Ntozake Shange. Feature. Old home.

Saturday, October 27, 2018 6:19pm Los Angeles. Home.

One of my favorite writers died today, Ntozake Shange! I love her work. If you don't know her name you probably remember her play For Colored Girls who have considered Suicide when the rainbow is enuf. From what I read she died in her sleep. Bless her. I didn't want to start my entry off with that but I just saw it on Facebook then Googled it hoping it wasn't true. It's true. Ntozake will live forever.

In other poetry news I had my feature today at the Encino-Tarzana library today and I think it went well. There was a nice crowd and the open mic was great. There was also a good presence from The World Stage. It was good to see Pam Ward since I don't get to see her much.

Right now I'm taking a break from loading the car with my stuff. I live upstairs and park in the back of the building. Going up and down those stairs is no joke. My back starts to hurt quickly so I take a small break after each load. I know that's a lot of breaks but you don't know my back!

It's setting in on me that I don't live here anymore but I keep calling this place home. Well hell, until I give him the keys on Monday I do live here and it is home. It's also setting in on me that God is going to continually watch over us. I'm counting all the blessings as joy. My car was in Long Beach last night because I had the Uhaul truck so I couldn't load the car. My friend who lives a few blocks away called me and asked if she could hire me to watch her young daughter while she went out. I agreed because. Every penny counts. That put a full tank of gas in my car. Then Pam gave me a note with some money in it today at the reading and I bought food. And Michelle gave me a bottle of wine today and that is totally God watching out for me because. God knows. I have enough for the next moment. I will keep that prayer and know that I will always have enough for the next moment.

Well, my break is over until the next load. If I sit too long I will call it a night and I'm nowhere near ready to do that. I hope you all have a great day.

Love yourselves.

Gratitude

I am thankful for this day. This beautiful, sunny day. Thankful for Uraeus. For friends and family. I am thankful for the Uhaul truck my mother got for me. Thankful for being able to see my doctor and case worker. For love and shelter. For food and water. For good health. I am thankful I am not depressed. I am thankful I am not in a manic state. I am thankful for all the stuff I have moved today and the stuff I have to move. I am thankful for stuff. For books and art and clothes and shoes and a tv and art supplies and toiletries and all the stuff. I am thankful for energy to move the things. I am thankful for ease in my spirit today. I give thanks for abundance. For knowing better days are coming. For accepting what is and appreciating it for the lesson and blessing it is.

Doctor. Case worker. Public Storage.

I saw my doctor today. As it turns out I wasn't slick in going to get my labs the day before my appointment because they have to be sent out and returned. He said it takes about five days for him to get them back. Well, we will discuss them on my next appointment next month. I told him about my moving situation and he, like I knew he would, suggested I see my case worker. I did. The doctor seemed really concerned which was a little surprising to me. He seems so distant. Not just him, I'm distant with him too. I need to change that. A part of me keeps hoping I'll wake up from this dream and my old doctor will be there again. I miss her.

I saw my case worker but he was busy and couldn't sit down with me as long as he wanted. He told me about some shared living space but I'm not that interested in living with people I don't know from the mental health center. I know how bad that sounds. I really really really do. But still. And because Uraeus is twenty years old he didn't think he could come with me. Nope. I'm interested in finding Uraeus a place and helping him pay for it until he can handle it on his own. I'll be ok. The perfect and divine right spot is out there for him. I know it is.

I just took a break from packing. Uraeus and I went to the Public Storage and dropped off the bookcases I want to keep. I will take the truck back tomorrow. Having the truck made things a lot easier. Now I'm surrounded by piles and piles of books and bags of clothes and art from the walls. Mostly books and clothes though. Just before I sat down to type this entry I was packing the clothes from my closet. My back hurts after too much time standing up. That's from years of lifting my clients. And lifting the wrong way. It's only 7:21 I'll pack some more bags before I go to sleep. Uraeus doesn't think we have that much stuff but once we start going up and down the stairs tomorrow back to back I believe he will change his mind. Or maybe he was saying that he didn't have that much stuff like we are only moving our own things. Nope. This is our rug, our tv. He's not like that anyway. He's always down to help. I love him. He's my favorite human.

In other news, I told you my mother was buying a house right? I'm moving in with her. My aunt is too. Uraeus doesn't want to. He wants his own place. I don't blame him. We won't be ready to move in until late next year anyway so I'm carrying on business as usual but I'm excited about each new step with the house. As long as my mother and Uraeus are happy, I'm happy too.

I believe I'll get back to packing. I hope you all had a good day today. It was lovely here in Los Angeles.

Love yourselves.

Moving truck. Loading. Encino.

Friday, October 26, 2018 1:28pm Los Angeles. Home.

I just got back from getting the truck. My mother got it for me so I had to go down to Long Beach to pick it up. It's a monster so it will hold all of our things. The down side is that I had to leave my car in Long Beach and now I have to drive this big ass Uhaul truck to my appointment with the doctor today at 3. When I get back we will start loading the truck. I thought packing made moving real, pulling up in a big moving truck really makes it real. The other down side is that I have to have the truck back in Long Beach by 10am because it's already booked so that gives us one day to do all of this. And I have this feature in Encino at 2pm so I'll have to be on the road for that. I don't know how I'm getting from the Uhaul place to my mom's house but I guess I'll work that out later. Also we do have a place to go on Monday so that's good. More later, gonna take a quick nap now.

