The five of us were in the small white tent next door. I don't remember any of their names. Only hands. The big girl's hand pressed against my red barrettes pushing and pulling my head on his ashy dick. Long and not smooth like a Bomb Pop. It was like Play Do left open. To suck. I was four and he was about nineteen. He was a black boy. Wore faded blue jeans and a half smile on his dark brown adn rough looking face. The girls were sixteen and seventeen. I think. There was another boy. Little like me. He didn't have to suck dick because the big boy wasn't no fag. So there was just me and my tiny lips and throat and a dick. A dick. I always knew that boys had pee pees but this was my first dick. Perhaps pee pees grew into dicks. I must have done a real good job. Her hand forcing my head up and down. Way she inhales hissed and ahhhed. Then there was wet that was not spit from my choke.
"He peed in my mouth! He peed in my mouth!" I screamed and bolted out of the tent. I tried to race to my house just next door to my father who would beat that dick up if he knew. But the youngest and meanest of the big girls caught me. Tied a thick brown rope around my neck and lifted me to the clothes line cemented in the ground. Held my body as it swung. Threatened if I told. Said I was a nasty girl anyway. Said she would run tell my mother first because I was out here being fass. Being all nasty.
I was dirty. I have lived with being nasty and dirty my whole life. I was never clean enough for any man. No matter any of my accomplishments or deeds, no matter how great my actions to prove otherwise. No matter how fast I forgave, no matter how much I proved I would take. I never got clean.
Black ass poems. Black ass stories. Black ass art. Black ass life. Black ass love. Black ass hate. Black ass parenting. Black ass depression. Black ass mania. And other stuff too.
Tuesday, March 31, 2020
Morning
8:32am. Home. The woman who lived here before me painted the shower and the shower floor with wall paint that is now chipping. Chipping paint in the shower is not pretty. Uraeus and I need a shower we feel comfortable in. Especially in this time. As it is now I jump in, get cleaned and jump right back out as fast as I can. I went to Home Depot yesterday and purchased the proper paint. I got a a card from the guy in the paint department who gave me a card with the information of a guy who does that work. I called him last night and he got here this morning at 8. He's out now getting more material and will start in about forty-five minutes. I'm so happy. So is Uraeus. I really like this place. Except the shower! Now we will have a shower we are comfortable with. I can't tell you the happy dance my heart is doing. I'm going to have to sell some product today because rent is due tomorrow. It will work out though. It keeps working out. What are you doing today?
Love yourselves
Love yourselves
Gratitude
I am thankful for this day
Thankful for Uraeus
Thankful for the painter coming to repaint the shower
Thankful for friends and family
For food and shelter
For art and poetry
For love
Thankful for Uraeus
Thankful for the painter coming to repaint the shower
Thankful for friends and family
For food and shelter
For art and poetry
For love
Sunday, March 29, 2020
2020 Sunday Stories (13)
I had a moment of rest yesterday. More than a moment. Hours. Hours of rest. During this worldwide forced isolation we are all living in right now, I have still been waking up around 6am. I pray and have tea. Sometimes I eat and sit for a minute then start working. I paint or prepare for class or write or promote my products for online sale. Work. Whatever that is for the day.
Yesterday I watched the hands of the clock go round and round. 7, 8, 10, 10:30. I got up some time around noon, which is not like me. While my body felt rested, I still felt uneasy. I felt guilty. I felt like I was doing something wrong. Like I didn't deserve that good rest. I often feel like this if I am not working in some way every hour. I don't remember not feeling this way.
Growing up I don't remember days when we just chilled around the house. We were cleaning or doing homework. We were reading or preparing for church. We were always doing something. At least that how I remember growing up. School was no different. There was a time to study. There was a time to eat. A time to play. There was no time to just...be. Just chill. Just zone out. Then I grew up and stated working and still nothing was different. My first job was at McDonald's. I was a cashier and there was never always a customer to wait on or a counter to clean or a floor to sweep. There was always something to do. Even if we had to make it up. Yesterday I was present to how uncomfortable I was just lying in bed. All after 10 then 11 then noon.
It should not have taken the world shutting down for me to be okay being still. But it did. My son and I spent many months last year living in hotels / motels where we had to pay rent everyday before 11am. Really before 10:30 if we didn't want that call to the room or knock on the door. Thankfully we got a place in December. In my mind, I was going to spend at least a week resting from all the stress from the months before but did I? Absolutely not. I went into overdrive with work because I was afraid of being homeless again. I said yes to all of my clients every chance I could. Took gigs at almost whatever pay. I was literally working around the clock. I did that through December and most of January. Even when I slowed down a bit I was still working everyday. Because rest is for the wicked or idle hands and devil's playground? I don't know.
After I shook off the ridiculous guilt of being a fifty year old woman paying her own rent sleeping until noon I had a good laugh. At myself. Like, sis, you can do this. You can chill. You ain't gotta be busy every single minute. Rent good right now. Food stocked. You okay. I know I'm not the only one. This post is all of us. All of us busy bodies who feel a way when we are not producing every hour. This is for us. It's okay to be well and doing nothing. Doesn't that sound like a crazy thing to have to give yourself permission for? It does to me. It did. It did sound crazy. But not anymore.
Yesterday I watched the hands of the clock go round and round. 7, 8, 10, 10:30. I got up some time around noon, which is not like me. While my body felt rested, I still felt uneasy. I felt guilty. I felt like I was doing something wrong. Like I didn't deserve that good rest. I often feel like this if I am not working in some way every hour. I don't remember not feeling this way.
Growing up I don't remember days when we just chilled around the house. We were cleaning or doing homework. We were reading or preparing for church. We were always doing something. At least that how I remember growing up. School was no different. There was a time to study. There was a time to eat. A time to play. There was no time to just...be. Just chill. Just zone out. Then I grew up and stated working and still nothing was different. My first job was at McDonald's. I was a cashier and there was never always a customer to wait on or a counter to clean or a floor to sweep. There was always something to do. Even if we had to make it up. Yesterday I was present to how uncomfortable I was just lying in bed. All after 10 then 11 then noon.
It should not have taken the world shutting down for me to be okay being still. But it did. My son and I spent many months last year living in hotels / motels where we had to pay rent everyday before 11am. Really before 10:30 if we didn't want that call to the room or knock on the door. Thankfully we got a place in December. In my mind, I was going to spend at least a week resting from all the stress from the months before but did I? Absolutely not. I went into overdrive with work because I was afraid of being homeless again. I said yes to all of my clients every chance I could. Took gigs at almost whatever pay. I was literally working around the clock. I did that through December and most of January. Even when I slowed down a bit I was still working everyday. Because rest is for the wicked or idle hands and devil's playground? I don't know.
After I shook off the ridiculous guilt of being a fifty year old woman paying her own rent sleeping until noon I had a good laugh. At myself. Like, sis, you can do this. You can chill. You ain't gotta be busy every single minute. Rent good right now. Food stocked. You okay. I know I'm not the only one. This post is all of us. All of us busy bodies who feel a way when we are not producing every hour. This is for us. It's okay to be well and doing nothing. Doesn't that sound like a crazy thing to have to give yourself permission for? It does to me. It did. It did sound crazy. But not anymore.
New collection ready
PRAISE IN THIS NOW is ready for order. It is a collection of 100 of my poems, stories, musings, prayers. This collection is clean. Share it with your family and friends of all ages. This is collection will be sent to you via email within 24 hours of your purchase.
I also have another collection of 100 poems and stories. This one is also available for order. Poems in this collection are different from the ones in PRAISE FOR THIS NOW. This one is also $10.
You can order yours today via PayPal jahazainabu@gmail.com, Zelle jahazainabu@gmail.com, cash app $JahasArt, Venmo JahasArt
Please state which collection you want when you order.
Me with my twin cousin, Natascha Cole
*memoir under construction
The five of us were in the small white tent next door. I don't remember any of their names. Only hands. The big girl's hands that held my head down on his ashy dick. To suck. I was four and he was about nineteen. The girls were sixteen and seventeen. I think. And there was another boy. Little like me. He didn't have to suck dick because the big boy wasn't no fag. So there was just me and my tiny lips and throat and a dick. A dick. I always knew that boys had pee pees but this was my first dick. Perhaps pee pees grew into dicks. I must have done a real good job. Her hand forcing my head up and down. Way she inhales hissed and ahhhed. Then there was wet that was not spit from my choke.
"He peed in my mouth! He peed in my mouth!" I screamed and bolted out of the tent. I tried to race to my house just next door to my father who would beat that dick up if he knew. But the youngest and meanest of the big girls caught me. Tied a thick brown rope around my neck and lifted me to the clothes line cemented in the ground. Held my body as it swung. Threatened if I told. Said I was a nasty girl anyway. Said she would run tell my mother first because I was out here being fass. Being all nasty.
I was dirty. I have lived with being nasty and dirty my whole life. I was never clean enough for any man. No matter any of my accomplishments or deeds, no matter how great my actions to prove otherwise. No matter how fast I forgave, no matter how much I proved I would take. I never got clean.
