Photos from tonight

Client died. Packing to do. Tired.

Sunday, October 21, 2018 8:31pm Los Angeles. Home.

My client in Long Beach passed away this morning at 3:16. Immediately I thought about how John 3:16 was one of her favorite Bible verses. She would have me open the Bible up to that page before I left. It's a trip that she's gone. I prayed for her family. She is at peace though. This is what she wanted. She used to lie in her bed and scream, "Come get me, Lord! Come get me!" And now her time has come. She's not suffering. She's not in pain. She's free.

Here on earth, I still haven't started packing. I worked today and I thought I was going to have all this energy to pack after work but I don't. I'm tired when I get home. I will start first thing tomorrow. Part of my hold up is that I'm waiting on a check to get a storage with. I wasn't going to get a storage but I really need one. I have bags of clothes and so does Uraeus and we need a place we can get to them without having to wait until someone is home or anything like that. Camari is checking on the check for me. Spending this money on a storage is going to leave little for a hotel so I'm going to have to call a friend to see if there is room at the inn. Losing my Long Beach client was not just an emotional loss but a loss of income for me. What did I tell you about praying for change? It happens. I've been saying that I'm tired of doing this kind of work and this happens. This isn't the first time I've lost a client but it's the first time I've been in the situation I'm in and have lost a paycheck. She was more than a job, more than a paycheck. She was a human being. She was a spirit God and her family trusted me to take care of. And I took that responsibility seriously.

So like I said, I came home tired and low and behold Uraeus found a way to get the wine opened. I told you before I have a super cheap corkscrew and it got stuck in the cork and was not giving in at all. So I had this wonderful bottle of Merlot looking at me. Well I came home and Uraeus had gotten it off for me. He didn't even say anything he just let me find it ready for me. I love him. I don't know what made him do it because he doesn't even drink. Can't even stand the smell of alcohol. My son knows me.

Wyatt just emailed me about a show I agreed to do for him on Saturday. I agreed to do this show early in the year and totally forgot about it. I hope it pays or there are people there who will purchase my book from me. That would be right on time.

So pray I get this check before Friday or that I am able to pick it up. I'm really looking forward to the next chapter of my story, please let it be a good one, because I'm tired of talking about packing and moving and not knowing where I'm going.

I had a good nap so I might just get some packing in tonight after all.

Love yourselves.

Gratitude

I am thankful for this day. This quiet. This moment. Thankful that I have enough to make it through the next moment. I have what I need. Thankful that I will always have what I need when I need it. I am trusting. I am floating. I am riding this cloud. I don't know where it will take me but I know I will get there on time and safely. I am thankful for Uraeus who is brave and loving and the sweetest spirit I know. I am thankful for my mother. For my family. My friends who make me laugh and are there when I need to talk or just be. I am thankful for my home. For shelter and food. For money and clothes. For love and peace. For ease in my head. I am thankful for the meds I take. Thankful for sanity. For joy. I am thankful for joy all around me.

Packing intention. Client dying. Moving where?

Sunday, October 21, 2018 12:32am Los Angeles. Home.

So it was my intention to start packing yesterday but I didn't. Packing just makes things real. That make sense? Well I didn't pack. Last night though I went to a poetry spot at a cigar lounge and I had a great time. Kooki was the feature and Iyesha was the host. A good time was had by all. Especially me. But now I'm back to my real life and I gotta get it together.

My client's son sent me a message last night telling me that nurse said that my client has started the process of dying. Dying is serious business, y'all. Her body is shutting down. They didn't expect her to be here yesterday but she's still standing. Well, not standing but here. The last time I saw her I knew it would be the last time I would see her. I have a knack for knowing such things. It's a curse. I knew with my grandfather too. In her son's message he said that he would see me Tuesday meaning for my regular work shift but I just don't think so. I'm praying for the family and for her and I hope her transition is easy and that the family is strong. Not strong like no tears because she's Mama and there will be tears, but strong like knowing that she is not suffering anymore and able to find some comfort in that. They will grieve because that's what's normal and healthy. But I pray that their process is smooth. As smooth as it can be. This is not easy. You know what I mean.

Meanwhile, I still don't know where I'm going to live or how I'm going to pay for it when I get there but I know I'll be all right. I'm holding on to that so tightly.

Another client called me last night to see if I could work tomorrow (today) at noon. I accepted and am looking forward to working with this client. She's my favorite. And the money will be right on time.

Wish me well. I'm loving you.

Love yourselves.

Photos from last night

Gratitude

I am thankful for waking up this day. Thankful for Uraeus. For my friends and family. I am thankful for peace and ease in my head during this time. Especially during this time. I am thankful for Valerie. For love and food and shelter. Thankful for this apartment. For Camari. For my nephew who reached out to me on Instagram. For clothes and health and laughter. I am thankful for the little things in my life. Down to my magazines. My notebooks. My journals. I am thankful for so much. I am so blessed. I know it. I know I am.

Camari. Moving. Good things.

Friday, October 19, 2018  9:31pm Los Angeles. Home.

I hope you're all well. I am doing well. I had a meeting with Camari this morning. Camari is an amazing amazing young woman who agreed to work as my personal assistant. She is super talented and I would be a total crazy person to turn down such an offer. I don't pay her much money but I give her some. I am super thankful to have her in my life. Thanks to her I don't have to get a public storage for my books. She has found some place to store them for me.  God is good. So is Camari. That's the only thing I really needed storage for, everything else (except the microwave) I'm going to get rid of. I tried to sell my couch that lets out into a really comfortable bed for $50 and someone offered me $10. What did I say to that? Come get it. Hopefully he really will get it because otherwise it will end up on the street for the dogs to pee on. And how the hell is it going to get to the street? It's way to heavy for Uraues and me to carry it down the stairs. Ooops, I should have mentioned that the couch weighs a million pounds and I live upstairs. Oh well.

