Bed. Michelle's. Pills.

Sunday, December 2, 2018 12:55pm. Los Angeles. Michelle's.

I'm still lying around in bed. I didn't sleep much last night. I'll get up soon. The morning started off sweet. I got a call from Curtis, my friend who owns the Airbnb where Uraeus and I stayed last month. We agreed that I could pay him on the 2nd of the month for our stay. Today is the 2nd. I sent him a text last night saying that I would be there early this morning so I could see him and Karen together. In his text to me this morning he said that he was gifting us the stay and we didn't have to pay anything! That's so wonderful! What a blessing. That started my morning off great. So we can save that money and have it go towards the new place. We are saving very well.

I'm not sleeping well. I really need my pills. I can get to sleep pretty early but then I wake up and can't get back to sleep. I have to play letter and number games in my head or my thoughts go into this murky and dark place. I also do a lot of praying and counting. Last night when I counted to 1,500 I finally got the message that counting wasn't going to put me to sleep I made up other games. Eventually I fell asleep but it was still on again off again. I hope tonight will be better.

I think I'm going to be in for the day. I don't have anywhere I need to be today. I'm going to stay in and create. Create what I don't know. We'll see. Well I'm up now. Going to find something to eat and get this slow start to my day going.

Until later.

Love yourselves.

In. Nyesha. 50.

Saturday, December 1, 2018 5:16pm. Los Angeles. Michelle's.

I think I'm in for the night. I just rode out to Long Beach to pick something up Uraeus forgot at my sister's house then went to the bank to deposit some money then stopped at the store for some light grocery shopping then back to LA. I'm good. It's dark now and I don't feel like going anywhere. Nyesha is having her 50th birthday party downtown and if I were to leave it would be for that but she is featured at The Stage on Wednesday and I think I'm just going to catch her there.

I really need my sleeping pills. I was able to sleep as soon as I got in bed last night but woke up around 3 which is usual when I don't have my pills. I couldn't go back to sleep after that. Maybe that's why I'm sleepy now. I'm going to call my case worker on Monday and ask him to ask my doctor to call in my meds since the doctor isn't responding to me. Why do I have to do all this? Why can't he just call in my fucking meds? Anyway...

It's early, only 5:25 but I need a nap because I'm fighting off a fog. A fog like depression. A fog like worry. A fog like sadness and I just can't deal with it today. Not right now. So I'm going to nap it away. I hope.

I hope you're well.

Love yourselves.

Gratitude

I am thankful for this day. For food shopping. For shelter. For my son. I am thankful for Michelle. For my friends. My family. Thankful for a phone call from V this morning and money to deposit. For paying bills and loving myself. Thankful for the trees. For the sky and her beautiful colors. Thankful for God's plan that will work out in my life.

Food stamps. Michelle's. Hanukkah.

Friday, November 30, 2018 6:20pm Los Angeles. Michelle's.

Today I spent the whole day in the county building, yep because I have needs. I wanted to see if I qualified for food stamps and cash aid. I got my food stamp card today but for the cash aid there is a two hour class I have to go to on Tuesday first. I don't even know how much they will give me but every little bit helps. The food stamps are more than enough for us and what we don't use this month rolls over to next month so that's good.

My doctor still hasn't called me or called in my meds to the pharmacy yet. I might have to roll up there on him. I started to today since I was so close but I was in the office so long I'm sure he was gone. Also, I was an hour over the parking time. Thank God I didn't get a ticket. And Uraeus did the laundry so I have clean clothes to wear. So it's been a good day.

Tonight we are having dinner with Michelle to honor Hanukkah. I'm looking forward to this. I need a nap before dinner so I'm going to sign off.

Until later.

Love yourselves.

Rain. Michelle's. Focus.

