As a writing assignment for myself I asked a few people to send ten questions for me. The harder the better. Questions about me though. Not me telling someone else's business. Anyone can participate. If you choose to, send ten questions to jahazainabu@gmail.com. These are questions from Cathy Thompson
1. When did you discover you had the gift for the spoken word?
2. You were so shy and proper growing up, how were you able to shake the label?
3. Why’d you cut your hair?
4. Why are you being so candid about your struggles and your past? (I appreciate it by the way, it’s helping me!)
5. Did you ever wish you had a brother too?
6. What has been your most unique, special muse?
7. What is your favorite piece of poetry? art?
8. What made you start painting?
9. What do you like most about being a Mom?
10. Did you want more children?
1. When did you discover you had the gift for the spoken word?
I think the first time I ever performed as a speaker with music was when I led a song in the choir back in '86. I think it was '86 or '87. The song was "In the name" at least that's what we called it. Mike was the director and when he asked me to lead the song I was so confused. I am pretty sure I am the world's worst singer. Really I had no business in anybody's choir in the first place. But he did and he gave me the album to listen to. I rushed home to hear the song because what in the world? When I listened to the song I dug it immediately. It began with tenors going "In the name (beat) in the name (beat) in the name of Jesus" then the lead started speaking "there's no other name under the heavens which men must be saved other than the sweet name of Jesus" and she kept flowing. With words! Mkaaaay! I can do that. So I did. I used the first line from the leader and created my own flow. It was a magical night for me and my dad was even there. I still think about that night. I had never heard of someone talking as a song. Of course there was rap but that wasn't rap. I'm not a rapper. I talk. I flow. With words. It was a thing. I didn't know about it but it was and it was a thing I wanted to do more.
Another thing I love about having had that experience is that it gave me an appreciation for my voice that I never had before. I knew I couldn't sing. I knew I couldn't rap. So what could I do with my voice that could be musical or beautiful? This was it. I was home.
2. You were so shy and proper growing up, how were you able to shake the label?
Well, I never lived in my passion or found my tribe until I became an adult. I was active as a child but not in activities that called to me. In the church there was only choir and usher board for children to participate in. I loved my community and my community in choir and the usher board. But I was never either one of those things. I have always had and still have a lot of anxiety around singing in public. To this day I'm terrified of karaoke. I don't even sing happy birthday out loud if someone is standing next to me. Some of my absolute worst moments were during choir rehearsal when we would have to stand two by two and sing the verse out loud so the director could see who was the one off key. I was always like for sure it ain't me because I ain't singing loud enough for anyone to hear me. I had so so so much anxiety doing that. People will never know. So singing was not my ministry. Art was my expression. So was poetry. Photography. No poet would call me shy. Quiet sometimes. But not shy.
As a child there were also secrets I was keeping that weighed on me. Things I was afraid to talk about. Things that made me feel not good enough. Like I didn't belong. I wasn't the friend magnet. I wasn't the girl people wanted to be around. I wasn't shunned. It wasn't that. I didn't have the cooties. I don't want to paint that picture. I was just...you know...pretty basic and kinda just...there. I was smart though. I knew that about myself and used words well. I could talk. That was going to be my way into freedom somehow but I didn't know how. I wasn't a cool kid though. That wasn't how the world was going to see or accept me. So being smart was it. Adults liked me more than kids. At least that's what I thought. What did I know? I was a little human being who wanted other human beings to like her. Any way I could. The community I was most comfortable around was my church. So being the best Christian and knowing the most Bible verses and being the best Usher and the Rosebud and Guild Girl who raised her hand the most was my thing.
There were still huge chunks of me not expressed though. But there were no kid's poetry or writing clubs or art clubs that I knew about. Those were things I did privately. Until I was grown. Then doors started opening I didn't even know existed. I didn't DO anything to shake the label but be who I was / am. I started joining poetry groups and they encouraged me. They liked my stories. They liked pieces of me other people laughed at. I could be awkward and geeky with them and they liked me because of it and not in spite of it. I don't know. I just leaned into my passions and my life started blossoming.
