Before

This is the last night
Before the new year comes in
Santa's come and now gone

Pomona. New place. Happy.

Monday, December 31, 2018 12:29pm. Pomona. Home.

Uraeus and I are in our new place! I'm really happy. I'm also very thankful. Thankful for the journey. We're taking a quick break from unloading the car. We still have things we need to purchase but we're OK for now.  It really feels good to call some place home. We are spending the night tonight, even without furniture, because Uraeus starts work in the morning and his job is close to here.

God is sure faithful.

I hope you're well.

Last night at Michelle's. New place. Journey.

Sunday, December 30, 2018 6:01pm. Los Angeles. Michelle's.

Tomorrow morning we pick up the keys to our new place! I'm so excited! It's been a journey. Hotel hopping, staying with friends, Airbnb, sister's. But God has blessed us and we made it. I feel like a child on Christmas Eve. I don't usually like to get up early but I am all too happy to get up at 8 and head out there.

I'm so thankful that God protected us on our journey. Thankful that God always provided and I trust that God always will. I know this is not the end of the road I'm just giving thanks for the path we crossed so far.

I hope you have a good night.

Brew

Ain't no regular
Hocus Pocus. This is some
Brew straight from the Gods.

Gratitude

For the sun rising
For the love of family and friends
For trees
How they blow and whisper
Way the clouds cover my head
Remind me to remember
For the cracks in the sidewalks
Guiding me on my way
And water
Always water
Ocean
River
Rain
I give thanks

Chill. Netflix. New chapter.

Saturday, December 29, 2018 5:30pm. Long Beach. Sister's.

It's been a good day today. A chill day. I'm still Netflix binging. Roshann and her family come back tomorrow. We pick up the keys to the new place on Monday. A new chapter is beginning.

Have a good one.

Donna

I found out that my childhood friend who passed away had been sick. Bless her heart. Bless her family and friends. She went through this privately. I understand that.

Dad

Missing you today
All those conversations
Flood my memory like ocean
Like scripture
Way you could make me laugh
Could make me cry too
Your hands
I remember your hands
When I was a girl I put my hand in yours

You taught me to fly a kite
You were my magic man
Diamond soaring high
Riding the waves of the wind
Take me with you
Take me with you

Look at me
Can you see me now
Ever hear me cry for you
Was that you rustling in the leaves the other day

Know how much you're loved, Dad
Know how much you're missed

Father's birthday. Love. Criminal Minds.

Friday, December 28, 2018 7:35pm. Long Beach. Sister's.

Today would have been my father's birthday. I'm sending love and good thoughts. I miss him. Miss his jokes. He was the funniest man in the world. Really. It's been about ten years since he passed away.

I love you, Dad. Love you so much.

Uraeus and I are at my sister's home with my mother. She, my mother, had another one of her headaches again so she's in her room resting. My sister and her family are out of town until Sunday. Hopefully my mother will be feeling better soon. Her headaches get scary.

Uraeus is in the room and I'm in the front still binging on Criminal Minds.

Love yourselves.

Sing

Love is the memory of my grandfather's pipe
Way the smoke would settle in his palms
It is the hymns the deacons and mothers would sing on Sunday mornings
Love is morning
It is breath
Every inhale
Every Amen
Every praise

Love is the clouds
The pictures they make
Stories they tell

Love is the black dye in my grandmother's Jheri curl
Her belly laugh and perfect cursive

Love is
Love is
Love is

Donna. Prayers. Died.

I just found out that a childhood friend of mine passed away last night. Her name was Donna Powell and she was a beautiful woman inside and out. My prayers go out to her family and friends. I don't know what happened but I guess I'll find that out later. Or not. The reality is that she died like everybody dies, she stopped breathing. I hope it was nothing tragic like a murder or something like that. Although if it was something like that I think I would have heard. So sad. She was so young. She couldn't have been more than fifty. Yes fifty is young. Again, I'll be praying for her family.

Tell your loved ones you love them.

Speak

Investigation
Of the love above the clouds
Spirit speaking now

Life

This wonderful life
This so beautiful moment
Lands on me easy

Place. Long Beach. Beautiful.

