation learning and giving what there is to learn and give. And with everything I have I still live with it. The monster in my head. That thing called depression.
Some people call it a flood. I guess it is kind of like drowning. Only kind of. Because the sinking is slower. The going under is almost invisible to others. Some see, but they don't know what they're looking at. They don't know if it's real so sometimes they convince themselves it's not really happening. Or if it is happening, it's not that bad or it will go away or you or I will go away. Whatever. But it will be gone and they can go about their lives and marriages and promotions and cable bills like a great storm, a great drowning, like an incredible sinking didn't happen and take us with it. I don't call it a flood because people live like if it's not Katrina, if it's not New Orleans, if it's not 2005, then it's not that bad. Your thing, my thing is not that bad because it's invisible. Like, so stop bothering the rest of the world with it. I hate that. I do. I hate it when people list how hard they have it dealing with some medical condition and then tell you see, see THIS is bad. THIS is hard. THIS is a bad day. If you can't sit yours next to THIS and compare it then yours is not bad. Like these pills won't go down. Like jumping off a bridge won't kill me. Like I haven't picked one out. Like I don't live with voices telling me how worthless I am double dog daring me to just do it. Like I don't ignore them and put on a happy face to make you smile. Like my blues ain't blue. I don't say your thing ain't a real thing with edges and teeth and a throat. That it ain't that bad. Just because you can't see mine don't tell me my thing ain't a thing with toenails that poke. A thing with sticks and stones. I'm getting mad all over. Anyway, I don't call it a flood ok. I call it a cloud. More like, clouds. They come out of nowhere. They are a summer rain in Georgia. They come stealth as a hungry cat. They are as unapologetic as a good cussin' out. One minute I'm living my life, minding my own black business and the next I can't find the sun. Or feel my feet. Like I'm walking through mud. I'm never surprised though. I know it's coming. It's like having a menstrual cycle, when I had a menstrual cycle. There were those awful days when I would vomit everywhere and the cramps I thought (and wished) would just kill me. The heavy bleeding for about a week. Then just like that, I could wear white pants again. But I knew not to get too comfortable because Mary was coming back. Same here, except not every twenty-eight days. Except no blood or vomit. Except nothing a doctor could put her finger on. Except not something that would go away in my forties, shout out to early menopause.
There are triggers. There are things I know will make the clouds come quicker. I avoid the ones I can but some are impossible to avoid so I deal the best I can. Big triggers for me are jobs where I have to clock in and I have a boss and coworkers standing over me monitoring my every move. I have never been able to be successful in those types of environments. I need breaks that last longer than fifteen minutes. I need more than one lunch. I need to not have to operate a copy machine. I need to wear jumpers and sandals. I have insomnia so I need to not have to be there at eight. I need privacy while I'm dealing with these fucking clouds and all that they bring. The tears I can't control or explain. The need to sit for a minute, or however long it takes. The need for space to just...be, without eyes on me, without customers complaining. Thankfully I have some talent as a writer and painter and I have enough love and patience to be a caregiver. Even living as an artist I have my days when dealing in this world is a hard thing for me. The world I live in has an effect on me and this place is fucked up. Even as a caregiver I have to do it on my terms. I have my own clients who I get through word of mouth. I can't work with agencies for so many reasons. Note to self, write that piece on home health agencies. So work is a trigger so I'm careful about the work I take.
