Black ass poems. Black ass stories. Black ass art. Black ass life. Black ass love. Black ass hate. Black ass parenting. Black ass depression. Black ass mania. And other stuff too.
Friday, November 29, 2019
On the hustle
Did an overnight last night with a client. Taking Uraeus to work. Dropping off a sold painting. Doing another overnight with the same client tonight. Unfortunately I might have to miss another client's funeral tomorrow. And she was much more than a client. It was Grandma, Dietra's grandmother. It hurt me to tell D that I won't make it. I will be working tomorrow. The broker said the rental office was closed so I won't have an answer until Monday. At this point I'm ok either way. Of course I want the place but if they say no then we won't be worse than we were before. If they say yes I'll have to come up with a boatload of money. Actually I'll have to have it before then because I have to be ready at the moment if they do agree. I have some but not all yet. I'll be working on it while I'm at work tonight. Wish me well.
Love yourselves
Love yourselves
Gratitude
I am thankful for this day
This dark early morning
This 3:00 hour
This writer's hour
This worshiper's hour
This rent payer's hour
Thankful for friends
For family
For art
Words
For poems that remind me to love
That won't let me forget
I am thankful for ease and grace
Thankful for thankful
This dark early morning
This 3:00 hour
This writer's hour
This worshiper's hour
This rent payer's hour
Thankful for friends
For family
For art
Words
For poems that remind me to love
That won't let me forget
I am thankful for ease and grace
Thankful for thankful
Pistol
when the cop pulled up next to me at the light i looked over at him / next thing i knew / lights flashed behind me / is my tail light out officer / what i do wrong sir / he said i looked at him at the light / looked at you / he said my eye contact made me suspicious / i am a suspicious black woman driving alone at night / my brown eyes looking into his blues / so glad i didn't smile and show my teeth / glad i didn't wave / might have thought i was raising a power fist / a weapon / might have thought i was a terrorist / don't know why i didn't know better / who i think i am / looking at a white man / a cop no less / ain't i got no better sense / ain't i learned nothing from n.w.a. / don't i watch the news / don't i know this body of mine / a threat
Wednesday, November 27, 2019
Application submitted. Praying. Money.
Sat for hours in the broker's office yesterday getting my paperwork together. I am always nervous around money paperwork. Same feeling when I'm buying a car. But this is not about a car. This is about a home. A place for us to live. To be. Tired of the motels at $100 a night. Thankful though for the blessing of $100 a night. I like the place we are applying to rent. Right in my budget. Way less than $100 a night. Plenty of space. Space for Uraeus. Space for me. Space in the kitchen. Space to park. Space to breathe. My commitment to broker is to move in on December 1. That December 1. The one four days from now. Big money due. Praying big.
Gratitude
I am thankful for waking up this morning
Thankful for Uraeus
For friends and family
For the rain this morning
Peace in my head
Good health
Thankful for work today
For ease and joy
Thankful for Uraeus
For friends and family
For the rain this morning
Peace in my head
Good health
Thankful for work today
For ease and joy
Tuesday, November 26, 2019
Picked
i was never one of those women lucky with love / not that kind of love / you know the love / the love with fire tongues and rock fingers bold enough to hold / that sticky love with bodies that stay / i was always too happy to be chosen / never the chooser / always too ready to prove what a good friend i was / how understanding / see how much i can take / see how fast i forgive / don't you want a down ass bitch like me / too quick on the fuck / too ready with audition sex / you know the sex / see how long i can wait / for your call / for your feelings / look ma no hands / see how well i ride a dick / don't you love me yet / you want me to scrub your toilet nice and clean / you want your name in a poem / yo mama need a ride somewhere / yo sister need a new homegirl / you let me know ok / you let me know / i was only four when i went down on the neighborhood boy / girl next door held my head / made it go up and down / i must have done a good job / way he came in my mouth / way she threatened if i told / i was groomed for you / preacher man stuck his tongue in my mouth / sunday after sunday / ain't i wife material yet / count it all joy / ain't that what the scripture say / you want to see me not talk back / eat all my food when you pay / when i said i had a headache and you said you didn't want to fuck my head anyway / didn't i grin a little like it was funny / don't you love me yet / yet / don't you know how tired i am / how retired i am / how out of the game i am / how ready i am to start a forever with / me
Still in motion
Leaving this motel. House sitting for a week. Submitting application for new place. Praying.
