Lifetime. Food. Rambling.

Monday, December 24, 2018 8:45pm. Long Beach. Sister's.

Thank God for Lifetime movies. My mother didn't go to work today so she stayed home and we watched movies together. Uraeus and I went out for a minute and he ordered some gifts for the family. They won't be here until next month but it's what he wanted to do. I love him so much.

I didn't get any poems done but I still intend to. I've been working on one for my mother in my head for some time but nothing in print. It will come.

Tomorrow is Christmas. I think about my father this time of year. His birthday is the 28th of this month. He died about ten years ago. I miss him a lot but I'm glad he is in a better place. Everyone says that. A better place. But he's not drinking or lonely. He's not ill or plaged with dreams.

This is a good movie I'm watching now. About a girl who was kidnapped and held underground. It's called Girl in a Bunker. It's sad though because it happens every day. People going missing. When I see posts I say a prayer for them. But this is a movie and it's almost over and she will be found safe.

Food and I had a call tonight with Adenike and Peter about being the guests for the next Red Stories in January. I'm glad they agreed.

I'm rambling now. Gonna log off. I hope you're well.

Love yourselves.

Deja. Uraeus. Me.

Sunday, December 23, 2018 5:41pm. Long Beach. Sister's.

My sister and her family are back from Arizona. Deja and her team won the tournament. Right now Uraeus and I are in my mother's room. My mother is at work. She'll be back around midnight. I'm cleaning my mother's room for Christmas. Those are the kinds of presents I'm giving this year. I'm not much of a Christmas gifter anyway.

These are my favorite moments, when my family is together watching TV, on our phones, doing laundry, doing whatever, just being together.

I'm thinking of writing poems for my family this year. I've never done that. I don't know how much they will appreciate it but I want to do it. Also thinking of writing a whole lot more next year. Maybe a poem a day. I don't think I'll post them on Facebook like I did last time. Just something I do quietly and post them here on this blog.

I feel good today. I'm so happy about that. I'm not crying. I'm not sad. I don't feel depressed or anxious. I feel regular. That a thing? Regular?

Gonna get back to cleaning my mother's room and watching this movie on Lifetime. It's Lifetime so you know the one. Girl is in foreign country. Girl gets taken. Girl is getting prepared to be sold in auction. Girl has super badass mom who rescues girl. Only girl hasn't been rescued yet because it's not time for movie to end. But it's coming.

Y'all be well.

Good day. Rest. Netflix.

Saturday, December 22, 2018 7:23pm. Long Beach. Sister's.

Good day today. Rested mostly. Read a little. Trying to read more. When I'm not reading my writing is trash. I think every writer should read more than she writes.

Right now though I'm binge watching Criminal Minds on Netflix. One of my favorite shows. I'll get back to reading later.

Be well.

Good sleep. Moving. Lithium.

I'm feeling better today than I was yesterday. I slept well. Something about the day that brightenes my perspective. Even if just a little.

I'm scheduled to see the place where Uraeus and I plan to move on the day after Christmas. Well, I'll be seeing it that day but we aren't moving until the first. It will be good to start off the new year in a place where we are renting. Not staying with friends or a hotel. Things are looking up.

I know I'm jumping around here but I often do. The doctor at the missed appointment clinic was trying to persuade me into going off the Lorazapam. My old doctor often told me that it wasn't does for long term use. I know they're both right I just can't find the right time to go off of it. I really depend on it to sleep. Especially when I'm depressed. I'm scared about using it though because it effects the memory. With my family history of dementia I don't need anything else causing me to lose my memory.

Speaking of the meds the lithium could be causing harm to my kidneys. I'm going to look into some herbs to protect them as well as drinking more water. I don't have a new years resolution or anything but if there is something I'm going to change in the new year it's staying hydrated.

God I'm glad I'm feeling better today. The fog is still there and the tears still flow for no real reason but I'm not where I was. I'm going to rest today and keep breathing through it.

I hope you're well.

Love yourselves.

Clemency. Cyntionia. Black lives.

The fucking Tennessee Gov. is not going to grant clemency to Cyntonia Brown. This shit is crazy Black and brown bodies mean nothing and our lives don't matter. This is what this world is showing us. He granted freedom to eleven others but she was not on the list. Fucking wow.

Movies. Green Book. Mom.

Friday, December 21, 2018 12:05am. Long Beach. Sister's.

My mom and I are just getting in from the movies. We saw Green Book. We loved it. Going to the movies is a thing my mom and I do together that we enjoy.

