Mother's biopsy. Pomona. Happy.

I'm really thankful for today. The biopsy they did on my mother went smooth. She's home and resting now. She looked really tired when I went in the hospital room after it was over. I'm so glad that I was able to drive her home. As I watched her in her hospital bed, I noticed how beautiful she looked. Her skin, eyes, everything.

I'm back in Pomona. I'm going to get some more packing done. I'm debating on whether or not I'm sleeping here tonight or if I'm going to go back down to L.A. I might just go to the spa. I have to be at work tomorrow down there anyway. I'll see how I feel later.

I'm happy today. I don't know why. Not that I need a reason. I am though. Well, let me get started putting these clothes in bags.

Love yourselves.

Praying

It's about 6:50am and I need to be up soon. I'm praying for peace today. For ease in my head. For love in my heart. For the ability to breathe through triggers. For laughter.

Have an incredible day everyone.

Night at my mom's

Gotta get up early in the morning. I'm spending the night at my mom's place because she is scheduled to have a biopsy at 7:30. We're leaving about 7. Binge watching Criminal Minds for the hundreth time. Night all.

Love yourselves.

Avoiding triggers like what.

Paying close attention to my triggers triggering. Noticing how when I'm triggered I want to eat. Yes, I did eat. Fish sandwich and fries. Judge yourself. Noticing how I hold my body, my face. I'm trying so hard not to have to go back on the meds. Breathing through.

Sam's Club. Gratitude. Hope.

Just finished walking around Sam's Club with my mother. I walked through the isles appreciating the small stuff. Stuff like walking through the isles with her. Like walking period. I'm just in a grateful space and I'm glad about it. Also, I hope it lasts. Also also, this was a good emotional day.

I hope you're spending time loving yourselves today.

Roshann!

Happy birthday to my sister on her 46th birthday! Roshann, I love you and I hope you enjoy your day. I wish you peace, joy, fun and good rest.

Crazy dream

I just had a dream so crazy that I was like forget it, just get up. So I did.

Work. Beautiful day. Law & Order.

Peace family. I'm back at work and feel energized. I had a beautiful day today. I spent the day with my mother and it was wonderful. I rested in her bed while she worked on her puzzle at a table at the foot of the bed. We watched MSNBC, her favorite channel, while we talked about politics and who we plan to vote for. Both of us are only kinda sure of the candidate we want but we're both sure it's not the one in office now. I love days like this with my mother. I think mother / daughter relationships are complicated at times but I also think it's up to the mother and daughter to create moments beyond the complications. We do that and I am thankful.

Speaking of things I am thankful for, my client has eaten, been changed and is resting right now. Old folks and babies have the most peaceful expressions when they rest.

Also, there is a Law & Order SVU marathon on and I'm loving that. Gonna get ready for bed while he's sleeping. Gonna put these feet up and watch Ice T, my favorite character on the show, do his thing.

Have a good night and remember to love yourselves.

Over night with client. Making a difference. Rest plans.

Good morning all! It's been a long morning. As usual, my client woke up about 2:30. I got up with him and we watched TV. I was expecting him to go back to sleep at about 4 but he is actually just now going back to sleep. It's 10:12am! That is some super stay awake! So needless to say I am super tired. I'm off at 11 and I think I'm going to go somewhere and sleep. He looks so peaceful. I gave him breakfast and changed him so he will be comfortable.

Some days I love what I do. I love the difference I get to make in someone else's life. Even if that just means keeping someone safe, fed, happy. Most of my clients have some form of dementia. It's a hard thing to live with. For those of you who saw the movie Get Out, it could be a lot like living in the sunken place. Where someone else is the host of your body and you are just a passenger. It must be really scary sometimes. Not knowing yourself or the people around you. Sometimes not even knowing your children or spouse. With me and this client, changing is our biggest challenge. I understand though. Imagine if you didn't recognize the person caring for you and this person (who is a stranger to you) keeps trying to pull your pants down and keeps following you into the bathroom. You might put up a fight too. So I wait. I wait until he's ready and comfortable. This morning I waited. And waited. Finally he let me. We are good now.

I'll be leaving here in about a half hour. I plan to rest and enjoy my day. Whatever you do, I hope you experience joy today.

Love yourselves.

Work. Releasing books. Richard Brooks.