"He peed in my mouth! He peed in my mouth!" I screamed and bolted out of the tent. I tried to race to my house just next door to my father who would beat that dick up if he knew. But the youngest and meanest of the big girls caught me. Tied a thick brown rope around my neck and lifted me to the clothes line cemented in the ground. Held my body as it swung. Threatened if I told. Said I was a nasty girl anyway. Said she would run tell my mother first because I was out here being fass. Being all nasty.
I was dirty. I have lived with being nasty and dirty my whole life. I was never clean enough for any man. No matter any of my accomplishments or deeds, no matter how great my actions to prove otherwise. No matter how fast I forgave, no matter how much I proved I would take. I never got clean.
Morning
10:29am. Home. I got up this morning and put another batch of soup in containers and then in the freezer. Then made another batch. I have a lot of vegetables and potatoes I don't want to go bad so I've been creative these days. I have been loving it. I love the way it smells. I love that Uraeus loves it. I am implementing soup making as a part of my new normal. What about you? What is a part of your new normal that you love? Yesterday was my first day of my memoir writing class. Right now my goal is not to publish it, maybe later (I don't know). Now I just want to get the story out, little by little. I'm going to post each step here on this blog. I am going to explore my relationships. I am beginning with an incident I have spoken about. many times. Being forced to perform oral sex on a neighborhood guy when I was four. That incident has shaped my life in a very big way. I'm going to get to work. Some writing and painting to do today. I hope you have a good day today.
Gratitude
I am thankful for this day
For love, peace and ease
I am thankful for food and shelter
For art and poetry
For love, peace and ease
I am thankful for food and shelter
For art and poetry
Saturday, March 28, 2020
Early morning
4:55am. Home. I hope you are well this morning. I'm up early today and feeling ok. Uraeus has to be at work early so I'm going to take him. I'm up praying also. I was triggered by something I don't really want to say on this platform. I started having old arguments in my head with people. Some folks I haven't talked to for many years. Some I'm in contact with now. Slowly I am releasing anger I didn't realizing I was hold onto. Slowly. When I think I'm over it or that I have let it go something happens. Or nothing happens. But just like that I'm back in it again. I'm not mad at it anymore. I just look at it as an opportunity to peel another layer. To go even deeper. I am breathing through it. All. Are you? Are you breathing? I mean that literally. Are you letting air in and out of your lungs? Counting the breaths I take helps me. In and out, one. In and out, two... I am taking Michael Datcher's memoir writing class. It starts today at 4:00 via Zoom. I'll have to figure out the technology. Let's hope it goes well. What are you doing today?
Gratitude
I am thankful for waking up early this morning
For a good sleep last night
For food and shelter
For Uraeus
Friends and family
I am thankful for my mental and physical health
I am thankful for love
For a good sleep last night
For food and shelter
For Uraeus
Friends and family
I am thankful for my mental and physical health
I am thankful for love
Friday, March 27, 2020
Dear Jaha
It's okay to be okay
Fine to take a walk
A nap
To be still
To buy food and fruit
It is okay to give thanks
Even now
Even today
It is okay to not know
To not worry
To not be afraid
To breathe
To just
Be
Fine to take a walk
A nap
To be still
To buy food and fruit
It is okay to give thanks
Even now
Even today
It is okay to not know
To not worry
To not be afraid
To breathe
To just
Be
Afternoon
12:51pm. Home. This day is beautiful and peaceful. I was just notified that I got a grant from the Black Feminist Project. God is good. I am thankful for the blessings I am receiving at this time. Today I will work on my latest project which is a collection of 100 poems, stories, musings and prayers. All family friendly language. All of these poems are different from the last collection of 100 poems and stories. I am compiling the stories here on this blog but I will delete the post when I have finished. So if you are a regular reader of my blog you can read them as I'm getting them together. I spent time this morning listening to William Hawkins sing live on Instagram. His music blessed my soul. He he one of my favorite singers and songwriters. I hope you find peace today. I hope you are loving yourselves. I hope you are with someone you love or are at least in communication with someone you love. Have a good one.
Gratitude
I am thankful for waking up and witnessing this beautiful day
Thankful for a good sleep last night
For Uraeus
For friends and family
For love and peace and ease
I am thankful for my eyesight
For my working limbs and good health
I am thankful for art and poetry
For food
For freezing soup and making a new batch
For the fruit on my table
For happiness
Thankful for a good sleep last night
For Uraeus
For friends and family
For love and peace and ease
I am thankful for my eyesight
For my working limbs and good health
I am thankful for art and poetry
For food
For freezing soup and making a new batch
For the fruit on my table
For happiness
Thursday, March 26, 2020
100 poems and stories
Thank you so much to those of you who have ordered my 100 poems and stories! I hope you enjoy reading them. If you haven't ordered yours you can do so today. The order is for 100 poems and stories by me that will be sent to you via email. The cost is only $10. You can pay through PayPal jahazainabu@gmail.com, Zelle jahazainabu@gmail.com, cash app $JahasArt, Venmo JahasArt
Morning
10:31am. Home. I got up very early this morning and took Uraeus to work then wen to do laundry then to the market. I get a few things a day. Just because. I'm back now and the laundry and things are all put away. I put together 100 poems and stories for sale and thankfully they have been selling. I send them out via email and am only charging $10. I sent the emails out already. I'm breathing now. Just breathing. And watching a movie on Lifetime. I'm going to nap. I hope you are taking care of yourselves.
Gratitude
I am thankful for seeing this beautiful day
For waking up early
For getting all of the laundry done
I am thankful for Uraeus
For my friends and family
I am thankful for my good health
For feeling good right now
I am thankful for right now
For home
Food
For peace and ease
For poetry and art
For my community
For waking up early
For getting all of the laundry done
I am thankful for Uraeus
For my friends and family
I am thankful for my good health
For feeling good right now
I am thankful for right now
For home
Food
For peace and ease
For poetry and art
For my community
Wednesday, March 25, 2020
Night
7:31pm. Home. We're still here. I'm better today but still fighting this cold. The oranges and soup I've been eating have been a big help. Plus the tea with lemons. I'm still being creative. Zayikah died. Did I mention that? About four days ago. I knew her more than twenty-five years. She was a friend, confidant and counselor. I found out about her passing on Facebook and that hurt. We spoke last around November and I saw her last year when I helped her pack up her place to move to a new apartment. She and her daughter lived together. I got a new phone and lost her daughter's number. I reached out to a mutual friend to get it but she hasn't responded. I am hurting but I am also wishing Zayikah peace on her journey on the other side. I am wishing love to her children and grandchildren. I know that my relationship with Zayikah has not ended, just changed. Losing someone in the physical form during this time is very painful. There is no funeral. No gathering. Just this empty space. I will heal. I am okay. I found out this morning that a client that I had passed away yesterday. She and her family moved back east. So much death. I am at peace right now though. How are you? Are you taking care of yourself? Are you at peace? Are you exercising a little? Eating ok?
Prayer
Thank You, God for this life You have blessed me with. I feel calm and at ease. Please keep us in Your care during these times. I know that there is only right now. There is only this moment. Please keep us safe. Please keep us fed. Please continue to bless us to be a blessing.
Gratitude
I am thankful for this beautiful day
For love, peace and ease
I am thankful for Uraeus
For friends and family
For food and shelter
For time at home
For a walk to the corner market
For love, peace and ease
I am thankful for Uraeus
For friends and family
For food and shelter
For time at home
For a walk to the corner market
Say it ain't true
Get ready. Some white woman is about to "discover" sage and we ain't gon be able to afford it no more.
You know we got it!
The other day on Crenshaw and Slauson a brotha was set up selling coronavirus kits. Because you can always get anything on the Shaw and Slauson.
100 poems sent to you today for only $10!
I compiled 100 of my stories and poems and will email them to you today for only $10! PayPal jahazainabu@gmail.com, Zelle jahazainabu@gmail, cash app $JahasArt, Venmo JahasArt.
Tuesday, March 24, 2020
time
my friend / what if i never hold your face again / with these palms / precious as an umbilical cord / what if we never connect outside our computer screens / i have to believe / do you believe / will i ever hold a microphone / or fly in a plane / will i sit under a tree in new orleans / i am writing though / are you / are you putting words to this time right now / did you ever imagine this / i hope you are with someone you love / do you have enough food / enough water / enough good space inside your head / do you feel free / did you ever / do you have clean linen / is the president driving you crazy / turn off the news / my love / turn it off / light a candle / add vegetables to your soup / the other day i bought five lemons / seventy-five cents for each / lysol is nine dollars a can / can you believe / is the depression haunting your spirit / are there monsters under your bed / every day i take a walk / i take time to laugh / i water my plants / i even say a prayer / do you think god is listening / i am holding hope / that she even cares
Afternoon
2:44pm. Home. I'm good today. I hope you are well too. I had a peaceful sleep last night. Despite the cold. Despite waking up to blow my nose and sneeze and cough. I am ok. I'm meeting with the class tonight and will continue to work on art and writing. I did an hour set from home last night. I plan to do another one soon with different poems. Are you staying creative? No judgment if you aren't. What are you doing?
