10 questions from Riverdia (10 answers)

As a writing project for myself, I asked a few people to send ten questions for me. The harder the better. Questions about me though. Not me telling someone else's business. Anyone can participate. If you would like to, please send ten questions to jahazainabu@gmail.com. These are ten questions from Riverdia.

1. Who or what in the world has inspired you to become 'woman'?

2. Regrets?
     to let go of

3. Regrets?
     to fix

4. What kind of conversations do Robin and Jaha have and are they about resolution solution forgiveness and love, or ~  what are they about?

5. Do you still believe in love?

6. If you could go back and tell / do to that pastor. (in freedom) whatever you want... what would that look like or sound like?

7. How... do you believe in you?

8. Who, having walked through LPV when it was 'teaming' with all the people that left their indelible mark, left the biggest impression / influence on you?

9. What would you tell yourself, now, that you could not have told yourself  20 years ago?

10. What will you no longer tolerate ?

1. Who or what in the world has inspired you to become 'woman'? 

There have been many women in my life who have inspired me to become woman. Some I know and some I don't. My first example was my mother, Patricia Turner. I have a vivid memory of standing in the hallway of the house where I grew up watching her in the bathroom putting on mascara. She had just painted the bathroom this sky blue color. There was something about the way the light hit her in that moment in that cool blue room. She stood there leaning into the mirror with her perfect afro making up her face. I remember thinking I want to do that. To look like that. To be woman like that. 

She put it down in our house. She went to her 9 to 5 every day. Taught herself how to program computers. Created a new position in the computer field at her job. She also built furniture in our house. I don't know what inspired her to do that but one day she was like, I'm gonna build a bed. And she did. She built my bed. And it was the best bed I've ever had. Had drawers underneath and everything. I remember going back and forth to the lumber yard with her. I watched her cut and stain the wood. I was in awe. I was like, she is really doing this! And she didn't stop there. In another room she built a bookcase in the wall. It was so dope. I wonder if that bookcase is still there. 

My mother was the first hustler I knew. In addition to her job she also had an income tax business. "You have tried the rest now try the best." That was the slogan on her pens that she gave out. She still does taxes now. I think just for friends though. I used to travel with her around the city and even way up to Palmdale while she did taxes for people. I sat in her client's living rooms while she was at their kitchen tables flipping through papers. I wanted to do that. Not taxes but have my own business someday. My mother inspired me. 

I remember this one time, late at night we had to take a utility bill payment to the drop box so whatever service wouldn't get cut off. The box was on the outside of the City Hall building. It was super dark and scary. She put on some baggy clothes and a hat and kind of had this strut like she was a man so no one would mess with us. That was gangsta. 

I hosted really fun slumber parties at my house with the girls I cheered with. Hey Vidars! On Fridays she took as many of us as her car would hold to the drive in. My mother did everything she could to make growing up fun for me sister and me. We had the things we needed. What we wanted too. She made it look easy. I know it couldn't have been. I know times had to be really hard for her but she didn't show us that. Her marriage to my father wasn't easy. Was actually the far opposite of easy. She never bad mouthed our dad to us. Ever. Ever. Instead, she kept hustling. She gave us her all. 

One time, my dad gave her some money to buy herself some shoes. She had these shoes she wore most of the time. They were her work / church shoes. I still remember the shoes. I don't remember the shoes being in bad condition but I guess they were. That day my dad was adamant about her getting new shoes. Not toys for Roshann or me but shoes for her. Well, when we came home my sister and I had new stuff and my mom still didn't have new shoes. My dad took her shoes and tore them up with his hands. Like, ripped them apart. We were screaming! "Daddy, Daddy, stop! Stop, stop, Daddy, stop!" He didn't stop. Kept right on going until the shoes were ripped to shreds. "Now you gotta get you some shoes." That's how he loved. That was his way. We stood there mortified. 

Oh, Tupperware! How could I forget that? My mom was also the Tupperware lady. You remember Tupperware? The plastic containers for food and other things. Mostly I remember the toys but there were a lot of different products. Boy do I remember those Tupperware parties. I'm telling you, my mom put it down. She's still at it. Got her degree and is still in school. I'm really proud of her. I couldn't carry the load she carried. 