Then there are relationships. There are many kinds of relationships and the ones that matter take work. For me the trick has been finding that person I'm willing to do the work with and that person willing to do the work with me. The work work though. Not trying to fix me and getting mad when the fixes don't work. Not expecting me to be the kind of normal that exists in their heads. About twenty years ago I dated this guy and during our break up conversation we were sitting at our (at his, everything was his and he let me know it) kitchen table and I was telling him that the relationship was unhealthy for me. That, by the way, was the nicest way I have ever broken up with a man. Anyway, he told me that it wasn't that the relationship was unhealthy for me but I was leaving because I was a "runner." Because like, clearly I need a motherfucker mansplaining why I was leaving his toxic ass. After that conversation I did leave. I had given it a go for over a year and I couldn't do it (or him) anymore. To some level he was right though. I do run when it gets unhealthy for me. And I'm proud of that. The other option is to what? Die there pretending to be happy? Fuck that. Deuces. With romantic relationships I just leave. With family I mostly shut down. It takes me a really long time though with family because to me, family is worth it the time. I spend years trying to communicate and change and accept and be nice and the whole fucking nine. At some point though it starts to feel like I'm auditioning for love and acceptance I'm never going to get. Some people will have perceptions about me I can't do anything about. So I stop. I continue to love. But I stop the dance. All that dancing and movement is fodder for the voices in my head that have their own fingers to point at me about how ain't shit I am. You think I need more? You think I should stick around? Running has saved my life as good as God.
Triggers are all around. Relationships, work, family, food. Yes food too because eating healthy food is important for good mental health. Also, McDonald's has a dollar menu and jammin' sweet tea and Whole Foods does not. So there's that. Exercise is important too. But there is also a lot of not exercising because believe me, taking a shower feels impossible when I'm depressed so the energy to walk or jog is like... The biggest trigger, the one I can't avoid, is being while Black. Fucking being Black while anything. Being a mother, American, artist, shopper at Ralph's Market, sitter on a park bench, driver, news watcher, airline passenger, patient in a hospital, name it. All the looks. The eyes watching to see WHEN you fuck up, because buddy, you're GONNA fuck up. Even if they have to make that shit up. Beckys are all around. Beckys send me spiraling. And I'm the one they love to hate. All this bass. This weight. This height. This ring in my nose. This hair all crunchy and graying. This handsome face of mine. All this attitude that say I been done had enough. Please. Think I ain't wo out just living a regular ass day? Add the clouds to that I can barely even breathe.
First time I remember the clouds coming I was in early middle school. We called it junior high back then. I was home and I went in my sister's room and I asked her if she ever got sad for no reason. That was me, trying to reach out. Trying to find words for the clouds. I was a child trying to explain something I still don't have words for. All these years later I still ain't got more than just...clouds. I don't remember my sister's response. She's four years younger than I so I don't think she understood. I don't know if she understands now. It is hard to to tell my family that months go by with me thinking about killing myself every day. That would be hard for me to hear. I don't have the experience with my family that they know how to deal with that side of me. It's just easier for me and them if I come around when I have a happy face to put on. The truth is that it's not easier for me. When I'm down they are the people I want to be around. I want to be able to explain what I'm feeling. I can't though. Not in words that make sense. Not in ways I feel they will understand. I know they love me and they want to see me happy and maybe it's frustrating that there is no easy fix. If there is a fix at all. My official diagnosis is bipolar 1 so in addition to the crippling depression I also have manic episodes. If you thought I was bad at explaining depression wait until you hear me Forest Gump my way through the mania. I have had manic episodes with my family but they didn't know what was going on. I didn't either through some of them. I am most afraid of those episodes. I'll take the depression any day over that. During manic spells I'm loud and I go too far. Too far with everything, with the joke (because sometimes I'm funny as hell during an episode), with the tears, with my body movements, with my words (I say things I can't take back). During these spells I try to be alone. I'm not physically violent but I do cause harm. So when I can, I isolate myself. And then I crash. And then I'm in an even deeper depression. A place darker than the clouds. I don't trust myself around my meds when I'm like that. I don't trust myself to not take all of the pills. I will admit here, because many have stopped reading by now, that I have taken too many pills before. Too many like I don't know how many. Obviously I woke up but like a whole day later. I missed a whole day. This happened when I was living out in Pomona. I stopped taking my meds shortly after that. Haven't been back on them since. Which brings me here, sitting on my cousin's couch fighting through another depression cycle. I don't look like it. I rarely look like it. Shit, I'm Ja Muthafuckin' ha! I stay fly.
