Food stamps. Michelle's. Hanukkah.

Friday, November 30, 2018 6:20pm Los Angeles. Michelle's.

Today I spent the whole day in the county building, yep because I have needs. I wanted to see if I qualified for food stamps and cash aid. I got my food stamp card today but for the cash aid there is a two hour class I have to go to on Tuesday first. I don't even know how much they will give me but every little bit helps. The food stamps are more than enough for us and what we don't use this month rolls over to next month so that's good.

My doctor still hasn't called me or called in my meds to the pharmacy yet. I might have to roll up there on him. I started to today since I was so close but I was in the office so long I'm sure he was gone. Also, I was an hour over the parking time. Thank God I didn't get a ticket. And Uraeus did the laundry so I have clean clothes to wear. So it's been a good day.

Tonight we are having dinner with Michelle to honor Hanukkah. I'm looking forward to this. I need a nap before dinner so I'm going to sign off.

Until later.

Love yourselves.

Rain. Michelle's. Focus.

Thursday, November 29, 2018 6:49pm Los Angeles

It's raining and I love it. We spent last night at my sister's house so I could get up at 6:30 to pick up my Aunt Bobbie from her friend's place and take her back home to San Diego. It was bumper to bumper almost the whole way there. They way back to Long Beach was a little easier though. I enjoy my aunt so it wasn't a problem. And I was in my mother's vehicle which is much more comfortable than mine. I listened to some good music, said some good prayers and coasted.

We're back at Michelle's and I'm getting ready for what's next. Still. God is faithful to provide. I'm staying sane and grateful for sanity. I'm still standing. I'm still here. I'm still swimming. I'm still breathing. I'm staying focused on the moment. I don't see all the pieces but I know it's coming together. Nicely.

I hope you are hanging onto hope.

Love yourselves.

John's funeral. Sleepy. Emotional.

Wednesday, November 28, 2018 10:30pm Long Beach

I'm at my sister's house right now. We had John's funeral today and then came to the house after the repass. My uncles Therman and Don were here. Ursula came later. Roshann was here and Uraeus. I can't remember all the people. We had a good conversation that started with Don's message at church then had some talks that got deep and at some point we were all in tears. I'm thankful for my family. I'm taking my aunt Bobbie back to San Diego in the morning at 7. Uraeus and I are spending the night here tonight.

I did take my meds tonight. My doctor still hasn't called me to reschedule an appointment. I'll call him tomorrow.

I'm sleepy now. It's been an emotional day.

Until later.

Love yourselves.

Kooki. DPL. Dinner.

11:50pm

Tonight I met up with Kooki at Da Poetry Lounge. Neither of us have been there in a long time. It was a good night out. We only stayed the first half because. Old. But it was a good first half.

I don't remember if I took my meds last night or not. I don't think I did. I'm not taking them tonight either because I'm already in bed and I don't feel like getting back up. Tomorrow though.

We have a full day tomorrow with the funeral and all so I'm about to get some sleep.

Oh, before I left tonight Michelle, Uraeus and I had dinner at the table together. I thought it was really beautiful. I'm so touched to have such amazing friends.

Love yourselves.

Oil change. Breathing. Therman.

Tuesday, November 27, 2018 12:05pm. Carson.

I'm sitting in the waiting area at the car dealership waiting to get my oil changed (they will also wash the car for free...hey). I'm trying not to let my mind get too far ahead of me, which is what is happening. I can't just be in this week I gotta be all stressed out about next month. I can't handle next month right now. I'm working on it though. Focusing on staying in the moment helps. Focusing on breathing helps. I'll be alright. I keep telling myself that.

My Uncle Therman is here now for the funeral tomorrow. The dealership where I am is not far from where he is so I'm going to go see him when I leave here.

I hope you're having a good day.

Love yourselves.

Michelle's. Uraeus's suit. Teargas.

Monday, November 26, 2018 10:41pm. Los Angeles..

We're at Michelle's place still. It's been a blessing being here. Wonderful conversations, great food, just...blessing.

Tonight was CLI night and class went well. Tonight was the best class so far this term. Penelope is such a great teacher. She's better than I ever was. I can't believe I was her teacher once. I like being her assistant.

Today Uraeus and I got a few things done. We went downtown and got him a black suit with a white shirt and black shoes and socks. He's going to be one of the pallbearers for John's funeral on Wednesday. We also looked at a place. We weren't able to get inside but we could see pictures online. We will make an appointment for another day.

I was only on Facebook briefly yesterday and today but reading about the Mexican people being teargassed hurt me so much. I mean how awful must your home be that you would risk that for yourself and your children? Pretty damn bad. People just want a better life for themselves and their families. I couldn't read all of the articles. It was too heartbreaking. I pray for them though. Sincerely.