Wednesday, December 26, 2018 2:08pm. Long Beach. Sister's.

Well we have a place now! I really like it. We move in on the first of the month. It's out in Pomona in a lovely neighborhood.

Today we are at my sister's place with my mother. My sister and her family are out of town so we are staying with my mother so she won't be alone.

So our chapter of homelessness is over. I'm thankful that we were always covered. That we always ate and had each other. God is faithful.

It's a beautiful day out. It's also Wednesday so I might go out to The World Stage tonight. Maybe I'll be inspired to write. Perhaps I'll post more later. I truly hope that you are all grateful for your lives.

Love yourselves.

Christmas. Family. Lakers.

Tuesday, December 25, 2018 8:13pm. Long Beach. Sister's.

It's Christmas! I'm with my family eating and watching the Lakers beat Golden State. It's a great night. Ursula and her family came over and that was good. So we had an active three year old in the house.

Tomorrow I'm going out to see the place in Pomona. My mom said she wants to go too. That would be good.

I'm going to engage with my people now before they leave.

Be good to yourselves.

Lifetime. Food. Rambling.

Monday, December 24, 2018 8:45pm. Long Beach. Sister's.

Thank God for Lifetime movies. My mother didn't go to work today so she stayed home and we watched movies together. Uraeus and I went out for a minute and he ordered some gifts for the family. They won't be here until next month but it's what he wanted to do. I love him so much.

I didn't get any poems done but I still intend to. I've been working on one for my mother in my head for some time but nothing in print. It will come.

Tomorrow is Christmas. I think about my father this time of year. His birthday is the 28th of this month. He died about ten years ago. I miss him a lot but I'm glad he is in a better place. Everyone says that. A better place. But he's not drinking or lonely. He's not ill or plaged with dreams.

This is a good movie I'm watching now. About a girl who was kidnapped and held underground. It's called Girl in a Bunker. It's sad though because it happens every day. People going missing. When I see posts I say a prayer for them. But this is a movie and it's almost over and she will be found safe.

Food and I had a call tonight with Adenike and Peter about being the guests for the next Red Stories in January. I'm glad they agreed.

I'm rambling now. Gonna log off. I hope you're well.

Love yourselves.

Deja. Uraeus. Me.

Sunday, December 23, 2018 5:41pm. Long Beach. Sister's.

My sister and her family are back from Arizona. Deja and her team won the tournament. Right now Uraeus and I are in my mother's room. My mother is at work. She'll be back around midnight. I'm cleaning my mother's room for Christmas. Those are the kinds of presents I'm giving this year. I'm not much of a Christmas gifter anyway.

These are my favorite moments, when my family is together watching TV, on our phones, doing laundry, doing whatever, just being together.

I'm thinking of writing poems for my family this year. I've never done that. I don't know how much they will appreciate it but I want to do it. Also thinking of writing a whole lot more next year. Maybe a poem a day. I don't think I'll post them on Facebook like I did last time. Just something I do quietly and post them here on this blog.

I feel good today. I'm so happy about that. I'm not crying. I'm not sad. I don't feel depressed or anxious. I feel regular. That a thing? Regular?

Gonna get back to cleaning my mother's room and watching this movie on Lifetime. It's Lifetime so you know the one. Girl is in foreign country. Girl gets taken. Girl is getting prepared to be sold in auction. Girl has super badass mom who rescues girl. Only girl hasn't been rescued yet because it's not time for movie to end. But it's coming.

Y'all be well.

Good day. Rest. Netflix.

Saturday, December 22, 2018 7:23pm. Long Beach. Sister's.

Good day today. Rested mostly. Read a little. Trying to read more. When I'm not reading my writing is trash. I think every writer should read more than she writes.

Right now though I'm binge watching Criminal Minds on Netflix. One of my favorite shows. I'll get back to reading later.

Be well.

Good sleep. Moving. Lithium.

I'm feeling better today than I was yesterday. I slept well. Something about the day that brightenes my perspective. Even if just a little.