Gratitude
I am thankful for being alive today
Thankful for Uraeus
For another trip to the corner market
Thankful for food
Shelter
For love
I am thankful that the cold I have is just a cold
I am thankful a painting sold today
I am thankful for peace
Thankful for Uraeus
For another trip to the corner market
Thankful for food
Shelter
For love
I am thankful that the cold I have is just a cold
I am thankful a painting sold today
I am thankful for peace
Sunday, March 22, 2020
Sunday Stories (12)
I was going through old pictures today. By old I mean a few months ago. I was looking at gatherings at poetry readings, birthday parties, some photos of my cousin's funeral, my aunt's wedding and my niece's graduation. Remember when going out was a thing we didn't fear? In a million years did we think the last graduation we went to would be the last graduation until MAYBE months from now or next year?
My poetry home is The World Stage in Los Angeles. I usually have clients during the day on Wednesdays and then go to The Stage at night. Sometimes I leave there and pick up my son from work around 10:30. Wednesdays are / were my long days. When I left The Stage the last time I was there I remember thinking, I'm tired. I'm going to take a break for a while. I work as a caregiver and the clients I work with are all elderly. My son has had a cold and I have had a sore throat for days and so I am not working with them now. Until who knows when? There are no workshops at The Stage, or any other venue right now IN MOST PARTS OF THE WORLD. Our lives have shifted. Like that!
This new normal is a lot to adjust to but we have to. I have to. When I am in the moment I am fine. I recognize that I am very blessed. I am physically and mentally ok. My son and I are both getting over the colds we had. We went to a testing center to get cleared to go back to work. The center we went to was a Kaiser center and would only test Kaiser members. My son is a member. I am not. They did clear him but the tests are so...what is the word? I don't have a word. They took his temperature and asked a bunch of questions and that was the test. That was it! Like I said, when I stay in the moment, I am ok. I do have what I need. I have had some night panic attacks but during the day I'm good. And not every night. Last night was a good night.
I do get overwhelmed when I start playing the what if game with myself. I can't help it though. The thoughts just come. I try to catch them when I can and shift my thoughts to the present. To God. To some happy place in my head. Working eases the overwhelm. I am constantly creating. I am writing. That is very important to me. I'm not pressuring myself to create great poems but I'm blogging. I think it's important, especially during this time to document what's going on. Sometimes I'm just posting prayers, thoughts during the day, poems I manage to push out and journaling. I am painting and selling art and my book on Facebook, Instagram and my blog. So far I'm selling ok. I'm on track to make rent and pay some bills this month. (Stay in the moment. Stay in the moment.) I'm tempted to go into questions about next month and the month after that if this continues. I won't. I'm going to stay in the moment. I'm going to live in right now. I don't know about tomorrow but I know who does. I know who holds my hand. I know who controls this world, this virus and my head. That doesn't mean it's not scary for me some moments (many moments). But I'm learning to live in this new day. I've never been a very big spender. Not much of a shopper. Not a gambler or anything like that. I used to spend a lot of money of food and wine though. That stopped. I'm using my crockpot and buying a lot of vegetables and beans and rice and potatoes and meat when I can find it. I haven't bought any alcohol since the lockdown. I walk down to the corner market in the mornings when they open and buy a roll of toilet paper, some canned goods, bread and fruit. Today I splurged and got cookies. Prices are too high to get too many things. $4.99 for a pack of sliced cheese. Dude? But I'm still here. We're still here.
It's raining now and I'm enjoying the sound of the drops hitting the ground. Saying a prayer for the homeless people outside. Homeless is not the right word. For many of them that is their home. Twenty-five papa steps away from my front door. Some faces I see ever day. I give out scarves and food and water when I have it. I don't carry cash but sometimes I have change. When I do it's theirs. Maybe this new world will guide us all into seeing ourselves in others. Others like them. Maybe seeing them is scary for some people though. Because if we stop and look into their faces and take time for a small chat maybe we will see that once they were just like us. With a house or apartment to go to. With food and a bed and someone to close by to love.
The last time I saw my therapist she told me that I was busy running and running trying to get to the next thing and earn more money and get this and that and I wasn't taking time to be in the life I'm living. Well, I'm in it. I don't need that next dress or to be at that next gig. I don't need anything more than what I have right now. I am so thankful. Thankful for everything I have. For what's important. For my health, my family and friends, for food and shelter. For creativity and a way to sell product. As best as I can I'm going to focus on what's good. I tried watching the news but it brings on panic attacks. So I don't. I'm holding on. To my health, my sanity, my hope. I'm going to accept that this slowdown is what I need. What the world needs. Minute by minute everyone. Minute. By. Minute.
My poetry home is The World Stage in Los Angeles. I usually have clients during the day on Wednesdays and then go to The Stage at night. Sometimes I leave there and pick up my son from work around 10:30. Wednesdays are / were my long days. When I left The Stage the last time I was there I remember thinking, I'm tired. I'm going to take a break for a while. I work as a caregiver and the clients I work with are all elderly. My son has had a cold and I have had a sore throat for days and so I am not working with them now. Until who knows when? There are no workshops at The Stage, or any other venue right now IN MOST PARTS OF THE WORLD. Our lives have shifted. Like that!
This new normal is a lot to adjust to but we have to. I have to. When I am in the moment I am fine. I recognize that I am very blessed. I am physically and mentally ok. My son and I are both getting over the colds we had. We went to a testing center to get cleared to go back to work. The center we went to was a Kaiser center and would only test Kaiser members. My son is a member. I am not. They did clear him but the tests are so...what is the word? I don't have a word. They took his temperature and asked a bunch of questions and that was the test. That was it! Like I said, when I stay in the moment, I am ok. I do have what I need. I have had some night panic attacks but during the day I'm good. And not every night. Last night was a good night.
I do get overwhelmed when I start playing the what if game with myself. I can't help it though. The thoughts just come. I try to catch them when I can and shift my thoughts to the present. To God. To some happy place in my head. Working eases the overwhelm. I am constantly creating. I am writing. That is very important to me. I'm not pressuring myself to create great poems but I'm blogging. I think it's important, especially during this time to document what's going on. Sometimes I'm just posting prayers, thoughts during the day, poems I manage to push out and journaling. I am painting and selling art and my book on Facebook, Instagram and my blog. So far I'm selling ok. I'm on track to make rent and pay some bills this month. (Stay in the moment. Stay in the moment.) I'm tempted to go into questions about next month and the month after that if this continues. I won't. I'm going to stay in the moment. I'm going to live in right now. I don't know about tomorrow but I know who does. I know who holds my hand. I know who controls this world, this virus and my head. That doesn't mean it's not scary for me some moments (many moments). But I'm learning to live in this new day. I've never been a very big spender. Not much of a shopper. Not a gambler or anything like that. I used to spend a lot of money of food and wine though. That stopped. I'm using my crockpot and buying a lot of vegetables and beans and rice and potatoes and meat when I can find it. I haven't bought any alcohol since the lockdown. I walk down to the corner market in the mornings when they open and buy a roll of toilet paper, some canned goods, bread and fruit. Today I splurged and got cookies. Prices are too high to get too many things. $4.99 for a pack of sliced cheese. Dude? But I'm still here. We're still here.
It's raining now and I'm enjoying the sound of the drops hitting the ground. Saying a prayer for the homeless people outside. Homeless is not the right word. For many of them that is their home. Twenty-five papa steps away from my front door. Some faces I see ever day. I give out scarves and food and water when I have it. I don't carry cash but sometimes I have change. When I do it's theirs. Maybe this new world will guide us all into seeing ourselves in others. Others like them. Maybe seeing them is scary for some people though. Because if we stop and look into their faces and take time for a small chat maybe we will see that once they were just like us. With a house or apartment to go to. With food and a bed and someone to close by to love.
The last time I saw my therapist she told me that I was busy running and running trying to get to the next thing and earn more money and get this and that and I wasn't taking time to be in the life I'm living. Well, I'm in it. I don't need that next dress or to be at that next gig. I don't need anything more than what I have right now. I am so thankful. Thankful for everything I have. For what's important. For my health, my family and friends, for food and shelter. For creativity and a way to sell product. As best as I can I'm going to focus on what's good. I tried watching the news but it brings on panic attacks. So I don't. I'm holding on. To my health, my sanity, my hope. I'm going to accept that this slowdown is what I need. What the world needs. Minute by minute everyone. Minute. By. Minute.