I called my doctor today to get another appointment with him. I'm out of Lorazapam and I can't sleep without it. I left a message with the doctor but today is his off day so hopefully he'll call me tomorrow. I haven't called my dentist yet. I need to quickly because chewing anything is uncomfortable with the filling missing from my back tooth. I got stuff going on y'all. But I'm hanging on. I am.

This morning I looked at Uraeus and said "We're gonna be alright." He said "I know. Don't you believe it? Because you sound like you're talking to yourself." And a part of me was talking to myself. I just needed to remind myself in his hearing that we are going to be OK. I'm thankful that were both healthy. Well, Uraeus has a cold tonight but I mean overall, we are healthy. We are safe. We have food and safe shelter. The car is running well. It needs an oil change but it's running well. We are living week to week and that's a little bit scary sometimes but we are making it.

I'm in the room ready for bed and so I'm not going to take my meds tonight. The main one I need I don't have so...I'll skip tonight and get back at it tomorrow. I'm not going off meds again. I've been thinking about joining another bipolar group. I'm not really opening up to my doctor the way I should and I think there should be somebody I am talking to. I'll find one in LA. I wish I could afford a therapist. I really miss Meredith, a therapist I once had. She was awesome. She moved and I could no longer afford to pay her. It's all gonna be alright.

Good night everyone.

Love yourselves.

Wrong day. Michelle's. Thankful.

Sunday, November 25, 2018 9:30pm. Los Angeles.

I woke up this morning and somehow I just knew it was Monday. Like I knew it. Had plans on going to class, calling my doctor and dentist, going to see the room for rent Uraeus saw online. All of it. Uraeus informed me that it was Sunday and it took some convincing for me to believe it.

I needed to do something for my mother today so I drove down to Long Beach to do that then came back to Michelle's place and slept a long time. Again. I needed it so much.

Right now Uraeus is at work and I am up with Michelle talking. Uraeus wants to ride his bike back here so I'll be up until he steps through the door. I wanted to pick him up but he wants to get back on his own.

It's been great here at Michelle's. Uraeus is not one to let people in quickly but he and Michelle really seem to hit it off. I'm glad about that.

Well tomorrow really is Monday so I better get ready for it. It's been a great weekend and I'm thankful I had the time to rest.

I'm thankful for so much. I'm thankful for my friends and family. Thankful for this valley that I'm in and the lessons I'm learning. I'm thankful for the waters I'm swimming in that will quinch my thirst but will not drown me I trust. I'm thankful for so much.

John's funeral is Wednesday and I'm thankful that I will see my family soon even though it is a rather sad occasion. I say rather because we do know that John is in a much better place and is no longer suffering.

Until later friends.

Love yourselves.

Sleep

Saturday, November 24, 2018 5:25pm. Los Angeles.

I slept ALL day. I got up and had breakfast with Michelle and Uraeus then went back to bed. And slept ALL day. I loved every minute of it. I feel so good.

Yesterday Valerie told me that the WomanPreach event in Atlanta at the end of the month has been cancelled. They are still going to pay us though. That's love. That's pure love. If I were in a different position I would have refused but I really need it right now so I just said thank you.

Today was going to be the day Uraeus and I went to look at rooms for rent for him but he only found a couple and wants to make a day of it tomorrow. Fine with me. You know what I did. Went back to sleep. I didn't even know I was so tired.

Now I'm up though and will probably be for the rest of the night. That's fine. I'm really at peace today. Thank You, God.

John's funeral is Wednesday so I have to get to my storage to get something to wear. I'm not looking forward to going through those bags. But that's what it's going to be.

Love yourselves.

Michelle's. Dinner. Sleep.

Friday, November 23, 2018 10:22pm. Los Angeles.

We're staying at my friend Michelle's place. It's really comfortable and beautiful and she was kind enough to give up her room for us. She really likes Uraeus. I really like that. While I was napping they took a walk together. I loved that.

I was really able to open up to Michelle tonight at dinner about something that's been bothering me. I don't even blog about it. And she was a great pair of ears. I needed someone to listen and get me and she did.

I'm about to go to sleep now.

Love yourselves.

Mother's birthday

Wednesday, November 21, 2018 4:09pm. Long Beach.

It's my mother's birthday today. Her party was a week ago but her actual birthday is today. She wants to go to a bar tonight because she's never been. It's should be fun.

I'm fighting this dark cloud. Fighting it hard too.

Uraeus is still at the Airbnb because his dad can't get him until 5. Hopefully he's gone before Curtis gets home.

