THE NIKEL chapter 17

Life and Saundra laid in the bed together and stared at the ceiling. Sade sang and sage burned and Saundra tried to find a way to tell him. She walked to the ledge and swore she would jump in. (Just say it. Just say it.) One foot in front of the other, then nothing.

"I love you, baby." (And I'm pregnant and of course you're the father and don't think I'm trying to pressure you into marrying me or anything like that I just thoguht I should tell you and I wasn't even going to do that so you better be glad and I'm gonna quit my job and open up my restaurant that I've been dreaming about since forever ago. Yes, Life, I have dreams too. My whole life isn't just me supporting you and your career. Is that what you thought? Well, you're wrong, buddy and don't think for one minute you're just gonna leave me and not support your baby. You hear me? Do you?)

"I love you too."

"I don't know what's going on, Life but I know that something is. We gotta get this settled before we go on this cruise. I'm not going to be in a cabin with you for eight days pretending that everything is cool while we're out and then we're staring at the ceiling at night." (Please, please say something stupid so that I can get mad and say I'm not going on the cruise. How am I going to hide this from you all that time being so close to you? Or just come out and say whatever it is you're hiding from me and I can tell you what's going on. I just don't wanna look like a fool here.)

"Goodnight, Saundra."

Saundra knew she was being a hypocrite. She was five weeks pregnant and was seriously considering having an abortion and she gave him the come clean speech.

Four days after she found out she was pregnant, River and Saundra were parked in the parking lot of the abortion clinic. River was about to get out of the car. "I wanna do this alone."

"Saundra, you don't know what you're saying."

"Yes I do. I'll call you when it's over."

"Are you sure?"

Saundra walked into the clinic by herself. Not at all what she excpected. It looked lke a regular hospital waiting room. Some of the women looked...like her. She expected the welfare scenes she saw in bad movies. This isn't going to be so bad. She tried to convince herself. She couldn't help but think about Life and that he should at least know. It's bad enough having an abortion but to do it behind the father's back takes it to another level.

(No, I'm not telling him. I'm going to go ahead with this and if we work things out we can get married and have a baby in the future.)

"Good morning." She said to the young woman who sat next to her. She looked about twenty-five. She had on a black jogging suit and her hair pulled back in a short ponytail. Saundra wondered what her story was. Did the father of her child at least know? Was he waiting in the car for her? Was he at work sitting on pins and needles waiting for her to call? She wanted to ask her if he knew. Of course he knew. She was the only crazy person who would do something like this and not tell the father. Just her. (Why? Why am I doing it? Life isn't a bad guy. He loves me. Why not at least tell him?)

Just then Kenard popped into her head. Kennard Stanton. She hadn't thought about him in years. He was her high school sweetheart and she loved him. Kenard was the captain of the football team when they were seniors. She remembered how his teemmates teased Kenard and told him that she was going to trap him and have a baby before he went pro. She didn't pay them that much attention. Then she went with him to his family reunion and his mom, aunts and cousins were so nice to her. Then Kenard went to play basketball with his cousins and his girl cousin kept giving her a mean look and said that she could tell that Saundra was one of those light skinned bitches who just wanted her cousin for what she could get. And that she wanted him because he was about to be a football star and that she would kick her ass if she even thought about getting pregnant to trap him. Trap him? She had never though about it. Is that what people thought of her? That she wasn't good enough to make it in life without a man to take care of her? That she needed to trap somebody? She was so determined to show them and the rest of the world that she didn't need anybody. She broke up with Kenard the next week. She told him that they had gotten too serious and that she needed to focus on her studies because she was going to be somebody. That broke his heart. Hers too. All because she listened to what other people said about her and here she was doing it again.

She was so nervous she hoped she wouldn't start talking so much she couldnn't stop.

"Good morning to you too." The woman responded as if they were in a coffee shop and needed to share a table with her.

"Kinda scary, huh?" Saundra asked.

"I guess. You'll be ok. You picked a good day."

"What?"

"I mean it's not so crowded. Usually that whole side over there is filled up by now."

"Oh." Maybe this was as bad as she thought.