3. Why'd you cut your hair?
People responded to me cutting my hair in much the same way they did to me changing my name. Some folks acted like I had joined a cult or something. I liked my hair short. The first time I cut it short I was a senior in high school. It wasn't bald short but it was really short. Girls weren't really doing that so maybe it was weird to a lot of people. I thought I was cute. I just liked it. I liked it natural. I thought I was fly. Me thinking I was fly was a new thing. I liked that feeling. I felt connected to my ancestors.
4. Why are you being so candid about your struggles and your past? (I appreciate it by the way. It's helping me!)
Me talking about my past and my struggles with mania and depression are not new. My first poems in high school were about death and depression. I didn't call it depression then though. But I have always written and talked about it. Most of it is in my blog and not on Facebook but it's out there. I have been vocal about being touched inappropriately as a child too. Only thing new there is that I wasn't specific. People didn't know who I was talking about.
I started having memories and they would make me mad. When I was a child, I used to extend my cheek so Dude wouldn't stick his tongue in my mouth but he would hold my chin with his thumb and forefinger and turn my face to his. I felt like I didn't have a choice. Like it was something I had to do. It was nasty to me though. I was doing something nasty. I had never even kissed by a boy and here I was with this old man's tongue in my. mouth. I knew everyone would have been up in arms if it was some creepy man on the corner. I could tell that. But Dude was a feared and respected minister. Who would I tell? Maybe I was making it up. Maybe it didn't really happen. Maybe he didn't mean for it to happen. But then it kept happening. Over and over.
Another thing that fueled my rage was when Uraeus was a baby he went to a daycare that was owned by someone from the church. I had known her my whole life. She was older. About my mom's age. One day when I went to pick Uraeus up we started talking. I don't know why. We had never really talked like this before there we were. I don't remember how it came up but I said "When I was little (Dude) used to..." She looked at me big as day and said "I know. We all knew." I wasn't mad at her though. I wasn't. I knew people were afraid of him.
My journals became filled with Dude. Then one day I wanted the stories to live outside of my journals. Maybe me saying something would help someone else. Some other boy or girl keeping secrets. Dude wasn't the only one in my life. There was one before him. There was one after. What kind of sign did I have on my forehead? Whatever it was I didn't want to wear it anymore. Maybe that's how those kinds of dudes saw me. As the girl who would be quiet. So I made noise. What?
5. Did you ever wish you had a brother too?
I don't remember if I ever wished that as a child. Maybe. I have brothers now. Not by blood but I indeed have brothers. I am so thankful for them. They love me and I love them.
I take that back. I bet I did wish I had a brother. I must have. I wished I had somebody who could kick people's butt. In elementary school that was a thing girls used to say. "I will get (so and so) to kick your butt!" And then they would roll neck and stomp away. Nobody was kicking anybody's butt for me.
6. What has been your most unique special muse?
God. Whenever I don't know what to write about I write prayers. I write words to God. I write about what I am thankful for. About what I want. About fear. Anger. Worry. Love.
7. What is your favorite piece of poetry? Art?
That changes every week. Beyonce's Lemonade videos held me for a while. Warsan Shire is one of the young poets I really like and she wrote the poetry for the album. As far as art goes, there is no better art than the sky at dawn / dusk. Maybe that's a boring answer. But it's true.
8. What made you start painting?
I used to draw when I was little. I didn't start painting until I was grown. I don't remember what made me start painting. I just started painting. I remember what made me start selling art though. I was pregnant and rent was due. I lived in this really cool loft downtown Los Angeles. I had a couple hundred dollars and spent it all on canvases, paint and brushes. I hung it all in my loft and invited people over and sold as many paintings as I could. That was the day I told myself I might have something. I'm not really that confident in art. I paint because I love it. I've never been through any real training. I do like to paint though and some folks buy my work so I keep practicing and trying to get better. I know I feel at peace when I paint. I feel happy. Painting is good therapy for me.
9. What do I like most about being a Mom?
When I was pregnant I found it fascinating when Uraeus would stretch inside of me and I could see his feet and head stretching. A human being was living inside of me. Me. Then I got to watch him grow and hear his stories and questions. I'm still doing that. All these years later. Watching him find his way in the world. Watching him develop his own relationship with God. What I like most is watching his kind heart in action. Watching him give his food and money to someone living on the street. Watching him hug people who he sees hurting. He is truly the kindest spirit I know. That's my favorite thing.
10. Did you want more children?
I always saw myself as a parent to one child. As Uraeus grew I thought I might want another one but no.
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