Gratitude
I am thankful for witnessing this early morning
For peace of mind
For Uraeus
For good health
Love
Friends
For peace of mind
For Uraeus
For good health
Love
Friends
Ever
He told his friend that he could never marry a woman like me and at first I was all in my feelings then I was like wait..he's right. He could never.
About women's bodies
I used to suffer from really painful menstrual cramps every month. Heavy vomiting, passing out over the toilet, nausea... I was in a relationship with a man who stood at the doorway of our bedroom and watched me lie curled up on the bed then said "It's not that your cramps are that bad. It's that you have such a low tolerance for pain." Seriously? Believe us when we tell you we are in pain.
Heart
We grieve all kinds of things. All kinds of people and ways. We grieve things we never had. We grieve deceased children's weddings and birthdays and graduations that will never happen. We grieve relationships that have ended. We grieve relationships that never were. It costs us nothing to be kind. Nothing to hold a hand. Nothing lift a head. To be a shoulder. To be someone's soft place to land.
Stay. On. The. Path.
Stay on the path
Stay on the path
Stay on the path
Stay on the path
Stay on the path
Stay on the path
Stay on the path
Stay on the path
Stay on the path
Stay on the path
Stay on the path
Stay on the path
Stay on the path
Bridge
The next step is not a landing. The next step is a bridge.
The next step is not a landing. The next step is a bridge.
The next step is not a landing. The next step is a bridge.
The next step is not a landing. The next step is a bridge.
The next step is not a landing. The next step is a bridge.
The next step is not a landing. The next step is a bridge.
The next step is not a landing. The next step is a bridge.
The next step is not a landing. The next step is a bridge.
The next step is not a landing. The next step is a bridge.
The next step is not a landing. The next step is a bridge.
The next step is not a landing. The next step is a bridge.
The next step is not a landing. The next step is a bridge.
The next step is not a landing. The next step is a bridge.
Now
I choose me
This mess of a me
This blessed of a me
Who been there since before but me
This relationship has been complicated
Has been rocks has been thorns
We been through the fire, baby
Has been the best of times
Has been some late night talks
Some long drives
Ain't nobody love me like I do
I stay holding on
I stay a cheerleader
I am the best comrade
I choose me
Over and over
This mess of a me
This blessed of a me
Who been there since before but me
This relationship has been complicated
Has been rocks has been thorns
We been through the fire, baby
Has been the best of times
Has been some late night talks
Some long drives
Ain't nobody love me like I do
I stay holding on
I stay a cheerleader
I am the best comrade
I choose me
Over and over
Days
when a prayer is out loud / when words so lava throat pushes out groans / because what are words to a god who holds the moon / what is pressure to a woman becoming a pearl / what dial measures this kind of wait / this kind of be still and know / this kind of baby hold on / when the mind wonders if god is actually through with you / what song then / when the body begins to long for a chariot to carry you home / when fingers flip through yesterdays in search of where it all went wrong / but you know this is not a punishment / you know god always got a plan / when the history books remind you the generations your grandmothers picked cotton / when you wonder how long oh lord / how long / when sky been dark so long day is only a story you heard / when rest is not for you / when you are anxiety's best braid / when there is no other option but to roll yourself up into a french twist and work your fingers to the nub / and you better look good doing it / when there are no ears for your woes / when you think you just might make it another day / when you have lunch at the bridge where you might jump / when you finish the lunch / when you drive away / when you live to see another night / when you have lorazepam and rat poison and whiskey in the glovebox / when a night will come when enough is enough / when you have given up hope of the bus coming for you / when you are moses only sent to lead the people / when the promised land is not for you / you flip the coin you have left / and tails / and tails
Breaking news
I am now welcoming unsolicited advice but you must first show receipts of contributing at least $750 per month for more than three months to my bills.
Dippin'
Haaaa! This man on the phone next to me just said "What you're saying to me is so bad it's not boo boo it's ba ba!" I don't know what that means but there are so many people I wish I could have said that to.
Heeeey
This older gentleman in Leimert Park just told me that I looked very admirable with my speckled face. Sir, thank you very much!
Sisters
Nailah Porter and Tchise Aje, I just want to publically say that I think the WORLD of you women. The way you enough me when I feel a bother to the world. The space you make for me in your listening. Way you sister me the days I feel most alone. You family me. You give me feeling when I would rather go numb inside. You laugh with me and hold tomorrow for me when today is too big for my carry. Thank you. For this next deep breath. For the dare to dream a future bigger than I know. For hands to hold. For the best ever greens and cornbread. Thank you. For the words you say to my face and the ones you speak behind my back. Thank you. For this got back. For being the safest place to land. Thank you for being exhausted Black women knowing another. Thank you. Thank you. For all the ways you are beautiful. Anyway.