Hey all! I'm back at work. I thought I was getting off tomorrow but it looks like I won't be leaving until Thursday. That's cool. I finally saw Uraeus today. I haven't seen him in days. We had a good time. Not much time because I had to get back to work.

I said I was going to write some poetry today but I didn't. I didn't even try. Maybe tomorrow.

I got rid of some of my books today. Gave them to Dietra. She will love them. I think I told you that the house that Uraeus and I are renting has been sold. Yep. We have to be out by the 5th so we are packing and cleaning and donating these days. Truthfully, the house was an incredible blessing. Also I'm looking forward to the next chapter. I'll keep you posted.

Anyway, right now I'm watching that good good old school Law & Order marathon. Yep. The ones with Richard Brooks with his black and fine self.

Oh yeah, I was going to have a party to celebrate the 10th anniversary of my blog. Heyyyy! But I can't think of what to do. I'll be celebrating my 50th birthday at The World Stage in September. I'll have the whole night so I think I'll use that time to big up the blog. More details later.

Well, it was a good day again today and I am super stoked about all these good days in a row. I really can't express how happy I am about it. I'm going to try to get some rest now. My client is sleeping so I should too. He will probably be up about 3 and I'll need to get up with him.
I hope you all have a good night and some sweet sweet dreams.

Love yourselves.

Work. Pizza. Criminal Minds.

I'm back at work. Got in at 9pm and it's about 9:23 now. I just ordered a pizza because I want one. Do I need it? Nope. But I'll enjoy a couple of slices.

I didn't do much today. I spent it alone again. Mostly I just went to my writing park and then spent a little time in Leimert Park. I didn't get out of the car though. I sat in the parking lot and lisstened to the outdoor program they were having. It was a pretty easy day. Now I'm back at work.

I've been posting here, Facebook and Instagram but I haven't written any poems. I haven't even been focused on any. Maybe tomorrow.

Aww man! My client is sleeping now so it's going to be a challenge changing him and getting him into bed. I'll manage though. Gonna watch Criminal Minds now. I don't like watching shows like the while he's awake in the room with me. People respond differently to stuff like that. I could watch it all night but I don't want him having crazy dreams.

I hope you are well.

Love yourselves.

To me

Dear Jaha, don't order a pizza. A pizza is bad. A pizza is money badly spent. A pizza is pepperoni. Pepperoni is pizza. A pizza is not your friend.

Work. Touched. Safe space.

I'm at work right now. Things are pretty quiet at the moment. I was scrolling through Instagram and saw a message perfect for me. It was such a simple message. Let it go. That was the main point. Let it go. I stopped and thought about things I am holding on to that I should release. It was easy. I'm holding on to things from my childhood. Places where I should have been emotionally protected and wasn't. And this post is not about blame. It's about acknowledging stuff to myself. Even if I never say them out loud.

On more than one occasion I was touched wrong as a child. To say the least. I was very quiet about it. I didn't know what to say or who to say what to. There wasn't a place I felt emotionally safe enough to go. I was date raped when I was twenty-two and only told my best friend (at the time) who was also my co worker. I didn't even want to say the word rape. I couldn't accept that something like that happened to me. That I had been violated again.

Now to be fair, the conversation of going to therapy wasn't a thing back then. Especially not for black people. Especially not for me. I was raised in a Baptist church where the only safe space was prayer. Was Jesus. But the church, the church wasn't safe space. Take it to the Lord in prayer. That's all I knew. I was supported by my family in the way they knew how to support me. I was fed, I had toys, I had a home, clothes, I participated in extra curricular activities, I was loved. Shout out to my mother and father and grandparents, aunts and uncles for doing the best they could. There was something missing for me though. Something I wouldn't know until I became an adult well into late twenties. I didn't know emotional safety.

What does that even mean? What does it mean to be emotionally supported and safe? What happens to children who are not? Specifically, what happens to children who have experienced sexual abuse who don't know what to do with the emotional scars after an abuse? Well, to start, emotional safety is just that, it's having a place to unapologetically be. Be. Be sad. Be hurt. Be held. Be listened to completely. Not be cut off because the conversation got uncomfortable. Uncomfortable to the listeners. The big people.