Thursday, November 29, 2018 6:49pm Los Angeles

It's raining and I love it. We spent last night at my sister's house so I could get up at 6:30 to pick up my Aunt Bobbie from her friend's place and take her back home to San Diego. It was bumper to bumper almost the whole way there. They way back to Long Beach was a little easier though. I enjoy my aunt so it wasn't a problem. And I was in my mother's vehicle which is much more comfortable than mine. I listened to some good music, said some good prayers and coasted.

We're back at Michelle's and I'm getting ready for what's next. Still. God is faithful to provide. I'm staying sane and grateful for sanity. I'm still standing. I'm still here. I'm still swimming. I'm still breathing. I'm staying focused on the moment. I don't see all the pieces but I know it's coming together. Nicely.

I hope you are hanging onto hope.

Love yourselves.

John's funeral. Sleepy. Emotional.

Wednesday, November 28, 2018 10:30pm Long Beach

I'm at my sister's house right now. We had John's funeral today and then came to the house after the repass. My uncles Therman and Don were here. Ursula came later. Roshann was here and Uraeus. I can't remember all the people. We had a good conversation that started with Don's message at church then had some talks that got deep and at some point we were all in tears. I'm thankful for my family. I'm taking my aunt Bobbie back to San Diego in the morning at 7. Uraeus and I are spending the night here tonight.

I did take my meds tonight. My doctor still hasn't called me to reschedule an appointment. I'll call him tomorrow.

I'm sleepy now. It's been an emotional day.

Until later.

Love yourselves.

Kooki. DPL. Dinner.

11:50pm

Tonight I met up with Kooki at Da Poetry Lounge. Neither of us have been there in a long time. It was a good night out. We only stayed the first half because. Old. But it was a good first half.

I don't remember if I took my meds last night or not. I don't think I did. I'm not taking them tonight either because I'm already in bed and I don't feel like getting back up. Tomorrow though.

We have a full day tomorrow with the funeral and all so I'm about to get some sleep.

Oh, before I left tonight Michelle, Uraeus and I had dinner at the table together. I thought it was really beautiful. I'm so touched to have such amazing friends.

Love yourselves.

Oil change. Breathing. Therman.

Tuesday, November 27, 2018 12:05pm. Carson.

I'm sitting in the waiting area at the car dealership waiting to get my oil changed (they will also wash the car for free...hey). I'm trying not to let my mind get too far ahead of me, which is what is happening. I can't just be in this week I gotta be all stressed out about next month. I can't handle next month right now. I'm working on it though. Focusing on staying in the moment helps. Focusing on breathing helps. I'll be alright. I keep telling myself that.

My Uncle Therman is here now for the funeral tomorrow. The dealership where I am is not far from where he is so I'm going to go see him when I leave here.

I hope you're having a good day.

Love yourselves.

Michelle's. Uraeus's suit. Teargas.

Monday, November 26, 2018 10:41pm. Los Angeles..

We're at Michelle's place still. It's been a blessing being here. Wonderful conversations, great food, just...blessing.

Tonight was CLI night and class went well. Tonight was the best class so far this term. Penelope is such a great teacher. She's better than I ever was. I can't believe I was her teacher once. I like being her assistant.

Today Uraeus and I got a few things done. We went downtown and got him a black suit with a white shirt and black shoes and socks. He's going to be one of the pallbearers for John's funeral on Wednesday. We also looked at a place. We weren't able to get inside but we could see pictures online. We will make an appointment for another day.

I was only on Facebook briefly yesterday and today but reading about the Mexican people being teargassed hurt me so much. I mean how awful must your home be that you would risk that for yourself and your children? Pretty damn bad. People just want a better life for themselves and their families. I couldn't read all of the articles. It was too heartbreaking. I pray for them though. Sincerely.

I called my doctor today to get another appointment with him. I'm out of Lorazapam and I can't sleep without it. I left a message with the doctor but today is his off day so hopefully he'll call me tomorrow. I haven't called my dentist yet. I need to quickly because chewing anything is uncomfortable with the filling missing from my back tooth. I got stuff going on y'all. But I'm hanging on. I am.