Note to self
Stop auditioning for respect you are not going to get. You are fly as fuck and that is still true even if you are the only one to see it. You are on stage in a crowded room. There are people in the front row cheering you on. Stop performing for the people at the bar.
Dear Uraeus
I wish you a love that will reach into you
A love that longs to know you deeper than the dark of your dreams
I wish you a hand to hold
A fist that will break through generations of curses and spells
I wish you feet that will walk through mud
A smile to brighten your brickiest day
My love, may you know arms that embrace you so squeeze the most golden
pieces of you shine through to brighten both your paths
You deserve a love you cannot spell
Cannot define
Cannot say out loud
A love you will know when you taste it
May your love cherish the sound of your laughter
Your licorice skin and magnet heart
You pull out all the good stories
I wish you good stories
Good touches
Good whispers
Good secrets in the dark and early of day
I wish you day
Plenty of days
Plenty of time to water good dreams
I wish you dreams, Uraeus
Dreams that change the world we know
I wish that you know
That you hold and care and heal and create
Create air and space
Create good
Create a you
Like you
A love that longs to know you deeper than the dark of your dreams
I wish you a hand to hold
A fist that will break through generations of curses and spells
I wish you feet that will walk through mud
A smile to brighten your brickiest day
My love, may you know arms that embrace you so squeeze the most golden
pieces of you shine through to brighten both your paths
You deserve a love you cannot spell
Cannot define
Cannot say out loud
A love you will know when you taste it
May your love cherish the sound of your laughter
Your licorice skin and magnet heart
You pull out all the good stories
I wish you good stories
Good touches
Good whispers
Good secrets in the dark and early of day
I wish you day
Plenty of days
Plenty of time to water good dreams
I wish you dreams, Uraeus
Dreams that change the world we know
I wish that you know
That you hold and care and heal and create
Create air and space
Create good
Create a you
Like you
Thursday, November 14, 2019
Happy birthday, Uraeus!
Today is my son's birthday! He is hands down my absolute favorite person on the planet. I love him even more than I love myself. He is kind and gentle. He is super funny and affectionate. He is smart and generous and well read and a hard worker. I could go on about how much I love, respect and cherish him forever. Happy 22nd birthday, Uraeus! You are amazing!
Dear Uraeus
I wish you a love that will reach into you
A love that longs to know you deeper than the dark of your dreams
I wish you a hand to hold
A fist that will break through generations of curses and spells
I wish you feet that will walk through mud
A smile to lighten your brickiest day
My love, may you know arms that embrace you so squeeze the most golden pieces of you shine through to brighten both your paths
You deserve a love you cannot spell
Cannot define
Cannot say out loud
A love you will know when you taste it
May your love cherish the sound of your laughter
Your licorice skin and magnet heart you pull out all the good stories
I wish you good stories
Good touches
Good whispers
Good secrets in the dark and early of day
I wish you day
Plenty of days
Plenty of time to water good dreams
I wish you dreams, Uraeus
Dreams that change the world we know
I wish that you know
That you hold and care and heal and create
Create air and space
Create good
Create a you
Like you
A love that longs to know you deeper than the dark of your dreams
I wish you a hand to hold
A fist that will break through generations of curses and spells
I wish you feet that will walk through mud
A smile to lighten your brickiest day
My love, may you know arms that embrace you so squeeze the most golden pieces of you shine through to brighten both your paths
You deserve a love you cannot spell
Cannot define
Cannot say out loud
A love you will know when you taste it
May your love cherish the sound of your laughter
Your licorice skin and magnet heart you pull out all the good stories
I wish you good stories
Good touches
Good whispers
Good secrets in the dark and early of day
I wish you day
Plenty of days
Plenty of time to water good dreams
I wish you dreams, Uraeus
Dreams that change the world we know
I wish that you know
That you hold and care and heal and create
Create air and space
Create good
Create a you
Like you
Sunday, November 10, 2019
Also
I went to see another therapist. I like her so far. I meet the doctor later in the month. Right now I don't think I'm going to go back on my meds. Maybe I will but now I'm not feeling it. I have been self medicating lately on thc drops and wine. That's not necessarily my long term plan but it's helping right now.