I don't talk about it much but I was married once. Not to my son's father but before him. Just a few months after we got married he had sex with another woman. When he told me he also told me that I could only talk about it once. Only in that conversation. I could never bring it up again. We were together for about a year and a half. I never brought it up. There were other women. That's what it's like not being emotionally supported. Like what happens to you is your problem. Your problem to get over. Your problem to pray through. Your problem to recognize did not kill you. And if you do bring it up, you better get it all out in that one conversation and you better not take too long.

Why am I bringing this up now? Because I'm holding on to it and it's something I've had to let go in pieces. Because to let go of something you have to admit to yourself that you're holding on to something. Then you have to admit that there is a something. It's hard to say I wasn't supported emotionally. Mostly because it sounds like blame. It sounds like an accusation. It sounds like a compliant. Maybe it's all that. Even if it's true for me it's still hard to say.

So what happens to us as we grow up? Well for me it just became something I was looking for but I didn't know I was looking for it. I didn't know it was even missing.

Often I looked for that safe space in men. I never really found it there. Well, in a way I did but by the time I met the guy I was safest with I was so used to being unsafe. I was so used to people changing the subject when I wanted to get close that I didn't know what to do with someone who wasn't trying to shape me into something he wanted me to be. I didn't really know what to do with him. It sounds crazy, right?

When my grandmother died, my father's mother, I was dating a man. He came with me to the funeral. About a mile away from the church he told me that he expected me to keep it together in the church. No breaking down. I said a poem in front of the church and then sat back down next to him. I guess I cried some. When we got back in the car he told me that I had done a good job. That I almost lost it there for a minute but I pulled it together. Our relationship didn't last. It took a few months after that to know for sure that whatever I was looking for wasn't there. But I wanted it so badly. I desperately wanted somewhere I could be where I didn't feel like I was too much emotionally.

There was another guy I was with who I felt comfortable enough with. We had exchanged stories before. I told him about the preacher at the church I grew up in who used to tongue kiss me every time he saw me. I told him how it made me feel as a child. That was my first kiss. By some old preacher. I didn't understand them but I knew I had better keep them secret. We sat in his car as I told him this. His response confuses me to this day. But then, I'm not so confused. He said, that's a good story, but it's not true. Because I guess it was easier to call me a liar than to hold my story. Whatever. I whateverd much of my life away. Especially my dating life. I stopped expecting my stories, my life, to be important. But not completely. There was a part of me that knew I was valuable.

I started meeting friends, sister friends, older women who embraced me. Some of these women are my friends today. Many of them are at The World Stage. That is why that place is so important to me. I also found them among my WomanPreach family. I know emotional safety now. I also know how to be a safe place for other people.

I feel safe here. On this blog. I know I can say what is on me. I let go of things I am holding on to here. Thank you, readers. Thank you for...listening.

No suicidal thoughts

I have noticed and I do celebrate that I haven't had any suicidal thoughts since I've been off my meds. I've lived with them for so long and today I stopped to figure out what was different in my days. That's a major difference. I don't know if they will be back. I really hope not. But they are gone now. It's been a couple of weeks. Yay!!!

Good day. Hung out. Walking in.

Hello beautiful people! I had a good day today and hope you did too. I got off at 11am and hung out with a friend who lives pretty close. I go back in at 5pm which is in about twenty minutes. I'm parked in front now. I'm wishing for a good night tonight. About to walk in now.

Love yourselves

Huntington Botanical Gardens. Loving me. Trigger voice.

I had an incredible day today. I went to the Huntington Botanical Gardens and walked around the grounds. I haven't been there in years and it was just as beautiful as I remember it. I posted photos on Facebook and Instagram so check me out there. I don't have a computer so I can't load them here. I was trying to go the day without spending any money but I had to pay to get in to see the gardens and then just now I grabbed a bite to eat. It was such a perfect mental health day and I'm having a lovely meal right now. I'm not going to get mad at myself for treating me to a good day.

I'm loving on myself while I have the energy to do it. I've tried going off my meds a few times in the past and I failed hard each time. I'm off again and I want to be able to be off for a long time if not for good. The clouds may come again but when they do I want to have some really good days stored to look back on to help pull me through. To remind me that the bad days are temporary.

It's 6:57pm and I go back to work with my client at 9. I feel emotionally ready for work. I'm in a shopping center lot right now eating and enjoying the peace I feel.

