Movies. Green Book. Mom.

Friday, December 21, 2018 12:05am. Long Beach. Sister's.

My mom and I are just getting in from the movies. We saw Green Book. We loved it. Going to the movies is a thing my mom and I do together that we enjoy.

We're back now though. The house is quiet. Uraeus and Reuben are in the back rooms. My mother is in her room. And I'm in the living room. Everyone else is still in Arizona at Deja's games.

I'm still breathing through it. This cloud. This fucking fog. This depression I can't wash off. I know the thoughts and voices are lying but they are loud and they are convincing. Sometimes I feel so powerful. And then there are times like now. When the fog is heavy above my head and the thoughts are overwhelming and I feel like nothing. The feeling goes away eventually. But while I'm in it, I'm in it. Sometimes I can't see myself on the other side of it. Every good thing I do feels like the last time I'm going to do it. Like tonight felt like the last movie I will watch with my mother. Before we left Uraeus gave me a hug and told me he loved me. Felt like the last time I would hear that from him. Last time I would feel his arms around me. It's a feeling I can't explain. I try and I feel I can never accurately describe the hopelessness. I get through it every time but I'm fucked up somewhere in it. Every time. There are days I just don't feel strong enough to be here. It's hardest when I'm with my family because I feel the pressure to pretend everything is OK. I don't want to show them how I really feel because I don't think they could deal with it. Also I don't want to make them sad. It's a confusing thing to be on the other end of this shit. They don't know what's wrong. They can't make me happy and I can't tell them. I can't point to anything and say this is making me feel this way. This is why I'm crying. This is why I can't get off the couch. Sometimes I want to die. It's not my time yet I know. My family and friends still need me and I need them. I want to see Uraeus live out his life. I don't want to die in this funk. I wanna die happy. It won't last forever. I keep telling myself that I'm stronger than this is. And sometimes I even believe me.

If you or someone you know is going through this I hope that you know that you are bigger than this. I hope you believe yourself when you tell yourself that you are.

I'm going to try to get some sleep. I hope you rest well.

Love yourselves.