I'm scheduled to see the place where Uraeus and I plan to move on the day after Christmas. Well, I'll be seeing it that day but we aren't moving until the first. It will be good to start off the new year in a place where we are renting. Not staying with friends or a hotel. Things are looking up.

I know I'm jumping around here but I often do. The doctor at the missed appointment clinic was trying to persuade me into going off the Lorazapam. My old doctor often told me that it wasn't does for long term use. I know they're both right I just can't find the right time to go off of it. I really depend on it to sleep. Especially when I'm depressed. I'm scared about using it though because it effects the memory. With my family history of dementia I don't need anything else causing me to lose my memory.

Speaking of the meds the lithium could be causing harm to my kidneys. I'm going to look into some herbs to protect them as well as drinking more water. I don't have a new years resolution or anything but if there is something I'm going to change in the new year it's staying hydrated.

God I'm glad I'm feeling better today. The fog is still there and the tears still flow for no real reason but I'm not where I was. I'm going to rest today and keep breathing through it.

I hope you're well.

Love yourselves.

Clemency. Cyntionia. Black lives.

The fucking Tennessee Gov. is not going to grant clemency to Cyntonia Brown. This shit is crazy Black and brown bodies mean nothing and our lives don't matter. This is what this world is showing us. He granted freedom to eleven others but she was not on the list. Fucking wow.

Movies. Green Book. Mom.

Friday, December 21, 2018 12:05am. Long Beach. Sister's.

My mom and I are just getting in from the movies. We saw Green Book. We loved it. Going to the movies is a thing my mom and I do together that we enjoy.

We're back now though. The house is quiet. Uraeus and Reuben are in the back rooms. My mother is in her room. And I'm in the living room. Everyone else is still in Arizona at Deja's games.

I'm still breathing through it. This cloud. This fucking fog. This depression I can't wash off. I know the thoughts and voices are lying but they are loud and they are convincing. Sometimes I feel so powerful. And then there are times like now. When the fog is heavy above my head and the thoughts are overwhelming and I feel like nothing. The feeling goes away eventually. But while I'm in it, I'm in it. Sometimes I can't see myself on the other side of it. Every good thing I do feels like the last time I'm going to do it. Like tonight felt like the last movie I will watch with my mother. Before we left Uraeus gave me a hug and told me he loved me. Felt like the last time I would hear that from him. Last time I would feel his arms around me. It's a feeling I can't explain. I try and I feel I can never accurately describe the hopelessness. I get through it every time but I'm fucked up somewhere in it. Every time. There are days I just don't feel strong enough to be here. It's hardest when I'm with my family because I feel the pressure to pretend everything is OK. I don't want to show them how I really feel because I don't think they could deal with it. Also I don't want to make them sad. It's a confusing thing to be on the other end of this shit. They don't know what's wrong. They can't make me happy and I can't tell them. I can't point to anything and say this is making me feel this way. This is why I'm crying. This is why I can't get off the couch. Sometimes I want to die. It's not my time yet I know. My family and friends still need me and I need them. I want to see Uraeus live out his life. I don't want to die in this funk. I wanna die happy. It won't last forever. I keep telling myself that I'm stronger than this is. And sometimes I even believe me.

If you or someone you know is going through this I hope that you know that you are bigger than this. I hope you believe yourself when you tell yourself that you are.

I'm going to try to get some sleep. I hope you rest well.

Love yourselves.

Depression. Thoughts. Flood.

Thursday, December 20, 2018 3:14pm. Long Beach. Sister's.

The depression is coming back. The thoughts are back. I'm breathing through it. I'm not surprised. I felt like it would come like flood when I got still enough. I just feel stuck. I couldn't even go out to The World Stage last night and I was scheduled to read. I was with my mom and son and just couldn't go.

Like I said it's here and I'm breathing through it. It will pass.

New

A chapter is ending in my life and a new chapter is beginning.

Gratitude

Wednesday, December 19, 2018 12:05pm. Long Beach. Sister's.