HUSTLE. 14" x 22" hand written poem. Marker on paper. $20. PayPal jahazainabu@gmail.com, Zelle jahazainabu@gmail, cash app $JahasArt, Venmo JahasArt
Hustle
Will work for food
Will fuck for money
Will suck for a shower and a night out
Anal for a months rent
I will be your pretty girl
I will call you Daddy
You can be my Superman
Keep me safe off the ground
Do you know concrete women like me
Do you know how we live
Do you know what we do for a tampon
A cheeseburger
A shake
I will kiss you slow
I will wear my hair long
You want a skinny woman
You wanna see how fast I skinny
You seen me before
Women like me
Sleeping on bus stops
Under trees
No shoes
I clean up well
I pretty up nice
I fuck real good
I have given up on this life
Can't you tell
Tell me what you want me to be and I'll be
Tell me what to say
Take me to your place
I'll sit nice and quiet
Do you want a queen
Do you want a whore
Do you want a slut or a cunt
Do you want me spread all over your body
Do you want to know how I got here
Do you want to know my story
Will you give me a hug
Some fries
May I keep the change
Will you save my life
Will work for food
Will fuck for money
Will suck for a shower and a night out
Anal for a months rent
I will be your pretty girl
I will call you Daddy
You can be my Superman
Keep me safe off the ground
Do you know concrete women like me
Do you know how we live
Do you know what we do for a tampon
A cheeseburger
A shake
I will kiss you slow
I will wear my hair long
You want a skinny woman
You wanna see how fast I skinny
You seen me before
Women like me
Sleeping on bus stops
Under trees
No shoes
I clean up well
I pretty up nice
I fuck real good
I have given up on this life
Can't you tell
Tell me what you want me to be and I'll be
Tell me what to say
Take me to your place
I'll sit nice and quiet
Do you want a queen
Do you want a whore
Do you want a slut or a cunt
Do you want me spread all over your body
Do you want to know how I got here
Do you want to know my story
Will you give me a hug
Some fries
May I keep the change
Will you save my life
MOON. 14" x 22" hand written poem. Marker on paper. $20. PayPal jahazainabu@gmail.com, Zelle jahazainabu@gmail, cash app $JahasArt, Venmo JahasArt
Moon
mine is the mouth
i want to kiss most
i want to kiss most
my fingers know
this body well
this body well
this hair
coiled
complicated
furious
coiled
complicated
furious
this mind that rages
this quivering clit
these feet
go
come
stop
this quivering clit
these feet
go
come
stop
ever know a night
mood
as
this
mood
as
this
ME. 14" x 22" hand written poem. Marker on paper. $20. PayPal jahazainabu@gmail.com, Zelle jahazainabu@gmail, cash app $JahasArt, Venmo JahasArt
I am a river
That flows into
Bigger rivers
The rabbit that
Runs across graves
The subtle shake
The simple quiver
I am a chorus
A question
An unloaded gun
A bullet nearby
I am a holy war
A quiet riot
PRESENT. 14" x 22" hand written poem. Marker on paper. $20. PayPal jahazainabu@gmail.com, Zelle jahazainabu@gmail, cash app $JahasArt, Venmo JahasArt
bless the woman i am now / bless all my stories / bless the men i kissed and wrapped my squeeze so glue / bless the ones who stayed / bless my skin / so leather through the prickliest storms / bless my sisters with hands form a circle / together like rope wire over my space / ain't nothin' no good gettin' through / bless all the rocks / the thorns and bushes / bless the sky / bless blue / bless red / bless the thunder / bless the boogie men / bless the dodged bullets / the mentors / magic / the moon / bless all the blood / the babies / bless the bridges / bless the thoughts / bless the prayer / the whisper / the groan / mud / the stones / bless the good days / bless the night / and the waves
Workshop
There is space available in my one on one writing workshop by phone. One hour sessions, $25 per session, available morning and night.
today
today i am a shower / been two days since soap has touched this body / mama taught me better / i am a short walk to the corner market i have never visited / twenty-six dollars off my card / the african man behind the counter reminds me of an ex lover / i wonder how he is / i hope crack has not consumed his mind and body / i am still the sky / still fly / the man who sits all day on the bus stop tells me i am a beautiful woman and i give him a smile / offer him water / sometimes he declines / i am a prayer / the snake plant on my table / they tell me it grows well in the dark / i do too / i whisper / i do too / i am a mother always worried / worried about my son / about your children too / i am a dream / a kiss / a hold a good cry a masturbation session on top of the covers when i am alone / i am alone / i am the sword under my bed / the dollar bill between my mattress / the shiny penny at my front door / you don't want none of this / i promise / i am a quiet clap back / i am a war / the clock above my sink tick / tocking / reminding me to grow / to remember / to stay / i am a woman who needs a reminder to stay / i am a healer / a poet / bless the prophecy that falls from my mouth / this mouth is holy / this mouth is a weapon / is fire / is flicker / i am one foot in front of the other / until it is time to rest / i am rest / a nap / the deepest sleep / until it is time to rise / and fight / again
This
"Of course it's happening inside your head, Harry. Why should that mean it's not real?" The professor (from Harry Potter)
Housekeeping tip
An easy decluttering tip for those who want it. Take out three things a day. Just three. Three things out of your closet or fridge or bathroom or bookshelf or wherever. This process doesn't have to be overwhelming.
Good morning
7:48am. Home. I plan to be home for most of the day. Uraeus doesn't have to work either so he's here too. I'm going to pick up a bag of lemons from Jessica at her job later. Tea has been blessing and healing me and the little market by my home is selling their lemons for .75 a lemon. Praise God for friends with lemon trees. We have been eating plenty of good vegetable soup here but not much meat. I hope there is meat in the market today. I will walk down there in about an hour. Maybe they will at least have cans of tuna. I should shower before I go. It's been two days since I jumped in the shower. My head is pretty clear. I slept well last night. No panic attacks or anything. I sold another painting. So that's good. I had a dream about a story I want to write. I even remember a few lines. I will work on it today. I think I will include it as a part of my Sunday Stories as today is Sunday. I have to remind myself of what day it is. I am off for a week from my clients. For their safety and mine. They are elderly and I should not be around them while Uraeus has a cold and now I have a sore throat. God help us all. I am living moment to moment. But when was it ever different? When did we ever know God's plan. I wish more people took this thing seriously. People are still hanging out at beaches like it is time to party. It is always time to party I guess. Just indoors now. Let's move the party indoors. I will have my class via Google Hangout. It's not the same as face to face. This is the new normal though. I cut my art prices drastically. Selling some paintings for $25. This thing will blow over. Someday. I hope. God only knows when. Until then I'm going to keep breathing. Breathing easily I hope. I registered to drive for Lyft before this thing got bad. I don't feel comfortable right now having strangers in my car. You just don't know who has what and I don't want people coughing and sneezing in my car. Who knows what I could catch and then take home? It's not a good idea right now. I got a message from a woman out in D.C. telling me she bought my book and how much she likes my words. I was so grateful for her message. It did my heart so good. A woman on the commercial just now said "We are people helping people." Indeed we are. Indeed we are. I really hope Uraeus doesn't have to work tomorrow. Right now he's not well enough to go. I don't want him to feel pressured to work right now. I have the bills covered. I want him to rest and get all the way better. They won't let him stay there if he's blowing his nose and sneezing anyway. My cable bill is due tomorrow I think. Are my gym fees due? Gyms are closed. Are they taking money from us anyway? I hope not. I better call and find out. I'm going to make some tea. I hope you are with loved ones.
Dear God
You are in control. I thank and praise You in the midst of this whatever this is. Only You know. I thank You for the blessings You have bestowed. Thank You for holding my head and keeping me sane and well. My throat is sore and Uraeus has a cold. Please heal us. Please bless and comfort those who are homeless and hungry. Please bless me to do what I can do to help others. Many of us are hurting and angry and confused and afraid. Please give us peace.
Gratitude
I am thankful for waking up today
Thankful for my health, mental and physical
For love
Peace and ease
I am thankful for Uraeus
For friends and family
For a safe, comfortable and beautiful home
I am thankful for food
Thankful for this moment
Thankful for my health, mental and physical
For love
Peace and ease
I am thankful for Uraeus
For friends and family
For a safe, comfortable and beautiful home
I am thankful for food
Thankful for this moment
Saturday, March 21, 2020
Hey L.A.!
Do I have any friends in Los Angeles with a lemon tree willing to leave some lemons for me on the front step so I can drive by and pick up? I am willing to trade art.
Tonight
8:06pm. Home. I'm feeling good tonight. Nights have been hard for me emotionally but tonight so far I am well. Last night I was on one. Panicky and overwhelmed. Something about the morning though. I was ok when day showed up. I've been drinking calming tea and eating a vegetable soup I have going in the crockpot. Uraeus and I have been here together. He is an easy person to be home with. We kind of do our own things. Chat a little. Eat some. Then go back to doing us. We got out today for just a bit on a quick walk. It did us both good. How are you? Loving yourselves I hope. Oh, I'm off a week from all of my clients. Send prayers.
Workshop
There are spots in my one on one writing workshop. This workshop is by phone, one hour, morning and night spots available, $100 per month or $25 each session.
