Paper (7) Fergi

It wasn't me. It wasn't ever me! GG treating me like she's taking care of me is getting so old. I wish I could just tell her the truth. Way she acts I'm scared one day I might. I'm over there because I love her and we are each other's only family. Only family that count anyway. I don't wanna see nothin' bad happen to her. She's my aunt and I love her. GG isn't well though. I talk to her everyday and I stay over when I can tell she's spiraling into another depressive episode or she's manic or just flat out trippin'. And truthfully, she's almost always one of those. It's exhausting because you never know which GG you gon' get on any given day. Some days she's so cool. Talkin' like she got some sense, funny as hell, mothering, a good person to bounce ideas off of. And believe me, she got tons of hustling advice. But then other days she's so hyper it's scary to be around her. One time she went off on Tino the security guard in front of her building. Tino know how she is and he was trying to be cool but she just kept at him. Gettin' all loud and it was late and people started lookin'. I didn't know what was goin' on 'til Miss Bettie knocked on the door for me to go downstairs before Tino or somebody called the police. Thankfully he didn't and me and Miss Bettie brought her on up. Talkin' 'bout Tino watched some guy break in her car and didn't do nothin' about it and he let somebody sleep in her car overnight and a buncha bullshit everybody in they right mind know whatn't true. Except GG ain't in her right mind.

I started tellin' my grandparents somethin' was wrong with GG when I was a teenager. She wild and ain't got much of a filter but it's more than just she wild or she so crazy. No. She is crazy. That's the muthafuckin' problem. Nobody believed me. Nobody did anything. Nothin'. I feel sorry for her. But like I said, I love her so I don't take care of her on no pity shit but I do take care of her. I know I ain't got no thanks comin' my way but I know God know. One time I tried to talk her into gettin' herself checked out because what if I wasn't here? Or Miss Bettie wasn't around? Or Tino ain't the guard at the front and she come home trippin'? She better be lucky it wasn't Mr. Thomas workin' that night. He don't like nobody, especially her and he woulda been called the cops.Then what? Plus, me stayin' over so much is puttin' a strain on my relationship with Clark. He understand I gotta do what I gotta do for my auntie but he says he doesn't like how much it drains me. What can I say? He's right. Well, me mentioning that she needed help in any way sent her into such a tizzy I know I can't bring it up again. She kicked me out her apartment that night. Told me don't ever come back or call or nothin'. I made sure Miss Bettie looked in on her and I stayed gone for two weeks. I showed up again like nothin' happened and she acted like nothin' happened too. We both know somethin' happened and I bet not mention nothin' about her gettin' no help again. So I sit and watch her. Make sure she eat. Make her smoothies in the morning and put herbs in 'em she don't know about. I'm tryin'. It's gettin' to me though. It really is.

You know, if I'm bein' one hundred it ain't just me takin' care of GG why I come and stay so much. I miss my mother and GG is the only place I can go where I can hear stories about her. I was a little girl when she died. I get scared sometimes because I'm starting to forget her. Her smell and her laugh. Even starting to forget her face. But GG got pictures all over the place with her and my mom. Me and GG. Me and my mom. Ain't no place I can see that. I love Clark and I know he love me but GG is my family. And what if I lose her? With everything goin' on in the world. I'm scared she gon be out somewhere and just lose it. Then what? Then what family I got?