I don't know what triggered this bout of depression. I'm going on a couple of months without my meds. I have never successfully gone that long without meds since I've been on them. You're gonna laugh but, I dunno, I thought I had wished or prayed hard enough that the clouds were gone forever. When they didn't come back after a week and then a month and then a couple more weeks I was like, bet! I was walking around here like I cured cancer. Then that feeling came. That sinking feeling that has me relate to other depressed people who call their depression a flood. Then it kept getting darker and I knew. I'm not at a place right now where voices nag me. I'm not feeling suicidal. And let me say here, that me feeling suicidal has never been about me wanting to die. I don't want to die. I just didn't and don't want to live in that kind of pain. I don't want to live with my brain pushing me to harm myself. I don't want to live my life crying uncontrollably. I don't want to feel like America's next Ninga because I took a shower or brushed my teeth. I've never dreamt or expected life to be easy but not like that either. So hear me, I don't want to die. I just want to live differently.
You know, when I think about it, maybe I have been jumping over landmines I just didn't want to see or accept that they were big enough to be dangerous. Tuesday after next I turn fifty years old. I didn't think I would see this birthday. Officially I haven't seen it yet but I didn't think I would get this close. When my son and I were out in Pomona it was a dangerous time for me emotionally. The voices, the thoughts, the clouds, everything. It was hard. I even felt like my own doctor had given up on me. The psychiatrist I was seeing had given me all the pills he could and they just weren't working. Finally he told me that I should have electric shock therapy. Like I'm really going to do that. I stopped going. The medical facility never called back. Maybe they were glad to be rid of me. When I decided to stop taking my meds a part of me thought that I would just...be gone. Then something happened. Somehow I started getting better. Feeling lighter. The house we were renting was sold and we had to move but that wasn't even a blow to me because for the first time in a long time I felt alive and normal and free. We were living in motels paying rent by the week. I was hustling art and poetry and taking care of old people. I don't know how we were making it but we were. We always had money. We always had food. We were always in a safe and clean spot. I had been having trouble paying rent by the month and somehow I was paying by the week. A lot was going on. But the clouds were gone and I wasn't on meds. I fought through clouds and dark thoughts about not making it to my birthday and I'm almost there. Maybe that was a trigger. I was driving a while back and I made a call on my cell and got pulled over. I couldn't afford the ticket and so my license got suspended. That's a current trigger especially now. I'm living in Palmdale and working in Los Angeles. The commute is about an hour and twenty minutes away one way. Then driving around in the city is stressful and cops are everywhere. That's stressful. When Uraeus was younger he lived some time with his dad and I had to pay child support. I was barely making it and fell way behind. I still owe. Yeah, it's my duty and I'm gonna take care of it one day but these days I'm choosing between food and gas and rent and back child support. What you think I'm paying? So when the cops are behind me I don't know if a stop is going to land me with a bigger fine, the car taken or jail. So yep, I'm a little stressed. Thankfully now we are staying with my cousin but I still gotta get a place. It's easier for me to live in L.A. because most of my life and work are there but getting into a place without paperwork that says I make three times the rent is challenging. To say the least. Triggers abound.
I'm gonna make it, y'all. Watch me make it. Making it for me looks like getting into another mental health facility. Back in therapy. If I can avoid staying off meds I will. Maybe there is some natural path for me. If not, I ain't scared of going back on them. Mostly I want to help my son get situated. He had to stop working when we left Pomona and he's looking for a job now. He's super smart and mad funny and the best young man I know. Helping him get straight is a huge goal. That and staying sane. So, my day is passing me by and I'm still on this couch writing through these clouds. They will clear. I know they will. Pray with me. I'm going to have a good day. I am determined to. I hope you have one too.