When I was in high school I was a cheerleader. The money was due for our uniforms and I was heading out the door for the bus then turned around and said "Oh, I need $300 for the uniforms." Like $300 was nothing. "Robin, why didn't you tell me this earlier?" I didn't understand the problem. "Mama, you can write a check." Like, just write a check. No biggie. Just a little $300 last minute check. I don't know if she had the money or not. I remember I had day and night uniforms though. I had food. Toys at Christmas. Clothes. Parties. I had it. She did that. 

She taught me how to fry chicken too. Guess because Black girls should know how to fry chicken. I didn't want to learn how to fry chicken or cook anything really. But we stood there in front of our green stove, me doing my best to look bored. She kept on though. Step by step on chicken frying. I wanted to go write. I was always writing. I'm still always writing. I still can't fry chicken. That's not my mom's fault though. 

My mother taught me a lot and has done a lot for me. Not just as a child but she's still teaching and doing. I love and appreciate her for all of it. 

2. Regrets? to let go of

I dated a guy who was married. I was stupid and wrong. I wasn't in a relationship but he was and I didn't respect that. Anything else I say here would just sound like me making excuses for inexcusable behavior. Karma is sho nuff real though. That bitch bites. 

3. Regrets? to fix

I'm trying to think. I don't really have a lot of regrets. I can't think of one that I could fix. The only thing that comes up is a time I was in Baltimore. I was in the tenth grade I think and I was there for the NAACP ACT-SO competition. The rest of the group was downstairs and I was alone with another girl my age. We were watching the news and there was a protest about gay rights. I remember asking the girl what they were doing and when she said they were protesting for their rights I got angry. "What rights? They don't deserve rights. They're gay!" She couldn't believe I said that and I couldn't believe she was defending them. The person I was at that time didn't allow room for anyone not like me. I don't mean not Black. But not Christian, not straight. Everyone else was going to hell. I lived in a very small world and I didn't even know it. 

I am so glad I'm not that person anymore. Thank God! Thank God! Thank God! I don't remember who the girl was but maybe she remembers me and remembers that moment. I don't know. I can't fix that with her but I am an ally to my LGBTQ siblings. I am the best one I can be. No gay jokes or bashing on my watch. I do speak up. They are my family. I can grow. I can fix myself even if not that moment. 

4. What kind of conversations do Robin and Jaha have and are they about resolution solution forgiveness and love, or - what are they about? 

They are about all of that. While there are conversations Robin to Jaha / Jaha to Robin, mostly I have conversations with myself as Robin or as Jaha. But I'll answer the question, Robin to Jaha. Robin is my inner child. Insecure, shy, nervous and afraid. Jaha is sometimes insecure but not shy. Sometimes afraid but not often to a point where fear stops progress. These conversations happen when triggers arise. Jaha is consoling and provides safe space for hard questions. What are you afraid of? What do you remember? Who / what does he / she / it remind you of? How do you feel? Can you say more about how you feel? Who are you protecting? What would you say if you weren't afraid? Who told you you weren't enough? Who told you you don't belong? Who is around to protect you? What do you know for sure? 

In the moment I (as Robin or Jaha) am not looking for resolution, solution or anything like that. Just to get to the source of the feeling / upset / problem. When I can get to that source I move on. There are always more questions. Now what? What is the next small step? Is it time to move on? What is left here to discover? To learn from? What part do you play in the problem? 

My resolution talk comes when I know I can't hold a certain feeling anymore. Most recently it was anger. Last year my son and I were homeless. And it was hard. We were paying $3,000 a month to live in hotels / motels. $100 every single day. We have a place now. When we first got the place it was challenging emotionally dealing with friends and family who suddenly wanted us to come to this gathering and come to that and eat here and eat there and spend time spend time spend time. I kept asking myself where was all this come kick it come kick it come kick it when we didn't have anywhere to go? Every time someone came out of the woodworks wanting to check in and visit I kept asking myself where was all this check in when I was homeless? Then I couldn't hold that anger anymore. I had to let it go. Resolution talk. Forgiveness talk. Solution talk. Move on talk. I had to tell myself that wherever they were when we were homeless, they're here now. Am I going to keep being angry that they weren't there how I needed them to be back then or am I going to accept that these are people I love and I want them in my life? There were some people I decided I didn't want to deal with anymore. The people I decided I wanted in my life I kept. And I knew I had to move on from the anger otherwise every time we were together I would be asking myself, yeah but what about 2019 when I was homeless? Where were you then? That kind of anger could go on forever. For myself, for them, for the relationships I valued. I let it go. That was a Jaha move. Robin couldn't do that and have peace about it. 