We're back now though. The house is quiet. Uraeus and Reuben are in the back rooms. My mother is in her room. And I'm in the living room. Everyone else is still in Arizona at Deja's games.

I'm still breathing through it. This cloud. This fucking fog. This depression I can't wash off. I know the thoughts and voices are lying but they are loud and they are convincing. Sometimes I feel so powerful. And then there are times like now. When the fog is heavy above my head and the thoughts are overwhelming and I feel like nothing. The feeling goes away eventually. But while I'm in it, I'm in it. Sometimes I can't see myself on the other side of it. Every good thing I do feels like the last time I'm going to do it. Like tonight felt like the last movie I will watch with my mother. Before we left Uraeus gave me a hug and told me he loved me. Felt like the last time I would hear that from him. Last time I would feel his arms around me. It's a feeling I can't explain. I try and I feel I can never accurately describe the hopelessness. I get through it every time but I'm fucked up somewhere in it. Every time. There are days I just don't feel strong enough to be here. It's hardest when I'm with my family because I feel the pressure to pretend everything is OK. I don't want to show them how I really feel because I don't think they could deal with it. Also I don't want to make them sad. It's a confusing thing to be on the other end of this shit. They don't know what's wrong. They can't make me happy and I can't tell them. I can't point to anything and say this is making me feel this way. This is why I'm crying. This is why I can't get off the couch. Sometimes I want to die. It's not my time yet I know. My family and friends still need me and I need them. I want to see Uraeus live out his life. I don't want to die in this funk. I wanna die happy. It won't last forever. I keep telling myself that I'm stronger than this is. And sometimes I even believe me.

If you or someone you know is going through this I hope that you know that you are bigger than this. I hope you believe yourself when you tell yourself that you are.

I'm going to try to get some sleep. I hope you rest well.

Love yourselves.

Depression. Thoughts. Flood.

Thursday, December 20, 2018 3:14pm. Long Beach. Sister's.

The depression is coming back. The thoughts are back. I'm breathing through it. I'm not surprised. I felt like it would come like flood when I got still enough. I just feel stuck. I couldn't even go out to The World Stage last night and I was scheduled to read. I was with my mom and son and just couldn't go.

Like I said it's here and I'm breathing through it. It will pass.

New

A chapter is ending in my life and a new chapter is beginning.

Gratitude

Wednesday, December 19, 2018 12:05pm. Long Beach. Sister's.

I give thanks for newness of this day. The light brought clarity. Brought determination and hope. Sometimes I get lost in the night. Last night was one of those nights. But I'm feeling much better today. I think I can run on.

Love yourselves.

Scary. Lesson. Breathe.

Tuesday, December 18, 2018 7:44pm. Long Beach. Sister's.

Sometimes the night is scary. They say fear and faith cannot exist in the same space at the same time. I don't know. I know my lesson is to breathe. Just breathe. The light will be here in the morning.

Angel

Dear Angel

I don't know what it is like to have my freedom taken away from me
Especially at such a young age
But I know an oppressors hand over my mouth
Silencing me
Daring me to dream

I wish you so many dreams come true
Young sister
I wish for you a stage where you shout your poems beyond the reach of your enemies
I wish you music an dancing feet

Young Angel
You know by now that life is not fair
You had to learn too early how to fight to get yours
I see you, sis

For what it's worth, I'm sorry
For every time you had to raise a fist
For every you received hate instead of love

This message is for you
Carry it knowing that someone out there is holding you in prayer
Someone is wishing the best for you
Someone knows that you are worth fighting for

My love to you
Jaha

Sitting. Class. Scream.

Monday, December 17, 2018 5:00pm. Los Angeles. USC.

Sitting on the car waiting for class to begin. I had a quick errand to run before class which is why I'm here early. Michelle's sister sent us (Michelle, Uraeus and me) books, cards and chocolate. I had a moment to look over some of the poetry in my book. I love it so far. I'm looking forward to being in a space to read again. Not so much a physical space because I do have that but more a place mentally where I can focus. It's coming soon though.

As I'm sitting in the car a woman walked by me pushing a stroller with a young child inside. Suddenly she started screaming "Sit the fuck down and pay attention!" Seriously? That's how we talking to babies now?

Tomorrow Uraeus and I will be with my mom. My sister and family are going out of town and my mom doesn't like to be there alone. Maybe we will see a movie while we're there. She and I want to see Green Book. Uraeus doesn't. I don't know what's on his radar to see. Maybe Aquaman. All of us want to see Aquaman.

Well I'm going to peruse this ook some more then head off to class.

Love yourselves.