*poem under construction
We gather like clouds
Come together slowly and sticky as ice
We are loud
Be afraid of our crackling
You know our voices well
You know how we thunder
How we
Woman
How we stare
How we see through
How we understand
You know that we know
We are an easy place to land
Come get this bosom
Come rest your head
We preaching
We telling stories
Come hold your hand over this good fire
We are everywhere
We pray
We hope
Visit
Sing
We mother
We sister
We friend and auntie
We answer questions
Have hard conversations
We ain't afraid of this work
Ain't afraid of dirt, blood, blisters on these hands
Go ask somebody
We sit
We cry
We move on purpose
We win and fail
Fall and get up
We remember
We know
You wanna know
Why we hear
Why we lung
Why we flesh
Why we so skin in the game
We know this is not a game
Come together slowly and sticky as ice
We are loud
Be afraid of our crackling
You know our voices well
You know how we thunder
How we
Woman
How we stare
How we see through
How we understand
You know that we know
We are an easy place to land
Come get this bosom
Come rest your head
We preaching
We telling stories
Come hold your hand over this good fire
We are everywhere
We pray
We hope
Visit
Sing
We mother
We sister
We friend and auntie
We answer questions
Have hard conversations
We ain't afraid of this work
Ain't afraid of dirt, blood, blisters on these hands
Go ask somebody
We sit
We cry
We move on purpose
We win and fail
Fall and get up
We remember
We know
You wanna know
Why we hear
Why we lung
Why we flesh
Why we so skin in the game
We know this is not a game
Gratitude
I am thankful for this day
Thankful for a good walk
For my mental and physical health
For money in my account
Food on my shelves
I am thankful for love
For Uraeus
For hearing my mother's, sister's and niece's voices
Thankful for my friends and family
For my beautiful and comfortable home
For my bed
For toilet paper
I am thankful for art
For poetry
For work
For art sold
I am thankful for ease and grace and peace
Thankful for a good walk
For my mental and physical health
For money in my account
Food on my shelves
I am thankful for love
For Uraeus
For hearing my mother's, sister's and niece's voices
Thankful for my friends and family
For my beautiful and comfortable home
For my bed
For toilet paper
I am thankful for art
For poetry
For work
For art sold
I am thankful for ease and grace and peace
Minute by minute
Reminding myself that I am ok. My son is ok. We have food and shelter. We have tea and water and toilet paper. Our space is clean. We are loved. Take care of yourselves.
New day
Another day everyone. I am breathing and taking this life in moment by moment. Right now I feel ok. I have expressed before that nights are very hard for me sometimes. Often really. Last night was one of those nights. Heavy panic. I did get to sleep and did feel much better this morning and throughout the day.
I am taking care of my mental and physical health as best as I can with prayer, walks, rest when I can, plenty of vegetables and soup and tea. Against the advice of my medical professionals I am still not on meds. I have my reasons. I am not fixed on my choice. If the panic attacks continue and if the depression gets deep I will start back on them. Please don't give me your thoughts on meds or not.
I am writing, teaching and doing other creative work from home. To those of you who have recently purchased art from me, I thank you very much. I have greatly slashed my prices and hope to continue to sell. I announced yesterday that all of my unframed art is now only $25 and framed art is only $75 to those within Los Angeles County where I can deliver art. To those outside L.A. County and in other parts of this country all art is 50% off.
Take care of yourselves, friends. And love up on your loved ones.
Friday, March 20, 2020
All unframed art $25 / framed art $75 to Los Angeles County folks, 50% to the rest of the country
Until further notice, if you live in Los Angeles county and would like any of my art you can have any piece (except the two framed paintings) for only $25. You can have the two framed paintings for only $75. Yep. That's where I am. This sale is only offered to people in Los Angeles county because I can't sell art at these prices and ship them too, so art will be delivered or we can arrange a pick up. If you live out of state all art, until further notice is 50% off. I work as a caregiver and cannot get to all of my clients so work is shutting down. We are all getting through this the best way we know how. I post all of my available art here once a month. I also post new art almost every day. If you scroll down just a bit you will see it all there. I am ok y'all. I just have a lot of art, bills approaching and work slowing down fast. Take a look and if you see anything you like, please holler! Take care of yourselves out there.
Gratitude
I am thankful for this moment
This day
For food
Shelter
Clothes
For my good health
For Uraeus
Friends
Family
For art and poetry
For my good life
This day
For food
Shelter
Clothes
For my good health
For Uraeus
Friends
Family
For art and poetry
For my good life
Before day
4:47am. Home. I have an early morning client this morning and then another client at 9am. I'm feeling alright today. My vegetable soup turned out really good. My crockpot is my new best friend. I need new glasses bad. Words on my computer and phone are so blurry. I think I'm just getting used to it. My fees are due today for my memoir class. I'm looking forward to it. I haven't been a student in a class in a long time. I'm about to get dressed so I can get up out of here. Take care of yourselves today.
IJS
Some of y'all L.A. artists getting ready to have concerts from your bedroom should probably call me first. I'm good with a mop and broom.
Thursday, March 19, 2020
The Grand Spa
When I first got back here from Georgia years ago, I spent my days hustling photography, art, poetry and I spent many nights in the twenty-four hour Korean spas downtown. They were cheap and clean, had wifi and the sleeping rooms were comfortable. I used to see some of the same women. We all knew the deal. We kept quiet and watched the Korean soap operas like we understood. I assume the spas are closed tonight. Will probably be closed tomorrow, the next day, nobody knows how long. There are no $15 hotels. The spa is not an option. My heart, love and prayers go out to those wandering the streets.
isolation
maybe the lit candle by my bed will save me / maybe the preacher woman / black twitter / the activists in all the papers / the soup cooking / the tea / the moon / if i head into the great deep water / yemaya will guide me back to shore / maybe / maybe all i need is love / a good hand across my waist / a sweet kiss inside my thigh / my own lips on my own breasts in the darkest part of day / man on the news says not to shake hands / says not to send my babies back to school / boss says shop is closed until further notice / do you know how it is / i ain't no hero / are you / you live around here / you on the bus stop late at night / you know somebody can make a good way out / everybody / going all wild / standing in long lines / fighting over fish / over beans / toilet paper / rice and water / nobody on the roads / nobody to hear my woes / if a woman jumps off the overpass with no one there to witness / will she really burn in hell / auntie died / caint no one come to service / anybody have enough / enough money to cover rent or phone / enough ease between your ears / folks walking around all scared / of a cough / a touch / to look another man in the face / deacon ask do i believe / tell me god still in control / what about my brother / locked up underneath the jail / never hurt nobody bad / a little weed here and there / a gun in his backseat / they tell me keep going / say everything gon be alright / but don't nobody know / caint nobody see / not a minute past this day
Sir?
At the laundromat waiting for my clothes to dry and a brotha starts talking to me as he is loading his clothes. "God is in control." He says. I agree. "Folks think they in control but only God in control." I agree. Again. "Folks running around here blaming Trump because they want somebody to be mad at. Trump ain't done one thing against Black folks. They gon elect him again too. You watch." I don't watch. I stare at my clothes going round and round. "If anything it was Obama. Yeah he smiled in our faces then he got folks thinking that same sex marriage was ok. You ask me it was Obama." I don't ask. I don't ask. I tilt my head. "What? What?" I leave.
10 questions from Jennifer Bowens (9 answers)
As a writing project for myself I asked a few people to send ten questions for me. The harder the better. Questions about me though, not me telling someone else's business. Anyone can participate. If you would like to, send ten questions to jahazainabu@gmail.com. These are questions from Jennifer. So far I have answered nine. The other answer is coming.
1. Do you believe in God?
2. Is reincarnation real, if so what is your desire for your next life?
3. How do you envision life at 90 years old?
4. Do you think you will ever get married?
5. Do you remember when we first met?
6. What is your most tender memory?
7. What do you think you cook very well? (And no, this is not a trick question.)
8. If you found out your best friends husband was fucking around would you tell her?
9. If you wrote a poem about me what would you say? (I'm just trying to get a dope ass poem about me.)
10. Who the fuck do you think you are?
1. Do you believe in God?
I one hundred percent, absolutely, positively believe in God. I believe God lives all around us. God is inside of us. God lives in me. I believe that God is everywhere. I dated a guy who told me that Someone Else was an atheist. When I asked why he felt that way he said "Because he doesn't believe that God is a man in heaven sitting in a chair." Maybe he thinks I am an atheist too. God is so so so real to me.
The God I love, worship and adore is big. Is genderless. Is all genders. Is ageless. Is timeless. I call God whatever I need in the moment. God is mother, father, friend, protector, guide, teacher, brother, sister, healer. People get attached to God being a man. God is so much bigger than being any one gender. When I refer to God sometimes I say he and sometimes she. Some people are bothered by she though. That's their business. I know God for myself and will call God what I choose.
I have been through too many storms in my life to not believe. There just wasn't any other explanation other than God brought me through. I could list a million five examples here but I won't. Yes. I believe in God.
2. Is reincarnation real, if so what is your desire for your next life?
I believe reincarnation is real. It's my belief, not something I try to convince others of though. To each her own. I believe all of our lives combined make one life. That we come to learn and teach lessons and sometimes it takes more than one form to learn or teach the lesson. I haven't always believed this and I don't know when I started. Many years ago though.
Years ago I had a very vivid dream of me as a girl, maybe twelve years old. I was in Hawaii and I had a big red ruby in my hand. I was swimming in the ocean and a grown man was chasing me. That man killed me. I was that girl but the girl wasn't the person I am now. She was an island girl with long straight hair. She wasn't me but she was me. The man was after the ruby and I protected it with my life. I have never been to Hawaii, or held a ruby, or swam that deep in any ocean. But to me, that was a memory and not a dream.
