THE NIKEL chapter 10

Obrey got out of the shower and put a robe around her wet body. She stared at her reflection in the mirror. (No. No. Not right now. I've got to call somebody. Write, paint, dance, work, sew, sing, talk, something.) She left the bathroom and went to her bedroom and got her purse from on top of her dresser. She scrolled fast through the names, Rhonda, River, Sister...she pushed send and got Davis' voicemail. Tonya, Ursula Willow, Zenobia. She sat her phone back in her purse then pulled her journal from her nightstand.

Dear Mom,
I'm sad today. It won't last long. But I am. Davis asked me the other day if I was pushing Amad away from me because of Daddy and I didn't know how to answer her. I still don't. I think in the background of every human being there is that vioice that says over and over that we're not good enough. Sometimes we listen to it and sometimes we don't, but it's there. It's there for me. Loud. There is a part of me that can't get over it. Haven't thoguht about it in years. But it's there. The sadness creeps on me and when it sets it stays for days. It takes over. Tries to anyway.

I was in the shower and I heard it coming as sure as I used to hear Grandmama rattling baking pots early Christmas morning. This damned feeling man. What is it? It starts with the same ole sentence and if I get hooked, then I'm stuck listening to it for days. I only allow myself three days of it trapping me in bed though. After that, no matter what I pull myself up. But it's here again, Mom. Telling me lies. Please God let them be lies.

None of this is going to work out. Who do you thnk you are? You and Amad will never be happy. Why would he want you anyway? Crazy bitdch. You're a crazy birtch. Fucking fucking crazy bitch who can't sew worth a damn and someday soon everyone will know what a fucking sick joke you are. Outdated fucking designs. No one will love you. You fucking better make it work with Amad because you leave him and Jewel is out of your sorry ass life too. You will never have children of your own. Amad only loves you because he needs a babysitter and you better be fucking glad he does. Fucking loser.