I'm so glad I've had these days out with myself. I don't know if I would have enjoyed myself as much had I been with someone. I took the trails I wanted to take. I rested when I wanted to rest. I left when I was ready to go. I ate where I wanted to. It was a for real me day. I don't take them often enough.

I did notice today that I often heard from inside of me, the voice of a person, an ex, who still triggers me. As I walked I could hear him saying do this or no, let's go this way or something else that would get on my nerves. Instead of letting the thought of him bother me, I gave thanks for the past being in the past. For people of my past being people of my past. With everything going on I still say I have a beautiful present. I love and honor myself more. I treat myself better and so there is better energy around me. God is good.

I hope to have a good shift tonight and I hope you enjoy yourselves too.

Be great.

Hanging out with myself

I have hours to spend today so I decided to go to the Huntington Botanical Gardens and look and all the beautiful flowers and art. I figured it was a better way to spend my time then going to the movies. At least this way I can get some good pictures. My phone is on forty-seven percent and so I'm sitting in the car waiting for it to charge more. It's a lovely day and there are a lot of people here. Looks like I made the right choice. What are you choosing for yourselves today?

Me

A part of God
Black
Mother
Friend
Sister
Daughter
Foe
Fly
Vault
Poet
Blogger
Painter
Storyteller
Niece
Sexual abuse survivor
Dreamer
Law & Order watcher
Criminal Minds fan
Ross shopper
Bipolar
Big bag carrier
Sensitive
Introverted extrovert
Sky watcher
Overweight
Beautiful
Flower admirer
Nappy headed
California native
African American
Sexy
Tall
Artist
Conversationist
Meat eater
Nose ring wearer
Cookie lover
Punctual
Teacher
Good driver
Facebooker
Instagramer
Ex lover
Empath
Journaler
Reader
Small talker
Stick shift driver
Lipstick wearer
Hugger
Aunt
Play sister
Bird feeder
Freckle haver
Wine drinker
Ex pill popper
Ex fast walker
Beach goer
Park goer
Hip hop head
Black man lover
Superwoman

Homelessness

There is a vacant building on Century right across from the Hollywood Park Casino in Inglewood. Except the building is not vacant because a family including a dog lived under the first floor. I saw them being escorted out today. The dog barked in resistance. That was the only noise. There were three police cars for that one family. I wonder where they will go. There is so much of that going on. Families trying to make it the best way they can. Rent throughout California is expensive. Rent in Inglewood is rediculous with the Rams stadium being built. I sent a prayer for the family, including the dog. Send one up too if you can.

Off work. Temporary home. Root beer.

It's Friday at 11:57am and I just got off work. I am free until 9 tonight. Am I ever free though? I guess so. I guess I am free. I don't know what I'll do today. Home is too far to have to be back tonight. Home is temporary too. Home in Pomona anyway. A new chapter begins soon. Maybe I will see a movie today. Maybe I will go to the beach or park and read and write. I don't know. I know right now I want a root beer. I know I don't need one.

What will you do today? I hope you enjoy yourself. I hope something or someone makes you laugh. Or at least smile. Genuinely.

Missed appointment. No pills. Sitting.

Hello everyone. This morning I had an appointment with my psychiatrist. I was supposed to be there at 11:30. I didn't make it because the woman who was supposed to relieve me didn't arrive until 11:30. So there's that. A part of me didn't want to go anyway. I was just going to see him to get a prescription for more pills. I haven't been on my meds in weeks. I have plenty of pills. I don't have any sleeping pills though.

I tell myself that I am not strong enough to have sleeping pills right now. I know I am right. I am afraid of taking all of them. There are a few places I am safe enough to say that. My blog is one of those places. When I tell people I'm off my meds I know they don't understand. Most look at me as if to ask why. Some ask. But even when I tell them part of the reason is that my body needs a break. I need to feel. Part of the reason is that I can't trust myself not to take all of them. They say just don't take all of them. And I know the conversation is useless. So I check out. Not before seeing that look on their faces that tells me that I get what's coming to me since I have chosen this. It's ok. I don't even answer the look. I just go about my day. My full time job, staying alive.

I'm sitting in the car right now. It's 7:47pm and I go into work at 9. So just a little while to go. I had a meeting in Pasadena today that went well. And now I'm sitting. Thinking. Praying. Praying the way I pray. Later I will call or text Uraeus to find out about his day. To see if the plumber showed up. To hear his voice. I hope my client had a good day. He refused to let me change him this morning. It's like that sometimes. Wonder how I'll be when I am old. If I am old.

