Down. Clutter. Enough for now.

Wednesday, October 24, 2018 8:14pm Los Angeles. Home.

Today I was feeling kinda down and so I didn't do one thing. Not one damn thing. I didn't even start packing my books until about twenty minutes ago. I just felt crippled. I am determined though to not get all the way down. Not down to the ground down. Not so down I can't get myself up. God does all the lifting though. I just accept it and keep pulling.

Clutter is a huge trigger for me and that's what I'm in right now. A mound of clutter. This pile is set to go to storage, this pile to the trash, this pile I'm gonna sit outside by the tree and hope someone claims it. Piles and piles and piles. And I haven't even gotten to the clothes in my closet yet. Haven't cleaned out the fridge, haven't mopped the floors, haven't taken the rug out yet. There is stuff to do and I'm supposed to have it all done by Friday. I don't think that's gonna happen so I'm going to ask for an extinction until Monday. I think he will give it to me. The other part is people have offered to help but the place is so small that more people might just make it worse. This place is going to get cleaned out at a pace Uraeus and I can handle. I think Monday will be fine as long as I don't have any more down days. I can't afford any more of those.

I have enough for the very next moment. That's what I keep saying to myself. I have enough gas for the next moment, enough money to eat, I have enough for the next moment. Thinking too far ahead is what gets me down. Right now I can only think as far as Monday. Then something will show up. It just will. I don't know if I've ever been here before. Not here. Not this here. But I'm here now.

I'm going to get my labs tomorrow. Yes I really am this time. I wish I hadn't waited so long because my doctors appointment is the next day and I have to drive back out there. I need to see him too. I need to tell him what's going on.

I've been sleeping on and off all day and I'm still tired. That's that depression though. That down tired. I'm going to load one more box of books and then turn in.

Love yourselves.