*memoir under construction DEAR GOD a memoir in verse

1.

Dear God, 

You were there
Were You there
In Sunday school 
Miss Williams said You were everywhere

The five of us were there
In the small white tent next door
I don't remember any of their names
Only hands
Only fingers
Hers

The big girl's hand pressed against my red barrettes 
Pushing and pulling my head on his dick
It was not like peppermint or Bit O Honey
It was a Bomb Pop and Big Stick
But not sweet and orange
It was Play Do left open
Ashy and uncared for
Pointing and ready for me
To suck

I was four and he was nineteen, I think
He was a black boy
Wore faded blue jeans 
And a half smile on his dark brown and bumpy looking face

What was his name, God
You know all the hairs on our heads, God
Like the song says
You knew his name
And his smell
And his eyes
And her hands
You knew why, God
Rev. Ford said God always in control
So You knew

The girls were sixteen and seventeen, I think
There was another boy
Little like me
He didn't have to suck dick 
Because the big boy wasn't no fag

So there was just me 
And my tiny lips and throat 
And a dick
A dick, God
I always knew that boys had pee pees 
But this was my first dick
Do pee pees grow into dicks

I must have done a real good job
Way she inhaled hissed and ahhhed
Then there was wet that was not spit from my choke
God, are dicks always so messy and wet

He peed in my mouth
He peed in my mouth 
I screamed and ran out the tent

I tried to race to my house 
Just next door to my father 
Who would beat that dick up if he knew

The youngest and meanest of the big girls caught me
Tied a thick brown rope around my neck 
Lifted me to the clothes line post cemented in the ground
Held my body as it swung

This post was not for sun drying dresses and skirts
To be worn on Sundays with lace socks and black shoes
This post was a four year old's Calvary

Jesus wept and I did too
Did you leave Jesus alone
Was Jesus scared
Did Jesus wonder why he was so bad

Her lips close as a prayer when she threatened if I told
Said I was a nasty girl anyway
Said she would run tell my mother first 
Because I was out here being fass
Being all nasty

I was dirty

I have been nasty and dirty ever since
Are You the same God
The one who could never
Get me quite clean
No matter my awards or deeds
No matter how fast I forgave
No matter the down ass / ride or die bitch I proved myself to be
I never got clean

2.
When I got home 
I don't remember what I did
I remember I was afraid
I had something to hide
Not like I had done something bad
I WAS something bad

I was a thing now
Not sugar and spice
I was mud and wet grass
I was hard rocks and trash

I knew You didn't like bad
Knew my parents could never find out 
The nasty thing I did
Put my mouth on a big boy's penis and sucked
It didn't matter the girl's made me
I still did it
I still sucked
Except I wasn't sucking at all
Was choking on a dick 
Too big for my lips 
Too heavy for my throat
No good girl would ever do that

I was a sinner
A dirty sinner
A fass ass dirty sinner

That night my mother gave me a bath
Asked me about the rope burn and I lied
Said I was playing a game
What game could I have been playing that would cause a rope burn
I knew she didn't believe me

Now I was a lying fass ass dirty sinner
I don't remember what happened to the dick 
Or the little boy 
Or the two girls next door
I don't remember them babysitting me anymore after that

Did You hear my prayers, God
Did You hear them after that
Do You ever listen now

My dolls weren't the same anymore
My coloring books either
My mother was pregnant with my sister
I was too little to play with other neighborhood kids by myself
Didn't matter though
What would we play
Games weren't the same

There was a dick