Some people call it a flood. I guess it is kind of like drowning. Only kind of. Because the sinking is slower. The going under is almost invisible to others. Some see, but they don't know what they're looking at. They don't know if it's real so sometimes they convince themselves it's not really happening. Or if it is happening, it's not that bad or it will go away or you or I will go away. Whatever. But it will be gone and they can go about their lives and marriages and promotions and cable bills like a great storm, a great drowning, like an incredible sinking didn't happen and take us with it. I don't call it a flood because people live like if it's not Katrina, if it's not New Orleans, if it's not 2005, then it's not that bad. Your thing, my thing is not that bad because it's invisible. Like, so stop bothering the rest of the world with it. I hate that. I do. I hate it when people list how hard they have it dealing with some medical condition and then tell you see, see THIS is bad. THIS is hard. THIS is a bad day. If you can't sit yours next to THIS and compare it then yours is not bad. Like these pills won't go down. Like jumping off a bridge won't kill me. Like I haven't picked one out. Like I don't live with voices telling me how worthless I am double dog daring me to just do it. Like I don't ignore them and put on a happy face to make you smile. Like my blues ain't blue. I don't say your thing ain't a real thing with edges and teeth and a throat. That it ain't that bad. Just because you can't see mine don't tell me my thing ain't a thing with toenails that poke. A thing with sticks and stones. I'm getting mad all over. Anyway, I don't call it a flood ok. I call it a cloud. More like, clouds. They come out of nowhere. They are a summer rain in Georgia. They come stealth as a hungry cat. They are as unapologetic as a good cussin' out. One minute I'm living my life, minding my own black business and the next I can't find the sun. Or feel my feet. Like I'm walking through mud. I'm never surprised though. I know it's coming. It's like having a menstrual cycle, when I had a menstrual cycle. There were those awful days when I would vomit everywhere and the cramps I thought (and wished) would just kill me. The heavy bleeding for about a week. Then just like that, I could wear white pants again. But I knew not to get too comfortable because Mary was coming back. Same here, except not every twenty-eight days. Except no blood or vomit. Except nothing a doctor could put her finger on. Except not something that would go away in my forties, shout out to early menopause.
There are triggers. There are things I know will make the clouds come quicker. I avoid the ones I can but some are impossible to avoid so I deal the best I can. Big triggers for me are jobs where I have to clock in and I have a boss and coworkers standing over me monitoring my every move. I have never been able to be successful in those types of environments. I need breaks that last longer than fifteen minutes. I need more than one lunch. I need to not have to operate a copy machine. I need to wear jumpers and sandals. I have insomnia so I need to not have to be there at eight. I need privacy while I'm dealing with these fucking clouds and all that they bring. The tears I can't control or explain. The need to sit for a minute, or however long it takes. The need for space to just...be, without eyes on me, without customers complaining. Thankfully I have some talent as a writer and painter and I have enough love and patience to be a caregiver. Even living as an artist I have my days when dealing in this world is a hard thing for me. The world I live in has an effect on me and this place is fucked up. Even as a caregiver I have to do it on my terms. I have my own clients who I get through word of mouth. I can't work with agencies for so many reasons. Note to self, write that piece on home health agencies. So work is a trigger so I'm careful about the work I take.
Then there are relationships. There are many kinds of relationships and the ones that matter take work. For me the trick has been finding that person I'm willing to do the work with and that person willing to do the work with me. The work work though. Not trying to fix me and getting mad when the fixes don't work. Not expecting me to be the kind of normal that exists in their heads. About twenty years ago I dated this guy and during our break up conversation we were sitting at our (at his, everything was his and he let me know it) kitchen table and I was telling him that the relationship was unhealthy for me. That, by the way, was the nicest way I have ever broken up with a man. Anyway, he told me that it wasn't that the relationship was unhealthy for me but I was leaving because I was a "runner." Because like, clearly I need a motherfucker mansplaining why I was leaving his toxic ass. After that conversation I did leave. I had given it a go for over a year and I couldn't do it (or him) anymore. To some level he was right though. I do run when it gets unhealthy for me. And I'm proud of that. The other option is to what? Die there pretending to be happy? Fuck that. Deuces. With romantic relationships I just leave. With family I mostly shut down. It takes me a really long time though with family because to me, family is worth it the time. I spend years trying to communicate and change and accept and be nice and the whole fucking nine. At some point though it starts to feel like I'm auditioning for love and acceptance I'm never going to get. Some people will have perceptions about me I can't do anything about. So I stop. I continue to love. But I stop the dance. All that dancing and movement is fodder for the voices in my head that have their own fingers to point at me about how ain't shit I am. You think I need more? You think I should stick around? Running has saved my life as good as God.