5. Do you still believe in love?

I do. I believe in love. I am so thankful that I have so much love in my life. My son, friends and family. Love love though? Like romantic love? I believe in it. I was never lucky with that kind of love though. Never. That doesn't mean I never had it. I have loved men (I think) and men have loved me (I think). I've never been in a romantic relationship that lasted though. I mean, of course they lasted as long as they lasted. The longest relationship I was in lasted five years. And even that one was on again off again and when it was on I found out he was in relationships with other women at the same time...well...that's how that was.

I always entered relationships for the wrong reasons. I felt like the guy was safe. Safe like I wouldn't get beaten, raped or abused in other ways. I was lonely and wanted to be with somebody. He was nice and by the time I found out nice wasn't enough I felt like I owed him more time. Reasons, reasons, reasons.

Thankfully I have outgrown all of my old reasons that led me to relationships. But, I'm not gonna say it's too late but I'm not as interested in being in a relationship anymore. Not a relationship relationship. A special friend maybe. One special friend. Who listens well and has good conversation. These days I value my space so much. Maybe too much. Like I said though, I believe in love just...I'm not holding my breath waiting for it to happen for me. 

6. If you could go back and tell / do to that pastor (in freedom/ whatever you want... what would that look like or sound like? 

Well first, and what's most important here is that the situation you are referring to was NOT the pastor. I want to make that SUPER clear. The pastor was a very decent, loving, incredible and greatly missed man. The man you're talking about was a minister but again, not the pastor. 

I will keep this answer brief because I have talked about this before and I don't want to use these questions as a way of blasting people. So this is kind of, if you know the situation then you know and if you don't then you don't but I'm not going into it here. 

The answer is this, I really don't know what I would say. The truth is I probably wouldn't say or do anything. Mostly because I'm tired of explaining to men who use their power to take advantage of women and girls their impact on our lives. They know. They fucking know full well what it is. That's not to say that I discourage others from confronting others. I think we all need to do what we need to do. For me, as far as he is concerned, I wasn't the first or the last. I will say that I fully believe that because he did not have sex with me he may have told himself that what he was doing wasn't that bad. But it was a violation and did contribute to how I operate in the world. I have more to say about this, you know I do. But...

7. How... do you believe in you? 

I'm not sure I understand. How do I believe in me? I know that God lives in me. I trust the voice in me. I trust the spirit in me. My friend, Charisse told me something I will hold forever. "When an artist feels something, that is statistical data." I trust that data. I wasn't always like that. I spent too many years waiting for proof outside of me for what I felt inside. These days I'm like, nope, not feeling it / him / her. Or yep, I can get with that. Based on what I feel inside. I believe in me that way. 

I also, finally believe in what I do and that I belong. I worked very hard at developing myself as a writer and I've done some things I'm proud of. For many years I was on some, no not me. I can't perform with so and so. I can't accept this gig. I can't do this or that. Now I'm like yep. Me. I have a long way to go before I'm GOAT but I know I have a story to tell and can tell it on a panel of other great tellers. I believe in me that way too. I stay studying. Stay growing. Stay writing and creating. I'm not where I want to be but I stay on this road. And I'm proud of myself because I know the work I put in. I believe in myself that way too. I believe I deserve the good things that come my way. 

I suppose I could say more but how much of my own horn you feel like hearing me toot? I do. I believe in myself. I could count the ways. I won't though. 

8. Who, having walked through LPV when it was 'teaming' with all the people that left their indelible mark, left the biggest impression / influence on you? 

This one is easy. V. Kali. A few weeks ago I was hanging in Leimert at Father Amde's birthday celebration. The village that night was POPPIN'! It was like old times and Yawo started asking folks if they remembered their first time in Leimert. Everyone had a story. V was a part of my story. My first day in Leimert was my first day at the Stage and my first time on the mic at the Stage. It's been on since. V and I haven't missed a step. I call her my godmother. 

If you know V, you know she knows so many people and many, many people know and love her too. She embraced me and took me in her circle. I have crazy respect for V. She's one of my favorite poets. One of my favorite cooks. One of my favorite elders. One of my favorite friends. 

