THE NIKEL chapter 6

It was early on a Saturday morning and the sun shone through Life's window. As he and Saundra slept, the phone rang. Over and over. Life counted seven times and wondered why the machine didn't pick up. Finally he answered. It was Rebecca.

"They heard it and thought that it could have been a lot stronger." That must be code for I didn't call my girlfriend a bitch or my homeboy a nigga or brag about getting shot. He thought. "They won't release it as is."

"Why don't they just let me go some place else? We keep going through this. I'm done changing it. Bec, let's talk about it later." Life hung up the phone and sat up in bed for a moment, looked over at Saundra and saw that she was still asleep. He returned to his comfortable position with his chest to her back as his hand cupped her right breast. Just then the phone rang again.

"He burned it up, baby! Your daddy burned up the kitchen! Call hissself tryina cook or somethin'. He put a box of crackers on the stove warming up some bread. What we gon' do with him?!"

"Everybody ok?"

"We good. But Tanisha was here and is in the hospital. She got some smoke or somethin' in her lungs. She in intensive care."

"Send Sheila down to the Western Union to pick up some money I'm sending." Life didn't even want to ask what she was doing over there without Caron with her. He told her too many times about that. His mom had enough to look after without adding an active six year old to the mix. Life thought about moving back to Florida to be with his family, especially with his dad being sick. Now sick and dangerous. Sharon and Carolyn could be doing more to help them. But then that's how it always goes. The person adding up the score is always the winner. Somebody else could always be doing more. He was really considering getting out of the Hollywood world. At least acting anyway. As far as music was concerned, he could find a way to get out of his contract and put out his own music. His cousin Tommy, in Florida was a great producer and Life could finance the project himself. He started in the rap game selling tapes out of his backpack and he could end it the same way. At least back then he loved the music he made and the whole process it took to make it. There was no stiff ass in a suit who told him what to do. He had been thinking about it a lot.

"What happened?" Saundra asked as she woke up.

"My mom called and told me that my dad burned up the kitchen this time."

"Baby, Althezimers is serious. You gotta get somebody to move in there with them or get him in a hospital where they can watch him. Each incident is getting worse than the one before."

Not now Saunrda. He thought. "Rebecca called before that and told me that the label was still unsatisfied with the project and won't release it the way it is."

"Can they just do that?" All he could do was look at her. Saundra leaned in to hold him. She asked him how he felt and he gave the standard.

"I'm cool."

"You always say you're cool when you're not. You've been holding a lot of stuff inside lately and you have more piling up. Do you wanna talk?"

Life laid on his back and looked at the ceiling as if the magic words he needed to satisfy him "talking" would form in secret ink. He looked. They didn't come. (Yes I wanna talk. But where do I start? Saundra, sometimes I just get tired of being strong and stable. I feel pressure. I just don't want to be the one that everyone depends on. How do I say this to you without you looking at me like I'm some kind of punk? Women want a man right there ready to handle it, right? Whatever it is. I wanna be able to roll over in my bed and call somebody to make my life all right right now but I'm a man and this is how we do it. Deal with it.)

Saundra got out of bed and got her bag out of the closet to go to the gym.

"Swimming?"

"Yeah."

Amad pulled her back on the bed and watched her turn slowly onto her stomach. He rubbed her hair back. Massaged her legs and kissed her softly on her butt.

"Sex is not a substitute for conversation you know."

"But it sure feels good." When it came out of his mouth he knew it wasn't what she wanted to hear. Amad was her man, he wanted her to understand he wasn't one of her girlfriends who talked about feelings all the time. At the same time, he ws still gentle. Amad felt that he talked enough already. Enough. A man's just gotta sort through things first. This was his family. His career. She pulled from under him and started to get up off of the bed.

"Come on now, not you too. I just wanna touch you. Feel you. Be inside of you. Love you. I know you want me to talk about how I'm feeling and all that but I'm not like that. I mean, I am but, let me let things sit for a minute. Come here. Let me hold you." As he spoke, Saundra saw the sheet slowly rise. She crawled on top of him and made love just like she danced. Just like she walked. Easy like water. Serious and intentional like she meant it. He liked her on top. Liked the way she pulled herself up with her palms firmly on the bed. His head underneath hers. Her back bent and slow grind harder and harder each stroke until she was satisfied then qucikly started again until he was. Satisfied. She put her head on his shoulder and kissed his neck. Her soft hands walked down his chest and held him. Just held it at first. Then. Loved it. Again.

That night Life and Saundra had friends over. It was one of those parties that just happened. River and Michelle had come home with her from the gym and her other girls came over. Rock had come by after Saundra left in the morning and stayed and then the fellas came by. Later in the night they were up in the den playing video games, watching TV, listening to music, talking, laughing and eating. Her girls were downstairs talking, planning, eating, and laughing.