At a friend's home one time I had a past life reading. The guy didn't know anything about me and told me that in a past life I was a healer. I was well known and people would come to be healed by me. Mostly I healed people with leprosy. I can see that. It plays into my work now as a caregiver. I am called to do the work I do.
My desire for my next life though? I don't know. As a joke sometimes I say that I want to be a butterfly. That sounds good to me too. All except that caterpillar phase. I don't want to go through that. If I just be born a butterfly I might be down for that, otherwise...no. I don't think that's how it really works though. I don't know what I would want to be. Truthfully I hope I have lived enough lives and taught and learned enough lessons that I don't have to do this again. Maybe I could live the rest of my life as an angel or something. I'm kind of tired.
3. How do you envision life at 90 years old?
I don't. That's all I'll say about that.
4. Do you think you will ever get married?
Not again. I did that in my early twenties and I think I'm good. I think I might partner again but marriage no. Even the partnership I want is me having my own space. At this stage I could even do a long distance relationship. Someone to laugh and talk nasty to on the phone with every night before bed. Maybe meet up once a month and have good sex and dinner. I don't know.
The biggest reminder I have that I am single is when I travel. There is no one wondering if I made it. Made it there, made it home, made it to the hotel, made it to the gig. Made it period. Maybe that's weird because I have never really been big on checking in with anyone. But I always think about that when I travel.
A couple of things keep me from wanting to get married again. One is that the guy friends I have are so dope and give me what I want and need. I'm not sleeping with any of them though so I get what I need from them except that. But I do have very intimate moments with them. I've known them so long and so well and they know me too. They know my cycles of depression, anxiety, mania. They know when I'm good. They know how to make me laugh. They know that laughter is important to me. I told a guy I was dating once that laughter was as important as sex. He didn't think so. I knew we weren't going to make it. I could have almost dealt with the god awful sex but that we didn't really laugh together either was a deal breaker.
The other reason I don't want to get married again, and this is about to sound fucked up, but I don't want to be my husband's caregiver and I don't want him to be mine. Now, if I was married to a man I've known a long time, like we were high school friends or something and had like years and years together and then one of us got ill, I would stay in that. But I'm fifty years old now and I've always been attracted to men my age or older. I don't want to hook up with someone ten years from now and we're both seniors and are still getting to know each other and then BAM he needs me to take care of him and that's how I'm living out the rest of my few days and his grown ass kids come around taking shit when he die. I told you it was gonna sound fucked up.
5. Do you remember when we first met?
We met at Grambling. I don't remember where on campus but I remember you at Gram. You were in the theatre department with Erykah, Nikki and nim. You wore your hair short and fly. We became friends though here in L.A. when we worked together at The Gap in the Beverly Center. Our connection was cemented when we got close at The World Stage. I was like this mothafucka stuck with me! Then when I moved to the Jungle and you, me, Imani and Yuri were Jungle Flowers I was like, shiiiiiiit, we blood now.
6. What is your most tender memory?
I'm gonna read tender like sweet. Like good. Well, you're part of one of my tender memories. That night at Yuri's house when you were twisting Imani's locks and we were all drinking (at least I was drinking) and laughing. That night is so special to me because it was one of the few times I felt so...safe. Safe is boring. Felt so...free. So completely myself. I knew I could say, be, do anything and that I was surrounded by love. By real friends. Sometimes I'm with people and when I leave I'm all, did I say something weird? Do something strange? Drink too much? Cuss too much? Something. Always something. But with y'all that night there were no guards up. With any of us. And when we recast The Wiz with people we knew...my stomach still hurts from that laughter! That moment is so bittersweet because I don't remember us all being together after that. The next time even three of us were together was at Yuri's dad's funeral and much of that day is probably a blur to Yuri. Yeah, that's my tender memory. That one.
7. What do you think you cook very well? (And no, this is not a trick question.)
Well, I don't know where the crockpot has been all my life but since January I have been having the cooking time of my life. I have never liked to cook. I can clean all day but cooking...nah. My sister gave me a crockpot when I got my new place. I think about what I'm going to cook almost every day. That was never me. My favorite dish is a bunch of vegetables and potatoes, turkey sausages and a ganga seasonings with cornbread. I buy the cornbread already made from Vons though. I love it. I love that when I come home my apartment smells like a restaurant. I love eating something so good that I made. I love seeing Uraeus keep going back for more. He did tell me that he's tired or soup though but he does like it. I tried black eyed peas and rice but that didn't come out so well. It wasn't horrible horrible but it wasn't really good. We ate it though. That soup though, baby!
8. If you found out your best friends husband was fucking around would you tell her?
I really don't know. I've never been in that situation and I don't know what I'd do. I probably would say something to him first. Not that it would be any of my business but I might feel I had a right because he was my best friend's husband. Ummmm...ionknow.
10. Who the fuck do you think you are?
Only you. I love this one! I dated a guy whose favorite hobby was criticizing every gotdamn thing I did. Once he told me "You're not who you think you are!" I don't know where that even came from. We never had a discussion about who I thought I was and here he was telling me I wasn't that. Fuck him though.
Who do I think I am? I think I'm a lot. Sometimes I think I'm a little though too. I think I am pretty dope. I have overcome a lot. I have been through mad valleys. I have experienced really great things. I am someone God loves for sure. I think I am a child of God. I think I am powerful. I think I am a friend. A poet. I think I'm fun. I am becoming freer and freer everyday and realizing I am truly living my dream and not just getting closer to it.
1. Do you believe in God?
2. Is reincarnation real, if so what is your desire for your next life?
3. How do you envision life at 90 years old?
4. Do you think you will ever get married?
5. Do you remember when we first met?
6. What is your most tender memory?
7. What do you think you cook very well? (And no, this is not a trick question.)
8. If you found out your best friends husband was fucking around would you tell her?
9. If you wrote a poem about me what would you say? (I'm just trying to get a dope ass poem about me.)
10. Who the fuck do you think you are?
1. Do you believe in God?
I one hundred percent, absolutely, positively believe in God. I believe God lives all around us. God is inside of us. God lives in me. I believe that God is everywhere. I dated a guy who told me that Someone Else was an atheist. When I asked why he felt that way he said "Because he doesn't believe that God is a man in heaven sitting in a chair." Maybe he thinks I am an atheist too. God is so so so real to me.
The God I love, worship and adore is big. Is genderless. Is all genders. Is ageless. Is timeless. I call God whatever I need in the moment. God is mother, father, friend, protector, guide, teacher, brother, sister, healer. People get attached to God being a man. God is so much bigger than being any one gender. When I refer to God sometimes I say he and sometimes she. Some people are bothered by she though. That's their business. I know God for myself and will call God what I choose.
I have been through too many storms in my life to not believe. There just wasn't any other explanation other than God brought me through. I could list a million five examples here but I won't. Yes. I believe in God.
2. Is reincarnation real, if so what is your desire for your next life?
I believe reincarnation is real. It's my belief, not something I try to convince others of though. To each her own. I believe all of our lives combined make one life. That we come to learn and teach lessons and sometimes it takes more than one form to learn or teach the lesson. I haven't always believed this and I don't know when I started. Many years ago though.
Years ago I had a very vivid dream of me as a girl, maybe twelve years old. I was in Hawaii and I had a big red ruby in my hand. I was swimming in the ocean and a grown man was chasing me. That man killed me. I was that girl but the girl wasn't the person I am now. She was an island girl with long straight hair. She wasn't me but she was me. The man was after the ruby and I protected it with my life. I have never been to Hawaii, or held a ruby, or swam that deep in any ocean. But to me, that was a memory and not a dream.
At a friend's home one time I had a past life reading. The guy didn't know anything about me and told me that in a past life I was a healer. I was well known and people would come to be healed by me. Mostly I healed people with leprosy. I can see that. It plays into my work now as a caregiver. I am called to do the work I do.
My desire for my next life though? I don't know. As a joke sometimes I say that I want to be a butterfly. That sounds good to me too. All except that caterpillar phase. I don't want to go through that. If I just be born a butterfly I might be down for that, otherwise...no. I don't think that's how it really works though. I don't know what I would want to be. Truthfully I hope I have lived enough lives and taught and learned enough lessons that I don't have to do this again. Maybe I could live the rest of my life as an angel or something. I'm kind of tired.
3. How do you envision life at 90 years old?
I don't. That's all I'll say about that.
4. Do you think you will ever get married?
Not again. I did that in my early twenties and I think I'm good. I think I might partner again but marriage no. Even the partnership I want is me having my own space. At this stage I could even do a long distance relationship. Someone to laugh and talk nasty to on the phone with every night before bed. Maybe meet up once a month and have good sex and dinner. I don't know.
The biggest reminder I have that I am single is when I travel. There is no one wondering if I made it. Made it there, made it home, made it to the hotel, made it to the gig. Made it period. Maybe that's weird because I have never really been big on checking in with anyone. But I always think about that when I travel.