Love yourselves.

Photos from today

Labs. Long Beach. Voting.

Thursday, October 25, 2018 6:42pm Los Angeles. Home.

So yes, I got up and went and got my labs done this morning. I've been putting it off long enough. I walked passed my Dr. and said hello to him but he didn't even recognize me. No biggie. We really don't have a relationship. He's kinda, the guy who gives me my meds.

All in all I had an ok day today. Got my labs done. Went to Long Beach to meet up with my mother. We went to vote early today. It was good just spending time with her. Uraeus tackled some of the packing here. There's more to do. I called my landlord to see if we could leave on Monday instead of Friday. He just called back and said yes. That's good. I'm going to take a nap and get some packing in tonight. I'll get a truck tomorrow and take everything down to the storage between tomorrow and Saturday. I also have a show on Saturday at a library in Encino. I booked this show like in January and here we are already in October. I had forgotten about it.

So before I go to sleep I'm going to go find something to eat.

Love yourselves.

Photo from today

Down. Clutter. Enough for now.

Wednesday, October 24, 2018 8:14pm Los Angeles. Home.

Today I was feeling kinda down and so I didn't do one thing. Not one damn thing. I didn't even start packing my books until about twenty minutes ago. I just felt crippled. I am determined though to not get all the way down. Not down to the ground down. Not so down I can't get myself up. God does all the lifting though. I just accept it and keep pulling.

Clutter is a huge trigger for me and that's what I'm in right now. A mound of clutter. This pile is set to go to storage, this pile to the trash, this pile I'm gonna sit outside by the tree and hope someone claims it. Piles and piles and piles. And I haven't even gotten to the clothes in my closet yet. Haven't cleaned out the fridge, haven't mopped the floors, haven't taken the rug out yet. There is stuff to do and I'm supposed to have it all done by Friday. I don't think that's gonna happen so I'm going to ask for an extinction until Monday. I think he will give it to me. The other part is people have offered to help but the place is so small that more people might just make it worse. This place is going to get cleaned out at a pace Uraeus and I can handle. I think Monday will be fine as long as I don't have any more down days. I can't afford any more of those.

I have enough for the very next moment. That's what I keep saying to myself. I have enough gas for the next moment, enough money to eat, I have enough for the next moment. Thinking too far ahead is what gets me down. Right now I can only think as far as Monday. Then something will show up. It just will. I don't know if I've ever been here before. Not here. Not this here. But I'm here now.

I'm going to get my labs tomorrow. Yes I really am this time. I wish I hadn't waited so long because my doctors appointment is the next day and I have to drive back out there. I need to see him too. I need to tell him what's going on.

I've been sleeping on and off all day and I'm still tired. That's that depression though. That down tired. I'm going to load one more box of books and then turn in.

Love yourselves.

Shmoney! Right on time.

Oh, and my check finally came from the museum. So glad because I thought it was going to come after I moved and that would have been a problem because. Broke. But it came. Right on time.

Hellooooooooooo???

For some reason I can't log onto my gmail account. What's that about?

No labs. Storage. V.

Wednesday, October 24, 2018 12:19am Los Angeles. Home.

First off, nope I didn't go get my labs done today. Thursday is the last day I have before my doctors appointment so I will go then. I know you don't believe me. I barely believe myself. But I'm going Thursday. So there's that.

We got our storage space today. Some place close to where we are now and a pretty decent rate I think. It will also hold all of our stuff. I had planned to move some of our things in there today but it didn't happen either. I'm not moving as fast as I would like to be but I'm moving so that counts. I think it counts. Yeah, it counts. I've organized things to be moved but haven't really moved anything. Well, I made a few trips to the trash can so that's like moving things. I'll do more tomorrow.

I'm just getting home a few minutes ago. I took V to get water then went to drop off a key at my cousin's place then since I was in Inglewood and tired of looking at piles of stuff in my home I called Dietra. Glad she was home. I bought a couple bottles of wine and popcorn and went to watch tv with her. We watched This is Us. Love that show but I never get to watch it. Friendship is priceless. We watched tv, talked, and just got each other for a few hours. I needed that and maybe she did too. Thank God for friends.

I don't have much else today except I hope everyone gets some good rest and enjoys your day.

Love yourselves.

Oh, I talked to Therman and that was good. He might come down for my mother's birthday party on the 11th. Same day as Red Stories by the way. But her party starts at 3 and Red Stories is at 8. We'll work it out.

Nspire. Whatever. Me.

Oh, I took a picture with Nspire tonight and I think I look so ugly in the picture. But, as Sonya Renee Taylor would say, The Body is not an Apology! So I left it up on Facebook and Instagram. Whatever. I'm loving all of me. I might not like all of me, but I'm loving me for sure.