I could use a drink right now. But I'm good. I'll have water. Or juice. I'll survive tonight without wine. It's not that serious. You know what is that serious though? A grilled cheese sandwich. I'll be here for six more nights so I bought groceries for myself. It's on and poppin' when I go in for my shift. I bought the thick bread I like and sharp cheddar cheese too.

I hope your day was good. I hope you laughed. I laughed today. During my meeting. I don't remember what was funny. But I laughed and I had some good clam chowder soup from Whole Foods Market.

It's 7:57. I have about an hour. I'm just breathing. Like taking deep breaths. Like letting them out slowly. I'm just here. Not thinking about much. Thinking about everything. Maybe you understand.

Have a good night though. I hope you have a really good night.

Good alone. Music. God.

Today loving myself looked like hours alone in the car. Eating, listening to music, writing, checking my social media accounts, being quiet, even having ice cream when I wanted it. It was a beautiful day. I'm working tonight and I feel amazing. I feel ready to be a difference for the better in someone else's life. But I couldn't be this person without pouring into myself first. There are days I don't have the energy or desire to be good to myself. But today I was. I thank God for that. Today I was.

Trigger people. Instagram. Block button.

Thankfully the number is small but there are some people who when I think of them I can still get angry. None of them are present in my life now. They are all long gone. So when one of them started following me on Instagram it triggered me. I didn't stay in that space though. I loved myself enough to block the account from mine. And just like that, I was back to myself. 

Schedule mixup. Good day. Off meds.

There was a mixup in the schedule with my client today. Or better a mixup in communication. I thought I was supposed to be there at 9am and arrived on time but I was not scheduled to be there until 9pm. Oh well. I left and spent the day with myself. I started to go to a movie but then reminded myself that I didn't want to spend any money today. Mostly I didn't want to break a hundred dollar bill because once I do that it seems to just disappear. I also had a few dollars to eat with so I took myself to a cheap lunch and ate in the car where I wanted to be.

I had a good day. I am having a good day. It's 4:38pm so I still have some hours to go. This is exactly what I needed today. To sit by myself. To scroll up and down my social media pages. To think. To pray. To love my own company. There were plenty of places I could have gone but nowhere I would have felt alone. I needed and wanted that feeling. That time to sit. About an hour ago it was raining and I loved every drop. The smell of the rain hitting the dry ground. My windshield covered with drops. The songs on the radio. All of it.

I'm still off my meds and I know how easily I am triggered and personal time like this is so important. I've been in the same spot for most of the day so I'm going to take off and find a new place to be in before I go in to work. Hope you're having a great day.

Love yourselves.

Navy guy. Comdoms. Jerk.

In my early twenties I dated a man who was active in the navy. We became sexually active and our method of birth control was condoms. I insisted we use them every time. He didn't seem to have a problem with that until one night while we were having sex he was on top of me and slightly lifted himself up to, what I thought was, adjust himself. I didn't know until we finished having sex that he had actually took the condom off. When I asked him why he did that he said because he was uncomfortable. Because clearly his comfort came above my choice. He didn't understand why that made me so upset. At that time there was no day after pill. There was only the old school method which consisted of worrying until your period came. Thankfully mine did and he shipped out as navy navy men do.

When I look back on that night I mostly remember how annoyed he was that I was mad that he would do something like that. And he wouldn't acknowledge the potential position he put me in. What if I had gotten pregnant, an STD?

It's awful that women's bodies don't seem to mean anything to some men except how comfortable he is. I know this is something that men do very often. I'm sorry that others have to experience it. Will the day ever come that our mental and physical comfort matters too?

Work. Feature. Bad knee.

I'm with a client right now in Inglewood. When I leave here I'm heading to L.A. for a show I'm in where I am the feature. For some reason I thought this show was next week. I've been getting my days mixed up lately. Mostly because I haven't been writing things down and trusting myself to just remember. Not a good idea.

Anyway, I'm still off of my meds. It's been a few weeks, maybe more. I feel good. I'm being very careful with myself. Walking and trying to avoid stress when I can. I've also been taking spa days when I can. I usually just shower, hot tub, sauna and get in the sleeping rooms where I have the absolute best rest ever. Also I write there. If I can do it I will stay off of the meds. I hope I make it. If I can't and need the pills I'll go back on them.