I'm getting a little excited about this move for some reason. I guess because it's new and different. I talked to the owner of the building and I told him I would be out by Friday. I can do it. Being out of the place is not my biggest challenge. Finding a place by then is. But we will be somewhere safe. And clean. And in the will of God. Somewhere.

I didn't work today because I rarely work on Fridays. I have meetings or do some work from home or paint or push my book sales on Fridays. Today I had an incredibly productive meeting with Camari. I don't want to talk about what we talked about just yet because it's not time but good things are coming. Good things.

Oh I have a bit of bad news. Ok it's not bad news bad news, it's just bad news. I lost my corkscrew opener and so I bought the super cheap one form the liquor store because. Broke. and the damned thing is stuck in the cork and I can't get it out or open the bottle of wine. So there is this full bottle of really good wine staring at me from the table and I can't drink it. Is that a sign? Michelle, if you're reading this it's the bottle you gave me for my birthday along with the poems. I was gonna read the poems with the wine. Now I'll just read the poems with water. I'm so privileged. I really am you know. I forget sometimes but I am and I forget to check my privilege.

Uraeus is out working right now. I can't really sleep while he is out. Not that I'm sleepy anyway but even if I was sleepy I couldn't sleep. When he's out I'm up. Praying. That's who I am.

I'm going to start packing tomorrow. I've been looking around long enough but after my meeting today with Camari I have some good direction. She even gave me some bins to put my books in. I'll load my books tomorrow so that I can deliver them to where they are going on Monday. V is taking two of my bookcases and I think I can sell or give the others away. They are good bookcases. I'm just happy I get to keep my books. I was tired of starting my book collection all over every time I moved. Oh, V is also going to hold on to the rug I have. I absolutely love my rug. A poet I know named Peggy gave it to me. It's big and reddish and soft. I love it. V will hold it for me. Hopefully she will use it while she has it. It's a rug to be used. What else? What else? What else? I think that's it for tonight. I hope you all rest well.

Love yourselves.

Photos from today

Photos from last night

Client dying. No worry, no cry. After midnight.

Thursday, October 18, 2018 11:55pm Los Angeles. Home.

Just got in from work. My client is dying. This is the hard part. The waiting. She sleeps mostly. I have to try to make her comfortable. Perhaps this is how she will leave us. A long sleep until the last breath and then she will be gone. Not gone. Just...not here. With her Lord. Her Jesus. Her Savior. Her Christ. There is a  part of me that doesn't want it to happen on my watch. But if it does I am prepared for that too. I am ok. God's will be done.

This will be another client I am losing. More money I am losing. But I promised myself I wouldn't worry about that today. I am worried though, a little. Inside of me though, there is this knowing though, that everything is going to work out. I have to trust it. Especially now. I talked to my landlord today and gave him a verbal notice that we are moving. I have to give him a letter also, soon. I'm going to need some time though to get my stuff out of here and lock down a place. For now, we are going to be in a hotel I pay by the week. That's not my favorite plan but it's the one I have and it beats being outside. We're not going to end up outside anyway. I do have faith in that.

So I didn't end up going to get my labs today. I don't know why. I just didn't feel like getting up and I know I can do it on Tuesday. I'm pushing it though because they have to be done before I see my doctor. I think there is something I am afraid the tests will show. I pray there is nothing wrong with my kidneys. I also pray I am not diabetic. Pray for me too, ok?

I have an early meeting in the morning plus tons of stuff to work out and it's already after midnight. I'm going to turn in. I hope you all get some good good rest.

Love yourselves.

Gratitude

I am thankful for this moment. This quiet. This peace. This ease. I am thankful for life. For Uraeus. For seeing my mom, sister and niece yesterday. For work. For friends and family. I am thankful for love. For food and shelter. For clothes and books and water. For wine and juice. For all the things in this apartment. For this apartment. I am thankful for good memories. I am thankful for good rest. Good good rest.

Easy shift. Figuring it out. No labs.

Thursday, October 18, 2018 12:37am Los Angeles. Home.

Hello all. I hope your day was well. Mine was. My shift with my client was pretty easy. She is close to the end now so mostly I watch her and try to interpret her groans and see what she wants. She doesn't want much these days. I sit with her and pray for her and her family. I'll be there again tonight. She's not eating anything but ice chips and Monday I fed her some Ensure through a syringe. Tonight she only had a few ice chips. I'm concerned about her family after she goes. They are tough now but when that time comes it's hard. Nothing like a parent.

I have to get some more clients or figure something else out quickly because after I get Uraeus in this room I'm going to be the one paying the majority of the rent there. I have a few gigs lined up and that's good but I will need more soon. I really am on this kick where I am just not stressing myself out about it though. Stress is a killer for me. It takes me out and I can't afford to be out. I have to be as in as possible.

I didn't go get my labs done on Tuesday like I said I would so I have to do it tomorrow because my appointment with my doctor is on the 26th and that's coming up soon. I don't like getting up early. I really don't. But I have to so I am just going to do it.

Well, I'm going to hit it. I hope y'all get some good rest.

Love yourselves.