I'm feeling a little down right now but I'm praying the feeling will go away. I'm going to take a quick nap and hope I'm OK after that.

Love yourselves.

Room

Thank God for friends who offer free room so I can save my money and putvit towards Uraeus's room for rent at the beginning of the month.

Money. Rent.

Oh some good news. I have more in the account than I thought. I have enough for about four days if I can't find somewhere free to stay. So that's good.

Uraeus is checking into rooms for rent. I'll have some money when I get back from Atlanta December 2 and hopefully we can move in somewhere. We are going to start looking after Thanksgiving. I told him I would pay half the rent until he could do it on his own. Prayfully that won't take too long.

OK for real this time...

Love yourselves.

Lala. Good day. Hair cut.

Tuesday, November 20, 2018 5:54pm. Long Beach.

I'm sitting outside of my sister's house waiting until 7:00. Lala, a friend who lives not too far away is going to cut my hair. And boy do I need it cut!

Today was a pretty good day. It takes work in the morning for me to get centered in my meditation. I go through so many stages. I'm thankful. I'm angry. I'm happy. I'm sad. I'm fighting depression. I end on a good note though. Then it's work staying on that note. So many things to remind me that my life is shit right now. But it's not. I'm just going through a phase. I'm not the first to go through this. All things considered it's been pretty good. Uraeus and I have been inside every night. We eat every night. And that's what I measure a good day by.

I'm so looking forward to getting my hair cut. I'm also thankful that she is going to do it for free. I have some good friends.

It's getting cold now so I have to make a trip to the storage unit because that's where all of my sweaters and warm clothes are. Today I'm wearing the same thing I had on last night at class. A summer jumpsuit with thin straps. It would be OK if I had a sweater to go over it. When I was packing though I was just trying to get everything out of there. All the bags in storage look alike and there are plenty of them. I don't know when I'm going to have time but I'm going to have to go.

There is a $65 cleaning fee at the Airbnb but Curtis said he would take that off if we wanted to do the cleaning ourselves. To which we said yes. I don't like that the regular cleaning person won't get paid this week but I need that $65. So we have to get up early and start cleaning so we can get to the storage and get back down to Long Beach for my mother's birthday. We will probably go eat somewhere.

Maybe I'll post more when I get back to Inglewood but I'm pretty much out of things I want to say now.

Love yourselves.

Pray

Please pray because I'm really on the verge of breaking down.

Rams. Airbnb.

Monday, November 19, 2018 9:13pm. Inglewood.

I had class tonight at USC. There was a Rams game at the stadium nearby so traffic was crazy. Parking around USC was $100. You read that right. My normal spot wasn't available so I had to walk a bit over to campus. We had a good class tonight though. One of the women in the class is writing a book on suicide letters and it is so triggering for me. I try to keep my comments about her book and not make them personal but it is hard. I want to cry sometimes.

Wednesday is my mother's actual birthday even though we had her party days ago. So tomorrow will be our last night here at the Airbnb. It's been really nice here. We're going to spend Wednesday with my mother. Uraeus's dad is picking him up on Thursday for Thanksgiving and my mom and I will be in San Diego with Genevieve and her family. Friday I'm going to have to find a place for us to stay. Right now I have no money and I'm running out of hope. I'm praying some will come. Money and hope. I keep being blessed but this life is...well...challenging. I really don't want to talk about it with anyone. I definitely don't want anyone telling me what I should be doing. I for sure don't want anyone telling me what they would be doing if they were me because honestly no one knows what they would do if they were me. I guess I'm just at I don't want to hear it. If you're not offering to make this situation easier please keep advice to yourself.

I just took my meds so I'm going to turn in early. I have too much to figure out and I want to be sleeping instead. Good night everyone.

Love yourselves.

Park. Rooster. Birds.

Sunday, November 18, 2018 3:38pm. Inglewood.

Hello all. I did go to the park yesterday and took some pictures. I also took some pictures of the backyard. I've been resting most of the day. I just got up about 1. In a little while Uraeus and I will go and get some more food and then come back and relax some more. I can't express enough how much I needed this time to gather my thoughts, get my plan together, rest, think, take pictures, do nothing. I'm so thankful for it.

I can't believe the year is almost over. But it is. January took forever to end and now we're already almost at Thanksgiving.

I forgot to mention that the next door neighbor has a rooster that sounds off every morning at about 3 and then again about 6. I don't mind. It's actually beautiful. There are so many birds chirping all day and almost everyone around here has a garden with lovely flowers. This is such a gift.

We are headed to get some food now.

Love yourselves.