Rock did most of the showboating and loud talking. He was the self-proclaimed world champion Sega Genesis player, a title Life or any of the other men in the room was in any big hurry to take from him. When Ice Cube's cd ended, Spider got up to put another one in.

"Put Life's shit in." Guns yelled across the room.

"I don't wanna hear it man. There's some old jazz down there, some funk, there is some..." against his protest Life's "Runnin' For My Life" started playing.

Back downstairs, River had been teasing Saundra all day about being Life's wife. She said she was glowing when Saundra met her at the pool. Maybe she was. She and Life made such passionate love that morning. She knew he loved her, but that wasn't love sex. That was, he's got stuff on his mind and needed to get some steam off, sex. She didn't complain though. He thinks she's pressuring him to talk to her all of the time about all of his feelings. Truth was, she didn't need to know all of his feelings. If he was on the outside of himself looking at himself he would see what the rest of the world saw, a man who tried to hold the weight of the world on his shoulders and was about to bust. She wanted him to have somebody he could talk to.

"Aint nobody over here married or engaged." Saundra replied.

"Why not? Girl, you gotta bring it up. As much work as you're putting into that man you should be getting something back."

"And you are putting in work, aren't you?" Michelle said, as all of them laughed.

"Life gives me plenty, ok." She said as she held out her wrist. "But it's not even about the jewelry..."

"Or the clothes?" said River.

"Or the car?" Michelle said.

"Or the..." Rhonda looked downward, "hallelujah?" Saundra saw her, but avoided River looking over at her.

"Y'all havin' church up in here?" Spider commented as he walked in to get a beer from the refrigerator. Saundra girl, you got it smellin' good up in here. What is that cookin'?"

"Quiche."

"Well you let me know when Keisha finish cookin' 'cause I wanna be first in line."

"You will be the first to know, Spider."

River took the bread out of the oven and Saundra felt saved by the bell. She was ready for the attention to be lifted off of her. Especially about something she couldn't answer and didn't want to talk about with Life and his friends right upstairs. Saundra knew River could tell what she was thinking.

"This is good girl. So when you gon' leave that job and open that restaurant?" River asked, changing the subject.

"I know that's right. What are you waitin' for?" Asked Michelle the finance wizard. "Let's cash in those fancy bracelets and have a yard sale for those Gucci shoes, those bags and suits and finally open up that shop you been talkn' about since we met. Don't get me started. Ask me, it's been past time."

"I've been thinking about it a lot lately."

"That's the problem. You keep thinking about it but you're not doing anything about it. You've got everything you need to get it started right now. Credit, skills, plenty of folks who would gladly suport you. L.A. is filled with vacant spots for you to take. What are you so afraid of? You know what, don't answer that because it's just going to lead to a long discussion and then you're not going to do anything about it. Again..."

"Damn, Michelle, stop trying to be her mama. It's her dream. If she wants to let it pass by then let her." River said to Michelle but stared at Saundra the whole time.

"You know you my girl." Michelle said. "I'm just being the little girl who was gonna be the best damned dancer Alvin Ailey ever saw. Was gon' give Debbie Allen and all them a run for they money. And then stopped, promised myself that I was gon' get back to it next year. Then next year. Then next year. And it's been ten years, two marriages and forty pounds later."

"You still look good girl." Saundra remarked.

"I know I do. And I'm happy with what I'm doing. But that doesn't mean I don't wake up every now and then and wonder what could have been if I had just followed my dream."

Upstairs Do Right was arguing with the brothas about which was the greatest basketball team of all time. He was all about the Lakers. Spider was a Bulls fan and Life didn't care. They continued to talk about sports and Rock noticed Life flipping through the cds and handed him a beer.

"Where you at, man?"

Guns looked over at Rock and Life. "Hey, what y'all bitches all huddled up in the corner about?"

"Shut yo big ass up!" He whispered the rest for only Life to hear. "Before I come over there and put my foot down your throat."

"I heard you whispering like a little punk. Life over there lookin' all pitiful. What's yo problem? What, you can't enjoy yourself without that sweet thang all wrapped around you?" Guns wasn't Guns unless he entertained the crowd at someone else's expense.

"Man, I'm just jealous!" Guns had a little liquor in him and was trying to push Life's buttons.

"Well, what she see in you?" Do Right always had to put his two cents in the mix.

Life remembered his mother listening to his father and his friends hanging out at their house when he was a child and his mother said, "When grown men get together they turn into eigth grade boys again." But Life wasn't in the mood that night.

"She saw that album come out. She saw a couple of national commercials, a few movies..."

Button pushed. "What you sayin' about my lady?"

"Nothin' you aint never wondered yourself." They were face to face. Rock rushed in between them.

"Come on now, y'all cool it." Rock yelled. He turned to Life. "You know Guns is just poppin' shit."

Guns backed away and began to tease Life. "Come on!" He was gesturing like he wanted to fight. "Want some, get some, bad enough, take some."

"Shut the fuck up, Guns!" Rock yelled.