This morning I looked at Uraeus and said "We're gonna be alright." He said "I know. Don't you believe it? Because you sound like you're talking to yourself." And a part of me was talking to myself. I just needed to remind myself in his hearing that we are going to be OK. I'm thankful that were both healthy. Well, Uraeus has a cold tonight but I mean overall, we are healthy. We are safe. We have food and safe shelter. The car is running well. It needs an oil change but it's running well. We are living week to week and that's a little bit scary sometimes but we are making it.

I'm in the room ready for bed and so I'm not going to take my meds tonight. The main one I need I don't have so...I'll skip tonight and get back at it tomorrow. I'm not going off meds again. I've been thinking about joining another bipolar group. I'm not really opening up to my doctor the way I should and I think there should be somebody I am talking to. I'll find one in LA. I wish I could afford a therapist. I really miss Meredith, a therapist I once had. She was awesome. She moved and I could no longer afford to pay her. It's all gonna be alright.

Good night everyone.

Love yourselves.

Wrong day. Michelle's. Thankful.

Sunday, November 25, 2018 9:30pm. Los Angeles.

I woke up this morning and somehow I just knew it was Monday. Like I knew it. Had plans on going to class, calling my doctor and dentist, going to see the room for rent Uraeus saw online. All of it. Uraeus informed me that it was Sunday and it took some convincing for me to believe it.

I needed to do something for my mother today so I drove down to Long Beach to do that then came back to Michelle's place and slept a long time. Again. I needed it so much.

Right now Uraeus is at work and I am up with Michelle talking. Uraeus wants to ride his bike back here so I'll be up until he steps through the door. I wanted to pick him up but he wants to get back on his own.

It's been great here at Michelle's. Uraeus is not one to let people in quickly but he and Michelle really seem to hit it off. I'm glad about that.

Well tomorrow really is Monday so I better get ready for it. It's been a great weekend and I'm thankful I had the time to rest.

I'm thankful for so much. I'm thankful for my friends and family. Thankful for this valley that I'm in and the lessons I'm learning. I'm thankful for the waters I'm swimming in that will quinch my thirst but will not drown me I trust. I'm thankful for so much.

John's funeral is Wednesday and I'm thankful that I will see my family soon even though it is a rather sad occasion. I say rather because we do know that John is in a much better place and is no longer suffering.

Until later friends.

Love yourselves.

Sleep

Saturday, November 24, 2018 5:25pm. Los Angeles.

I slept ALL day. I got up and had breakfast with Michelle and Uraeus then went back to bed. And slept ALL day. I loved every minute of it. I feel so good.

Yesterday Valerie told me that the WomanPreach event in Atlanta at the end of the month has been cancelled. They are still going to pay us though. That's love. That's pure love. If I were in a different position I would have refused but I really need it right now so I just said thank you.

Today was going to be the day Uraeus and I went to look at rooms for rent for him but he only found a couple and wants to make a day of it tomorrow. Fine with me. You know what I did. Went back to sleep. I didn't even know I was so tired.

Now I'm up though and will probably be for the rest of the night. That's fine. I'm really at peace today. Thank You, God.

John's funeral is Wednesday so I have to get to my storage to get something to wear. I'm not looking forward to going through those bags. But that's what it's going to be.

Love yourselves.

Michelle's. Dinner. Sleep.

Friday, November 23, 2018 10:22pm. Los Angeles.

We're staying at my friend Michelle's place. It's really comfortable and beautiful and she was kind enough to give up her room for us. She really likes Uraeus. I really like that. While I was napping they took a walk together. I loved that.

I was really able to open up to Michelle tonight at dinner about something that's been bothering me. I don't even blog about it. And she was a great pair of ears. I needed someone to listen and get me and she did.

I'm about to go to sleep now.

Love yourselves.