I give thanks for newness of this day. The light brought clarity. Brought determination and hope. Sometimes I get lost in the night. Last night was one of those nights. But I'm feeling much better today. I think I can run on.

Love yourselves.

Scary. Lesson. Breathe.

Tuesday, December 18, 2018 7:44pm. Long Beach. Sister's.

Sometimes the night is scary. They say fear and faith cannot exist in the same space at the same time. I don't know. I know my lesson is to breathe. Just breathe. The light will be here in the morning.

Angel

Dear Angel

I don't know what it is like to have my freedom taken away from me
Especially at such a young age
But I know an oppressors hand over my mouth
Silencing me
Daring me to dream

I wish you so many dreams come true
Young sister
I wish for you a stage where you shout your poems beyond the reach of your enemies
I wish you music an dancing feet

Young Angel
You know by now that life is not fair
You had to learn too early how to fight to get yours
I see you, sis

For what it's worth, I'm sorry
For every time you had to raise a fist
For every you received hate instead of love

This message is for you
Carry it knowing that someone out there is holding you in prayer
Someone is wishing the best for you
Someone knows that you are worth fighting for

My love to you
Jaha

Sitting. Class. Scream.

Monday, December 17, 2018 5:00pm. Los Angeles. USC.

Sitting on the car waiting for class to begin. I had a quick errand to run before class which is why I'm here early. Michelle's sister sent us (Michelle, Uraeus and me) books, cards and chocolate. I had a moment to look over some of the poetry in my book. I love it so far. I'm looking forward to being in a space to read again. Not so much a physical space because I do have that but more a place mentally where I can focus. It's coming soon though.

As I'm sitting in the car a woman walked by me pushing a stroller with a young child inside. Suddenly she started screaming "Sit the fuck down and pay attention!" Seriously? That's how we talking to babies now?

Tomorrow Uraeus and I will be with my mom. My sister and family are going out of town and my mom doesn't like to be there alone. Maybe we will see a movie while we're there. She and I want to see Green Book. Uraeus doesn't. I don't know what's on his radar to see. Maybe Aquaman. All of us want to see Aquaman.

Well I'm going to peruse this ook some more then head off to class.

Love yourselves.

Lazy. Michelle's. Prayers.

Sunday, December 16, 2018 8:40pm. Los Angeles. Michelle's.

Today was a lazy day for me. I was in bed mist of the day. And by most of the day I mean MOST of the day. I'm all caught up on any rest I might have been missing. The only work I got done was reaching out to the feature (hopefully) for Red Stories in January.

Thankfully I got a call that next week Uraues and I can check out the place we are planning to rent in January. That was good news. The other good thing that happened was that Michelle made the best banana nut muffins. So good.

Well tomorrow's another day and it's back to work. I'm glad I had today. Oh, I read that Cyntonia Brown has a clemency hearing coming up. Please send your prayers up with me. She had already been in jail for 13 years. And 13 years too long if you ask me.

I hope you got some good rest today also on this lovely Sunday.

Love yourselves.

Penelope. Christmas party. Uraeus.

Saturday, December 15, 2018 11:17pm. Los Angeles. Michelle's.

Uraeus and I are just getting in from Penelope's Christmas party. There were some people from CLI there. It was great to see Charlie and Aubry and a bunch of other folks. I'm so glad Uraeus went with me. They recognized him from photos I post on Facebook and Instagram. Especially good to see Penelope and Charles tonight. Their mother recently passed away so this is their first Christmas without her.

I saw Angela tonight also. I'm sending prayers for her brother who is bipolar and is unmedicated out in the streets. If you are a praying person please send out a prayer for Mark. He could be any of us.

Well I'm going to take my meds and go to bed. I give thanks for all of my blessings, the ones I know about and the ones I don't. I give thanks for Uraeus. For my friends and family. For food and shelter. For Michelle. For peace and ease in my head. I am thankful for sanity. Thankful that with everything going on I am not going through a depressive episode. I'm thankful for so much.

Gonna say good night now.

Love yourselves.

Deon

Friday, December 14, 2018 20:49pm. Los Angeles. Michelle's.