My knee though. My knee has been giving me a lot of trouble. I don't know what it is. It bothers me to walk and stand on it. Stairs are the worst. Even going up my porch which only has three steps bothers me. I trust it will get better though.

I hope you all rest well and I'll connect soon!

Tubular pregnancy. Mother. Now.

I remember when I was a young. I don't remember how old I was. Maybe eleven or twelve and my sister was four years younger. My mother had a tubular pregnancy and had to be rushed to the hospital. I was in a room with her and she was talking to me. I don't recall the whole conversation but at the end she told me to take care of my sister. I didn't know what was going on. I kept thinking that she was going to die. To save my mother's life they did abort the baby. If that happens to women today though, the might just die because of new anti abortion laws. Even if a woman has a miscarriage she might have to face jail. I thought being while black was scary. Being while woman in her childbearing years is also frightening. This is a mixed up world we live in. These are awful times. This is a war. This is hatred. This is criminal. This is now.

Me

I am a river
That flows into bigger rivers
The rabbit that runs across graves
The subtle shake
The simple quiver

I am a chorus
A question
An unloaded gun
A bullet nearby

I am a holy war
A quiet riot

Video. Pamela Turner. Self care.

I can't watch the video of Pamela Turner being killed. I don't know what that makes me. A part of me feels like if she can go through it I can witness it. But I just can't. What I know mostly is that MOST of my days are days when I am ignoring voices telling me to take ALL of the pills. And I will tell you, ignoring takes work. Today is not one of those days. Today I see all these tomorrows possible and in the name of my own self care. The peace in my head. I can't watch it. I hope not one more person sends it to me.

Tears

• Sadly, we stay saying names. Pamela Turner.

Names

Bella Edwards.

Dream. Fire. Meaning.

Last night I had a dream that the town I lived in was on fire. Someone knew beforehand that the fire was coming and asked me to draw as many pictures as I could. I did. Then the fires started. One house after the next. I ran in as many houses as I could and pulled folks out of burning houses. I lifted this old woman who was in a wheelchair. I lifted the chair with the woman in it. Some people burned though. And I woke up sad about that. I didn't know the town or the people or why I had the dream but I had it and maybe it meant something.

Mother's day

I am thankful to have my mother, Patricia Davis Turner on the planet. Happy mother's day!

Prize

After he told me that we should be together like I should be his girlfriend he paused and said

You should be happy now.

A prayer

Giving thanks for fire in the sky
For the sky
For the gray
For water that falls
For a good roof
The money on the food stamp card
Medical
The meds
This poem
This one by one
This minute by minute

Paper

I have never won a poetry award
I did not graduate from college
I am not the best poet I know
But I know that this is the work of my life
I wish I could save lives
I wish so many children were not killing themselves
Each death makes me write another poem
Because that is what I do

I don't know how a ten year old girl knows how to kill herself
At ten I didn't even know how to live
Let alone die

I wish so many women were not missing
I wish my poetry could find them
I wish so many men and women were not the enemy of police and lawyers and judges

What my melanin do to you
Why my nappy hair offend you
Why I got to die

When it is my time to go
My poetry will not save my life
Do you know how many dead poets I know
Wanna count with me

I wish boys and girls could love who they want to love
Without fearing losing their families
Their homes
Their shadows
Their wings
Their lives

I wish my poetry could protect all my children
Your children are my children too

I wish my poetry believed in time
I wish it could fly
I wish bullets could bounce off my stanzas

I don't know why I belong to this art
Or why it belongs to me
I am obedient to the call
Who
Who
Who else would I be
Most days I love it

I saw families being moved out of their tents on Venice and Cadillac
Their belongings thrown into a dumpster
I wish people didn't take over other people's neighborhoods
I wish we could all eat and be rescued from the sky and cement

I wish I could sleep at night without writing all this down
But I told you that this is my call
I am so outraged on many days
The news
The killings
The prisons
A woman gave birth to her baby alone in a cell
Did you know that
Is there a poem for that
What would it say
How would it begin
What good is this thing
I would go insane without my prayers and journals

Who are you
Why are you driven to do what you do
How do you fight off your crazy
How do you release
Let go
Tell me
I want to know

