Riddance

Bi, that night in your car in Leimert Park when we were talking and opening up to each other. I felt safe. At first. Safe enough to tell you about an experience with sexual abuse when I was a girl. What you said to me though, that it wasn't true. It wasn't true, that's what you told me. Why did I ever talk to you again. Stop wondering why I don't want to talk to you when I see you.

Gone

Kh, the hole you punched in our bedroom wall while we were arguing, was that what you really wanted to do to me? Are you still punching holes in walls? Punching people now? Remember you expected me to call the landlord to get it fixed. What was I thinking? Why didn't I love myself more?

Healing

Bi, the way you used to undress me while I was asleep to have sex was abuse that still gets to me. All these years later.

Homo hatred

The homosexual memes of 45 and Putin are so disrespectful to homosexuals. So because they are both jerks they have to be gay? People are horrible people.

Rush

Dw, thank you for being a great friend. A priceless friend. You made me laugh. I loved the time we spent together. It wasn't time for me to be in a relationship though and I felt like that's what you wanted. Thank you though. For being so great. I know that emotionally I was a handful. I know it. I'm still figuring out my own spins. I'm a lot for me sometimes.

There were times when we would talk when I would get really down and you would end the conversations with "Well, you sound good." I never liked that. Of course I sounded good. I sound good. I present well. I wasn't good though. I didn't know how to show you the trouble I was in. I know you didn't mean it the way I took it. It was me. Not you. Not even me really, just life. You know.

Layers. Still.

Hey Bi. You're a fucking joke. I hate you. Still. After all this time. I can't stand running into you. I hate that old conversations we had pop up in my mind. Remember the time we were living together and you told me that my cramps during my period weren't that bad but I just had a low tolerance to pain? You're an asshole. Fucking man telling me about the pain during my period. I have very few good memories of you.

Because reasons.

I called a suicide hotline a couple weeks ago. Well I didn't call, I texted. Thank God for the texting option. Anyway, it was a joke. The guy told me that I was strong and that I would make it. You don't fucking know me Frankie if that's even your real name.

Help

My fucking car battery died. I had to call AAA. The shit's just dead. He started it up for me but told me to get where I was going and leave it there. Gotta get a new one. Do I have time for this? Is a battery in the budget? No. Shit no.

Tread lightly

Hello everyone, welcome. This is where I exorcise my demons. My bad stories. My good ones. My dreams. My reoccurring thoughts. About life, men, relationships, sex, motherhood, fathood, beauty... Hope you enjoy.

Lines

Haaaa! In 13 Reasons Why one of the characters said "I have substitute teacher arms." That is hilarious. I feel her pain though. So do I.

The African

I was just thinking about the time I had a date with this African guy. He was a friend of one of my coworkers. We were talking and I don't remember how we got on this conversation but we started talking about date rape. Yeah, why not? That's what you talk about on dates right? Anyway he said that in his country (I forgot where he was from) there was no such thing as date rape. He said that men pursued women and women were expected to resist for a little while. They were supposed to say no at first and act like they didn't want it. The men were supposed to keep pushing. Dude, shut the fuck up. But he didn't shut the fuck up. He kept going. On and on about the sex roles of men and women at the beginning of a sexual relationship. Needless to say we didn't get anywhere. Hopefully he's learned some truth.

Long Beach. Mom. Netflix.

It's 7:03pm and I am in Long Beach at my family's place. My sister's family is out of town so I'm staying with my mom to keep her company. Right now I'm watching 13 Reasons Why. It's a Netflix series. Pretty dark. About suicide. High school students. It's good. In one of the shows someone started this list. The list! Best ass. Best lips... You know, the list. It's super weird how far apart boys and girls, men and women are sometimes. The girl in the show who killed herself was on the list. Best ass. She didn't like it and while that's not the reason she killed herself, that was part of it. The girl's mother found the list in her bedroom after Hannah (the girl) died. When the mother showed it to her husband the mother was all, she's being bullied... and the father was like no, it's a compliment. No dude, it's not a compliment. Like when men think it's a compliment when they catcall women. Nope again. And yes, it's a big deal.