Had dinner and drinks with a friend tonight. I have known him about seven years but this was the first time we had one on one time. I enjoyed myself. Our original plans were to go to the movies but I arrived late, which is not like me by the way. So we settled on food then drinks at another spot after.

I had a good day today. I finally have my meds and I took my sleeping pill so I woke up late. It was a good day to wake up late too. It was nice and gray and looked like it wanted to rain but it didn't.y kind of weather. Also, Michelle's wonderful sister sent us all books and cards and chocolate. How sweet is that?! The book she sent me is a collection of poetry called FASTER THAN LIGHT by an African American woman named Marilyn Nelson. I'm looking forward to exploring the book.

Well enough about my day. I'm going to take my meds and get some rest.

Oh, special note. My cousin, Deon was travlling from Austin, Texas to Portland, Oregon and he made it safely. I'm glad about that. That's a long drive. Prayers answered.

Be great.

Love yourselves.

Michelle's. Irritated. Sex trafficking.

Thursday, December 13, 2018 9:04pm. Los Angeles. Michelle's.

Uraeus and I got back about an hour ago. We had a good day together. We handled some business this morning then had lunch. I had to see the doctor and so he rode with me out there. I saw the missed appointment doctor and she was really nice. We talked briefly about my old doctor. She misses her too. She told me how the Lorazapam I'm taking could harm my memory in the long run and that I should consider going off of it. I don't know when I would do it because I seriously do not sleep well without it. I'm going to try though. She also told me how the other meds effect my weight. So true. I have GOT to exercise more. My weight is getting out of control. This is the heaviest I've been in life and I don't like it.

Speaking of things I don't like. I got hella irritated today. Uraeus was inside the market and I stayed in the car. I was scrolling on Facebook and kept coming across all these posts. One was about a group of white teens throwing stuff over the freeway ramp and onto cars. One of them threw a sandbag over and a 22 year old black man was killed. How much time in jail are the white boys going to do? Not a day! They are going to some kind of center for a short period of time but not jail. Our boys would have gotten life. Then another post where a teen was sentenced to 65 years for a murder he didn't commit. Like, he really didn't. Then another post and another and another all where some injustice has been committed. I was just overwhelmed. It was too much and I'm sick of this shit. It doesn't help that I'm still sick about the case of Cyntonia Brown. I saw today some black folks online talking about how she deserves to be in prison because she killed her rapist while he was sleep. What the fuck?! This girl was the victim of sex trafficking and was sold by a man named Kut Throat to a 43 year old man. She was only 16. 16! She did what she had to do to get free. Being black is amazing. But it is hard and dangerous to live in our bodies on most days. It just is. That's why I'm so big on posting things I'm grateful for. I know that the blessings I have aren't promised to me. I don't take for granted my safety and shelter and sanity.

But enough venting (for now). I've got a lot of emotions going on. I need to just go to bed. I finally have my meds. Thank God. I need to just take these pills and drift off into some perfect dream. Please let it be perfect. Let there be a puppy. Let me be smiling. Let there be green grass and a lake.

So I took a long break from this post because I heard Michelle coming in and I wanted to talk to her. We had a good conversation although I'm afraid I did most of the talking. But that feeling, that irritation, that yuck feeling is gone and I think I can rest. I'm also going to take my meds without taking my sleeping pill tonight. I'm going to try anyway.

My conversation with Michelle shifted my energy in such a mighty way. I am so thankful for her.

Anyway, I'm going to get these pills together and go to sleep. I'm so weak. I am going g to take my sleeping pill after all. I'll start weaning myself off next week. Hell, maybe that will be my new years resolution or something but for now, I need it.

Have a good night, y'all.

Love yourselves.

Work. Good day. Booked.

Wednesday, December 12, 2018 6:13pm. Los Angeles.

I'm at my client's home right now. My favorite client. She's doing well. She has dementia but we still manage to have some pretty cool conversations, as long as I let her pick the topic. She remembers some stories from her childhood and I enjoy listening to them. I'll be here until 11:00 tonight so there will be more stories.