My first weekly poetry cipher home was at a bookstore that used to exits in Long Beach called Uhuru Sassa. A small group of us would get together and talk Black books, Black poetry, Black music, Black rap, Black love, Black Black Black and I loved it! One night a young rapper called Kingpin said "You dope, Jaha! You good enough to be at The World Stage!" I was like, whaaaaaaattt???? I had heard of World Stage and the writers there and was intimidated about presenting my work there. It changed my life. One of the best decisions I ever made. That's were I met the best poetry teachers I ever had Tchsie Aje and Peter J. Harris. V was at the door the first night I stepped into the room and the first person there to say she liked my poetry. V gave me the courage to come back. That was what in 92? I haven't stopped coming back. Haven't stopped loving and learning from V. 

9. What would you tell yourself, now, that you could not have told yourself 20 years ago? 

This takes us back to love. Romantic love. I couldn't have told myself twenty years ago that I deserved good love. Well I'll just say love because love is good, right? I didn't feel like love was something I deserved. I felt like it was something I was lucky to get. You want to date ME? You want MY number? I was lucky and beholden. I didn't see who I was. How smart. The priceless friend I was. How wise. How fly. How beautiful. How kind. Of course I deserved love. Why not me? Of course me. 

I didn't see it though. One dude after the next made sure to remind me what I didn't have. What I wasn't bringing to the table. I couldn't cook but he would have me anyway. I didn't have money but he would have me anyway. I had a cute enough face but wasn't beautiful beautiful but he would have me anyway. I was too skinny but he would have me anyway. I was too fat but he would have me anyway. I had a baby but he would have me anyway. I had been married before bur he would have me anyway. There were so many buts that that's how I saw myself too. I don't anymore. 

I know who I am now. That's part of why I'm not so eager to attach myself to someone else. All the stuff I been through. Lessons I learned. All this good growth made me a gem. And I know it too. I ain't too good for nobody. But I'm too good to be lucky to be with anyone. ANYONE. I'm not entering another relationship to be his cheerleader and support his dreams while mine get pushed aside. Nope. I dated this one guy who was into real estate. I was a writer. I was always a writer. One day we were driving around the city and he was looking at property for sale. "Write this number down." He told me. "Write down this address." Then write this, write this, write that. And I did. Then he said "See, we make a good team. I'm getting some more property and you still writing." (Insert side eye here)

Twenty years ago I couldn't have told myself to get the hell out of there fast enough. Now, that situation wouldn't even happen. It just wouldn't. I know my worth. It took long enough but I know it. Whether I'm depressed or manic or good I am a prize and I treat others like they are prizes too. Why should I accept less? 

10. What will you no longer tolerate? 

Bad treatment. I won't tolerate being treated badly and I won't stand by and watch others being treated badly. I can't control other people's behavior but I sure can control whether or not I deal with them or not. Now, there are some situations where even that's tricky. Like crazy bosses and coworkers. But I can still control it in a way. I can speak up for myself. I can leave situations if I need to. I can change situations if I need to. I don't have to accept that I just have to take it (whatever it is). I ain't stuck in nothin'. Ain't never had a job, friend, relationship so great it was worth me being put down. 

I won't watch other people being abused either if I can help it. I was on a date one night coming out of a theatre. As we were walking to the car there was this guy yelling at this woman. They were clearly in a relationship and he was going at it. He was a coward though. I knew it. He towered over her and kept pointing in her chest and face. I didn't say anything and neither did my date. We just stopped next to them. We didn't stare or do anything. We just stood there. The guy I was with was a big guy. Bigger than the other guy. When he noticed we weren't leaving his voice got softer. His body language calmed down. Eventually we all left. I couldn't do anything about what happened to her after but I could do something in that moment. Even if it was just stop and witness. Another time I was in my car at a stop light and a man was yelling at a woman walking in front of him as they were crossing the street. I knew they knew each other too. He kept yelling. I let the window down and asked "You okay, sis? You want a ride? You wanna get in the car?" You know that guy sped up in front of her and walked away? I ain't this super badass chick. I ain't. But I know in some situations it doesn't take much. People are just so used to others not giving a damn so they keep acting the fool because they are so sure everyone is going to ignore them. Despite how it feels too often, none of us are unpeopled. There is somebody. Somewhere. And we can all be someone's somebody.