Triggers are all around. Relationships, work, family, food. Yes food too because eating healthy food is important for good mental health. Also, McDonald's has a dollar menu and jammin' sweet tea and Whole Foods does not. So there's that. Exercise is important too. But there is also a lot of not exercising because believe me, taking a shower feels impossible when I'm depressed so the energy to walk or jog is like... The biggest trigger, the one I can't avoid, is being while Black. Fucking being Black while anything. Being a mother, American, artist, shopper at Ralph's Market, sitter on a park bench, driver, news watcher, airline passenger, patient in a hospital, name it. All the looks. The eyes watching to see WHEN you fuck up, because buddy, you're GONNA fuck up. Even if they have to make that shit up. Beckys are all around. Beckys send me spiraling. And I'm the one they love to hate. All this bass. This weight. This height. This ring in my nose. This hair all crunchy and graying. This handsome face of mine. All this attitude that say I been done had enough. Please. Think I ain't wo out just living a regular ass day? Add the clouds to that I can barely even breathe.
First time I remember the clouds coming I was in early middle school. We called it junior high back then. I was home and I went in my sister's room and I asked her if she ever got sad for no reason. That was me, trying to reach out. Trying to find words for the clouds. I was a child trying to explain something I still don't have words for. All these years later I still ain't got more than just...clouds. I don't remember my sister's response. She's four years younger than I so I don't think she understood. I don't know if she understands now. It is hard to to tell my family that months go by with me thinking about killing myself every day. That would be hard for me to hear. I don't have the experience with my family that they know how to deal with that side of me. It's just easier for me and them if I come around when I have a happy face to put on. The truth is that it's not easier for me. When I'm down they are the people I want to be around. I want to be able to explain what I'm feeling. I can't though. Not in words that make sense. Not in ways I feel they will understand. I know they love me and they want to see me happy and maybe it's frustrating that there is no easy fix. If there is a fix at all. My official diagnosis is bipolar 1 so in addition to the crippling depression I also have manic episodes. If you thought I was bad at explaining depression wait until you hear me Forest Gump my way through the mania. I have had manic episodes with my family but they didn't know what was going on. I didn't either through some of them. I am most afraid of those episodes. I'll take the depression any day over that. During manic spells I'm loud and I go too far. Too far with everything, with the joke (because sometimes I'm funny as hell during an episode), with the tears, with my body movements, with my words (I say things I can't take back). During these spells I try to be alone. I'm not physically violent but I do cause harm. So when I can, I isolate myself. And then I crash. And then I'm in an even deeper depression. A place darker than the clouds. I don't trust myself around my meds when I'm like that. I don't trust myself to not take all of the pills. I will admit here, because many have stopped reading by now, that I have taken too many pills before. Too many like I don't know how many. Obviously I woke up but like a whole day later. I missed a whole day. This happened when I was living out in Pomona. I stopped taking my meds shortly after that. Haven't been back on them since. Which brings me here, sitting on my cousin's couch fighting through another depression cycle. I don't look like it. I rarely look like it. Shit, I'm Ja Muthafuckin' ha! I stay fly.