Overall I had a pretty good day today. My shift here will go fast. It usually does. Thankfully I go to pick up my meds tomorrow. My doctor wouldn't call my refill so I have to go see the people you see when you miss an appointment. Whatever, my other doctor would have called it in for me. It's cool though. Not expecting ANYTHING extra from him.

I got booked for a reading today. It's not until the 20th of next month but I was glad to get the call. I really like the producer. The money is not great but I can sell books. It's on the same day as Red Stories. It's ok though because the reading is in the morning at 11:30 and Red Stories is that night. That's also the same day as my nephew's 21st birthday. Lot going on.

OK, let me tend to my client.

Love yourselves.

Ralph's. Rolls. Fiction.

Tuesday, December 11, 2018 6:56pm. Los Angeles.

I'm sitting in the Ralph's Market parking lot. Just got off work and I bought some California rolls for dinner. I'm going to hear and share some poetry tonight at Da Poetry Lounge which is pretty close to me. I'm expecting tonight to be a good night. We have an empty spot in fiction class at CLI so I'd like to do some recruiting if I can.

Have a good night.

Love yourselves.

Cyntonia Brown. Victim. 16.

Cyntonia Brown was a victim of sex trafficking. She was 16 years old and a man was raping her. She got up enough courage to kill him. Now, she has to serve at least 51 years before she can get out of jail. Yes she was a black girl. Did you need to ask? No this would not be the sentence for a white woman or girl. This is living in a body of color.

Michelle's. Sweater weather. Move.

Monday, December 10, 2018 1:40pm. Los Angeles. Michelle's.

It's a beautiful day. A bit overcast but just how I like it and I can see the snow on the mountains. That good good sweater weather. I got some great news on a place for Uraeus and me to move into. It will be ready on the first. We like that. We are still standing and we still know, no matter the circumstances, we are very blessed. Speaking of blessings, I have my class tonight with CLI and tonight is payday. Yep, more into the savings pot. God is faithful. Well I'm parked in a one hour spot so I'll be leaving very early for class. I'm going to go somewhere I can get some writing in. I haven't written a poem or story in a while. Tonight seems like a good night for it. If I get anywhere on it I'll post it. If not I'll keep working on it until it looks like something I'm proud of.

I hope everyone is having a good day.

Love yourselves.

Family. Bed. Mother.

Sunday, December 9, 2018 6:24pm. Long Beach. Sister's.

Uraeus and I came down to LB yesterday. Been hanging with family. Good times. I love lying in bed with my mother watching Lifetime movies with my mother. I am blessed to still have her.

I want to be writing stories and poetry.  I have to work on more of it. I have been writing writing in some time. Soon though.

I hope you all are having a good day.

Love yourselves.

Stage. Good night. Poetry high.

Thursday, December 6, 2018 12:12am. Los Angeles. Michelle's.

I got in about twenty minutes ago from The World Stage. Tonight, well technically last night, was one of those really good nights at The Stage. Yesterday was Nyasha's birthday and she was featured. She was amazing! She is such a master! As Peter said "This whatn't no regular poetry." Massa was there and sang some Spanish songs with a friend of his. I could go on forever. I'm on such a high right now. A good, natural, poetry high.

Oh, my mother and I went to see Widows Tuesday night. It was so good. It was a Steve McQueen film. Viola Davis was the star. We had a good time. I take any time I can get to bond with my mother.

Also some not good news, my aunt Bettye Davis passed away this week. I was just talking about her with Michelle and Uraeus. She and her children lived in Alaska so the funeral will be out there. Janice is going from our group but I don't know who else. She was really an awesome woman. She was the first black senator in Alaska. She was bold and brave and had this deep voice that I swear could shake walls. She will be missed by many. I interviewed her here in this blog years ago like in 2009. That was back when I was interviewing my family for my blog. I had some good conversations. It was through those conversations that I got closer with my aunt Valerie. I went all the way off my point which was that my aunt passed and she was incredible and will be greatly missed by many.

It's 12:30 now and I'm about to see if I can sleep. Have a good night.

Love yourselves.