A couple of things keep me from wanting to get married again. One is that the guy friends I have are so dope and give me what I want and need. I'm not sleeping with any of them though so I get what I need from them except that. But I do have very intimate moments with them. I've known them so long and so well and they know me too. They know my cycles of depression, anxiety, mania. They know when I'm good. They know how to make me laugh. They know that laughter is important to me. I told a guy I was dating once that laughter was as important as sex. He didn't think so. I knew we weren't going to make it. I could have almost dealt with the god awful sex but that we didn't really laugh together either was a deal breaker.
The other reason I don't want to get married again, and this is about to sound fucked up, but I don't want to be my husband's caregiver and I don't want him to be mine. Now, if I was married to a man I've known a long time, like we were high school friends or something and had like years and years together and then one of us got ill, I would stay in that. But I'm fifty years old now and I've always been attracted to men my age or older. I don't want to hook up with someone ten years from now and we're both seniors and are still getting to know each other and then BAM he needs me to take care of him and that's how I'm living out the rest of my few days and his grown ass kids come around taking shit when he die. I told you it was gonna sound fucked up.
5. Do you remember when we first met?
We met at Grambling. I don't remember where on campus but I remember you at Gram. You were in the theatre department with Erykah, Nikki and nim. You wore your hair short and fly. We became friends though here in L.A. when we worked together at The Gap in the Beverly Center. Our connection was cemented when we got close at The World Stage. I was like this mothafucka stuck with me! Then when I moved to the Jungle and you, me, Imani and Yuri were Jungle Flowers I was like, shiiiiiiit, we blood now.
6. What is your most tender memory?
I'm gonna read tender like sweet. Like good. Well, you're part of one of my tender memories. That night at Yuri's house when you were twisting Imani's locks and we were all drinking (at least I was drinking) and laughing. That night is so special to me because it was one of the few times I felt so...safe. Safe is boring. Felt so...free. So completely myself. I knew I could say, be, do anything and that I was surrounded by love. By real friends. Sometimes I'm with people and when I leave I'm all, did I say something weird? Do something strange? Drink too much? Cuss too much? Something. Always something. But with y'all that night there were no guards up. With any of us. And when we recast The Wiz with people we knew...my stomach still hurts from that laughter! That moment is so bittersweet because I don't remember us all being together after that. The next time even three of us were together was at Yuri's dad's funeral and much of that day is probably a blur to Yuri. Yeah, that's my tender memory. That one.
7. What do you think you cook very well? (And no, this is not a trick question.)
Well, I don't know where the crockpot has been all my life but since January I have been having the cooking time of my life. I have never liked to cook. I can clean all day but cooking...nah. My sister gave me a crockpot when I got my new place. I think about what I'm going to cook almost every day. That was never me. My favorite dish is a bunch of vegetables and potatoes, turkey sausages and a ganga seasonings with cornbread. I buy the cornbread already made from Vons though. I love it. I love that when I come home my apartment smells like a restaurant. I love eating something so good that I made. I love seeing Uraeus keep going back for more. He did tell me that he's tired or soup though but he does like it. I tried black eyed peas and rice but that didn't come out so well. It wasn't horrible horrible but it wasn't really good. We ate it though. That soup though, baby!
8. If you found out your best friends husband was fucking around would you tell her?
I really don't know. I've never been in that situation and I don't know what I'd do. I probably would say something to him first. Not that it would be any of my business but I might feel I had a right because he was my best friend's husband. Ummmm...ionknow.
10. Who the fuck do you think you are?
Only you. I love this one! I dated a guy whose favorite hobby was criticizing every gotdamn thing I did. Once he told me "You're not who you think you are!" I don't know where that even came from. We never had a discussion about who I thought I was and here he was telling me I wasn't that. Fuck him though.
Who do I think I am? I think I'm a lot. Sometimes I think I'm a little though too. I think I am pretty dope. I have overcome a lot. I have been through mad valleys. I have experienced really great things. I am someone God loves for sure. I think I am a child of God. I think I am powerful. I think I am a friend. A poet. I think I'm fun. I am becoming freer and freer everyday and realizing I am truly living my dream and not just getting closer to it.
*poem under construction
We gather like clouds
Come together slowly
We are loud
You know our voices
You know how we
Woman
We are an easy place to land
Come get this bosom
Come rest your head
We preaching
We telling stories
Come hold your hand over this good fire
Come get nice and warm
We are everywhere
Come together slowly
We are loud
You know our voices
You know how we
Woman
We are an easy place to land
Come get this bosom
Come rest your head
We preaching
We telling stories
Come hold your hand over this good fire
Come get nice and warm
We are everywhere
Also
I'm gonna start some collages today. I got a bunch of magazines from Nikki on Tuesday. I'm gong to pick up some glue sticks and poster boards today.
Morning
4:37am. Home. I'm staying home today. I didn't work with my client yesterday and was going to go today but I really need another day. I will go tomorrow and Saturday but had anxiety last night about leaving today. Trying to fight this cloud of depression off as best I can. Gonna write and paint today. I have some poems to submit for WomanPreach this week so I'm gonna make some headway on those pieces. I need to do laundry today too. I do my aunt's laundry on Tuesdays and take it down to her. I was not feeling well last week and the week before I went down there but couldn't get into the apartment because she didn't hear the phone ringing. I know it's piling up and I need to get down there. Trying to think of who I want to do a quick video interview with for Going Deeper. It will come to me. The person will show up. That's how it's been happening. I've been handling this "social distancing" period very well. It's been what I've needed. I hope they find a cure to this virus soon though. People are dying all over the world and it's scary. Schools are closed for who knows how long, folks are losing jobs, gyms, theatres, parks are also closed and people are panicky. All of this is just adding to my anxiety. I'm trying to stay prayed up though. I hope y'all are too.
Love yourselves
Love yourselves
Gratitude
I am thankful for being witness to this day
For a good rest
For being home
I am thankful for Uraeus
For ease and peace
For art and poetry
For paying my phone bill yesterday
For funds in my account
For breath
Good health
Love
Friends and family
For a good rest
For being home
I am thankful for Uraeus
For ease and peace
For art and poetry
For paying my phone bill yesterday
For funds in my account
For breath
Good health
Love
Friends and family
Wednesday, March 18, 2020
Dream
I had a dream last night that my mother told me that she wanted to get me a desk and writing chair. She was really excited about it. I didn't understand why but who am I to turn down a free desk and writing chair? She got it too. I don't remember the desk but I can still see the chair clearly. It was black and cute and officey. I don't know the significance of chairs but that was the dream. What's interesting is that I don't even write in chairs like that. I'm usually on my bed with my computer on my lap and my back against the wall with a Law & Order, Criminal Minds or Chicago P.D. watching me. But hey, whatever.
In the after
I was talking to a friend the other day about his fancy plans for his ashes after he is cremated and I thought, I want to be cremated too but am I the only one who doesn't give one hoot about what happens with my ashes? Not one single hoot.
Listen listen
Some people you have dismissed as hypochondriacs just don't know how to put words to the mental discomfort they feel and believe you will only take them serious if there is a physical condition mentioned.
Some of y'all ain't gon like this but
Lately I have been really bothered by the phrase "I believe the report of the Lord.' Not those words but how they are used. I have heard people express ways they choose to take of themselves like isolation in response to this virus, taking medication for mental illnesses, leaving unhealthy relationships and others have responded that they believe the report of the Lord like the rest of us don't. And really, who is to say what the report of the Lord is for someone else's life? I know, I know, you weren't talking about them, you were just saying what YOU believe. Ok, I'm just saying that it sounds like a snarky way of guilting someone for not doing what you do. People, let's take care of ourselves how we need to and let's let others do the same.
Afternoon
3:32pm. Home. Working from home today but will leave later to get laundry done. I'm feeling ok. Better than ok actually. Good news, one of my former students just got a New York literary agent! Hey! I hope y'all are being careful and taking this virus seriously.
Love yourselves
Love yourselves
Workshop
Hello everyone! There is space available in my one on one writing workshop. The workshop is by phone, once a week, $100 a month, one hour. Morning and evening slots available. If you are interested, please holler!
Gratitude
I am thankful for this day
Thankful for my home
Thankful for being home today
For Uraeus
For my friends and family
I am thankful for peace and ease
For food
For love
Thankful for my home
Thankful for being home today
For Uraeus
For my friends and family
I am thankful for peace and ease
For food
For love
Monday, March 16, 2020
Gratitude
I am thankful for waking up early this morning
Thankful for being alive
For staying in over the weekend
For Uraeus
For friends and family
I am thankful for work today
For love
For the Twilight Zone episode on right now
I am thankful for peace and ease in my head
Thankful for being alive
For staying in over the weekend
For Uraeus
For friends and family
I am thankful for work today
For love
For the Twilight Zone episode on right now
I am thankful for peace and ease in my head
Dark morning hours
4:47am. Good morning all. I hope you're well. I have a full day ahead and have to get an early start. I was inside the whole weekend and I truly needed it. Time to get out today though. Work this morning and class tonight.
