Sunday Stories (14)

During this time when we are "safer at home" I have had time to do a lot of reflecting and also time to see how truly blessed I am. Many people know that I have lived with depression and anxiety for many years. For many people, these are very hard times emotionally. Friends have reached out to me to check on my mental state. After the first few calls and texts and hearing myself say "I'm fine" on repeat, I sat with myself to do a real check in.

While I am dealing with the things that literally the rest of the world is also dealing with. Trying to stock food, toilet paper and all the household items, in addition, as a painter finding art supplies is a challenge. I am really okay. As okay as I can be, I guess. Being an artist who lives from art / book sales and performances I have concerns about how long I will be able to keep this up without leaving home. But right now I am okay. I have food, rent, phone, clothes, love and good health.

You know what else I have constantly that I didn't regularly have before? I have peace. In the morning when I wake up I am not preparing to go out into the world. To see clients. To work. To perform. To teach a class. To deal with crowded airports. To go here. To go there. There were many days I wasn't emotionally healthy enough to do all of those things. But I got up early and put the face on.

During these weeks of isolation I get up and pray and write and paint. I take time to cook breakfast. I post art to sell. I don't have to put on a face for anyone. I never paid full attention to how heavy that face was. I didn't realize how high I held my shoulders. How stiff I kept my back. Didn't realize how much emotional eating I was doing.

In this new normal, I eat the food I cook. I drink tea, a lot. I haven't bought a bottle of wine or thc drops the whole period of this isolation. I used to always keep alcohol in my home. I don't even miss it. My prayers are more elaborate, some days. I am really talking to and spending time with God. I feel God everywhere. I feel God's presence throughout my body. I love my body. I have space in my head. Space for everything but one thing at a time. Space to worry, to be happy, space to create, to praise. SPACE FOR ME! I'm not bombarded with all the thoughts and feelings at once and at the same time having to be gentle with the clients I work with as a caregiver.

I am adjusting to this new way. The world will open up again, I believe. I'm not ready to go back out yet though. When I do have anxiety attacks it's at the thought of going back to the same old busy way. I have never had this much time to sit with myself. To mind my mind. I am thankful for this time. Thankful for this peace.