Paper (4) Gerald

I'm getting tired of L.A. Big cities period. Truth is I'm tired of living in this country. Been wonderin' how it would be to live by the water in somewhere like Ghana. I don't know anything about Ghana though. Except what I learned in school which ain't much. There has to be more to life than this hustle and bustle. Feel like everyday it's some kinda fight. Some challenge. Just walking to the store is some kinda test waitin'. Older I get the more I believe I'm living on lucky time. And I ain't never much believed in luck. I was on the Crenshaw bus two days ago on my way home after one of the worst days of my fifty-four years. Found a seat next to a pretty sista that smelled good. Let my head hit the glass and finally closed my eyes for the short ride I had. Lil knucklehead across from me mean muggin'. How you mean mug somebody with a fuckin' mask on? He stare at me long enough 'til I finally give him some attention then he say, "What set you from, blood?" I take a long deep breath and wish I was livin' in some small house out in Ghana and say, "Homie, my name is Gerald. How many niggas you know name Gerald bang?"

You know what I'm the most tired of? I'm tired of feeling like I won the lottery just because I made it home and I have a little food and some clean clothes for the next day. I'm thankful. Thankful for everything I have. Black folks so used to nothin' we don't expect nothin' more than one more breath. I want more. More than the next breath. A little money. Pile of books and a bag of tools. I want more than a 911 life. You know what I mean? Every minute I'm awake I'm on high alert. For once in my life I wanna exhale and let that breath take as long as it needs to take. Every other corner somebody sellin' those I can't breathe shirts. All respect to my brother George and I understand what they tryin' to say but...I don't know, I can't stamp that on my chest when all I wanna do is breathe. In and out. In and out. Real slow. Then sleep so good and wake up the next morning and the first thing on my mind be figurin' out what I wanna do that day. I don't wanna think about money. Except who I can bless with it.

I'm a builder. Always been real good with my hands. I can't explain the blessing but I can build or fix almost anything. I can play the piano and guitar too. Never been taught. Just can. I wasn't no good in school so I stopped going. Wasn't 'til I was twenty years old I found out I had dyslexia. I see numbers and letters different than other people. In school they just thought I was lazy and I got lost in the shuffle. Got lost in the shuffle at home too. I have seven brothers and sisters and I'm number four. I'm still close to my two sisters and their kids but not my brothers. Not my mom and pops neither. I was a Jehova's witness growing up but that wasn't the life I wanted for myself as a man. At least when I thought I was a man. For me that was at sixteen. I had stopped going to school and was spending my days and nights locked up in the garage fixing radios, building bookcases and little boxes out of wood. I used to call 'em treasure boxes. Pops was like, I need to do somethin' with my life and live by his rules or go find a home of my own so that's what I did. Never really looked back. Ain't been no easy road at all. I'm here though. I'm here. Know what? I still make treasure boxes too. All different sizes. I paint 'em real nice and some I give away and some I even sell. My sister got twin daughters, Avery and Daisy. They finna turn sixteen in a couple weeks and they love anything I make so I made one for each of them. Two big boxes 'cause I want them to fill 'em with all kinda treasures. I told you I could do anything with my hands right. When my nieces were little I used to braid their hair! I sure did. I had never braided no hair before but I braided theirs. I don't mean no regular cornrows going back. Naw man, I used to braid braid they hair! I put them long Janet Jackson braids in they hair. I had 'em lookin' good too. I know dudes don't be doin' that. Not no straight dudes anyway but I was nice with it. My sister, Ruth had paid all this money for they hair one day I guess they was about nine or ten and it looked ok 'til she told me how much she paid. I was temporarily sleepin' on her couch back then and I told her don't never spend no money like that on no braids 'cause I would handle it. At first she thought I was sayin' that I would pay instead of her but naw, she know me better than that. I got real close to my nieces during that time too. Real close. My sister's kids are like my kids. I never had none of my own but they mine. The twins plus my other sister got a daughter too. She twenty-three now. She a rapper and go by Coin.

I'm home now and I'm gon sit here on my couch with all the windows open. Gon smoke a cigar and eat a burger. Gon listen to some music and maybe fall asleep. Good sleep too I hope. I shole need good sleep 'cause this ain't been my week. Not my week at all.