Good sleep. Good space.

Saturday, November 17, 2018 2:18pm. Inglewood.

I slept so well last night. Uraeus has his own room here and I've only seen him twice. He's playing his game and watching TV. I needed this rest so much. Soooo much. It's not over because I plan to lie down again before the night falls. I might go to the park down the street and take some pictures. I might also take some pictures of the background too. It's so beautiful here. I'm so blessed. We will be here until Thanksgiving.

Also, in not so good news, the filling fell out of my mouth. It's in the top in the back. It doesn't hurt, just feels weird. I'll call the dentist next week to make an appointment to see her.

Not much to report on this entry. Until later.

Love yourselves.

New space. Happy. Nap.

Friday, November 16, 2018 3:08pm. Inglewood

We checked into the Airbnb at noon today. It's beautiful and Uraeus really likes it. I think what he likes most is that he gets his own room. I'm happy. Despite my circumstances I know that I am really blessed. God came through again last night. A friend sent me some money and the refund for the room in Beverly Hills came through at the same time. So we got a little food last night and we will go shopping again tonight. I am thankful.

I just had the best nap. I needed it too. I trust Uraeus is relaxing in his room. Now that I have napped I'm looking to be called for work. I was hoping to be working every day this week. Prayerfully someone will call. I have to push my books too. It's almost time for royalty checks and I'm trying to get a big one.

I haven't taken many pictures in a while maybe I'll go for a walk and get some shots of the neighborhood. Take care

Love yourselves.

Uraeus. Job. Meds later.

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today but I cancelled it. I chose to take Uraeus to his interview instead. Besides I just wasn't feeling seeing him. I'm still dealing with John's death and my own situation. I don't need a refill in meds and I didn't have anything I wanted to talk to him about. I'll see him next month.

Provider. Pay later. Dietra's.

God keeps showing up as Provider. The owner of the Airbnb where we will be staying starting tomorrow said I could pay him in December. That's perfect because I have a gig in Atlanta at the end of November. God is good. We will be at Dietra's again tonight. I am thankful.

Also, Uraeus's job interview went really well.

Keep us in your prayers.

Love yourselves.

Memory of John

My Uncle John passed away yesterday. My favorite memory of him was when I was in junior high school and he called me at the beginning of the week to ask if I wanted to go to dinner with him. I said yes. He said "You see how I'm calling you on Monday for Friday? If a man is not doing that for you then he doesn't deserve you." When he showed up he said "You see how I showed up at the time I said I would? If a man is not doing that for you then he doesn't deserve you." He gave lessons like that throughout the night. I miss him. Fly, Uncle John. Fly.

No Beverly Hills. Dietra. Pizzas.

Well we didn't end up staying at the hotel in Beverly Hills. The room was affordable but the security deposit was a million dollars (kind of). And we already booked the room so we have to wait to get it back.

Also, my uncle died. Uncle John Davis. He died on my son's birthday. His death hit me hard. While I was dealing with that Uraeus jokingly (bug not) said "well we can sleep in the car." My heart broke into a million pieces that this is where we are.

I called Dietra and she offered us space in her house again. God is still faithful. We showed up with a couple of pizzas and now we're getting ready for tomorrow. Uraeus has an interview tomorrow so pray saints.
Keep us both in your prayers.

Love yourselves.

Uraeus's birthday!

It's 5:04pm and we are about to leave Long Beach. We had a good day. My mom, Uraeus and I went to PF Chang's and celebrated his birthday. I thought he would order a drink for the first time but he didn't. That might be something he does with his father. A man to man thing. Well he's in the car now so we're about to head off. Please keep us in your prayers.

Love yourselves.

Special note

I am typing these posts on my phone and can hardly see the little print so please excuse any errors because I can't seem to get back into the post from my phone and make corrections. I'm learning.

Long Beach. Beverly Hills. Pressing on.

Good morning everyone! I'm still in Long Beach at my sister's house. I woke up feeling great. I prayed that self pity demon away and wished my son a happy birthday. I'm doing the best I can and God and Uraeus know that. Tonight he found us a place in Beverly Hills for a couple of nights. He is in charge of picking where we stay and he found a place in Beverly Hills where we can afford so that's where we will be. We can't check in until 6pm though so we may just hang out here. Now I gotta work on this Airbnb for the 16th. God provides.

Bobbie. San Diego. Prayers.

Wednesday, November 14, 2018 Long Beach. Sister's house.

