Decluttering. Being thankful. Big ass bug.

It's 4:48am and I am up. Praying. Talking to myself. Encouraging myself. Going through my bags getting rid of clothes I really don't want or am just not going to wear. Ain't nobody got space for that.

I woke up because a big ass bug crawled near me on the bed. Then there was that voice. That see, you ain't shit voice. I wanted to crumble. I'm in a fucking motel with my son. Our clothes are in the backseat of my car and in bags in the room. But you know what? I'm not going to crumble. It was a fucking bug. I'm not the only person who was renting a house that got sold. I won't be in a motel forever. Thank God I can easily afford it. Prices for apartments are scary. But I'm not going to let that get me down. I'm going to stay faithful. I'm going to keep praying. I'm going to stay knowing God has me. Has us. Going to keep breathing. I know that there will be moments that are easier than others. I have good moments too. Going to keep reminding myself that this is temporary. Going to keep loving myself.

Mostly, I'm so thankful for Uraeus. I'm doing everything I can to make it as easy as possible for him and he is doing everything to make this easy for me. I don't know if I could do this. I don't know if I could hang on like this if he were a different human being. I love him so much.

Well, the bug is gone. Gone to wherever bugs go. I got a lot of shedding done. There is this huge pile of clothes under the desk that won't be coming with us tomorrow. Now, will the remote control please show up? I don't know what I did with it. Now I'm stuck watching a bunch of paid programs. It's cool though. And better than the silence.

It's about 5:10 now. The sun will be out soon. We made it to a new day and I'm thankful for that. I have so much to be thankful for. I have my mind. In the face of everything going on, there is a lot of ease in my head. And I'm still off of those meds. That's what they are. Those meds. Not my meds. I still have them though. I'm not ready to throw them away. Truthfully, if I need them, I'll take them. I hope it doesn't come to that. But if it does, it does.

Breathing. Please breathe with me. Pray with me.

I hope you are loving yourselves. I'm loving you.