Love yourselves
Love yourselves
Sunday, March 15, 2020
Sunday Stories (11)
This will be quick and easy. This virus is real. People are getting sick and people are dying. Because many people choose to listen to warnings and stay home and take care of themselves does not mean that they / we don't believe in God. God can be in control AND we can avoid large crowds. I choose to stock up on food and bathroom supplies. I choose to stay updated on this virus. I do not choose ANY of the many mass messages in my inbox. Not the scriptures, not virus updates, not health information, not news about how many glasses of water I should drink or how often I should wash my hands. I know where to find all of this information if / when I want it. Thank you though. But no.
10 questions from Cathy Crowell Thompson
As a writing assignment for myself I asked a few people to send ten questions for me. The harder the better. Questions about me though. Not me telling someone else's business. Anyone can participate. If you choose to, send ten questions to jahazainabu@gmail.com. These are questions from Cathy Thompson
1. When did you discover you had the gift for the spoken word?
2. You were so shy and proper growing up, how were you able to shake the label?
3. Why’d you cut your hair?
4. Why are you being so candid about your struggles and your past? (I appreciate it by the way, it’s helping me!)
5. Did you ever wish you had a brother too?
6. What has been your most unique, special muse?
7. What is your favorite piece of poetry? art?
8. What made you start painting?
9. What do you like most about being a Mom?
10. Did you want more children?
1. When did you discover you had the gift for the spoken word?
I think the first time I ever performed as a speaker with music was when I led a song in the choir back in '86. I think it was '86 or '87. The song was "In the name" at least that's what we called it. Mike was the director and when he asked me to lead the song I was so confused. I am pretty sure I am the world's worst singer. Really I had no business in anybody's choir in the first place. But he did and he gave me the album to listen to. I rushed home to hear the song because what in the world? When I listened to the song I dug it immediately. It began with tenors going "In the name (beat) in the name (beat) in the name of Jesus" then the lead started speaking "there's no other name under the heavens which men must be saved other than the sweet name of Jesus" and she kept flowing. With words! Mkaaaay! I can do that. So I did. I used the first line from the leader and created my own flow. It was a magical night for me and my dad was even there. I still think about that night. I had never heard of someone talking as a song. Of course there was rap but that wasn't rap. I'm not a rapper. I talk. I flow. With words. It was a thing. I didn't know about it but it was and it was a thing I wanted to do more.
Another thing I love about having had that experience is that it gave me an appreciation for my voice that I never had before. I knew I couldn't sing. I knew I couldn't rap. So what could I do with my voice that could be musical or beautiful? This was it. I was home.
2. You were so shy and proper growing up, how were you able to shake the label?
Well, I never lived in my passion or found my tribe until I became an adult. I was active as a child but not in activities that called to me. In the church there was only choir and usher board for children to participate in. I loved my community and my community in choir and the usher board. But I was never either one of those things. I have always had and still have a lot of anxiety around singing in public. To this day I'm terrified of karaoke. I don't even sing happy birthday out loud if someone is standing next to me. Some of my absolute worst moments were during choir rehearsal when we would have to stand two by two and sing the verse out loud so the director could see who was the one off key. I was always like for sure it ain't me because I ain't singing loud enough for anyone to hear me. I had so so so much anxiety doing that. People will never know. So singing was not my ministry. Art was my expression. So was poetry. Photography. No poet would call me shy. Quiet sometimes. But not shy.
As a child there were also secrets I was keeping that weighed on me. Things I was afraid to talk about. Things that made me feel not good enough. Like I didn't belong. I wasn't the friend magnet. I wasn't the girl people wanted to be around. I wasn't shunned. It wasn't that. I didn't have the cooties. I don't want to paint that picture. I was just...you know...pretty basic and kinda just...there. I was smart though. I knew that about myself and used words well. I could talk. That was going to be my way into freedom somehow but I didn't know how. I wasn't a cool kid though. That wasn't how the world was going to see or accept me. So being smart was it. Adults liked me more than kids. At least that's what I thought. What did I know? I was a little human being who wanted other human beings to like her. Any way I could. The community I was most comfortable around was my church. So being the best Christian and knowing the most Bible verses and being the best Usher and the Rosebud and Guild Girl who raised her hand the most was my thing.
There were still huge chunks of me not expressed though. But there were no kid's poetry or writing clubs or art clubs that I knew about. Those were things I did privately. Until I was grown. Then doors started opening I didn't even know existed. I didn't DO anything to shake the label but be who I was / am. I started joining poetry groups and they encouraged me. They liked my stories. They liked pieces of me other people laughed at. I could be awkward and geeky with them and they liked me because of it and not in spite of it. I don't know. I just leaned into my passions and my life started blossoming.
3. Why'd you cut your hair?
People responded to me cutting my hair in much the same way they did to me changing my name. Some folks acted like I had joined a cult or something. I liked my hair short. The first time I cut it short I was a senior in high school. It wasn't bald short but it was really short. Girls weren't really doing that so maybe it was weird to a lot of people. I thought I was cute. I just liked it. I liked it natural. I thought I was fly. Me thinking I was fly was a new thing. I liked that feeling. I felt connected to my ancestors.
4. Why are you being so candid about your struggles and your past? (I appreciate it by the way. It's helping me!)
Me talking about my past and my struggles with mania and depression are not new. My first poems in high school were about death and depression. I didn't call it depression then though. But I have always written and talked about it. Most of it is in my blog and not on Facebook but it's out there. I have been vocal about being touched inappropriately as a child too. Only thing new there is that I wasn't specific. People didn't know who I was talking about.
I started having memories and they would make me mad. When I was a child, I used to extend my cheek so Dude wouldn't stick his tongue in my mouth but he would hold my chin with his thumb and forefinger and turn my face to his. I felt like I didn't have a choice. Like it was something I had to do. It was nasty to me though. I was doing something nasty. I had never even kissed by a boy and here I was with this old man's tongue in my. mouth. I knew everyone would have been up in arms if it was some creepy man on the corner. I could tell that. But Dude was a feared and respected minister. Who would I tell? Maybe I was making it up. Maybe it didn't really happen. Maybe he didn't mean for it to happen. But then it kept happening. Over and over.
Another thing that fueled my rage was when Uraeus was a baby he went to a daycare that was owned by someone from the church. I had known her my whole life. She was older. About my mom's age. One day when I went to pick Uraeus up we started talking. I don't know why. We had never really talked like this before there we were. I don't remember how it came up but I said "When I was little (Dude) used to..." She looked at me big as day and said "I know. We all knew." I wasn't mad at her though. I wasn't. I knew people were afraid of him.
My journals became filled with Dude. Then one day I wanted the stories to live outside of my journals. Maybe me saying something would help someone else. Some other boy or girl keeping secrets. Dude wasn't the only one in my life. There was one before him. There was one after. What kind of sign did I have on my forehead? Whatever it was I didn't want to wear it anymore. Maybe that's how those kinds of dudes saw me. As the girl who would be quiet. So I made noise. What?
5. Did you ever wish you had a brother too?
I don't remember if I ever wished that as a child. Maybe. I have brothers now. Not by blood but I indeed have brothers. I am so thankful for them. They love me and I love them.
I take that back. I bet I did wish I had a brother. I must have. I wished I had somebody who could kick people's butt. In elementary school that was a thing girls used to say. "I will get (so and so) to kick your butt!" And then they would roll neck and stomp away. Nobody was kicking anybody's butt for me.
6. What has been your most unique special muse?
God. Whenever I don't know what to write about I write prayers. I write words to God. I write about what I am thankful for. About what I want. About fear. Anger. Worry. Love.
7. What is your favorite piece of poetry? Art?
That changes every week. Beyonce's Lemonade videos held me for a while. Warsan Shire is one of the young poets I really like and she wrote the poetry for the album. As far as art goes, there is no better art than the sky at dawn / dusk. Maybe that's a boring answer. But it's true.
8. What made you start painting?
I used to draw when I was little. I didn't start painting until I was grown. I don't remember what made me start painting. I just started painting. I remember what made me start selling art though. I was pregnant and rent was due. I lived in this really cool loft downtown Los Angeles. I had a couple hundred dollars and spent it all on canvases, paint and brushes. I hung it all in my loft and invited people over and sold as many paintings as I could. That was the day I told myself I might have something. I'm not really that confident in art. I paint because I love it. I've never been through any real training. I do like to paint though and some folks buy my work so I keep practicing and trying to get better. I know I feel at peace when I paint. I feel happy. Painting is good therapy for me.
9. What do I like most about being a Mom?
When I was pregnant I found it fascinating when Uraeus would stretch inside of me and I could see his feet and head stretching. A human being was living inside of me. Me. Then I got to watch him grow and hear his stories and questions. I'm still doing that. All these years later. Watching him find his way in the world. Watching him develop his own relationship with God. What I like most is watching his kind heart in action. Watching him give his food and money to someone living on the street. Watching him hug people who he sees hurting. He is truly the kindest spirit I know. That's my favorite thing.
10. Did you want more children?
I always saw myself as a parent to one child. As Uraeus grew I thought I might want another one but no.
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