I just got back from taking my aunt home to San Diego. My mother rode with me. It's 1:40am. I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself. It won't last long but that's how I feel. Today is Uraeus's 21st birthday and I can't afford to take him out. I've been dreaming about this day for years and now it's here and I barely have enough money for three days in a hotel. I know God provides. I know. I'm just in my feelings. I still don't have the money for the Airbnb stay. I know, God provides. I'm not depressed. I'm just...in my feelings.

I know I'm blessed though. Maybe I don't have anything material to give Uraeus today but I have all the love I have. Everything I have is for him. All the love in me. And he knows it. I pray he has a good day. I don't know what we or he will do but I pray it is something special.

He's sleeping right now on the couch in the living room. I rubbed his back and listened to him breathe a minute, gave thanks for his life and whispered happy birthday to him. I love him so much.

Please keep us in your prayers.

I'm about to take my meds and go to bed. I'm really too tired to dig my pills out of my bag but I'm afraid to miss a day because my mood has been so even lately and I don't want to mess that up. I have enough to be down about and I'm not going to give in to it. I have a lot to be thankful for also. I'm thankful that my son turned 21 today. I'm thankful for my friends and family. For food and shelter. I'm thankful for the peace in my head. I'm thankful for this time I have with my mother sharing a bed and stories with her right now as I type this entry. I am thankful for my meds. Thankful for Uraeus's job interview on Thursday. I am thankful for the peace in my head. I have a lot to be thankful for. Like the song says, "all of my good days outweigh my bad days." I know God as Provider. I know God is faithful.

The old place

He will be 21 tomorrow!

Some of my art

Janice. Song. God.

My aunt Janice just sent me such a beautiful song / testimony. Tamala Mann is singing the song and I think it's called God provides. I totally relate to the lyrics. God does provide. Just in time. There are times I wish God would come through sooner but it's my job to that God is always there. It is my job to trust. I trust and believe.

Granny. Dietra's. San Diego.

 Tuesday, November 13, 2018 Inglewood. Dietra's house.

I'm taking care of Dietra's grandmother this morning because D is not feeling well. I don't go in to work until 4 so I have time. So far I'm just scheduled to work today but I hope that changes because I want to get the money for the Airbnb I want to take Uraeus to. It will be a better place than we have been plus it will be cheaper than any hotel we have stayed in. And I want something really nice for his birthday. The Airbnb will be available to us on the 16th for a week. I'm hoping.

My uncle Therman left this morning haeaded back to Vegas. I miss him already. We always have the best conversations and he and Uraeus are also close.

I take my aunt Bobbie back to San Diego tonight when I get off. That's a lot of driving. We will have a good conversation on the way down there and I'll get some good thinking in on the way back by myself.

Grandma is resting now so I'm going to also.

Love yourselves.

Long Beach. Bakersfield. Prayer request.

8:52pm. Long Beach. Sister's house.

It's been a long weekend. My mom's birthday party on Sunday went well. Then Red Stories that night went really well. I'm happy about both of those things. Michelle surprised me by being there then V surprised me. It was a great crowd. Big Arch was a great feature.

Today my mom and my aunt Bobbie, my uncle Therman and I went to Bakersfield to see the model of the house my mom is going to buy next year. It was my first time seeing it, I loved it.

But back to this year and what's going on right now, Uraeus and I are still hotel hopping. A friend of mine owns an Airbnb and we plan to be there next week but I still have to come up with some more money.  This life is getting tiring but we are surviving.

Tonight we will be at my sister's house because I have to pick up my aunt from her friend's house in Long Beach. I'm taking her to San Diego after I get off work tomorrow night.

I request your prayers. Coming up with hotel money week to week is draining and managing to stay sane and not fall into a depressive episode is miracle. I thank God so much though. Every night we eat. Every night we have shelter. We have each other. We have the love of family and friends. I believe with all my heart that this phase will pass soon. God is faithful.

I have to be up early so I'm going to get some sleep.

Love yourselves.

Move. Hollywood. Plan.

It's been a while since my last entry. When I left off we were moving. We moved. We stayed with my friend Dietra and her son for about a week. Well Uraeus was there for a week I went to Ohio to perform at the installation service of Valerie Bridgeman. It was lovely. I came back and Uraeus and I left the next day for a hotel. We stayed at a place in Hollywood. A nice place thankfully. I had to work every day but I enjoyed the time I was there. I'm being quick here because I lost the power cord to my computer so I am borrowing my mom's right now. We are in Long Beach. After we left Hollywood we went to a place in L.A. near USC. That was a nice place too. God is faithful. Today we are going back to the place in Hollywood until Sunday. My mother's birthday party is Sunday and so is Red Stories. The plan is still to get Uraeus a room for rent by the end of the month. God willing, that will happen. Until then, keep us in your prayers.

Love yourselves.