*a memoir under construction DEAR GOD, a memoir in verse

1.  Dear God You were there In Sunday school Miss Williams said You were everywhere The five of us were there In the small white tent next door I don't remember any of their names Only hands Only fingers Hers The big girl's hand pressed against my red barrettes Pushing and pulling my head on his dick It was not like peppermint or Bit O Honey It was a Bomb Pop and Big Stick But not sweet and orange It was Play Do left open Ashy and uncared for Pointing and ready for me To suck I was four and he was nineteen, I think He was a black boy Wore faded blue jeans And a half smile on his dark brown and bumpy looking face What was his name, God You know all the hairs on our heads Like the song says You knew his name And his smell And his eyes And her hands You knew why, God Rev. Ford said God is always in control The girls were sixteen and seventeen, I think There was another boy Little like me He didn't have to suck dick Because the big boy wasn't no fag There was just me My tiny lips and throat And a dick A dick, God I always knew that boys had pee pees But this was my first dick Do pee pees grow into dicks I must have done a real good job Way she inhaled hiss and ahhhed The there was wet that was not spit from my choke God, are dicks always so messy and wet He peed in my mouth He peed in my mouth I screamed and ran out the tent I tried to race to my house Just next door to my father Who would beat that dick up if he knew The youngest and meanest of the big girls caught me Tied a thick brown rope around my neck Lifted me to the clothes line post cemented in the ground Held my body as it swung This post was not for sun drying dresses and skirts To be worn on Sundays with lace stockings and black shoes This post was a four year old's Calvary Jesus wept and I did too Did You leave Jesus alone Was Jesus scared Did Jesus wonder why he was so bad Her lips close as a prayer when she threatened if I told Said I was a nasty girl anyway Said she would run tell my mother first Said I was out here being fass Being all nasty I was dirty I have been nasty and dirty ever since Are You the same God The one who could never  Get me quite clean No matter my awards or deeds No matter how fast I forgave No matter the down ass / ride or die bitch I proved myself to be I never got clean 2.  When I got home I don't remember what I did  I remember I was afraid I had something to hide Not like I had done something bad I WAS something bad I was a thing now Not sugar and spice I was mud and wet grass I was hard rocks and trash I knew You didn't like bad Knew my parents could never find out The nasty thing I did Put my mouth on a big boy's penis and sucked It didn't matter the girls made me  I still did it I still sucked Except I wasn't sucking at all  Was choking on a dick Too big for my lips Too heavy for my throat No good girl would ever do that  I was a sinner  A dirty sinner A fass ass dirty sinner That night my mother gave me a bath Asked me about the rope burn and I lied I said I was playing a game I knew she didn't believe me Now I was a lying fass ass dirty sinner I don't remember what happened to the dick Or the little boy Or the two girls next door I don't remember them babysitting me anymore after that Did You hear my prayers, God Did You hear them after that Do You ever listen now My dolls weren't the same anymore My coloring books either My mother was pregnant with my sister I was too little to play with the other neighborhood kids Didn't matter though What would we play Games weren't the same anymore There was a dick 3.  Thank You, God for blessing me  With a child of my own No one owns another body No matter how new My little boy is Yours And his He belongs to himself There are days I stare at him As he plays He likes to be Spiderman He likes The Muppet Babies I watch him as he sleeps I am always afraid I am afraid of strangers Way they look at him Way they walk past I have to leave him sometimes My breath does not belong to me Until I see his face again Until I see his dirty fingers Don't leave him, God Don't leave him alone Please  Please I ask him questions When we are alone About people About touches About daycare About play He doesn't understand I think he is annoyed  I hug him too long My whole head in his face He says my hair is too knife He pulls away first Sometimes I think he knows How dirty I am  There are days, God When the clouds are too heavy For my head to hold I am afraid I want to see You face to face I want to be out there where You are Too many days I don't know why Will You be there for him Will You watch him grow up Will You tell him how sorry I am  I cannot explain to him The weight of this dirt How heavy the thoughts that come From nowhere From everywhere Since early middle school  The waves too crashing The sadness too deep My baby did not make me clean Did not save me Is not enough to make me stay I am afraid 4.  I pick him up from daycare I don't sign him out and leave as usual I sit instead I talk to Miss Brenda I am on the same couch Close to her face She is older now I am older too She remembers me When I was a little girl In the choir at church On the junior usher board All my Easter speeches We talk and remember together Our days in the church I tell her Rev. Hunter Used to kiss me with his tongue Every Every  Time Deep in my mouth When I was a little girl Even when I was older I am ashamed to tell her How afraid of him I was Afraid to tell To run To move To cry I am ashamed to tell her my filth My sin I stop talking Just drink my tea Miss Brenda is quiet I wish I could take my words back Roll them up into a ball Flush them down the toilet Maybe she won't believe me Why would a reverend touch me She puts down her drink Turns to me slow I know She says We all knew I am still as a grave I am magnet to questions that land on me Like bricks Like fire They stick like leeches and lies I cannot speak There is dirt in my mouth Dirt in my hair In my shoes  Dirt in my bones I want to die I want to be a whisper A breeze Anything but me