Missed appointment. No pills. Sitting.

Hello everyone. This morning I had an appointment with my psychiatrist. I was supposed to be there at 11:30. I didn't make it because the woman who was supposed to relieve me didn't arrive until 11:30. So there's that. A part of me didn't want to go anyway. I was just going to see him to get a prescription for more pills. I haven't been on my meds in weeks. I have plenty of pills. I don't have any sleeping pills though.

I tell myself that I am not strong enough to have sleeping pills right now. I know I am right. I am afraid of taking all of them. There are a few places I am safe enough to say that. My blog is one of those places. When I tell people I'm off my meds I know they don't understand. Most look at me as if to ask why. Some ask. But even when I tell them part of the reason is that my body needs a break. I need to feel. Part of the reason is that I can't trust myself not to take all of them. They say just don't take all of them. And I know the conversation is useless. So I check out. Not before seeing that look on their faces that tells me that I get what's coming to me since I have chosen this. It's ok. I don't even answer the look. I just go about my day. My full time job, staying alive.

I'm sitting in the car right now. It's 7:47pm and I go into work at 9. So just a little while to go. I had a meeting in Pasadena today that went well. And now I'm sitting. Thinking. Praying. Praying the way I pray. Later I will call or text Uraeus to find out about his day. To see if the plumber showed up. To hear his voice. I hope my client had a good day. He refused to let me change him this morning. It's like that sometimes. Wonder how I'll be when I am old. If I am old.

I could use a drink right now. But I'm good. I'll have water. Or juice. I'll survive tonight without wine. It's not that serious. You know what is that serious though? A grilled cheese sandwich. I'll be here for six more nights so I bought groceries for myself. It's on and poppin' when I go in for my shift. I bought the thick bread I like and sharp cheddar cheese too.

I hope your day was good. I hope you laughed. I laughed today. During my meeting. I don't remember what was funny. But I laughed and I had some good clam chowder soup from Whole Foods Market.

It's 7:57. I have about an hour. I'm just breathing. Like taking deep breaths. Like letting them out slowly. I'm just here. Not thinking about much. Thinking about everything. Maybe you understand.

Have a good night though. I hope you have a really good night.