In the moment

The thing about me that I'm loving, especially these days, is that I'm running my own race and no one is my competition. I am so thankful to be mentally at ease and am putting one foot in front of the other and I am steppin'. I'm still off of my meds and I have never been able to be off meds this long without crashing really hard. Don't get me wrong, if I need them I will take them. Also, don't get me wrong, I have my down days. But I haven't had that crippling kind of depression in months. Months baby! I have had a manic episode but I'm good. I'm doing what I love. I'm painting. I'm writing. I'm working. My work is as a caregiver. Right now I have three clients which is a number I can handle. I was working myself ragged a while back and that wasn't good. I love that I make a big difference in people's lives. Mostly I'm making a difference in my life by not stressing the hell out about meeting or not meeting some mark. I am where I am. My mental challenges have been really rough. I used to suffer greatly with suicidal ideations. For over a year not one day would go by without me thinking about killing myself. The thing though, is that I didn't want to die, I just wanted to live without the pain I was in. It's a part of this disease. I haven't had those thoughts in a while. I don't know if the dark clouds will form again. I don't know if the thoughts will come again. I know I am free now. I look back and I am so thankful I was able to do anything, to live, to pay bills, to shower, to brush my teeth, to eat...everything was a challenge while moving through that murk. So no, I ain't ballin'. But I ain't drowning either! I look at myself and acknowledge the strength it took to get from there to here. And I'm here. I praise God every single day. I am here.