Depression

It is a wild fire
It is bigger than a hashtag
A terror a bad tooth

This sad is a death
I have died and have come back to life
I fought the devil
I got out of bed
I stayed in bed
I have been afraid of a shower
Days at a time
Avoided a toothbrush
Pained my way to the toilet

Do you want to talk about it
Do you want to change the subject
Do you want to run away
Will you listen when I call
Are you tired of me yet

Show me a valley
A voice
Greater than this depression
This thing is not convenient
Is not polite
Fuck your feelings
Fuck your life
What you believe
The god you know
This thing will keep you awake at night
Quoting scripture to you
And you call yourself a poet
Describe this heat
This brick so nasty

This thing comes with voices
That dares me to bleed
To jump
To swallow all the pills
To die more times
To wish for death
This thing is courageous
It is bold and badder than your preacher
It moves

It lives mostly in my fingers
Daring me to not have a future
It will jump in front of a moving truck
It pulls out hair
It is a wicked symphony
That will not end
It is the worst poem
It dares you to pray it away

This is a dizzy that has moved in
A building I bang my head against
Every day

Park. Walk. Meeting.

Good morning. It's a beautiful day. I arrived about two hours early to my meeting in Pasadena today so I could go for a walk. I feel great. I slept well and I hope to have lovely things happen. I hope you're well.

Nailah!

Nailah Porter is featuring tonight at The World Stage! It's going to be an amazing set. Also I will have some art for sale.

Spa. Sleep.

Good morning people. I'm still at the spa. Getting ready to leave. I slept really well last night. I hope you did too.

Love yourselves.

Happy. Off meds. Sleeping room.

The spa in L.A. is my happy place. The price is right and I can stay all night. I don't come as often as I would like to because time, because money, because because. A day like this though, I needed it. I'm in my sleeping spot now and will probably get up in an hour and get back in the hot tub.

Going off my meds is a bitch. But I really need a break. A break from feeling numb and dead. A break from what the meds do to my body and mind. When I go off them though I am also a mess. I'm afraid...of everything. Afraid of the night afraid of alone afraid of the tears that come at awful times. That's what I'm going through now, not being able to sleep and crying all the time. But the spa magic.

Uraeus has the place to himself tonight. He said he likes it. I imagine he needs his space from time to time.

I don't remember the last good rest I got. I plan to get it tonight though. I have been coming to this spa for many years. It has two sleeping rooms, and Korean tv, steam room and other stuff that make me feel comfortable.  I'm alone in the sleeping room right now. All good. I'm hoping a poem will come to me. We will see.

Love yourselves.

HIPPA

Annoyed.

I called my caseworker because I haven't received an appointment with a therapist. The last time I spoke with my doctor I requested a therapist and he agreed I see one. All appointments like this are set up with caseworker. I called him a week ago and didn't get a call back. I called today and he answered the phone.

Me: I need to get an appointment to see a therapist.

Him: About what?

Me: Therapist stuff.

Him: I need more information.

Me: The doctor already said I could see therapist.

Him: Why don't you come in and see m

Me: No. I don't want to drive all the way from Pomona to see you to tell you what what I want to talk to the therapist about.

Him: Well I'll see what I can do but he might need more information.

*And now I'm sitting in the parking lot at Ross because I'm afraid to be alone at home because all I want to do is take all of the pills.

Smile. Hands.

Today someone asked me what made me smile. Thankfully I had an answer. I was washing my hands and looked in the mirror and and smiled at my reflection which is rare for me because I often avoid mirrors. What made you smile?

New client

Sunday, May 5, 2019 9:41am Inglewood

I'm sitting outside of my client's home right now. He might be my new regular weekend client which will work great. I really like him and his family. I don't start today for a couple of hours but I didn't feel like going home after I took Uraeus to work. I wanted to get some writing in. So far it's not really happening but something will come. It always does. I had a dream last night that would have made an excellent movie but of course I don't remember it now. Anyway, I'll doodle and a line of a poem may pop up. I hope you have a great day.

Love yourselves

Pills and more pills.

I took too many sleeping pills on Monday and missed all of Tureaday / the morning meeting / driving my son to work / the phone calls / the sun the moon / every bit

Memory

We were driving down a long road / the daytime in our faces / the quiet rode with us / you snapped me out of my thought to say that you didn't know if I was on my period or not / but that I had better snap out out of it / as if it my quiet was your it / belonged to you /