I don't know what triggered this bout of depression. I'm going on a couple of months without my meds. I have never successfully gone that long without meds since I've been on them. You're gonna laugh but, I dunno, I thought I had wished or prayed hard enough that the clouds were gone forever. When they didn't come back after a week and then a month and then a couple more weeks I was like, bet! I was walking around here like I cured cancer. Then that feeling came. That sinking feeling that has me relate to other depressed people who call their depression a flood. Then it kept getting darker and I knew. I'm not at a place right now where voices nag me. I'm not feeling suicidal. And let me say here, that me feeling suicidal has never been about me wanting to die. I don't want to die. I just didn't and don't want to live in that kind of pain. I don't want to live with my brain pushing me to harm myself. I don't want to live my life crying uncontrollably. I don't want to feel like America's next Ninga because I took a shower or brushed my teeth. I've never dreamt or expected life to be easy but not like that either. So hear me, I don't want to die. I just want to live differently.
You know, when I think about it, maybe I have been jumping over landmines I just didn't want to see or accept that they were big enough to be dangerous. Tuesday after next I turn fifty years old. I didn't think I would see this birthday. Officially I haven't seen it yet but I didn't think I would get this close. When my son and I were out in Pomona it was a dangerous time for me emotionally. The voices, the thoughts, the clouds, everything. It was hard. I even felt like my own doctor had given up on me. The psychiatrist I was seeing had given me all the pills he could and they just weren't working. Finally he told me that I should have electric shock therapy. Like I'm really going to do that. I stopped going. The medical facility never called back. Maybe they were glad to be rid of me. When I decided to stop taking my meds a part of me thought that I would just...be gone. Then something happened. Somehow I started getting better. Feeling lighter. The house we were renting was sold and we had to move but that wasn't even a blow to me because for the first time in a long time I felt alive and normal and free. We were living in motels paying rent by the week. I was hustling art and poetry and taking care of old people. I don't know how we were making it but we were. We always had money. We always had food. We were always in a safe and clean spot. I had been having trouble paying rent by the month and somehow I was paying by the week. A lot was going on. But the clouds were gone and I wasn't on meds. I fought through clouds and dark thoughts about not making it to my birthday and I'm almost there. Maybe that was a trigger. I was driving a while back and I made a call on my cell and got pulled over. I couldn't afford the ticket and so my license got suspended. That's a current trigger especially now. I'm living in Palmdale and working in Los Angeles. The commute is about an hour and twenty minutes away one way. Then driving around in the city is stressful and cops are everywhere. That's stressful. When Uraeus was younger he lived some time with his dad and I had to pay child support. I was barely making it and fell way behind. I still owe. Yeah, it's my duty and I'm gonna take care of it one day but these days I'm choosing between food and gas and rent and back child support. What you think I'm paying? So when the cops are behind me I don't know if a stop is going to land me with a bigger fine, the car taken or jail. So yep, I'm a little stressed. Thankfully now we are staying with my cousin but I still gotta get a place. It's easier for me to live in L.A. because most of my life and work are there but getting into a place without paperwork that says I make three times the rent is challenging. To say the least. Triggers abound.
I'm gonna make it, y'all. Watch me make it. Making it for me looks like getting into another mental health facility. Back in therapy. If I can avoid staying off meds I will. Maybe there is some natural path for me. If not, I ain't scared of going back on them. Mostly I want to help my son get situated. He had to stop working when we left Pomona and he's looking for a job now. He's super smart and mad funny and the best young man I know. Helping him get straight is a huge goal. That and staying sane. So, my day is passing me by and I'm still on this couch writing through these clouds. They will clear. I know they will. Pray with me. I'm going to have a good day. I am determined to. I hope you have one too.
Wednesday, August 21, 2019
Sitting today
9:45am. Palmdale. No appetite today. For some reason the thought of food makes me gag. Especially food I used to enjoy the most. Eggs. I've always loved egg sandwiches. Last week at my client's home I made one for myself and the smell and taste made me nauseous. I could barely finish it. Yesterday I made some noodles and the after taste was horrible. I've been drinking water. Maybe today I'll have fruit.
I have an art show on Saturday but I have no energy to work on more art. Or write. Or walk. Or anything really. I was crying uncontrollably yesterday and thankfully that has stopped, or at least paused.