Ok, for real now. I'm getting up.
Love yourselves
Ok, for real now. I'm getting up.
Love yourselves
Evening. Rest day.
5:49pm. Inglewood. I took Uraeus to work and then came home and took a nap. I needed that nap like nobody's business. Soon I will get up and run a quick errand and then pick Uraeus up from work. I had planned to vend art in Leimert Park today but I was just too tired. And I have a very busy week starting tomorrow so a nap was my choice today. I am never off on Sundays so I really wanted to see what it would be like selling my art down in the Village today but... It was a good rest day though. I was off yesterday also. I usually have a client I work with on weekends but the other caregiver traded days with me so I'll be with him tomorrow night overnight and Tuesday overnight as well. During the day on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday I will be with my client in Beverly Hills.
I opened my computer to write a poem. I stuttered through one but didn't like it. I'll try later. Posting in this blog every day is becoming challenging. Either it slips my mind or I don't want to talk about my life or anything for that matter. Like right now. Right now I don't feel like sharing but I don't want too many days to go by without posting.
I'm gonna get up now and head out. I hope you enjoy yourselves.
I opened my computer to write a poem. I stuttered through one but didn't like it. I'll try later. Posting in this blog every day is becoming challenging. Either it slips my mind or I don't want to talk about my life or anything for that matter. Like right now. Right now I don't feel like sharing but I don't want too many days to go by without posting.
I'm gonna get up now and head out. I hope you enjoy yourselves.
Tuesday, November 5, 2019
Black like me
I am a woman in the way
Loud, Black, angry, free and caged
Diagnosed and unmedicated
I have to watch my tone and dress
It is my fault if I am raped
Way this ass shakes
These titties bounce
Everyone knows I am a whore
Everyone knows I am nothing more than a good placeholder
Soon a pretty woman will come along
You can play in her hair
You can see through her skin
You will keep her nice and safe
Everyone knows what a good cook I am
House spotless I keep a house
Keep the children in line too
I stay up late at night
Always available and lucky to get your call
We can talk about racism all night long
Talk about Harriett and Malcolm
Talk about Trayvon and Sandra
Did you see the news today?
You see what they did?
Everyone knows I know all the news
Everyone knows I keep you laughing
Everyone knows I know my place
With my sensitive self
With my always taking things too personal self
With my extra self
My silly acting self
My attention seeking self
Everyone knows how emotional I am
Everyone knows how much attitude I have
Everyone knows Black women don't need as much love
Because we so strong
Because we so built to last
Because we gotta make it
Everyone knows it is best to put the bills in my name
Everyone knows I keep a few jobs
I keep a few extra dollars
I keep a dime in my purse
Everyone knows my money your money too
Everyone
Everyone
Everyone knows I entertain well
Can keep a smile on my face
A song in my throat
A dance between my toes
Everyone knows bruises don't show up on me
Everyone knows how well I take a punch
Everyone
Everyone
Including me
Loud, Black, angry, free and caged
Diagnosed and unmedicated
I have to watch my tone and dress
It is my fault if I am raped
Way this ass shakes
These titties bounce
Everyone knows I am a whore
Everyone knows I am nothing more than a good placeholder
Soon a pretty woman will come along
You can play in her hair
You can see through her skin
You will keep her nice and safe
Everyone knows what a good cook I am
House spotless I keep a house
Keep the children in line too
I stay up late at night
Always available and lucky to get your call
We can talk about racism all night long
Talk about Harriett and Malcolm
Talk about Trayvon and Sandra
Did you see the news today?
You see what they did?
Everyone knows I know all the news
Everyone knows I keep you laughing
Everyone knows I know my place
With my sensitive self
With my always taking things too personal self
With my extra self
My silly acting self
My attention seeking self
Everyone knows how emotional I am
Everyone knows how much attitude I have
Everyone knows Black women don't need as much love
Because we so strong
Because we so built to last
Because we gotta make it
Everyone knows it is best to put the bills in my name
Everyone knows I keep a few jobs
I keep a few extra dollars
I keep a dime in my purse
Everyone knows my money your money too
Everyone
Everyone
Everyone knows I entertain well
Can keep a smile on my face
A song in my throat
A dance between my toes
Everyone knows bruises don't show up on me
Everyone knows how well I take a punch
Everyone
Everyone
Including me
Monday, November 4, 2019
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