CLI. Charlene. Thankful.

Monday, December 3, 2018 10:26pm. Los Angeles. Michelle's.

Just getting in. Tonight was CLI night and after I went down to Long Beach to pick up some mail from my sister's house. I had a pretty good day. I woke up early and saw the beautiful clouds. I got out around 10 to run some errands. Left again headed for class. Penelope couldn't make it tonight so I lead the class. It went well.

I think the best part of my day was talking to my friend Charlene. She encouraged me so much. We talked about being grateful even during the losses. Loss of homes, cars, purses. Still being thankful. And I am. I recognize that I have a lot to be thankful for.

Before I forget, Uraeus made pancakes last night out of eggs and bananas only. They were so good. Michelle made potato pancakes and they were good too. It was my first time trying those also. I was full and pleased. I want to go into more about last night but I fear messing it up. We were celebrating the first day of Hanukkah. Michelle lit the candles and told us some of the story of Hanukkah. I enjoyed lessons and food.

Right now I'm tired. I have to get up early tomorrow so I'm going to try to get some sleep. I haven't been sleeping like I'm used to. Hopefully I'll talk to the doctor tomorrow about my pills. It's going on too many days without them.

Night all.

Love yourselves.

Uraeus. 21!

Uraeus is 21 now and somehow every time he laughs my whole world is brighter. Still.

Bed. Michelle's. Pills.

Sunday, December 2, 2018 12:55pm. Los Angeles. Michelle's.

I'm still lying around in bed. I didn't sleep much last night. I'll get up soon. The morning started off sweet. I got a call from Curtis, my friend who owns the Airbnb where Uraeus and I stayed last month. We agreed that I could pay him on the 2nd of the month for our stay. Today is the 2nd. I sent him a text last night saying that I would be there early this morning so I could see him and Karen together. In his text to me this morning he said that he was gifting us the stay and we didn't have to pay anything! That's so wonderful! What a blessing. That started my morning off great. So we can save that money and have it go towards the new place. We are saving very well.

I'm not sleeping well. I really need my pills. I can get to sleep pretty early but then I wake up and can't get back to sleep. I have to play letter and number games in my head or my thoughts go into this murky and dark place. I also do a lot of praying and counting. Last night when I counted to 1,500 I finally got the message that counting wasn't going to put me to sleep I made up other games. Eventually I fell asleep but it was still on again off again. I hope tonight will be better.

I think I'm going to be in for the day. I don't have anywhere I need to be today. I'm going to stay in and create. Create what I don't know. We'll see. Well I'm up now. Going to find something to eat and get this slow start to my day going.

Until later.

Love yourselves.

In. Nyesha. 50.

Saturday, December 1, 2018 5:16pm. Los Angeles. Michelle's.

I think I'm in for the night. I just rode out to Long Beach to pick something up Uraeus forgot at my sister's house then went to the bank to deposit some money then stopped at the store for some light grocery shopping then back to LA. I'm good. It's dark now and I don't feel like going anywhere. Nyesha is having her 50th birthday party downtown and if I were to leave it would be for that but she is featured at The Stage on Wednesday and I think I'm just going to catch her there.

I really need my sleeping pills. I was able to sleep as soon as I got in bed last night but woke up around 3 which is usual when I don't have my pills. I couldn't go back to sleep after that. Maybe that's why I'm sleepy now. I'm going to call my case worker on Monday and ask him to ask my doctor to call in my meds since the doctor isn't responding to me. Why do I have to do all this? Why can't he just call in my fucking meds? Anyway...

It's early, only 5:25 but I need a nap because I'm fighting off a fog. A fog like depression. A fog like worry. A fog like sadness and I just can't deal with it today. Not right now. So I'm going to nap it away. I hope.

I hope you're well.

Love yourselves.

Gratitude

I am thankful for this day. For food shopping. For shelter. For my son. I am thankful for Michelle. For my friends. My family. Thankful for a phone call from V this morning and money to deposit. For paying bills and loving myself. Thankful for the trees. For the sky and her beautiful colors. Thankful for God's plan that will work out in my life.