I have a busy week scheduled for next week with clients. I'll be doing overnights with one client almost every day in addition to my regular day shifts with him. I'm trying to rest and mentally prepare for that. I just feel...down. I feel low.
When I can do it I'm going to go to another mental health facility. I don't want to go back to the one I had been going to. I felt unsupported by the case worker and doctor I had. I went through the process of changing doctors years ago and I don't want to do it again. I just want a change. I found a 24 hour facility in the valley I think I will go to. Not now though. Now I am going to sit on this couch until I can gather enough energy to take a shower. Have a good day. Really. Really try.
I have an art show on Saturday but I have no energy to work on more art. Or write. Or walk. Or anything really. I was crying uncontrollably yesterday and thankfully that has stopped, or at least paused.
I have a busy week scheduled for next week with clients. I'll be doing overnights with one client almost every day in addition to my regular day shifts with him. I'm trying to rest and mentally prepare for that. I just feel...down. I feel low.
When I can do it I'm going to go to another mental health facility. I don't want to go back to the one I had been going to. I felt unsupported by the case worker and doctor I had. I went through the process of changing doctors years ago and I don't want to do it again. I just want a change. I found a 24 hour facility in the valley I think I will go to. Not now though. Now I am going to sit on this couch until I can gather enough energy to take a shower. Have a good day. Really. Really try.
Tuesday, August 20, 2019
Return
They're back. Clouds are back. Thoughts. Been off my meds too long. Hoped I had wished them away. Don't feel like doing anything. Not even this. Not even this. Not posting on this blog. I will when I can though.
Sunday, August 18, 2019
Through it all
I'm keeping one foot in front of the other. Not going to let disappointing news disappoint me. Staying faithful.
Work. Peace. Grandma.
12:10pm. Inglewood. I'm at work right now. My client is still sleeping. I hope we have a good day together. Thankfully I had a good rest last night at Dietra's. We got up this morning to change Grandma and noticed new bed sores. She refuses to get out of bed and screams every time we come close to touch her. She's in home hospice care and so the hospital is little to no help. They aren't even offering Dietra respit care. They said she doesn't qualify which is crazy. There's no way she should be expected to do all that work on her own. I'm going to stay there again tonight so I can help get her off to the senior center in the morning. Unfortunately she's going to have to go because D has to work. I really feel for Dietra because being the primary caregiver for a loved one and having a full time job is a whole lot. Send prayers.
As for me today I'm taking life one step at a time. Remembering to be thankful for what I have. Saying all the positive stuff I can to myself to keep my mind good. Gonna try to make it a good day today. Hope you do the same.
As for me today I'm taking life one step at a time. Remembering to be thankful for what I have. Saying all the positive stuff I can to myself to keep my mind good. Gonna try to make it a good day today. Hope you do the same.
Gratitude
I am thankful for waking up today
Thankful for a good rest last night
For friends and family
Uraeus
Dietra
For peace and ease in my head
Thankful for a good rest last night
For friends and family
Uraeus
Dietra
For peace and ease in my head
Saturday, August 17, 2019
Back. Netflix. Clouds.
6:13pm. Inglewood. I'm at work right now. Wanted to be sure to post today because I didn't yesterday. I didn't even post a gratitude log and that's not like me. I was at Dietra's yesterday taking care of her grandmother and didn't feel like doing anything extra. For most of the day I was on Netflix. I'm feeling a little blah today. Trying to fight it. Trying not to be down. Afraid of a depressive episode. Not sure if it's depression creeping or real life going on to be down about. That's why I post a gratitude log every day. To remind myself that there is good going on too. That's what I'm going to keep in my mind today. The good going on too. I'm about to get back to work. Gonna make it a great night. I hope you have one too.
Gratitude
I am thankful for this day
Thankful for work
For friends and family
Thankful for Uraeus
For knowing God has a plan for my life
For good health
Thankful for work
For friends and family
Thankful for Uraeus
For knowing God has a plan for my life
For good health
Friday, August 16, 2019
Thursday, August 15, 2019
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